Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

[Sienna]

Other symptoms of Cptsd - thought this fitted better here.
I just want to write, to offload. Im doing this a lot lately, and i really do hope that its ok.
And this is not a woe is me post. I just need to get stuff out.

I am very appreciative of having a place away from partner- not my own yet, but a safe place.
I am homeless because he kind of threw me out, and i couldnt stay at friends place. They need their space etc. i could tell, and by this post, i am not moaning, just writing down how i feel.

So tonight is my first night here.
Im exhausted, and its been more difficult than i thought it would be.

After being all geared up to go somewhere, and somewhere that could offer support, after the gap as things went wrong and i couldnt go to the place after they said i could, i waited, not knowing what to do.
I was lying in bed the other night, thinking that all this isn't real. It feels like I'm just watching things happen in my life. Nothing feels real.
And this happened when the lady with undiagnosed NPD left my life.

So i was really nervous about going this morning.
I sat down and suddenly said to myself that i was scared and had a few small tears.
I remembered that i felt that way on the first morning of secondary school, and i talked to myself to try to calm myself down. I cried that morning too, but i knew i couldnt break down.
My parents didnt notice of course, and i was alone in my room.
Why remember this now?
I think that I'm realising that I'm doing a lot of adult things myself, and its hard.
Just like i always have.
I feel i have to keep it together.
There is no time for crying it seems and it seems to me anyway in my head, that others would think that strange, and that I'm not strong or a grown up. Of course id never intentionally cry around others.

Im worried about what the other people in this place think of me.
When i lived with others in the past, i had really bad social anxiety, and didnt eat in the evenings, as i couldnt go down and cook.
I dont want that to happen here. Im forcing myself to not run away or hide.
Then i would really worry about what they might think.

Children make me sad. Toys make me sad.
Came into contact with a little one today.
The fact that others are having a difficult time, including their children, its so sad.
I dont know how to be around children, and i think that my (narc) mums comment during my work experience with them has always made me worry.
I felt like i was about to break down and i dont know why.
The little one has no idea what is going on. He just wants to play.
And seeing the errors in others parenting is difficult.

The woman who works here asked I'm ok with children / if I'm used to them.
I was paranoid that she noticed me look upset and away when the little one was told off.

I had to buy food so i went into town.
I am so tense and my whole body aches.
It has been like this forever but am feeling it more recently as its intensified due to this long drawn out process due to whole break up and more with X.
I went for a coffee to try to relax.
I could feel myself disassociating sat there and i had a terrible headache all afternoon.
I felt so tired and heavy and buying food after was a *real* effort.

The people are nice though.
I just cant believe I'm here.

Im too afraid to tell them i smoke, for that fear again- of what they might think and
I dont want to smoke around little ones.
I already think that they dont like me and that I'm in the way.
I understand, a new person coming in is difficult.
I climbed out of my bedroom window and had one out there and found a little yogurt pot that i can stub out in.
I hope i can relax here, but i think that that will happen maybe only when i have my own place.
But it should be more relaxing and spacious than at friends.
Its only the first night, so ill see.

Thanks for listening.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

You're so brave doing this.
I hope and trust you'll fit in fine.
I'm sure others have gone through much the same, settling in.

for not smoking with the little one around.
And for climbing out of your window.

[Sienna]

Aw, thank you Dutch and thank you for the hug.
It was really nice waking up to your message.   

They probably felt awkward too yes. Some have been here for quite a long time.

And for climbing out of your window
Haha, this made me laugh! 
(Thought you'd understand this as I know you said you smoked / have done 

[Sienna]

Omg. People I'm staying with are Indian so it's hard for us to understand each other.
I'm pretty sure one doesn't like me.
I was too nervous to go cook.
But we had a street power cut and I talked to the people who came over to help us get electricity back so I was once again, around so I
I put pizza in the Ivan and burnt it. I'm so embarrassed.
But not cos it's embarrassing. More that by one- I feel I'm being judged. I don't want to look incompetent.
Then I worried they're judging the food I have. I can't drive, so couldn't pick real healthy things to cook with as I can't carry lots of stuff, so I'm getting food in bits.
Then one lady noticed I was drinking water and said its good- that it will help my skin because I'm getting a pimple.
I'm so spotty right know due to stress, not eating much and smoking.
I'm so embarrassed.
It would be easier if I could communicate better with her.

Just wanted to write again.

[Kizzie]

  x 10  Sienna, I just wish I could do so in person. 

[Sienna]

Thank you so much Kizzie for caring and for the hug. Thats so nice of you.
thank you so much for your support.

[Otillie]

You are doing so well. I'm reading along and cheering you on and sending calm and hope your way.

[Kizzie]

    

You are doing so well in such difficult circumstances Sienna. 

[Sienna]

Hey Otillie, and thank you so so much!
I cant believe it! 
I cant believe others are taking the time to read my rambles. I really appreciate the support i can't even explain how much. Thanks for reading along.
Thank you for sending calm and hope.

[Sienna]

Thank you Kizzie. 
Sometimes its hard to remember that. Sometimes i feel really bleak and despairing of the world and everybody in it.
Its so great that you guys are here.
Went to see T yesterday. Im confused about her, and it may be because I'm looking for narc traits in everyone sub consciously.
I talked about the little one to her, and cried, and had to hold my tears in which took a lot.
My tears and sadness are so huge,
and i said that i hate hearing him cry and that it reminds me of when my sister was left to cry, parents never came to comfort her, and she would cry so much she would make her self throw up. Then she would be in trouble for it.
T wanted to know if that happened to me, and i said maybe...but i dont remember, but I was emotionally neglected so maybe this started at an early age.
My sister was *the favourite* (poor sole)...so as the scapegoat, that must of happened to me.

T said that the little one, calling for his mum and getting angry, going on the *naughty step* and (which is abandonment)..and his mum telling him to *stop crying*, is emotional neglect and abandonment, and that maybe he reminds me of myself.
I cried then, like it hit a nerve.
Then when i got back, he came into my room and clicked something on my laptop which brought up a picture of the dog that my partner has, that i loved and lived with.
I miss her.
He kept kissing the screen and saying doggy, and woof woof.
Im crying writing this now...but i can't because I'm on reception at volunteering. Thank god known is around at the moment. Had to go and sort myself out in the loo.
T says its good stuff is comming up, but i dont feel i can express it and i know i would feel better if i could let out my grief and my rage, but i cant for other people being around.

Oh and ps. this mother doesnt change her child as she should, so accidents have happened *on me*  and yesterday it happened and we were all sat on my bed. She just laughed and didnt attend to him, and he claimed on my bed, and i actually said to her, can we not have him on the bed, because he's wet, and unfortunately she moved him a bit off roughly and he cried, - ah this is hard.
but my point is is that i was able to say something as i didnt want my bed sheets to need to be washed.

Thanks for listening if you still are. Its so good to get this stuff off my chest.

You are doing so well in such difficult circumstances Sienna.

[Danaus plexippus]

Would this mother appreciate your changing the child's diaper? Perhaps she's overwhelmed too and acting out at the child's expense. You obviously care about this child and have expressed a desire to be accepted by these people. You didn't cause this mother's behavior and you can't control, change or cure her. Even if it makes you cry, you have the capacity to change a diaper. Please stop being ashamed of your tears. My mother used to say stop crying right now or I'll give you something to really cry about. She's dead now and I can cry whenever I please. I can even cry for her.

What floor is your bedroom on? It's only that you frighten me when you say you climb out the window to smoke. If you are on disability you may be offered free assistance quitting smoking.

Do you watch Kati Morton on YouTube? She is a therapist and discusses many of the family dynamics you have described. She has a chat line and forums on her site.     

[Sienna]

Hey Danaus

Yes, maybe she is overwhelmed.
I jumped straight into thinking that she has always parented like that, i can see the attachment style that is going on...and I'm thinking it must come from her own parenting- which is why she ended up with a man who didnt treat her well.
umm... so maybe thats true...can people really come from having *good enough* parents and still end up with someone that hurts them?
But still stands- maybe she is overwhelmed.
There are rules here, that i was told about when i arrived in the office-
that only the parent of the child can care for the child.
I am capable of changing this little one...but I'm not sure i can or want to go there.

Even if it makes you cry, you have the capacity to change a diaper. Please stop being ashamed of your tears.
I cant change a diaper if I'm upset. These are emotional flashbacks that i am experiencing due to seeing this child upset and begging for attention...so when I'm in that state, its too hard. Its overwhelming.
I hope you understand that. And thanks for saying to not be ashamed. Its hard. Im scared others will find out. I need to start locking my door when I'm inside.
Talking to the lady last night (who has the child)- she is saying that the other lady needs to stop talking about it, needs to stop crying...just move on, dont think about it-
and that makes sense- but for me- i need to stop attacking these types and i need to work on myself and the grief from my childhood that has dominated all of my life..
so if she saw me upset by accident, I'm not sure she would be so understanding.

Im super sorry your mother said that to you. That is very cruel and insensitive.
I am glad that you are able to cry. Crying is hard and I'm still very blocked but these intrusions of tears  - I'm not used to.

Oh its ok- thanks for your concern. Im on the ground floor.
Thanks about the assistance quitting smoking suggestion.
Im looking at it with my T, because i smoke due to triggers and flashbacks and trouble managing my emotions, to calm down and to self damage etc.
Im not ready to stop at the moment whilst everything is stressful.
I thought about going to a clinic for help, but they wouldnt look at the underlying reasons you do it, i just end up swapping coping mechanisms if one goes for another unhealthy one.

I do watch Katie Morton- thank you for the suggestion and for telling me she has a chat line on her site. Have you used it yourself?

[Sienna]

error- meant - I'm not sure she would not be so understanding.

[Danaus plexippus]

yes and I'm on her PTSD forum. 

[Sienna]

oh woah, thats cool. I will check it out- thanks.