(May trigger?) New here, first post, fear of being alone

[a_bunny]

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post.

I have been in therapy for many years, with a diagnosis of PTSD. Over the years, I didn't learn that much about PTSD, because the therapy I had been doing focused more on skills to deal with difficulties, and I didn't think the exact diagnosis was that important. I did look up stuff on PTSD, and never felt like it quite fit me, but I didn't think too much of it.

I recently got more interested in the exact diagnosis because I realized that I never knew anybody with quite the kind of symptoms I have, and it would be good to connect with others who are going through healing from something similar. So I asked my therapist in my most recent session, and she said that what I have is actually Complex PTSD, which is different from PTSD. Since then, I have done some research on this site and elsewhere to try and understand it better and see which parts resonate with me.

I want to talk about one specific symptom I have in particular, which I never understood that well, but have been really making more effort in the last few months to examine it and not run away from it. I have a fear of being alone at night, that was diagnosed for a long time as specific phobia, but it was not until I started working with my current therapist about 5 years ago that it was diagnosed as PTSD. She said that what I have is more extreme and goes beyond phobia.

There were times in my life when this fear didn't affect me as much, because I lived with somebody else who was around in the evening. So it came up infrequently. However, the problem was still always there, it just wasn't getting triggered. There were other times in my life when I was able to live alone and somehow made it through, but it was always difficult. The traditional method of exposure therapy for phobia (where you expose yourself to the thing that triggers your fear repeatedly until the fear subsides) never seemed to apply to me, because no matter how many nights I got through alone, it did not seem to reliably reduce my fear over time. Now I'm 34 years old, and I cannot recall a time in my life when I was ever not afraid of being alone at night.

This interferes in my day-to-day life because my husband works the evening shift, so I have to be alone in the evening and fall asleep alone most nights of the week. It manifests in very specific ways, like certain rooms of the house will feel a lot safer than others, certain activities will cause the fear to spike, and so it's very difficult for me to live comfortably and do the things I want to do on those nights. It fluctuates too; some nights I'm really doing all right and I could almost forget it's an issue, then suddenly a thought will enter my mind and I will reach a near-panic state.

I have been practicing mindfulness and meditation, and the idea of leaning into the fear as opposed to running from it. From this, I have been able to observe what goes on in my mind and body when it happens, rather than just trying to shut it out. I noticed that I sense what I can only describe as a "looming presence" perpetually in my house, that is somehow observing me, waiting until my guard is down to leap out and do something to me, though what that something is, I'm not quite certain. I have a sense that there is a door in my mind that I am desperately trying to keep shut, because if I open it, something terrifying will happen that will be so overwhelming and horrible that I won't be able to handle it, and it will be the worst experience I've ever had. Yet, whatever is on the inside of that door is trying to come out. I know that I need to make peace with this somehow, to accept and be okay with anything inside of my mind, and be able to sit with the scared feelings, no matter how difficult it gets. I think that's the eventual goal. I just have this fear that whatever is inside is so large that it will destroy me. It's a fear of the fear itself.

I don't know if any of that made sense to anybody. That's the part that I realized I never really met anybody who experiences something similar to that, or even seen it described in all of the psychology texts I've read. Even my therapist said she didn't quite know what that "looming presence" was. I realized that it could be helpful if I found anybody who could just understand. If this could be explained as a psychological phenomenon, so I don't feel so much like there is something "crazy" and "flawed" about me for being this way.

This was long, thanks so much if you even read this far.

-A

[mourningdove]

Hi a_bunny! 

I noticed that I sense what I can only describe as a "looming presence" perpetually in my house, that is somehow observing me, waiting until my guard is down to leap out and do something to me, though what that something is, I'm not quite certain. I have a sense that there is a door in my mind that I am desperately trying to keep shut, because if I open it, something terrifying will happen that will be so overwhelming and horrible that I won't be able to handle it, and it will be the worst experience I've ever had. Yet, whatever is on the inside of that door is trying to come out. I know that I need to make peace with this somehow, to accept and be okay with anything inside of my mind, and be able to sit with the scared feelings, no matter how difficult it gets. I think that's the eventual goal. I just have this fear that whatever is inside is so large that it will destroy me. It's a fear of the fear itself.

I don't know if any of that made sense to anybody.

Yes, I have this and I've had it ever since I was a kid. For me, it comes and goes. I'll try to give it some thought and possibly write more about it later. For now, I just want to welcome you. I hope that learning about the "complex" aspect of your "PTSD" is as helpful for you as it has been for me.

[Sienna]

Hey there a_bunny, welcome to the forum!

I really hope that you find it helpful, connecting with others on here, who understand.
I am so glad that you now have a proper diagnosis for your trauma symptoms, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
i personally find it helpful to know what is going on, and i think that everyone has the right to be able to understand themselves, their symptoms, and their pasts.

And oh my gosh- how i relate to what you are saying about your fear!
I am so sorry the you are struggling so much with this awful fear.
You are very strong, and you were very strong to have made it through when you lived on your own and I'm sorry that you had to struggle on your own.

The traditional method of exposure therapy for phobia (where you expose yourself to the thing that triggers your fear repeatedly until the fear subsides) never seemed to apply to me,
Perhaps this is because when you feel the fear, it is a flashback most possibly, so re experiencing flashbacks over and over does nothing to stop them, but instead keeps the amigdlya lighting up
(the part of the brain that remembers and tries to send us warning signals that the same or similar thing is happening in the NOW to try to protect us)

I personally think that what needs to happen for you, is for you to understand where it comes from, and to feel the fear, and you may need to do this with someone, such as a therapist.
Fear and other emotions can be stored in the body after trauma, during trauma...the body remembers...so i have heard that releasing it from the body, as well as through crying, whatever you need to do, can help purge difficult feelings.

I can't tell you how sorry i am to hear that your husband works in the evenings.
it must be very hard for you to fall asleep.

It is very normal to be afraid of certain rooms,
for certain activities to make your fear spike (same for me)
it's very difficult for me to live comfortably and do the things I want to do on those nights.-
I bet it is, (i have the same problem)

It fluctuates too; some nights I'm really doing all right and I could almost forget it's an issue, then suddenly a thought will enter my mind and I will reach a near-panic state.
Yes, yes and yes, same here and i also reach a near panic state.
A few times i went into a panic and had to run downstairs and that was when my X and i were upstairs together, but after a while after this fear was triggered in the present day, it lessened, but sometimes comes in huge intense bursts if it is triggered and i have a big panic reaction,
but most of the time, the fear is there.

It is so great that you have been trying to be mindful and bring to figure out what is going on inside your head. 

The looming presence you mention- i have that too.
My T told me, that when we have been abused, traumatized, our bodies produce a hormone called Cortisol,
(a fight or flight hormone),
but when we have had repetitive trauma, (Cptsd), we keep on producing this hormone, even if the *threat* that we lived in, has gone now.
The cortisol being produced in the body-
makes the brain think- ok- the body feels scared, as though sorting bad is going to happen-
maybe there IS something to be worried about-
and then the brain starts *producing things to be worried about*
and this also happens- because we are so used to being worried, and under threat.

Cortisol is needed in order to have a normal amount of energy,
and it helps everyone handle stress.
Only, when you have been stressed for a long time, such as the case in complex post traumatic STRESS disorder, the body has produced in the past- unusually high amounts of Cortisol- way too often-
the body was pushed to its limit during the traumas - again and again over and over.
Therefore, after the traumas are over, the body is still producing too much Cortisol.

Our brains also remain what is called *hypervigelant*-
meaning, that we are on the look out for danger, even if there is no danger in the present.
This happens sub consciously, and the mind and body do it to protect us, from potential threats.
To anticipate danger before it happens, and to get us out of danger if danger is present - or perceived danger- such as a flashback - a reminder of actual danger previously experienced.

My T told me, that the reason i feel that there is a presence in the house, is because, in my case, the presence in the house when i was a child, was my mother who was abusive.

You describe it all exactly right.
As a child, my mother was unpredictable.
There was always tension in the house, and i was constantly on guard for another attack.
Another blow to my self in the form of her emotional abuse.
I felt scared all the time.
I learned that i could never relax, i could never be myself, i could never *slip up* because it was not safe to do so.
So i never learned how to relax, and T says, that i am always on edge even if i don't know that i am.

I have a sense that there is a door in my mind that I am desperately trying to keep shut, because if I open it, something terrifying will happen that will be so overwhelming and horrible that I won't be able to handle it, and it will be the worst experience I've ever had.
oh my gosh, i know, and i feel for you.
It is scary! 
The second time i really panicked and froze at night, then ran downstairs hyperventilating and crying,
i realized that i was super scared of what was inside of me.
This *stuff* suddenly coming up was terrifying, and I'm still avoiding painful feelings.
There is a lot that has not been dealt with, that you no doubt, pushed away in order to survive.
My T says, that we will work through the stuff, slowly.

It is ok, that you can't be with it at the moment. its so great and brave of you to try and you should be so proud of yourself for that.
I know how difficult it is, how scary it is, so i am feeling proud for you.
In time, you will be able to learn how to tolerate these difficult feelings, and you will learn how to be there for yourself. In time, you will be able to work through them, if you have the right therapist.

Yup, fear of the fear itself, and thinking it will destroy you...oh yes.
Because it feels overwhelming, and you are not sure how to handle it.
Same here.

If you have been seeing your therapist for 5 years, and she doesn't have an idea what this looming presence is-
it could be that either you haven't told her that much about what happened in your past to cause your CPTSD, maybe you don't remember, or find it hard to talk to her,
.she could be simply saying that she doesn't know-
and that she wants you to figure it out for yourself,
.or it could be that she does not specialize in trauma and in treating Complex PTSD.
.or maybe you guys just haven't managed to figure it out yet.

Little backstory-
I was always scared of being in the house on my own as a child.
i was scared of monsters, the idea that maybe there was someitng behind me,
horror movies would set it off-
reason for horror movie triggers is because-
the tension we feel watching them / reading scary things reminds us of how we perhaps felt as children and its too close to home.

There was a trigger that set off this fear of one of the rooms in my house,
of being in there alone
of being upstairs where the room was
and T told me that it was because the abandonment i experienced as a child had been triggered by an actual abandonment in the present, therefore the hypervigelance came with it - very intensely.
i must have pushed it away as a child, in order to live, only it came flooding back.
I won't go into all the many other reasons this got triggered, too long and not so relevant.

But the reason i was so triggered, is because, they were mother and daughter, this person (who triggered it unintentionally- she took her own life)-
as well as the person who abandoned me- a lady with undiagnosed NPD, just like my mother-
represented my mother (she was a mother figure)..
and the daughter represented me and my fears about how i could end up.
So T says that the two merged as they both reminded me of my past-
so the daughter, is the person who i fear is in the house..
and she subscously represented my mother to me, and T told me this is so by the image i described to her of this woman in my head.
----
I tell you this, because it might help you to figure out where your fear comes from...though it might not.

What i would suggest, if you feel you want to, or are ready to, is to talk to your inner child, and just tell them that you know that they are afraid, and that you are also afraid of their fear.
You could tell them that you are scared of what they are trying to tell you, what they are trying to show you, and that you don't know how to comfort them through the fear at the moment.
you could just tell them that you acknowledge (at the times that you do acknowledge it) their fear, and that you hope one day to be able to help them through it, but that for now, you have to stuff it / ignore it, or judge it, because you don't now what to do and maybe you feel a little rid for feeling these things.

Hope i haven't told you too much that you might already know, hope i didn't trigger or overwhelm, and hope you don't mind my little backstory.

I want you to know that its normal- there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Everything happens for a reason.

If you are feeling fearful and need somewhere to talk, or if you need to know that others are here, you can write on here if you wish to.
And please write back if you need any help or if you have any more questions.







-A

[Sienna]

Auto correct = 
i meant *if you feel a little weird*.   

[a_bunny]

Wow, thank you so much mourningdove and Sienna for your thoughtful replies. It really does feel better to connect with others who understand, and to be met with such welcoming and compassion here. Sienna, you took the time to write so much in order to be helpful, and I so appreciate it. There is a lot of good information in there and it always helps to hear about others' experiences. The info about cortisol is very interesting and makes so much sense to me. Really explains a lot.

Our brains also remain what is called *hypervigelant*-
meaning, that we are on the look out for danger, even if there is no danger in the present.

Yes, this. Again, makes so much sense and I can really relate to it.

If you have been seeing your therapist for 5 years, and she doesn't have an idea what this looming presence is-
it could be that either you haven't told her that much about what happened in your past to cause your CPTSD, maybe you don't remember, or find it hard to talk to her,
.she could be simply saying that she doesn't know-
and that she wants you to figure it out for yourself,
.or it could be that she does not specialize in trauma and in treating Complex PTSD.
.or maybe you guys just haven't managed to figure it out yet.

I can explain this a little more. I actually didn't talk about this in therapy too much, I mentioned it towards the end of our last session, and we didn't really get into it that much. I'm sure that what it represents is my father. But I think that what my therapist was saying is that it did not sound familiar to her as a psychological phenomenon, to just have it be ever present when I'm alone in the house. Well, maybe I should bring it up and ask her/tell her more about it in our next session. Anyway, part of the reason why I came here to talk about all this was to see if others had the same symptoms as I do, and now two people said that they do. Honestly, you are the first two people I've ever encountered or even heard about who have this experience, so that in itself is huge for me.

This is slightly off-topic, but one thing that always perplexed me is the cause of my CPTSD. The descriptions of the causes of even the complex type of PTSD usually seem more extreme than what happened to me. I grew up in a typical Asian American household with a high pressure to achieve. I'm sorry if that sounds at all like I am racially stereotyping, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but that is just the culture that I observed not only in my family, but in all or most of my Asian friends' families as well. My Dad had a temper and would get angry unpredictably, and I would be criticized a lot for not achieving well enough in and out of school, and not meeting my parents' very high expectations. I think the worst part is that when I would get upset in reaction to getting yelled at, my parents would act in invalidating ways. My feelings and experience -- being scared, angry, crying a lot -- was never what was important. My Dad at best ignored it, and at worst got angry at it and yelled at me some more for it. And while my Mom would be more sympathetic and feel bad that I was feeling bad, she would explain it as "Dad just loves you so much. Don't be angry at him." Still very invalidating. And then there were a few particularly bad incidents that stand out in my memory. So yes, that would explain why I have CPTSD. I just sometimes feel like I don't really fit with it, because it seems like other people have gone through worse things, like sexual and physical abuse, more extreme emotional/mental manipulation, alcoholic parents or parents with disorders, etc. Also, as I said, many of my Asian American peers endured similar or even far worse. I understand that my predisposition has something to do with it as well. I just wonder if there are also others who have CPTSD that did not come from as extreme conditions. I think hearing about this would be of comfort to me as well, because of that part of me that sometimes tries to tell me that I'm just "overreacting," or that what happened to me wasn't actually that bad, there's just something horribly wrong with me for having the emotional responses that I have.

[Sienna]

Hey a_bunny,
I hope your doing ok.

TRIGGER WARNING..please be careful.

I was worried about all that i wrote, so I'm so glad that you found it helpful.
I do agree, people in my opinion here are lovely.

I am glad that the Cortisol makes sense to you.
I understand what you are saying about your Therapist.
Im sure, that even if she hasn't heard of it before, she will be able to help you understand it, and i hope she can help you work through it.

If it was me, i would bring it up, if you want to.
This forum is great for finding others who relate our stuff, whatever that may be.

Have you read Pete Walkers book?
He had and still has symptoms of CPTSD, and is a therapist. The book which explains CPTSD well, is *Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker*
If not, he explains how CPTSD develops.
When nothing else, but neglect happens to a child, it can cause CPTSD.
It might be helpful for you to read it.

i completely understand you thinking that what your suffered isn't that big or that there is worse.

I agree - and don't think your are racially stereotyping.
Even if others didn't experience things like that from that culture (which would be very surprising if they didn't).. it was that way in that house for you- it *was* that way.

Im so sorry for what happened to you. 
I know its hard to believe our own stories.
We make excuses for our parents, find logical reasons as to why they acted that way...
I think I'm just coming out of denial and out of minimizing my traumas myself.

What you definitely describe, is abuse. Neglect too- which is abuse.
But you experienced was emotional abuse.
I put what you told me in a list for you, as it might be helpful for you to see it written in a list...

1.My Dad had a temper and would get angry unpredictably,
(that is abusive. That would make anyone terrified, waiting for the next shoe to drop, just like people in wars, waiting for the bombs to drop or for them to be killed)

2. Criticized a lot - emotional abuse-
What for-
for not achieving well enough in and out of school,
not meeting my parents' very high expectations.
It sounds to me as though you were put under way too much pressure,
not positively reinforced to do well, but instead insulted and shamed,
They should have accepted your ability with academics and realized that its not the end of the world-
not someitng to abuse you over.
You are with so much more than *what you do, or what you achieve*.
It sounds like love was conditional - given only when you succeeded-
and that is wrong.
or maybe they didn't give it when you did succeed?

the worst part is that when I would get upset in reaction to getting yelled at, -
my parents would act in invalidating ways.
That is just so cruel.
You had every right to be upset!!!
You have every right in the world- to *feel your feelings*, and feelings, whatever they are, however they match a situation, are *appropiate* because feelings don't have to always be logical and appropriate for the situation at hand.
Your feelings here were extremely appropriate.

When you are being abused- people are not taking care of you, they are not respecting your feelings-
therefore when you are abused, you are automatically being neglected.
Invalidation is also a form of abuse.

My feelings and experience -- being scared, angry, crying a lot -- was never what was important. My Dad at best ignored it, =
neglect
and at worst got angry at it and yelled at me some more for it.

And while my Mom would be more sympathetic and feel bad that I was feeling bad, she would explain it as "Dad just loves you so much. Don't be angry at him."
God reading this makes me feel angry for you. It happened to me too. All my empathy and compassion goes out to you.

You see, even if he did love you- deep inside of him-
he is not *showing* it, and of course that would hurt you!
Just because someone might love you, or just because they have issues, or a temper, it doesn't mean that their ehavour can be excused,
because at the end of the day, we have to protect ourselves. Its not our fault they are messed up.

Your mums sounds like an enabler for your father, perhaps she was codependent.
She is explaining away his abusive behavior, making excuses for him,
and why that does to a child, is it teaches them that all they deserve is being treated like that,
and it can mess up your head, so you learn that it is ok for others to treat you that way.
Her saying- don't be mad-
is giving you the message that you are not have feelings. That your feelings don't matter, that you are not important.
There is nothing like another parent standing by while the other parent abuses their child, - that teaches the child that they are not worthy of being saved, or rescued.

I want to say to you, that Lisa A Romano on youtube, talks about ACOAs, Children of Alcoholics.
You are a children of an Alcoholics, even if there was no alcohol in the home.
The reason is- is because your parents acted like alcoholics.
children of Alcoholics come from dysfunctional families, even if there is no alcohol to point to or not drugs.
Alcoholic parents can be self absorbed, meaning, that their attention isn't on you, but on their addiction to alcohol / drugs.
Parents who have their own traumatic past, are still stuck in that, or parents who have psychological issues-
so even fi they don't mean it, they have an inability to be fully present with their children.

I used to think that physical and sexual abuse were the big ones, but i am realizing,
that, from my research, that emotional abuse causes the most damage,
and the most long lasting damage too.
What hurts about physical and sexual abuse- more than the pain of enduring the abuse-
is *the way it makes you feel*.
And emotional abuse really ruins us.

Trauma recovery university- on youtube, one woman said that she was sexually abused, but it stopped when she hit her teens, and then she was emotionally abused.
She said she would have preferred to be sexually abused instead of emotionally abused.

I am finding, that the most scariest feelings i have, are of being neglected  and abandoned.
The fact that know one cared about what was happening to me.
The fact that i was alone.

Sometimes tries to tell me that I'm just "overreacting," or that what happened to me wasn't actually that bad, there's just something horribly wrong with me for having the emotional responses that I have.
This could be due to your abuse, that you are thinking this, that nothing happened and abuse and neglect make us thin that there is something wrong with US.
That we are WRONG FOR FEELING WHAT WE FEEL.
You are also invalidating your experience, just like they did.
It could also be a defense mechanism against the truth of your story
Even if you want to know the truth, there may be a part of you, as was in my case, that was devastated when the reals truth finally hit. I was in a lot of shock.

I started to realize, that what happened to me was a big deal,
because of my research,
but-
the thing that helped me most, was feeling for the first time recently, just how hurt my inner child was.
I knew then right to my core, that it didn't matter what kind of abuse i endured, all abuse is equally as painful and difficult and devastating, no matter how much of it was suffered or what type, or how often it happened etc etc.
Pain is pain.

I really hope this helps and that it didn't look like i was talking you out of your feelings.
The day i found out that it was real, that it did matter etc. was a day of shock, sadness, and a small bit of relief.
i don't want to ruin your view of what happened, because maybe you need it to be that way for now, and you can only realize yourself anyway- from your inner self.
But i know that healing does come from realizing the truth.

oh some links that might help you: Spartanlifecoach:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXVAxO_FToA
Lisa A Romano ACOA life coach:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnb-zJ_FwLA

I hope this helps. 

[Sienna]

Really sorry - i realized that you didn't ask for the links and i should have offered before sending you the.
if you do want t oread it at some point, here is the first book i ever read that resonated with me that something *was* wrong, remained in denial after however but here you go:
Running On Empty by Jonice Webb.
Talks about emotional neglect.
and i just wanted to quickly add- that being yelled at, is known as Verbal abuse.

i really hope this wasn't too much, but i totally understand if it was.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Bunny.    I wonder if that looming presence is you behind that door, angry, hurt you?  If your M constantly told you not to be angry that your F loved you, you would perhaps feel like you had to lock that part away because what kind of person would you be to acknowledge that anger?  Moreover, what would happen if you did let the pain out given neither parent validated it? As a child it probably would have been overwhelming to feel all that so you pushed it behind the door. 

I know I'm not comfortable being alone with myself because I can hear/feel parts of me I would rather not so perhaps that's what you're experiencing.  I just wanted to put that out there in case it resonates with you.   

[Sienna]

Oh my gosh Kizzie,
hope its ok that I'm jumping in..
Just wanted to say that i think that you are right, and i had thought of this before (about my own self), but wasn't sure, though it makes sense. i understand what you are saying about not wanting to be alone with yourself, and that part of you. It is very scary, and yes, would have been terrifying as a child.
I didn't put this in even I had thought of it a_bunny, because i forgot abut that part.

[Kizzie]

Yes, jump right in Sienna, that's why we're here    I don't know if this is what's going on with you bunny but sometimes when we share our experiences it resonates (or not lol). 

[mourningdove]

I had intended to come back and post more about my own dread of being alone, but my experience is so eerily similar to what Sienna described that I don't think I have much to add. And what Kizzie suggested as to the possible cause of it resonates with me a great deal.

[Sienna]

Oh my gosh Kizzie,   
I am so glad you said that.
Im super paranoid at the moment about what others think of me on the forum as i have posted a lot lately.  So yes, thank you!

[Sienna]

Sorry MourningDove, if i had taken your chance to share your story. I didn't know though, so it wasn't intentional.
Im sorry your story is similar, it is very scary.
It is amazing to me, to have you say that your story is eerily similar.
It does make me feel less alone, and less weird- were not weird, but worries of what X thought was bad and my inner critic.

I hope it was ok that it resonated with you, and i hope that if you would like to, you can figure it all out. 

[mourningdove]

Sorry MourningDove, if i had taken your chance to share your story. I didn't know though, so it wasn't intentional.

Nothing at all to be sorry about, as far as I'm concerned. Not only were your comments helpful in making me feel less alone with the experience, but they were also helpful in the sense that I didn't have to struggle to write everything out  (since I often have trouble writing at length, especially about personal experiences that are stressful). It's a lot less work for me to be able to point to your account and say, "Yes, this is what it's like for me, too." 

[Kizzie]

    I also love it when something resonates - it means I have symptoms and experiences that are normal/common for what I went through, that it's not me being defective or broken or overly sensitive or