Mother's Day

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Dutch Uncle

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Mother's Day
« on: May 08, 2016, 01:01:21 PM »
While this is more a thread on progress, I posted this in the frustrated/setback section for everybody who has (a bit of) a hard day on Mother's Day.

This year is the first time in ages I did not send my mother a card. Even though I am NC with her, and I consider this to be an NC for over a year now, I had some MC contact with her during the first months, and I might even have send her a card last year. I'm not quite sure.

But this year I am sure of it.  ;D

I do spend time on 'celebrating' this day though, but in a new way.
I'm making this about me and my relationship with my mother, as I see, feel and experience it. Not about her.

I have been inspired by this by two video's I have seen over the course of last year:
***possible triggers*** A Special Mothers Day Message which is basically a rant on how we all remember very well the abuse hurled or inflicted upon us: Let's remember that on this day as well.
&
How to Divorce Your Mother, especially the suggestion/advice at the very end (@1:07:10)  to "Observe Mother's Day to be kind to yourself".

So far so good, I've written a long letter to 'mom' (which I will not send) remembering the obnoxiousness and horrors, which I was able to write calm and collected, yet in full contact with the disgust and rejection I have for it nowadays. It's an NC validating letter, and it feels pretty good and appropriate.
Sending her back all that crap allows for kindness for myself today.

For anybody else having a hard time today, I send you hugs.
 :hug:

We are worthy of the kindness we can give ourselves. :kisscheek:
« Last Edit: May 08, 2016, 01:04:19 PM by Dutch Uncle »

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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2016, 01:36:10 PM »
Hey Dutch,

What a great post.
I think its so great that you spend this day, being honest with yourself, about what your mother is like, and what happened between you- as in- the type of *relationship* you both had.
I put relationship in quotes, because I'm sure it wasn't a normal mother son relationship- abusive! Otherwise you wouldn't be here of course.

It is good to take the focus off of her and instead, focus on yourself.
If you never had that focus and nurturance from her, then giving it to yourself is what is needed.

I think that writing an unsent letter is a great idea. I do hope it helped.
You are right to send her all her *crap*, it is not yours, and you never asked for that.

I also decided, mothers day just gone, to treat myself that day.
Because i am realizing, that i am the only mother i *ever* had, and Im the only mother i will ever have. And thats hard. Its hard to parent yourself.
 Its hard to be therefore yourself and its her to pick up the pieces.
You deserve to treat yourself well, and to put the focus on to *you*.
Oh, and ps. I know it sucks, so I'm to saying the it doesn't.
I just wanted to add, that its her loss.

I hope you can get through all these feelings you have about your mother.
We are all here for you.

Big hugs you Dutch, :hug:


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Jdog

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2016, 02:28:38 PM »
Greetings-

I have a very different take on Mother's Day.  Following 8 years of a tortured existence due to an onslaught of major and minor strokes, my own Mother passed away on Mother's Day weekend in 2012.  After having done all that I could for 8 years - placing her in various facilities for care, each a little less desirable than the one before due to declining finances, keeping her abusive male companion away from her and our family (although she continued to pine for him...another long story there), and taking lots of time away from my own spouse to provide care when I could, I finally had to contend with my codependence when she died.

The journey of healing from codependence and cptsd began when she died.  And, I miss her still.  Life and relationships are complicated.  This Mother's Day is the best since 2012 for me, and although I still grieve it is much better contained.  As a mentor of mine says, we cannot stop the fact that bitterness exists in life. But we can develop a larger holding environment for it, like putting a teaspoon of salt into a gallon rather than a cup of water.  I think time, and healing, provides the chance to dilute bitterness.

For all who suffer on this day, I send you wishes for finding that large tank of water within which you may dissolve the bitterness and hurt you are feeling.

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2016, 05:14:33 AM »
For all who suffer on this day, I send you wishes for finding that large tank of water within which you may dissolve the bitterness and hurt you are feeling.
What a beautiful and heartfelt wish.
Thank you. :'(
I wish you in kind.  :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2016, 05:57:16 AM »
Big hugs you Dutch, :hug:
Thank you! :)

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I put relationship in quotes, because I'm sure it wasn't a normal mother son relationship- abusive!
It certainly hasn't been a relationship I'd like to model my other relationships on.
I probably did so more than I have realized up to now. 'Now' meaning the last couple of years in coming out of the fog. Though somewhere this realization must have always lingered in 'the back of my mind', or I wouldn't have broken off the few relations I had, which were characterized by pretty dysfunctional interactions between my GF's and me. From both ends, I want to add.
I guess I still did model any new relationship on that with my mother though. I always rejected the idea I would have 'Oedipus-complex', but as I type this, I may subconsciously have been doing it anyway. I engaged with some pretty Drama-loving women! And to a lesser extend drama-creating friends as well...

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I also decided, mothers day just gone, to treat myself that day.
Because i am realizing, that i am the only mother i *ever* had, and Im the only mother i will ever have. And thats hard. Its hard to parent yourself.
I hope and wish the hardest part is to actually realize one has to, and is allowed to, parent oneself. I have a vague hunch the actual self-parenting may be a 'walk-in-the-park' compared to that. How lovely it would be if one could be one's own 'good enough' parent?
Perhaps next year we could start a "Happy self-mothering Day"-thread?

Take care, dear Sienna.  :hug:

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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2016, 11:02:00 AM »
Hey Dutch,

It is so great that you are coming Out of the Fog.
Im only beginning to understand just what this means. It is life changing.
And its so great that you got rid of those relationships and friends.

I wouldn't be surprised if you always *knew* on some level that something was not right, that people were not trading you well, and the you didn't feel *good* about it.
I believe there is a part of us that knows. The part that we shoved away / hidden away inside us- our inner child, who apparently remains pure - hurt, but still has all the amazing characteristics they always had. Who doesn't want to defend themselves- so other parts do that for us.
They just want to be loved.
And I'm surety sub conscious stores things too, which rings red flags to us that - this happened before, this isn't cool- but on a conscious level, we don't recognize it.
And we stop trusting our instinct, our gut instinct- as we have been taught to not trust or listen to it.
We are screwed up mentally.
We ignore our inner child.
Sorry if you know this already.

It was such a sad realization, when i realized that for 8 years i had never listened to her.
We had wasted so much time. But i know its not my fault.

I relate so much- completely to all you say.
Our own ways of being with others, due to our traumas, is the way it is...but also, being with people who resemble our abusers...that would also make the behavior continue.
I mean, it may continue anyway with a healthy other, but we do get caught up with that other dysfunctional person, which makes it so difficult to see that we have ways of being, ie. lack of trust / being avoidant, in m case, and to alter it.
And if we do, the relationship could fail , - as in my case.

And i also think i have an oedipus complex.
My guess is that, we do want to have the parent who isn't the narcissist, to protect us and love us.
Even if they are neglectful, and don't stand up for us, we don't register that on a conscious level, and they are the best we have at the time.
And yes, attracting the opposite sex- makes sense.
In my case, i attracted an opposite sex partner, who had the qualities of both my parents rolled into one.
But i did attract a narc lady as a friend who was like m mother.

I hope that too Dutch, that the hardest part of printing yourself is realizing you have to.
I don't think its properly hit yet..and I'm sure there is lots of grieving for us to do over that.
And maybe issues with self care at times.
I think that once we have realised and grieved, it will be easy.

How lovely it would be if one could be one's own 'good enough' parent?
Perhaps next year we could start a "Happy self-mothering Day"-thread?

Yes, it would be lovely.
Connected with my own inner child lately, and it felt right. It felt good.
So there is hope.
And yes! i think we should definitely create a Happy self mothering day thread.
Thats such a good idea.
And it may help others who don't know how to parent themselves. Don't know about you, but i could always use pointers.

Hope your ok Dutch  :hug: :hug:
Take care, dear Sienna.  :hug:

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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2016, 11:06:58 AM »
Oh dear, auto correct - ahhh!
Disclaimer-  also, when i said we are screwed up mentally - i didn't mean that to be offensive!
Just so you know. I don't want it to trigger anybody.
I just meant that, - ah Cognitive Dissonance is the right words.
We experience cognitive dissonance- and we get confused.

I really need to edit my posts after i have written them.

Take care, dear Dutch

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2016, 11:52:57 AM »
Oh dear, auto correct - ahhh!
Disclaimer-  also, when i said we are screwed up mentally - i didn't mean that to be offensive!
:rofl:
Not taken as such, dear Sienna. I have a pretty good idea what you meant by it. It sure does make sense to me what you wrote.  :thumbup:

I'll put the Happy self-mothering Day 2017 in my agenda.

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I hope that too Dutch, that the hardest part of parenting yourself is realizing you have to.
I don't think its properly hit yet..and I'm sure there is lots of grieving for us to do over that.
I have a hunch the two will go hand in hand.
Starting to self-parent ourself most likely will connect us with the grief of not having had 'good enough' parenting in the first place.
Grieving has to be done to let self-love take Grief's place.
But that sounds hopelessly intellectual to me at this point in my life.
It sounds like a plan though.  ;D

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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2016, 01:15:03 PM »
Oh im so glad Dutch.
I thought you would know what i meant, as I know you also have a narcissistic mother, or father, or both.

I'll put the Happy self-mothering Day 2017 in my agenda.
 :yeahthat:

I think that you are absolutely right about grief and self parenting going hand in hand.
I felt that when i connected with my inner child recently, as well as how right it felt and how surprisingly at peace i felt.

Grieving has to be done to let self-love take Grief's place.
Yes, i will try to remember that. Grief makes us act in certain ways, anger, and anger at ourselves at the top of the pile of grief. Not self love.
Though we can try to self love when we are angry.
And also, that is grief they gave us. Our real selves feel that, and then we can embrace our true selves.

How do you mean Dutch?
You are not in an intellectual place, or you are intellectualizing too much/
Either is ok i think. It is what it is, and there is a reason for it.
I try to accept where i am at, though difficult.
It will pass, as its all a process. I know at times, it feels that it won't get better.
But that sounds hopelessly intellectual to me at this point in my life.

You are admirable Dutch for being on this journey. Even if you had no choice.
 ;D  :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2016, 01:20:36 PM »
How do you mean Dutch?
You are not in an intellectual place, or you are intellectualizing too much/
Either is ok i think. It is what it is, and there is a reason for it.
By it I mean that so far it sounds more like a nice idea, than that I actually have experience.
As I typed it up it sounded to me like "Right, now I got it all figured out" (or that you all might think I got it figured out) when it's just a thought, an idea, that may prove to be valid, but may not. The proof is in eating the pudding. I'll do that though, the pudding is appealing to me.

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You are admirable Dutch for being on this journey. Even if you had no choice.
So are you, and it's wonderful to have company here.  ;D  :waveline:

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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2016, 05:38:34 PM »
Oh ok, i understand what you mean now.
Did you know that Dutch Uncle means:
*A person giving firm but benevolent advice* ?
I am glad you are keeping an open mind abut what this will be like.

You are very brave for eating the pudding. I like pudding too  ;D
Aw. It is so great to have company here, and others like yourself who understand.
 ;D   :hug:

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Dutch Uncle

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2016, 05:52:17 PM »
Did you know that Dutch Uncle means:
*A person giving firm but benevolent advice* ?
Thanks.  :thumbup:


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Sienna

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Re: Mother's Day
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2016, 06:10:08 PM »
 ;) no problem Oh benevolent one!  ;D