Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

[Kizzie]

I cant change a diaper if I'm upset. These are emotional flashbacks that i am experiencing due to seeing this child upset and begging for attention...so when I'm in that state, its too hard. Its overwhelming.

Hey this looks a lot like you standing up for yourself - definitely a good sign of recovery Sienna!      FWIW I think you need to focus on you and getting you better.  Locking your door might be a good idea.    

Your T may be right, that this is the stuff that needs to come up and be grieved and that that is what you're doing (even though I know it feels so awful). 

[Sienna]

Thanks Kizzie for understanding - And thanks- I am trying to stand up for myself and feeling angry helps though I will have to learn even when anger isn't driving me.
Thanks for pointing that out- it's good to know its a good sign of recovery.

You help me to feel more confident that focusing on recovery and doing what I need to do and needing space is ok.
It's great that someone in the world understands that, as well as how awful it feels- but not for your own sake.
It helps to feel supported and understood, and as though I'm not alone, so I can't thank you enough.
I really hope your doing ok Kizzie 

[Kizzie]

I am doing OK now Sienna - had a bad week or so (and was surprised by how bad EFs feel - hadn't had one in a while), but I seem to have gotten through it with just a small slip back to drinking.  I was so ashamed and scared I knew I'd better get to the bottom of things rather than go back to using alcohol to numb myself.  At the time though, I just wanted to "go away" rather than go through an EF and I did but then there's that moment when you come back - awful!

Much like you it was triggered by abandonment issues - what else, of feeling really alone and scared.  I've been working on dissociation in the Book Club and that helped me to (eventually) look at my feelings rather than avoid them.  OK, so I still have a BIG fear of being alone, but the up side is that it's not as bad as it used to be and the more I process the fear, the better off I will be, I believe that sincerely. 

Anyway, in my eyes you are doing so well because I know what it takes and I don't have half of what you have on your plate right now. Honestly, you give me courage   

[Sienna]

My dad is comming down to visit tomorrow.
He cant come to the place I'm at so we are going for food and ill walk to meet him.
I have been talking in therapy with T, about him when i was growing up, and also him and the recent past.
T was saying, that she thinks that he *did know* that i was scared at home alone with my mum, when he was out at work.
He knew that i used to pace around the living room waiting for him to come home, because i told him. This was before I started school. She thinks that by the way i ran to meet him at the door, he would have known.
I was very clingy as i grew older- i would cling to him and follow him round the house before he went to work.
I had this compulsion to say everything i wanted to say to him before he left for work, every single thought that went through my head i had to tell him.
I would ask him - what should i do when your at work this afternoon (on summer holidays), or...what would you do...
then i would do what he suggested, and i think that is because i wanted to hold on to him.
T thinks that i was always scared that he would never come back.
My biggest fear was him dying and me living alone with mum.
It was really mean to me when Dad wasnt there.
I never told him about these things she did, because i thought mum was right, and that i deserved it.
I felt ashamed so i didnt tell dad.
But dad knew when i was * off with mum.
He would tell me to *be quiet, she might hear you!*
and i would go to him (before i stopped doing that), and tell him how i was upset with what mum had just said.
He would see me crying in my room after mum had emotionally abused me, and he would tell me *oh just ignore your mam*, or he would completely ignore my tears.
I dont remember much more of this stuff.
But i have been angry with him for a while, and i said that i would see him, because i was thinking that he wouldnt actually come down for a while, so i was a good little girl and acted happy on the phone and said it was fine for him to come.

T says that we dont know why he didnt stick up for me when my mum hurt me.
I was saying that he might fear abandonment, so thats why he stayed.
Maybe he was scared to speak out.
I fear abandonment and stayed with partner but, unfair to him (but rightfully so for me and our dog), I tried to fix him. I couldnt keep quiet if i was unhappy with his behaviour.

Dad is just so emotionally neglectful, and no matter the reason he never saved me from mum, I'm still mad.
He hurt me too.
And when he texts me, its stating to really hurt, ever since i noticed the parenting that he should be doing but that he doesnt-
since i read about emotional neglect.
It felt traumatising to be at his house when i ran out on partner once and i havent been back since.
I just cant believe what I'm seeing in his ...lack of daringness it seems.
I do wonder if he cares. He is about himself a lot of the time.

I got a text off him yesterday, and it sent me into a weird place.
I panicked, and cried and didnt know what to do.
Since seeing this little one and being reminded me my younger self and how much she is hurting, Im scared of seeing him because I'm scared to be faced with that.
Seeing it happen to another child is hideous and i cant believe it happened to me (and is still happening if i communicate with dad)
Im scared to see it. IM scared i have no support if i go into a weird place.
I may be able to handle it in whatever way i may...as I'm figuring out i can deal with things...but I'm scared to feel it.
He says that his partner understands more than he does- she does as she came out of an abusive marriage, and he said he understands ...he might understand more because what happened with me and partner is the same I'm sure- as what happened with him and my narc mother.
But he cant hear the truth about the past, as i found out...and I'm still hurt by what he said.
I never said anything to hurt him, just that I'm dealing with mum stuff that happened in the past (didnt say him too - that would have been bad-and he did ask what was wrong- long story)
He denied anything ever happened,
he is not emotionally supportive, though his texts are full of lies, saying he is here for me.
He cant be here for me in the way that i need him to.
and he cant support me with the whole truth of whats happened to me / what is happening to me...because it *does* go back to the past.
He said to go to therapy, but never asked since if I'm there or how its going.
I wondered if i should see him or not because of what the truth of his actions in the past and recent past may be.
It frightens me= him= and I'm not sure why.

Thanks for listening.

[Sienna]

I dont want to seem ungrateful or unappreciative that my dad came down to visit me.
Im not.
I just dread it each time because it is difficult.
He didnt talk over me this time, which started to * me off when i started to notice it, and each time he does it, but he was very quiet.

I was just reading a few articles on Attachment styles and attachment trauma.
The thought suddenly popped into my head, as i was reading about counter dependancy as a result of attachment style-
that my dad never asked why i didnt call him or tell him about the break up.
He asked when it happened and i said about three weeks ago.
I have learnt, and i knew this on some level always-
that i cant turn to my parents if things are bad, or to talk..they were *never* here for me emotionally.

When i think of the little one where I'm living, its so sad, seeing the attachment play out with him and his mother.
and to think that, at around age 3, before i started school- like the article said, i was emotionally abused by my mother and shamed.
I was so scared of her - i only remember one memory.
But i must of been as little as the little on in the accommodation...its os weird to think of it like that.
He seems older than his age...and maybe i did too. Maybe we *both* never had a choice.
But he is still little, and so was I.
Sometimes, lately, it has all felt a little more real. It makes me cry and i feel sad.
I just cant believe it. Its like, the reality of my childhood has not hit properly and i know that, but sometimes, things hit a nerve.
Did you know that being abandoned or abused in childhood, - missing those developmental stages of attachment...sends the child into shock?
And that is what makes us have addictions and makes us stay in abusive relationships.
OMG. Its all so messed up and explains everything.
Just wanted to write what was in my head.

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[Sienna]

Thanks Duch.  to you too. I hope you are ok.

[Butterfly]

It's good you have this safe place and also T to get this out. Sadness and tears are a release, they're about loss and letting go. All my life I was chastised to hole them back but now I cry in a quiet place, in my pillow, soft sobs and tears and breathe through the spell. It feels much better to release my pain than to hold it inside. It hurts me to hold it inside.

[Sienna]

I hope you dont think I'm ungrateful or anything for being honest about finding being at this place, although safe, -hard.
People are difficult cos of my past, I'm sure you can relate, and others here too.
And triggers from the past that are comming up now are hard.

Butterfly, I agree with you there. It does feel better to cry and yes, it is a release.
Im so sorry you were made to hold in your tears, so was I.
I like how you say - breathe through the spell.
This is what i do too.
Apparently, more pain comes from holding pain inside, rather than from expressing it.

I wish you luck and support Butterlfy. 

[Sienna]

Big Trigger warning- (as is this thread- should have put that on the top- only i didnt know things like this would come up)
****************
I have know one to tell these things to. X wasnt the best person..but he was a person so i felt a little bit on an outlet - the times i did tell him stuff, stuff that was not about *me*.
And you guys are not just *people*- you are the best people to tell.

Made food tonight. Wasnt as afraid of being round one person ...
Whilst eating...the children were playing, and something happened.
Being visually impaired, i couldn't see what happened from the distance i was sat,
but it looked like one kid pushed the other and ran off.
The little one lay on the floor on his back- i hard him hit it hard, and he was crying.
I wasnt sure if it was an explanation he does..where he pretends to cry (still- that is a cry for attention and help and love)...
But then i realised it was real crying.. loud crying.
Knowing that his mother should go and comfort him, I had to wait, to see if she did, I didnt want to take over as this is not my child..and i thought she might go to him.
She didnt and she just laughed.
I didnt cave in to feeling like i had to laugh also, and said...is he ok??
She didnt go to him, so I did, and I reached out my hand to him and gently rubbed his shoulder. Cant remember what i said to him.
Like he usually does, he pushed me away angrily.
I helped him sit up, despite his efforts to get rid of me, and now I'm wondering if what i did was the right thing to do.
I wanted him to know that i understand that he is angry, but that I'm not leaving him.

Its like he is doing what I do and pushing others away, when what i want anyway, is for others to stay regardless of my efforts to shut them out.
Im thinking that, you have to be gentle.
He is angry and pushes my had away or gently slaps it away, so like with us, I'm thinking that it would do more damage to him, to either,
. ignore him and walk away after he has pushed me away,
or... .to be persistent like I'm not leaving him.
He may be in a lot of emotional pain...so I'm thinking that its best to be gentle and not brush away his efforts to push me away.
That may be his defence.

His mother only comforted him after i went to him.
Im guessing, that he was angry that his mum didnt come to him, and angry that in the ned she did, but it was too late. She wasnt here for him when he was crying.

The attachment pattern I'm seeing here is Ambivalent.
He pushes his mother away when she comforts him, and her comfort and attention happens sometimes, and other times not - which is very confusing for a child, and they end up viewing their parent as dangerous, unpredictable, and unsafe. Scary for a child.

And whilst this happened, its like i had no emotion about it.
Then i felt like i was disassociating...but i sometimes feel that way after eating.

When i was little, my sister was left alone to cry at night time,
and i remember her crying a lot when my mum left the room. She was too young to walk.
Mum wouldnt go to comfort her when she got back,
and i hated my sister crying. It was very disturbing to me watching her cry...
so the only thing i could think of to do when I was five was to say her name over and over in a comforting way...trying to distract her and let her know that i was here for her.
My mum came in and said to me that she is crying because she doesnt like it when i say her name over and over.
I think i felt guilty but i cant remember.
I do know however, that after that, i stopped saying her name, and i would just have to watch her cry. There was nothing i could do about it.

Its so weird writing this down and looking at memories that feel like a distant dreams i thought i must have imagined,- for what they really are.
Thanks for listening.

[Sienna]

I know that this is really weird to write down here. Just doing some reading on what to do about the little one, and began reading something that was up on my screen from the other day.
Cant remember what put it into my head, but i have slowly been realising since i left X that i might have been sexually abused by him.
This feels huge and its like i cant remember much of what happened over the whole eight years.
It like i surpassed and didnt allow myself to feel (denial?) the hurt of some of the things he said to me- or most of hte things!...now I'm remembering one thing he said to me in the bedroom and i can feel how wrong it is, where as when it happened, i couldnt believe it and thought that he mustn't really mean it.
This feels huge. Sometimes, i feel I'm about to explode and I'm just equally as mad about that as i am about everything else. And I'm walking round like nothing ever happened.
I began thinking that it might have happened as a child, only i just cant remember. Maybe it did for it to happen as an adult with X.
Or maybe the very reason i wondered about it and would spend ages researching the topic, is because he was doing it. I felt dirty and used because of him?? it seems again, to be written in stone.
Not really sure what to do with this new found realisation.

[Danaus plexippus]

About the crying boy and your crying sister you did the right thing and his and your mother are the one who should feel guilty not you. This crap really burns me up! You have compassion and you know how to use it. Stop second guessing yourself. Talk back to that bully of an inner critic. Tell it off in no uncertain terms. Say it out loud with your cell phone to your ear so eavesdroppers will assume you are just talking on the phone. 

[Sienna]

Haha, thanks Danaus.
Im just so worried I'm not doing the right thing.
I think I'm definitely dealing with trauma here- well, my own and his and i dont want to do any damage.
Thank you for telling me to talk back to my inner critic.
I dont know if my worry is rational or not. Im sorry it burns you out. I should put a trigger warning on the top of this thread.

[Danaus plexippus]

burns me up, not out and it's still not your fault.

[Sienna]

I can't do this anymore. I can not be in this world feeling invaded about and on so much pain.
I can not watch this little boy being absurd and I can not hear it. I do not wish to hear it.
There's nothing o can do about it and I will report it : talk to someone professional about it when I get out of here.
His mother and what she does and his crying flashes mr back and it's difficult to watch anyway. It makes me cry- sobs.
Often I leave in tears and run away. I don't want to be like my father and go away to smoke and just ignore. I'm not ignoring it- i just can't do anything to help him and it's so painful.

Today - triggering with one person outside of this refuge. Maybe I am just seek g him and things for what they really are,
It's his problem not mine but I feel triggered and alone.
I'm so miserable and tired and feeling hopeless.
I want all the pain to end but what if the world and everybody in it is just painful?
Some days I just don't want to live anymore.
Life seems so hopeless and devoid of any joy or happiness.
I feel trapped here and in my own world of pain with no outlet apart from T who I don't trust and who doesn't really care.
Just venting.