I can't date

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Amalia Vivica

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I can't date
« on: May 03, 2016, 06:35:42 AM »
I've never known there was a place I can talk about any of this. I grew up in a mentally, emotionally and psychologically abusive household. Both my parents are mentally unstable and I was often the object of their blame. Because of everything that went on, I can't stand anybody touching my arms, and can't open up enough to date anyone. Every time I try and schedule coffee or a movie, I end up up cancelling after freaking out about it from the time it was scheduled until I convince myself that the person would never be ok with the person that I am. Other times I turn down dates because I don't think any stable person would want to date someone who isn't or who has as many issues as I do. I don't want to be alone, but it's the only way I feel safe. How do I get out of this cycle?

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: I can't date
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2016, 04:53:36 PM »
I have not been in a relationship since my husband died. I go out sometimes by myself, sometimes I meet up with a friend but I keep the physical distance. Tomorrow I go back to group therapy at Bellevue for the first time in over a month. Our counselor was on hiatus. It's a women's group. Some of the women are huggers. We have told each other deep dark traumatic things. We have cried together. I used to avoid the hugs at first, but now I'm ok with them. Perhaps you can desensitize yourself by going to the beauty parlor. Get your hair and nails done. If you can work up the nerve to let someone touch your feet get a pedicure. It will be cheaper than therapy and less dangerous than meds. There is a young lady on YouTube you might like to listen to. Search Kati Morton, she is a psychiatric social worker  specializing in family therapy she has a chat line, forums and other on line groups.

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Kizzie

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Re: I can't date
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2016, 03:56:46 PM »
Hi and welcome to OOTS Amalia  :heythere:   Our primal brain systems are really quite reactive because of the trauma we've experienced so it's not surprising you don't like to be touched or become quite upset when entering into a relationship, trauma will do that. 

There's a lot of research into and therapy based around somatic experiencing (getting back in touch with our bodies, releasing trauma and pain, etc), so maybe try searching that and see what you think.  Also therapy may help with that feeling of being afraid of getting into a relationship - makes sense that although we long for others in our lives, we also don't want to feel trapped after what we've been through.

Glad you found your way here and hope you find some good info and support :yes:
« Last Edit: May 04, 2016, 03:59:20 PM by Kizzie »

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Danaus plexippus

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Re: I can't date
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2016, 03:20:41 PM »
Well, I took a friend to dinner out of gratitude for some heavy lifting. We had gone out as friends before. When my husband was alive we double dated. Now all of a sudden he seem to be getting "interested" in me. How is it after 10 years of being a solitary widow I'm still not ready to be a couple again?

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Absent

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Re: I can't date
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2016, 09:59:11 PM »
You've just put into words exactly how I feel.

Until recently I thought I don't even want a relationship. I think this is a way I would make myself belief I was in control of my life. Recently I started experiencing loneliness and heartbreak. I think a person should be happy by themselves but as we've (I at least) never had a normal relationship that fulfills our (read "MY") needs we feel something is missing.

I also know that there were some impossible expectations from my mom (not walking quietly enough, walking too quietly, what is the exact level of noise I should be making as to not provoke a response) I fear I would never be up to people's expectations. I realize a lot of those are imaginary - for example I am not responsible for other people's emotions but I do feel like I am. And if I try not to I feel guilty about that.

And then how do you communicate all of that to someone? And even if you could how do we expect of them to understand and respond properly?

Sorry for overtaking your thread. Hope I'm not making you feel worst. If you ever find any resources that work for you please share in this thread. I will subscribe.

Hope you have a peaceful night/day