I Feel Stuck and I Need Advice (Trigger Warning)

[WashedOut]

This is intensely difficult for me because I'm so afraid of knowing that I could possibly relapse again. Even now, I hold back tears. This is also very long. I've held in years of problems and I just wanted get this out as much as I could.

I suppose I'll start with my home situation. I live with my parents and have always had problems finding any sort of drive to do things for myself. I never got a drivers license, I never applied for a job, and I never did other things that would further my future I'm a good way. I have a dysfunctional family as well.

I'll be explaining my relationships in the next couple of paragraphs and one thing I won't say is how much I talked about my family. I have a mental I'll sibling that causes great stress on the family and is potentially dangerous to everyone including himself. I lack a good relationship with anyone in my family because I isolated myself from them due to these issues and ones that I am about to explain.

In high school, I suffered from one quite emotionally traumatic event in high school that took a couple of months for me to recover from. I had a friendship with someone go very bad and I never got the closure for it from that person. I was so intensely hurt, that I started to harass and abuse them verbally. I stopped having control over my emotions and even today I wish I could've stopped it. There was nothing I could've done to save the relationship after I did that. I could've just waited until time had passed and everything could've been fine, but I exploded and suddenly all I could think about was how much they hurt me and how much anger I had. I was eventually forced to stop talking to them, which was honestly good for the both of us, and went on to finish high school.

I attached myself to a blogging site in order to find comfort through other people and ignore my pain and guilt. It led me to ignore my family and put the needs of strangers before mine.

After I finished high school, I found myself in a long distance relationship online with a man. We met on the blog site and he told me that I was one of his favorite blogs. We chatted in private and we found to quite enjoy each other's company. I became really attached to him and couldn't find a day or moment where I didn't message him. Eventually, we parted ways due to conflicting interests and beliefs and I felt as though a form of support had been cut off from me. I convinced myself that I never really liked him in a romantic way and I got over the relationship in less than a month. The relationship itself had lasted only a little bit longer than that.

I had left that site after that and found another site I could basically attach myself to. I ended up in a relationship with a girl that lasted in a very, very, short amount of time. It was over the Internet. We were at first both good friend for a few months, and then she asked if I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I said yes. We were both always talking to each other every single day and I can honestly say that I had never been more happy in my life. I had struggled with relationships so much in the past and thought that this one actually could be an effortless one with no stress. I was very wrong.

We had arguments that were so incredibly volatile. More than any argument I've ever had. It seemed that every time I shared my opinion, it became a personal attack of some sort. Or if it was an opinion she didn't share, she would tell me to go research it because I didn't know what I was saying. She was too angry to hear my opinion or what facts I had actually procured in my time. I had used "shocked" comments around the tone of, "Wow...you really think that that's how it works?" Not too long after each argument, I would apologize or ask if we could talk about it so we wouldn't have to let it hang over our heads. This only happened for one of the arguments. It hurt her feelings to the point where she felt that we should break up. I was immensely hurt. I felt like it would've been fine if we just talked it out, but she would never let me try.

I apologized so many times. I could not possibly count on my fingers and toes the amount of times I've apologized. She said we could be friends, but I had said something else after the break up to some people that made her jump to the conclusion that we shouldn't longer be friends. I was telling people (with her permission) that she had broken up with me. She felt like it could've been handled more maturely and stopped talking to me entirely. To be denied friendship and closure from someone I had felt such intense feelings for, hurt more than I can even begin to describe.

I am now suffering from severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and constantly reliving the break up and the events that happened after. I can't afford a therapist and my internet gets cut off at certain points of the day, so I feel like I'm shut off from the world. I had recently come to the conclusion that joining the military is my only option. I have to prepare for the military while having no appetite, no ability to sleep without having dreams if her, and no will to do anything for myself. My parents continue to put more restrictions on me to try and get over the issue and stay off the internet. I have since left that site and I now just watch tv shows and movies while talking to close friends of mine who are too busy or far to see me in person.

I talked to someone about the issue at one point that was a couple of weeks after the break up and realize that I actually might've been abused. Not only did they take what I said very personally and jumped to major conclusions that weren't even true, she was jealous, possessive, and would talk about things that would normally happen way in the future of a relationship. (meeting parents, moving in together, etc.) I was made to believe during that relationship that we would last forever and that we were perfect. I always put aside the fact that we had polar opposite views and personalities because I cared for her more than our differences. I was codependent on someone who abused me by completely denying me any sort of closure and blaming many things on me.

I had wanted to talk to her after the relationship to find any sort of closure, but she interpreted me discussing what I was feeling as attacks on her for what she did and me saying that she never cared at all. It wasn't true. She was refusing to let me explain. She had said goodbye one final time and I said "It's fine. I didn't want to live anyways." It's true that I was suffering major depression from this and my problems at home, but I did not have a right to say this. I am very aware of that and I regret it so much. She called me and yelled at me for saying that. I got a chance to speak at the end of the phone call, and then we ended the call. She was still hurt and it's completely understandable and clearly I am not in the right state of mind to talk to her anymore. I still genuinely want to be friends, but she does not. I wouldn't want to either... I now think that I am the abusive one.

I sometimes think that we were both abusive to each other. I want so bad for her to just see that she misinterpreted a lot of the things that I said, but she won't listen to me and I won't make her. I've stopped trying to talk to her because I know she doesn't want it. And my friends have said so many times that she is very bad for me.

I move between blaming myself and blaming her at every point of the day and I'm exhausted to the point where I don't know how much more I can take of this. The flashbacks take over during the day and when I sleep.

I'm sure I have C-PTSD from all of these things. I can't move on. I just really need advice. I can't do anything for myself anymore and I've almost lost hope. My parents have too. I don't know how to stop blaming and just start healing. I'm also very new to forums so I hope I didn't say anything that I shouldn't have here. I accidentally went to the sister site of this site and I didn't quite look at what kind of forum that was versus this one.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS WashedOut.  So sorry to hear you have been overwhelmed with emotions, I can certainly hear that in your post.  I know you said you can't afford a therapist, but  can you tell your doctor about the fact that you're having bad anxiety, depression and panic attacks?   GP's typically know about mental health services that are available for free or a very low fee. When I bottomed out I (finally) told mine everything and she referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor - it was all covered.  I too was having major panic/anxiety attacks and depression and it helped immensely.  Life was just too much to deal with and I was having trouble getting out of bed frankly.  Medication, therapy, talking here have all helped. It's been about 2-1/2 years and now I am doing quite well so I hope you'll take some heart from my experience.