New here, recently recognized I have CPTSD,cause and years lost not wellaccepted

[Noepie]

Hi, first I wanna say this community souds great, the messages of support I've read on other topics are really comforting. (also I might make some mistakes, english is not my first language)

I always knew I had been troubled by school bullying. It went on for at least 6 years and it was mainly emotional, psychological abuse. Later the weaknesses it caused in me led me to fell into other emotional abuses. I aknowledged that I have great trust issues, social anxiety and what I'd call paranoia resulting from it, as well as self-loathing for not having been able to fight back, for letting myself be crushed more than once. I thought I was a pathetic depressed person and I've been told so many times to "just get over it, depression's all in your head, it can't last this long, you have no reason to be that sad and anxious".
I've had a panic attacks the last 5 years or so, and I'm so afraid of other people's judgement and disbelief that I'd hide from my family or friends when it happens, beacause I feel they wouldn't believe me. I hid my bullying when it happened, and I hid the consequences. I'm more open now about it, because I've reached such lows I can't hold it in, and I'm also more accepting that my rare friends and family can hear me. It is still quite hard.
I feel so out of place, unfit to live normally with the people surrounding me sometimes..
I've seen 3 psychologists before that didn't help me at all, It made me feel even worse because I felt out of place and inadequate even in their office. 2 months ago I started to see a new one. She told me I had trauma. I couldn't really believe it because it's such a strong word and I thought it involved violent shocking events that I haven't lived : apart from this school bullying I've had quite a privileged life so far. But the insecurities it put me in led me to other crippling emotional experiences and abuses. I searched for definitions on the internet and understood through the definitions of CPTSD that this is what I have. It was kind of a relief to put words on what I feel, to know I'm not alone, not so out of this world and that it can get better.
I have difficulties regarding recovery though, because I feel like I've lost so many years of development, that my identity is so shattered. Inner/outer critic and constant shame and social anxiety made me unable to dare know what I like, who I am, and to show it. It makes me really sad and hopeless at times.
But this website made me really hopeful, to just know some people understand what I feel is a relief. It's kind of crazy because I'm so scared and anxious that I don't dare posting things on the internet or contacting people that are open to discussion or on the internet for contact. So here I am.

[Kizzie]

Yes, here you are and we're happy you found your way to OOTS - hi and welcome!   

So good to hear you see the cause of your symptoms as real and damaging; it took me years, decades really to figure out what living in a narcissistic family did to my sense of self, safety and belonging so you have already taken a huge step  by acknowledging the harm ongoing bullying caused you 

It is a relief to have a name for what's going on and the to realize you're not alone I agree    Keep on reading and post wherever feels right/comfortable.  The board is sometimes quite active and other times quiet so please don't take a lack of response personally, it's the normal ebb and flow of an online site.  One way around that is to join into an active thread so you get to know a few members.  That can help with that vulnerable feeling a lot of people have when they first start posting at a site like this. 

[mourningdove]

Hi Noepi! 

I was bullied a lot, too, so I relate to your story quite a bit. I had panic attacks daily for many years.

I'm so glad you finally found a therapist to tell you that what you experienced was clearly traumatic, and I hope that having a proper understanding of what happened will help you in the future.

Welcome!