HOOVER FROM ESIS RE: MY GC SISTER'S WEDDING

[narcfree2016]

Received the following letter from ESIS yesterday.  Did not go to my spam - she must have used an email address I am unfamiliar with.

Hi,

Just wanted to touch base with you on a few items.  I've been respecting your request for no family communication.  I'm not sure why, and feel that it is none of my business unless you want to share this info with me.  I know that the last time we spoke, you were focused on making positive changes in your life, and I want to let you know that I support any decisions you that you make, however difficult for our family to accept. I'm also not sure if I specifically have contributed to this decision, and I would appreciate you letting me know if I've done anything that has caused you to take this action, so that I can make changes going forward to respect your feelings.

The real reason I am reaching out is because we have a few family events on the horizon. I assume that you will not be attending x's wedding.  I know that she would love to have you there, but will respect your decision either way.  She's managed to keep the guest list very small, with only a handful of family, and none of mom's family in attendance. I will also keep baby news to myself unless I hear from you otherwise.

Anyway, I will go back to radio silence as I know that is your wish.  Just know that I love you very much and hope that you are working your way to finding peace and happiness.

Love

X


My thoughts:

I have no intention of responding, because she may have written this letter of out of her own instinct or it may be a request originating from my mother or sister (leaning towards sister in this case).  There is no emotionally safe way of determining this without the risk of exposing myself to my toxic malignant covert nmom.

Ultimately I requested no contact with my family at the beginning, and did not give a reason, because all the research that I did supported this.  In the first paragraph, she states that it is none of her business, then asks me to explain myself.

Also, she mentions that GC sister will respect the fact that I will not attend her wedding.  This comment shows that she completely fails to understand GC sis, or she is being less than candid with me.  Neither option is impressing me right now. 

She mentions that none of Mom's family is attending the wedding.  My mother has a habit of airing various family members secrets to her immediate family in an attempt to garner sympathy for how difficult her plight is.  Even before Christmas of last year, when l last I spoke to my parents, she went too far (revealing one of my father's secrets), and my father has been dismayed.  Not to the point of doing anything about it, though.

Had to get that off my chest. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi narcfree2016,

as I'm in the process myself of distancing myself from my FOO I can relate to you needing getting this of your chest.

It is a hoover... and I understand your intention of not responding. 

FWIW, I wouldn't either.


I'm not sure if you want a reply and/or reflection from me (or others) so I will put it in a color that is hard to read. Highlight/selct the text if you want to read, if you don't want to read, just skip it:
EnablerSis is pulling a couple of 'fast ones'.
You wrote: "In the first paragraph, she states that it is none of her business, then asks me to explain myself."
Indeed. Well spotted.
Also:
- If GC sis wants to invite you for her wedding, that's GC sis' business. But I guess that's what makes her EnablerSis.
- "I'm not going to tell you about the baby-news". Ehrrmmm, you just did, enSis!

You also wrote: "Ultimately I requested no contact with my family at the beginning, and did not give a reason, because all the research that I did supported this."
I did much the same. I didn't explain to my uHPDmom and uHPDsis (I didn't even specifically told them I went NC, so effectively I went very Low Contact), but told my enDad and Bro I would be practically NC with Sis. I too had read that explaining why would do no good, especially as far as the narcs are concerned. I kept my explaining to Bro and Dad very short and made it clear it was not up for discussion.
That did not prevent them from acting as Flying Monkeys though. My gut feeling says enSis is tricked into proxy recruitment as well, either out of her own Fear, Obligation, Guilt or more directly by GCsis and/or Nmom.
Whatever the case, the source of her current behavior doesn't matter much as far as your (non)reaction is concerned, IMHO.

Your boundaries have been busted, and a few times in one go, it seems to me.
The way enSis phrases it, it's like they are tiny boundary violations. Little prods. "Plausible deniability". But they are violations nonetheless.

In my personal experience I have always found it very hard to decide what to do with letters/contact like this, and it has been very helpful to "get it of my chest" here as well. I've had some great support from other members, whatever I decided 'what to do'.

One thing that has helped me personally the most is: Don't respond hastily, take whatever time you need. If you respond at all that is.
I've written many drafts, but hardly ever send anything. Writing it up did help me, as it re-affirmed my NC, again I saw clearly why I went NC. And I realized, again, how futile it would be to tell my mom and sis. Mostly because they both know very well why I'm NC, even while they claim to enDad and Bro they don't.
But of course they would 'play dumb' to them, otherwise they would have to own up, and that is not something they are willing or capable of doing.

I'm now a bit over one year NC and the hoovers keep coming. I'm sorry to have to tell you the bad news, but this is common, I've come to understand. I hope you'll fare better.
Feel free to post your hoovers here. Most of us have gone through this difficult process.
Stay your course, and what that course is at any point is in time: only you can tell. But by sharing these hoovers, you don't have to go through this process alone.

big hug.

[narcfree2016]

Hi narcfree2016,

as I'm in the process myself of distancing myself from my FOO I can relate to you needing getting this of your chest.

It is a hoover... and I understand your intention of not responding. 

FWIW, I wouldn't either.


I'm not sure if you want a reply and/or reflection from me (or others) so I will put it in a color that is hard to read. Highlight/selct the text if you want to read, if you don't want to read, just skip it:
EnablerSis is pulling a couple of 'fast ones'.
You wrote: "In the first paragraph, she states that it is none of her business, then asks me to explain myself."
Indeed. Well spotted.
Also:
- If GC sis wants to invite you for her wedding, that's GC sis' business. But I guess that's what makes her EnablerSis.
- "I'm not going to tell you about the baby-news". Ehrrmmm, you just did, enSis!

You also wrote: "Ultimately I requested no contact with my family at the beginning, and did not give a reason, because all the research that I did supported this."
I did much the same. I didn't explain to my uHPDmom and uHPDsis (I didn't even specifically told them I went NC, so effectively I went very Low Contact), but told my enDad and Bro I would be practically NC with Sis. I too had read that explaining why would do no good, especially as far as the narcs are concerned. I kept my explaining to Bro and Dad very short and made it clear it was not up for discussion.
That did not prevent them from acting as Flying Monkeys though. My gut feeling says enSis is tricked into proxy recruitment as well, either out of her own Fear, Obligation, Guilt or more directly by GCsis and/or Nmom.
Whatever the case, the source of her current behavior doesn't matter much as far as your (non)reaction is concerned, IMHO.

Your boundaries have been busted, and a few times in one go, it seems to me.
The way enSis phrases it, it's like they are tiny boundary violations. Little prods. "Plausible deniability". But they are violations nonetheless.

In my personal experience I have always found it very hard to decide what to do with letters/contact like this, and it has been very helpful to "get it of my chest" here as well. I've had some great support from other members, whatever I decided 'what to do'.

One thing that has helped me personally the most is: Don't respond hastily, take whatever time you need. If you respond at all that is.
I've written many drafts, but hardly ever send anything. Writing it up did help me, as it re-affirmed my NC, again I saw clearly why I went NC. And I realized, again, how futile it would be to tell my mom and sis. Mostly because they both know very well why I'm NC, even while they claim to enDad and Bro they don't.
But of course they would 'play dumb' to them, otherwise they would have to own up, and that is not something they are willing or capable of doing.

I'm now a bit over one year NC and the hoovers keep coming. I'm sorry to have to tell you the bad news, but this is common, I've come to understand. I hope you'll fare better.
Feel free to post your hoovers here. Most of us have gone through this difficult process.
Stay your course, and what that course is at any point is in time: only you can tell. But by sharing these hoovers, you don't have to go through this process alone.

big hug.

Thank you for your support.

[Contessa]

Hey narcfree2016,

I got a similar email from my sister. It was the length of War and Peace, wanting to know where we stand with each other as she had sent out a 'save the date' to everyone but me, and I found out about it from a good friend of mine a few weeks after the fact. Before receiving the email, I checked in with my parents to find out what was going on, and found out my mum was left with the task of asking me whether I wanted to go or not.

My response was that it was classic manipulation on my sister's part. Firstly, it is my sister's responsibility to invite who she wants, not for her guests (or more specifically family) to decide whether they want an invitation or not. Secondly, it should be up to her to be an adult and contact me herself and not pass the buck to mum. Thirdly, this is the classic part, if I say no then when mutual friends and family ask why I am not there, it was me who refused the invitation and not her that did not invite me (ie I'm the bad guy in the scenario, and I won't be there to defend myself). I asked mum not to say anything at all to her about the topic. The ball is not in my court for this one.

Anyway, mum being mum and misinterpreting things, and wanting us all to be a happy family, and told me sister I wanted to go. Hence the email from my sister. The gist was that I had to explain myself to her. Also if I was to go to the wedding, I was also not to cause any trouble because certain people I had problems with (ie my abusers, whom I've had to avoid due to resultant anxiety attacks after hanging out with them) were going to be there. This all stems from initial invalidation at the time of my traumas.

My response was along the lines of being over having to justify myself to be included in things, and it is especially not my place to do that for her wedding. Basically what was stated two paragraphs up (minus the third point).

Okay i'm going to cut this off here because i'm starting to waffle. I had just read Three Roses' post on invalidation being abuse (See Causes of CPTSD/ Emotional Abuse/ Invalidation is abuse POSSIBLE TRIGGERS http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=4156.0), it made me think about how it has all led to this exclusion from my sisters wedding, and I saw your post here.

Anyway, happy to not be going. On the bright side, money saved on a dress, makeup, flight, accommodation, gift... 

[Danaus plexippus]

After my husband died I continued to associate with my in-laws, even though my bat $#i+ crazy M-I-L disrespected me and my family from day one. It wasn't till my N B-I-L robbed my dead husband's service medals off his uniform and lied to my face about it that I went NC. At the baptism of my nephew's first child, bat $#i+ crazy M-I-L and N B-I-L glowered at me like matching gargoyles for the duration. I love my nephew and his children, but I love my peace more, so I never went to another family function where bat $#i+ crazy M-I-L and N B-I-L would be. I offered no apologies to the lovely beyond compare socialite wife of my dear nephew. She can make up her own mind about her husbands extended family.