No contact

[89abc123]

I want to go no contact with my brother.

I'm done he's dead to me.

How do I go no contact with him but continue to have a relationship with my enabler parents? I know he will try and get 'revenge' and want to know what plan I can put in place to reduce the backlash.

Any ideas or advice from those of you that have gone no contact would be very much appreciated. Thankyou!

[Dutch Uncle]

I want to go no contact with my brother.

I'm done he's dead to me.

How do I go no contact with him but continue to have a relationship with my enabler parents? I know he will try and get 'revenge' and want to know what plan I can put in place to reduce the backlash.

Any ideas or advice from those of you that have gone no contact would be very much appreciated. Thankyou!

First off: When he is *-bent on getting revenge, he will get his revenge. I'm sorry to say, but I speak from experience. If he is anything like my DramaSis (and he probably is a lot like her) he'll make sure he will hurt you. But then again, that's probably the reason why he's 'dead' to you in the first place.
In my experience things first got worse, much worse, before they started getting better.

That said, I am in much the same position as you, having gone NC with DramaSis and DramaMama and trying to keep some sort of relationship with Bro and enablerDad. (my parents are divorced)
I have started my journey of LC at first with sis about 5 years ago and went NC a bit over a year ago. During this period I've read a lot on this subject, and a few sites/articles that have helped me the most are these:

- When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships. The title says it all. You probably have went through and gone over most of what this article is about, and the most relevant quote for you at this moment is probably at the very end of the article:

When You Decide to Sever Ties with a Family Member...
[...]
7: Don't pretend everything is okay. When applicable, talk to other family members about your situation. Let them know you will be avoiding contact with this person. Briefly explain why, and don't back down.

- Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Parent, Child or Sibling is also an article that probably rings a bell with your experiences, and might be useful to keep at hand when the going gets tough and you ask yourself: "OMG, I wish I had never started on going NC with bro, this is worse than it was." Those moments probably will come... and pass.

- Breaking The Curse of Family Dysfunction is another article that probably describes your experiences in your FOO, so it may be validating as well to re-read this article a couple of times to remind you why you ever started on the path of NC with bro.

- 5 Solutions For Coping With Scheming Family Members as his revenge will probably take form, at some point if not already now, through scheming and/or Triangulation.

- Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle has been a valuable article on a psychological concept called the Drama Triangle. Expect to see a lot of this, with many role-shifts, to keep everybody off-balance. Useful tips on how to cope towards the end of the article.

Good luck, and since you describe your parents as enablers, expect them to NOT easily accept the new family-dynamic that will emerge over time. Basically it's only you who wants to change the present dynamic/status quo, and the others will resist any change. Bro will play an active part, your enabler parents will resist passively. Expect a lot of: "Stop being so difficult" from all of them.


The upside? I does get better. Because you will get better. But it'll take time and effort, and there will be setbacks.

[89abc123]

Wow thanks so much for all those resources!!

I can't wait to read them all. So I saw my mum tonight, and I really just don't think I have the heart to break the news. The abusive nature of my brother is hugely minimised by her. She's like 'oh but he's going through so much right now and he had such a hard childhood and your just being a bit too harsh'. She is always making excuses for him. She's not malicious tho, she's just totally in the dark and wants to believe her son is a good person. I get really torn, like I'm letting my parents down.

It even makes me second guess myself...but I just keep going back to the word 'dysfunction' and know that I really do know the truth. I've never had the heart to tell my parents about what a narcissist is and how much the bro fits the bill.

I have so much respect for people like yourself who have enforced no contact. Wow. What a challenge! Good on you for standing your ground, I don't know if I'll ever get there.

Just a quick question. How much healing did you do in low contact compared to no contact? Is it possible to heal a little or do you still come under fire for the changes you are making? I know nc is best but I'm trying to weigh up the best option.

[Dutch Uncle]

Just a quick question. How much healing did you do in low contact compared to no contact? Is it possible to heal a little or do you still come under fire for the changes you are making? I know nc is best but I'm trying to weigh up the best option.

I did a lot of healing during my Low Contact period. In that period I learned a lot about Boundaries, Dysfunction, and a lot about the 'crazy' stuff that went on. Unfortunately, in my case, my efforts to resolve matters in a more functional way (as I was learning 'on the fly' at that time, as I think the phrase is) resulted only in increasing abusive and dysfunctional behavior from her (and my FOO's) part. Which led to me getting only further out of the FOG, realizing I was NOT making it all up.
So it was a painful and hard period as well. In hindsight I would say I had better went NC immediately, but only hindsight is 20/20. Then again, both in hindsight and at the time itself, I wish(ed) my LC-period would not have resulted in NC. Alas, this was not meant to be.

edited to add:

Just a quick question. How much healing did you do in low contact compared to no contact?

I cannot really make the comparison, as during my Low Contact I had not even the idea that No Contact was a valid option. 
So, in hindsight I only discovered I had entered Low Contact (I had been so enmeshed before that) during LC. If that makes any sense.
LC pushed me in a different state of mind, and I remember well it took me weeks, if not months, to finally dare to type into Google "How to break up with a family member". That set the 'ball' rolling.
You may well be at a different 'point' already, as you are already familiar with the concept of No Contact.

Wow thanks so much for all those resources!!
I can't wait to read them all.

Take your time. It IS a lot, and it took me many months, years even to collect them and even more so: digest them!

It's a process, and the process is all different for any of us.


I can relate to the dread of having to tell your mom. I dreaded having to tell my dad and bro. But once I had reached the point LC had to be turned into NC (since affairs were only getting worse), I knew I had to "Let them know you will be avoiding contact with this person".
Bro and Dad still resist the change I have made, but now, a year later, they are slowly mellowing down.

For both LC and NC I have found the last words of the second article a great support:

Just remember, if you can put up with their abuse you are strong enough to distance yourself and put an end to it.

Take care, and take it at your own pace. And you'll get where you feel much more comfortable than nowadays. In whatever shape or form that may turn out to be.

[gongfy]

I had to go No Contact with all of my brothers and sisters - all six of them.  I tried to stay in contact with my nieces and nephews - but then they used them to get at me.  The text I received in May, laced with profanity, and a variety of other horrible names and accusations, yada yada, passed on through my niece, made me realize it was time to break contact with a few more.  Now out of 6 brothers and sisters, and 16 nieces and nephews - I have contact with 5.  My parents are both gone.  The crazy thing is - they have recently tried using a couple of long lost cousins to get in touch with me.  I know this was necessary - I want and need peace and sanity in my life.  But like I told my husband, it all makes me very sad.  It's just plain sad.

[Danaus plexippus]

My dearly departed Mother suffered numerous head injuries and severe damage to the prefrontal cortex. She became paranoid and irrational and was in serious need of professional medical attention. Her sister and I brought her to several different hospitals, but she discharged herself from all of them and decided I was against her, a bad daughter, a traitor, perfidious to the core. She spent her last days slandering me to everyone who would listen. Not everyone believed her. but those who did went NC with me. She is dead now but her slander lives on. It's hurtful, but on the whole I've only really lost contact with the most toxic of people, saving me the trouble of having to weed them all out. When the crap hist the fan you find out who your real friends are.