how to ruin the perfect day

[meancat]

Hello all. So glad to find some folks whose brains twist and turn the way mine does. This type of forum is difficult...or interesting, for me as I am not one to tell my life story ... at least not to a blank screen. But I would give anything to have an actual conversation with a person who has experience coping with cptsd. Someone who truly understands what a day looks like, feels like. Those days when the anxiety and fear are so overwhelming that getting out of bed is rough.  Days when the anger and aggression come at times even I don't expect it.

I was diagnosed 3yrs ago, finally, after 25yrs of being labeled an alcohoiic. Sobriety was the key everyone said. But for me it was the enemy. But for my family...as long as I was sober, well then, I must be doing great. I'm sure I am not the only one who has had this experience. Anyway, I have a terrific therapist and I do very well for periods of time. But then I can not do so well...rather quickly. Triggers triggers triggers. And I can't identify them, always. Insidious they are. And before you know it I'm isolating and rageful. My fiance has no clue. His answer is "let it go", or "write it down and throw it away". So consequently I isolate and he wonders what is going on.

I am headed to NM for my son's college graduation and to get married to this wonderful yet clueless man. I am so stressed out. What if they don't have fun? What if Miles and Steve don't get along? What if it rains....what if I'm not pretty in my pictures...what if Miles isn't happy to see me...what if my ex is an jerk....what if Steve is making a mistake...it is all my fault no matter what happens. This is the reel that is playing in my head. Good times. Logically I know this is not true and hat I have no control over any of these things, I'm not that impotant.

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell...today anyhow. Tomorrow I may be in a different place altogether.

Thanks for listening.
Peace.

[Butterfly]

 Oh so many of us understand hear the anxiety, the triggers, the excessive rumination. Hopefully some of the resources on the website and the support community on the forum can help provide the support you need. Have you attended the event you mentioned? How did it go?

Using alcohol and other such means to escape the pain and anxiety is common. Many of us here struggled with various addictions and still struggle at times especially when triggered. Hopefully there's a way for you to deal and heal. Do you have real life support and therapy currently?

[meancat]

Hello. Thanks for your response. Returned last Wed from my sons' graduation and my wedding. Everything logistically went well. Was emotionally exhausting. Was able to meet with my therapist the following day which helped a lot. Was able to release a lot  of the emotion that I had been holding in and sort thru some of the reasons behind all of it. So in answer to your question...yes I do have real life support, especially in the way of a therapist. Family....eh...not really. My kids are amazing and we are very close. But my family, mother, father, brothers etc, are not. Lots of disconnect and denial as to what actually "happened" in the past. I am the only one would has ever pursued therapy. They do not acknowledge PTSD, as far as they are concerned I am an alcoholic who blames my mother for my mistakes. Pretty simplistic way of looking at things and I am done trying to explain myself. I am only responsible for me. Saying that and implementing that into my life are 2 entirely different things however.

Again, thanks for your interest.

Peace

[Kizzie]

Glad things mainly went well Meancat and congrats on your marriage   

I am headed to my S's grad next week and will see my NPDM after two years of only email contact.  Not looking forward to it but trying to keep the focus on our S and not be sucked into the NPD vortex. I know I will trigger, it's just a matter of how badly and how I manage it.  Bah!  Fortunately my H knows about CPTSD and works with me to manage my M.

There is a fact sheet from the Blue Knot Foundation for family that talks about CPTSD here - http://www.blueknot.org.au/Portals/2/Fact%20Sheets%20Info/Fact%20Sheet_Supporters%20Carers.pdf.  I know your family don't have a clue (and probably don't want one), but perhaps your H might. 

Glad you found your way here, hopefully you'll find some useful information and support. 

[meancat]

Thanks Kizzlefor the information! I will definitely give this to my H. He definitely has a difficult time understanding what is going on. He is very loving and kind so that goes a long way for sure but sometimes will say just the very worst thing.  😠As far as my family...no. They would have no interest. Best of luck with your NPDM this weekend. It is challenging to keep the triggers at bay and remember "where" you are in time and space and not get sucked back in, as you said, to another time. I have to tell myself all day that I don't have to let these people on my bus anymore. I am in control of my life, and who gets on my bus and where my bus goes...and doesn't go. Wow...go figure.

Peace.