Attracting the wong, and the right people

[Sienna]

Hey guys,

I hope this isn't too weird, but i just wanted to share a really positive experience i had today, and i think, that maybe, it might provide some hope for those of you that need it, who wish to attract healthier individuals into your existence, or at least, individuals who are not *only* about themselves, who actually *see* you and who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

A little backstory..
Because of my parents...i got CPTSD, and part of the CPTSD for me, like many others, involves attracting subsciously to you, others that mirror your parents, / caregivers / the people that initially hurt you.
I have always had self absorbed friends.
I have just come out of a relationship with a man who has narcissistic traits, who hurt me a lot.
Sure i hurt him too, and i take full responsibility for that. We were not good for each other, and i changed a lot of my behavior, the only thing i couldn't change was opening up and doing the whole intimacy thing (counter dependent).
But he can not see his faults no matter how sensitively i put it, no matter if I'm blunt.
I attracted a woman who has undiagnosed NPD, just like my mother.

None of these relationships worked out, some ended because they ended them, and some ended, because i ended them.
I have wanted for so long, especially since this relationship with partner breaking up, to attract good people. i know i have to work on myself for it to work, and i wish for that too. it will happen one day.
Only, i think that it might be happening now.

Since the break up, people that i have always really liked, have been so supportive, with out me even having to ask or tell them or be open.
One particular person..i went for lunch with her today.
I noticed right away, that the conversation was equal.
Im a listener to others, but she didn't take advantage of that, and talk none stop.
She didn't talk over me, if i spoke, she didn't interrupt me.
She listened to me when i spoke.
Apart from my T, this is a first,
and with T, its about me, and she has to keep telling me that, because i feel so guilty for talking and her just listening.
With this person, it was equal, and I'm not used to that.
She took interest, she asked questions,
She seemed to care, and she demonstrated that.
She was empathetic, validating, perceptive, understanding.
I felt seen and heard by her.

She seems like me, - as they say- people are mirrors that you look into to see yourself.
So i would never use her kindness or lean on her to much. and if she is too much of a giver, thats an issue for her, but the conversation did feel healthy, and i care enough that i would never exploit her ...codependant? ways.
She is aware of her way of being too..to a degree.

She shared some of her story, with the undiagnosed NPD X, so she understood about my situation, and how it looks like he is a great person on the outside.
She believed me- because of her own experience and she didn't judge.
I felt less alientated, and alone, and i NEVER though id experience that, apart from with T and on here.
I know i want to shout the truth from the rooftops-
but i didn't do that.
I know that its not my job to get others to understand what happened / what is happening.
Because maybe i have a wound there, because my dad never stood up to my mother or protected me from her.

The things i guessed about this person all along, were true.
Another indicator that i need to trust myself, my perceptions and my feelings. T tells me that all the time.

I don't need her to be a mother to me, i don't need to lean on her for emotional support, (i need support) but i don't like her *for that reason only* and i don't need her just because I'm lonely.
I always liked her, just didn't know her very well, and it would be great to get to know her. Thats why its so great that it was her that stepped forward, I'm extremely lucky.
I really care about her, but i won't try to fix her.
It would be so great if we did have a friendship, because i have a feeling, that it would be equal.

A little bit of my real self appeared and i think she saw me in a different light.
I told her a little of what i knew, after her telling me a bit about her childhood, and the relationships she had been in since then, and i empathized totally, and she was open to hearing what i had to say.

i always envisioned myself being like the narcissist lady, helping others, sitting on the computer or in a cafe with someone like me, telling them what i knew, only now i know that its fine to help, if people want help, you can't just go around trying to fix people.
i really looked up to her, and thought she had healed, and ignored the niggling doubt i had in my mind that she wasn't, until everything ended and i saw the devastating truth.

After she left, i couldn't see a future *me* anymore.
Only now, i sometimes feel like i am like her, only in a healthier way that she was (I'm getting there)
I had to let go of that false image i had of her being healthy, and me being like her in my future.
But perhaps those two images of me being like her, but also being healthy and like myself, whatever that is, have blended, and maybe i am on my way to becoming that.

Going for a meal, and her driving me home, was like when i used to spend time with the narcissist lady. I still really miss her for sure, but i am numb to those feelings that i never grieved.
There is grief for me, about the fact that, what she said- some of the things = was right, and now that i am seeing that there was truth in what she said, she isn't here anymore of me to tell her that.
and its dad that she abandoned me, because i know she didi t because she was scared.
And all the illusions and dysfunctional behavior of hers, isn't HER, it was a defense against pain, and her head had been messed up by her abusers - not her fault.
Its sad that i had to not contact her again, cos i couldn't be in a realtiohshiop wither her as it was hurting me, and she would just repeat the same things she already did for sure.
If it didn't hurt so much, i wouldn't mind seeing her again. But out of self respect- weather it hurts you or not, you have to say *not ever again*.
(i know its not always possible to go no contact)

Today was in a way, sort of like a repeat of the past i had with the narcissist lady, only it seemed healthier, and I felt no pressure to be someone i was not.

I felt really overwhelmed since i got back. its a lot to take in, but in a good way.
Im not pinning any hopes on this person to fix me- nothing like that.
Im just very happy.
And this doesn't mean I've found *the person*...or that i have too high expectations.
I feel very down to earth about it all, after T helping me to see what i *do*, and who knows if it will go anywhere.
I have had a great experience with her, so i just wanted to share that.

it could be that when you are aware, awake, have your eyes wide open,
are more self aware, are on the healing path, send out a desire into the universe and through out your being to connect with like minded, more healthy individuals, or individuals who are working to become healthy, individuals who respect you, and you respect them...
maybe it really works.

[Sienna]

ps. really important thing i forgot to mention
aparently- when you start giving all those things to yourself that you never had-
ie. validation, feeling your worth,
you attract others who treat you the same as you treat yourself.

Its know ones fault if they attract bad others. Its all a result of programming,
and people needing certain others to feel more whole,
and others having issues, so they take advantage of those who don't feel they are worthy of being treated with respect and kindness.