Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

Started by Sienna, May 14, 2016, 10:04:07 PM

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Danaus plexippus

I often don't want to live anymore myself. For better or worse everyone I trust knows better than to promise to take care of my cats if anything happened to me, so I'm stuck here taking care of them. They better pray to the Cat Gods they don't out live me. I have mentioned elsewhere a laundry list of crap that has come down on me. It's mostly public so you can search it if you feel like. Memorial day was especially crappy for me. I'll not repeat myself here. Venting here under a pseudonym is hopefully without consequences. If you tell your T you don't want to live anymore she may move you to an involuntary in-patient facility. start practicing counting backwards from 100 by sevens. That's just one of the random hoops the doctors will make you jump through to get released. Also too here are some videos that help me climb out of the deep dark pit of despair. They are not better then meds, but what the *, they're short, giver them a look.       https://youtu.be/i33ufGKY3pg     https://youtu.be/syR_NinJ2B0    https://youtu.be/M8KdtJOCzOU 

Sienna

Just venting here. If nothing else, it's helpful for me to look back. Triggers- lots of triggers. ----

This little boy- one time his mother  hit him. It was in my room  I was so upset and angry I asked everyone to leave
Sheep and the other little girl scratching him but she scratched him because he hits out and attacks children
I think he does this to feel seen because he is mother
Because of the children playing having an affect on other people this is What  I have read anyway.
His mother was telling the other little girls mum to cut her nails   
She didn't she didn't ask nicely she just said you need to cut her nails
She doesn't take into account what the Savoy is doing to the children but she does tell him off makes sense
She doesn't understand why he's doing and she doesn't understand that hurting him and him to his people and he's angry frustrated .

She's quite Boundry inviting other people walking into peoples rooms without knocking and leaning on people want and I was very squashed  but I couldn't say anything
She did this tonight  to her little boy
He cried because he was squashed she was leaning on him
When he cries she talks in it in her language to him quite abrupt way I scared him he cries

He started falling asleep on her  tonight and she thrust him quite hard onto the couch she is rough with him when she handles  him  and it makes him cry
He needs a proper routine -  A bedtime he is only two but he's not sleeping

I knew a girl that came here today told him to stop crying but in hindsight I think that she might have meant it in a good way people say that all the time but it really annoys me as it so invalidating
The reason that I think she didn't mean it is because she said to the man why  did you just shout at him ?

The mother makes him turn down what he is listening to you on her iPhone so that she can hear what she's listening to
It's all about her needs are not here's
She turned the TV up to and tells him to turn his program down
He's watching kids stuff and you want to sit on his own because she doesn't watch with him she doesn't participate in any play with him
He shouldn't have to do these things alone he's only two

Mealtimes a really traumatic
He doesn't like to eat he's always running around and I thought that maybe has to much cortisol going on
Probably does but I realise what the time that mealtimes a traumatic because she shouts at him
Maybe kids aren't interested in eating a lot of the time and would rather play but she shouts at him a lot
Started to notice that he is scared of  mealtimes
  He cries and underway wants me at times and it reminds me of when mum used to say to me that it's time to read my school reading book and I want time remember not wanting to and she said I have to
It took me ages to walk into the kitchen
Practising reading and doing homework was always traumatic because she would shout I will be in so much trouble

This little boy is really scared of his mum tonight he was saying mummy mummy and could grab in my leg and holding on to me
He was jumping all of the other girls on the couch and trying to hide from her in church  and you were shouting at him

I didn't want to write about this I want to just forget about it but it's like all the stuff just installed up and I understand why I wanted to avoid this because I'm crying  writing this

It reminds me of how scared I was with my mum and my dad never did anything
My therapist thinks that my dad did know that I was scared of them because of how are used to rush to meet him and I told him that are used to piss around the home
It's obvious that this little boy is terrified of this mum
And I feel like my dad because I can't do anything to help the moment
When she was trying to make him eat he was watching something on her iPhone that he borrowed and I wondered if he was to so see it in your folks and something else so he didn't have to face it eating

I want to give us this little boy all the love in the world and everything  that I never had  as a child

The way he looked at his mother his face was cracking with pain like it was going to cry because she wasn't paying any attention to him

This mother one time started cutting is toenails but he was asleep and he got angry he can't even sleep in peace
Chilson grabs him I think it's meant to be in an affectionate way but it's too rough doesn't like it so then she shouts at him if he cries pushes her away
I watched the video I think :-) set a Romano  and she said the children are children want to be seen so as parents that they should encourage the children to let and out at something else like objects
When is little boy was hitting children and curtains things and he has been in the backyard it in the wall with his plastic toys

He hits me and I feel awful for telling him that he can't help me but I always try and tell him to hit something else on the if that option is not available I feel bad for telling him to do something at him  to just simply not hit me

I can't bear this little boy grabbing onto me I want to me to pick him up and hug and hold him because he is so scared of  his own mum .
Sometimes like today I don't feel anything about it
If things kick off and it sets me have to leave and go to  my room
But I'm thinking that maybe all of these emotions onto the surface I can't feel them .  Do you think I have been quite associated for the past two days .

  I think that he is really tired from not having much sleep but  for not having much of a bedtime routine
Tonight she said that it's time for bed and he started crying he's onto and I think that the tiredness as well as the stress is getting to him like it does with  call to year-olds
She said why are you crying stop crying stop crying
If you're going to cry I'm going to leave you
They were in the hallway and she was going to go upstairs with him
He's crying like a baby is due because he's tired  and she can't even let him just be a two-year-old
His childhood is completely stolen  he's just not allowed to be a child
It just makes me so sad
I wonder if this happened to me too   I know that being silly and being a child and making a mess of being loud but is not tolerated by my mother
When the whole maths homework thing happened and I was four I was crying and she didn't come for me but instead comforted my sister is crying because she was scared because I was crying
  This isn't about me but I don't remember what happened to me during the early years as I just don't remember
The whole if you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here and stop crying stop being silly it all seems to make sense to me as though it happened to me
I'm not sure if I was sent to my room as a child for  crying
I'm not sure if my mother setting such as he can stay in there until you've sorted yourself out until you've booked up your ideas we can stay in there until you ve  stop crying crying
Have a very very dim memory that I'm not sure if we'll not banging on my bedroom door  after being told to go in there .

I just wanted to get this out

Secondly there is a new girl  that came here yesterday
I was nervous around here is today  and the other two seem to get on really well and the second with the callous as I don't like this of them very much because of her parenting although rather I don't like  her parenting
  I thought that had been pushed out but maybe that is because of what's happened with friends lately
It filled me with anxiety yesterday  only today that ice has been broken which doesn't mean that I want to feel afraid
It's another  stress here when I thought that the  stresses were going to stay the same

We are going for a birthday meal for his mother not the new girl but she's coming  and I'm just really nervous about it I'm actually dreading it and I'm not really sure  why
I guess just hanging out with them outside of here then I think they might see that and in perfect
I don't want my fish impairment to be revealed to them
The other knows about it but doesn't know the extent
I'm just so afraid  that if it comes up they won't accept it for what it is that they won't understand it because it seems that I do so well and it seems that my vision is better than actually is because of the  Way I have been brought up to pretend that everything is fine

I guess I just didn't want to get involved with anybody from the refuge outside of the refuge and this guy wants to come to volunteering with me child but the new one and I guess I just don't want everything to be mixed
And if you just come and I leave here I don't want any reminders of this place has just been horrible horrible time so if she is in the centre it will be a reminder  and I don't know what to do
I know she is bored and wants to do some think like going to ring so I don't want to be there
I'm just being brutally honest  here

Tonight they were talking and I thought of the new girl asked me a question so I answered but she was actually asking the other girl I question
They both laughed and after a while and I know it's all in good humour part of me can't help feeling offended and upset that I made the mistake due to not being able to see in which direction she was looking I couldn't see which person she was talking to you  and you don't need to see to know sometimes you do as it's not clear by the tone of voice and I just feel so stupid and like a failure for doing this

The girl whose birthday it is we are also going to the cinema and the film is in her language language and she asked me about the subtitles she said I can read the subtitles and I don't know why but I was honest with her and said that and then I'll be able to see them but I'll try shouldn't Saint understand as you can asking over and over throw evening and eventually I said I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them but  I will try
She did ask if I was okay Bing for the ticket of the movie that I might understand as it's in a file language
The physical impairment such a sensitive subject for me and I've been avoiding therapy and she noticed I wanted to know why  but she understood that had a lot of answers about it and that it was a really sensitive subject
My mother made me feel really bad about it
And whilst I know that logically it's not my fault I feel so ashamed about it
So we will see how it goes
It's just so mightily triggering for me if people just don't understand pretend  which I have been doing for my entire  knife

So that's that thank you for let me just get this out
I know that one day I can always do I will probably forget all of my time here just as I will probably forget all of what happened living with  narc X
As I already forgot a lot of what happened when we lived in office place
And whilst I would love to forget this ever happened part of me knows that things happen for a reason this has happened probably to help me learn and partly can't forget it I definitely can't forget what happened to this little boy because I need to do something about it when I leave here
All this learning and all this information that I need to gather to help him and myself it would seem silly to waste time just listen forget
Whilst I may have no visual images of what happened when I leave here at least I will have the facts

Sienna

## phone. Dictate doesn't write accurately either. ! Will write with corrections tomorrow so that it makes sense

Sienna

Corrected version:

Just venting here. If nothing else, it's helpful for me to look back.
Triggers- lots of triggers. ----

This little boy- one time his mother hit him. It was in my room  I was so upset and angry I asked everyone to leave. I had my suspicions but i think i was right as i heard noises but wasnt sure if it was toys being thrown or dropped.
That night, that he was hit, the other little girl scratched him but she scratched him because he hits out and attacks other children.
I think he does this to feel seen because of his mother neglecting him, not paying him the attention he needs.
I have read that children do this, not only to imitate the behaviour of the parent (she hits him), and to let out his anger at being hit and, well, abused my his mother, but also-
to feel that he is having an impact on other people and children...*i must be real if i can get a reaction out of others. Me being here must mean something, it must have an impact*

His mother was telling the mother of the little girl to *cut her nails*, because she scratched the little boy.
She didn't ask nicely she just said *you need to cut her nails*
She doesn't take into account what her little boy is doing to the children but she does tell him off for it if that makes sense, whilst also blaming the little girl at the same time...she did scratch, but the mother has no idea why she did and doesnt care why it seems.
The other night, she laughed and said that her little boy blames the little girl and its funny. Thats not something that should be encouraged!

She laughs at him when he is hurt or when he is crying.

His mother is quite boundary invading with other people, walking into my room without knocking and leaning on people and I was very squashed one time but I couldn't say anything (freeze response)
She did this tonight  to her little boy - leant on him.
He cried because he was squashed.
When he cries she talks in it in her language to him quite abrupt way or in english telling him to Stop crying...
so he is un comfortable with being sat on, and he cries as he is 2, and he gets in trouble for it. ahhhh! whats that going to teach him?!!!
It is a normal basic human need to not be squashed!!! *dam it.

The time she hit him (that i was there for), she did it cos she got annoyed at him getting angry for her touching his head, grabbing his head, as she was looking at the scratch the little girl had made.
She was, in my opinion, quite..rough, and grabbed him and heard his head for longer than necessary, and he didnt like it.
She then hit him for expressing dis pleasure at that.

Just a note- this little boy not only hits other children, but he lies on them and one night he put a pillow over the little girls head. The little girl of course, does not like this .
And he is 2 and she is 3, so he is going though the narcissistic stage of development , where the world centres around him (as it should he is a child!), and everything is *mine!*.
His mother was saying why does he do that, and is said its quite normal for children of that age, and that he will grow out of it.
(with any hope he wont have issues later in life but i think he will)
She, though, despite knowing this, tells him off for not being able to share etc
She doesnt know how to deal with it- nor do I.

He also receives no positive re-inforcment or praise ive noticed.
Its always *name..dont be naughty*
*you are being naughty, you are a naughty boy*

He started falling asleep on her  tonight and she thrust him quite hard onto the couch. She is rough with him when she handles  him  and it makes him cry
He needs a proper routine -  A bedtime- he is only two but he's not sleeping sometimes at night either.

A  a girl that came here today and she told him to stop crying but in hindsight I think that she might have meant it in a good way people say that all the time but it really annoys me as it so invalidating.
The reason that I think she didn't mean it is because she said to the mother,
*He's so cute, why did you just shout at him ?*
and the mother didnt answer.

He was crying at being squashed and she said whats up to him and i said, maybe he's a bit squashed! She didnt say anything.

The mother makes him turn down what he is listening to you on her spare iPhone so that she can hear what she's listening to on her phone, or on the TV, and sometimes, its just too loud for him to hear what he is listening to.
It's all about her needs are not here's

He's watching kids stuff and he watches it on his own, because she doesn't watch with him she doesn't participate in any play with him. Its so sad.
He shouldn't have to do these things alone. He's also only two years old.

Mealtimes are really traumatic.
He doesn't like to eat and he's always running around and I thought that maybe has to much cortisol going on.
Probably does but I realise with in a short amount of time that mealtimes are traumatic because she shouts at him.
Maybe kids aren't interested in eating a lot of the time and would rather play but she shouts at him a lot - so I'm not sure where it started-
being shouted at because he was running about being a kid, or was he running because he was scared of mealtimes from the off, and / or, because he just doesnt want to eat because he is so upset all the time?

This boy cried A LOT, its really not normal for a child to cry all day every day.
His mother tries to make him eat whilst he is crying, whilst he is in an emotional state, not being comforted, being invalidated and told to not cry.
She puts him on the naughty step for crying when he is trying to eat, that meal times take such a long time.
He feels bony. His little spine- i can feel it when he is in my arms.

He is scared of  mealtimes
He cries and runs away.
Last night he tried to hide from his mum. He got on the sofa with this other new girl, and tried to hide behind her.

It reminds me of when mum used to say to me that it's time to read my school reading book and I remember only one time of not wanting to and maybe saying ohhhh....and taking ages to get into the kitchen.
She said i have to do it.
Practising reading and doing homework was always traumatic because she would shout and get inpatient, and i would be in so much trouble. She slammed my bedroom door on me and was just emotionally abuseive.
I now hate doing anything like work, and from spartnalifecoach video., i realised that *eery time the mail comes* so to speak - every time the work of any sort comes, i just dont feel good.

This little boy was really scared of his mum tonight he was saying mummy mummy and he looked fearful.
Tonight he was grabbing my leg and wanted to be picked up an awful lot- so i picked him up.
He seemed frantic- and his is a regular occourance.
If he can hear his mum he exclaims- mummy! and looks worried.
Sometimes he will laugh, but i think he is nervous. His face drops when she comes into the room.

I didn't want to write about this. I want to just forget about it but it's like all the stuff just piles up and I understand why I wanted to avoid this because I'm crying  writing this.

It reminds me of how scared I was of my mum and my dad never did anything.
The little one clinging to me, it reminds me of how i used to cling to my dad, how i spent time with them as a little girl to avoid my mother.

My therapist thinks that my dad did know that I was scared of them because of how are used to rush to meet him and I told him that are used to piss around the home
It's obvious that this little boy is terrified of this mum
And I feel like my dad because I can't do anything to help the moment

When she was trying to make him eat he was watching something on her iPhone that he borrowed and I wondered if he was disassociating and that seemed to help him eat.
He stands up to eat, dont know why. There is no - mother and son eating time...i was gonna say family time- but its only those two.
Thats not good for digestion but maybe he feels safer eating stood up so that he can run away.

She feeds him spicy indian food. The lady who runs the refuge at the office, suggested she try him on different foods.
He likes the food i have. He's only 2 and his mother says he doesn't like spice.
and they always eat rice. maybe he wants something different.
Its not right! So he has no inclination to eat anyway.
i think she gets annoyed that he wont eat and he cries and hates meal times.
But the verbal abuse - its gonna give him issues about eating. He may associate food with pain.
i mean, no wonder he doesnt want to eat.

I want to give us this little boy all the love in the world and everything  that I never had  as a child
The way he looked at his mother tonight, his face was cracking with pain like he was going to cry because she wasn't paying any attention to him

This mother one time started cutting his toenails but he was asleep and he got angry. He can't even sleep in peace. She told me she cleans his ears when he is asleep, and that his ears, like hers, are itchy. I asked if she cleans them too much and she said every day. Then she should stop doing her little ones every day if its causing him dis comfort.

She has the TV on loud too, not restful for a child (not sure what the reason is. When i got here, i thought she was afraid to leave him after what happened domestically...but i do think its for her own gain. She often says she cant be bothered taking him up to his bed)

So there is punishment but also inconsistent boundaries, or lack of boundaries most definitely.

She also grabs him- I think it's meant to be in an affectionate way but it's too rough and he doesn't like it, so then she shouts at him if he cries or pushes her away.

This little boy seems very angry to me- and rightfully so!

I watched a video - I think by Lisa A Romano which said the children  want to be seen so as parents that they should encourage the children to let anger out, not at people but at something else like objects.
When is little boy was hitting children, i tried to encourage him to hit my pillows, to his anything that isn't people. He hits me and i think that i can take it, so i should be his punching bag, because i know he is so angry and i want to help him.
But then i know that wouldn't be teaching him the right way to express anger, and its dis respectful to me,
so he has been hitting the wall with his plastic toy in the garden.

If there is nothing else he can hit, i feel awful for telling him he is not ok for him to hit me.

I can't bear this little boy grabbing onto me. It breaks my heart. I want to me to pick him up and hug and hold him because he is so scared of  his own mum .
Sometimes like today I don't feel anything about it, and like the time when he was hit, it was like i was emotionally numb but i did feel uncomfortable to it. But i have been disassociated this week.

If things kick off and it up sets me have to leave and go to  my room  and sometimes i leave and go to the cafe in town or the park.

He falls asleep on the couch as she makes that his bed...even if its noisy in the lounge with the TV she has on really loud- and music channel too, so when she carries him up to bed, it might wake him I dont think he gets the most restful sleep.
I imagine he wouldnt anyway  with the stress and he often wakes in the night crying she said and then he is hungry. He must also wake from hunger from not eating much.
But he is not being given a calm environment in which to sleep.

I think that he is really tired from not having much sleep and for not having a bedtime routine. He sometimes does not stop and if he is tired, she doesnt notice. there is no, its bedtime soon , lets wind down. Its hard for him to wind down too when people are in the lounge, moving about, talking and cooking.

Tonight she said that it's time for bed and he started crying. He might have been woken up to get taken to bed. and i reckon he wanted to be picked up to go upstairs as he was so tired. He likes me to carry him upstairs.
I think that the tiredness as well as the stress is getting to him like it does with all to year-olds
She said why are you crying! stop crying stop crying !
If you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here.
(She was in the hallway and she was going to go upstairs with him)

and she can't even let him just be a two-year-old
His childhood is completely stolen  he's just not allowed to be a child
It just makes me so sad
I wonder if this happened to me too.
  I know that being silly and being a child and making a mess of being loud was not tolerated by my mother
When the whole maths homework thing happened and I was four I was crying and she didn't come for me but instead comforted my sister who was crying because she was scared because I was crying
  This isn't about me but I don't remember what happened to me during the early years as I just don't remember
The whole if you're going to cry I'm going to leave you here and stop crying stop being silly it all seems to make sense to me as though it happened to me
I'm not sure if I was sent to my room as a child for  crying
I'm not sure if my mother sent me to my room, saying things such as, you can stay in there until you've sorted yourself out, until you've booked up your ideas
You can come down when you have changed your ideas or when you have stopped crying
I have a very very dim memory that I'm not sure is real, but its of me banging on my bedroom door after being told to go in there, and I'm crying.

I just wanted to get this out

Secondly there is a new girl  that came here yesterday
I was nervous around here is today  and the other two seem to get on really well and the second with the callous as I don't like this of them very much because of her parenting although rather I don't like  her parenting
  I thought that had been pushed out but maybe that is because of what's happened with friends lately
It filled me with anxiety yesterday  only today that ice has been broken which doesn't mean that I want to feel afraid
It's another  stress here when I thought that the  stresses were going to stay the same

We are going for a birthday meal for his mother, the new girl is comming and I'm just really nervous about it I'm actually dreading it and I'm not really sure  why
I guess just hanging out with them outside of here then I think they might see that and in- perfect
Im scared that my visual impairment might be revealed to them
The other knows about it but doesn't know the extent
I'm just so afraid  that if it comes up they won't accept it for what it is that they won't understand it because it seems that I do so well and it seems that my vision is better than actually is because of the way I have been brought up to pretend that everything is fine.

I guess I just didn't want to get involved with anybody from the refuge outside of the refuge and this new girl wants to come to volunteering with me and I guess I just don't want everything to be mixed. My T said i split things off from each other - compartmentalise. and the thought of her comming with me just makes me feel uncomfortable. Apart from X , that part of my life is still the same, its the only place i can relax a little that has nothing to do with the refuge, and i need a place like that in my life.

And when I leave the refuge, I don't want any reminders of this place has just been a horrible horrible time so if she is in the centre after i leave it will be a reminder and I don't know what to do.
I know she is bored and wants to do some thing like volunteering, so i dont want to be selfish, its just how i feel.
I'm just being brutally honest  here

Tonight they were talking and I thought of the new girl asked me a question so I answered but she was actually asking the other girl I question
They both laughed and after a while and I know it's all in good humour part of me can't help feeling offended and upset that I made the mistake due to not being able to see in which direction she was looking so i couldn't see who she was talking to and her question could have easily been directed at any of us. (dont need to see to know but the question was not obvious who it was for)
If i was totally blind - they would udnersand...as people do. They always understood my partner- and yeah , jokes are fine...but with me, i worry that they just think I'm ditzy and stupid (omg, thats what my dad said to me, I'm clumsy and ditzy when it was due to not seeing well, not a personal flaw of mine , which he thought it was!! )
It hurts as i just want them to know that I'm not stupid or silly, and that my vision just isn't good.
I want the same underhanding that other people get, and sure, its hard to give it cos i appear fine always...with no challenges, but i think they'll think I'm a faliour or making it up.
My dads comments and my mother being annoyed at me being VI, maybe thats why this stuff hurts. and it seemed that totally blind narc X got help and undersading that i never got.

I *slipped up* and whilst i know that logically it is not my fault, i feel stupid and ashamed, especially as i dont feel i can explain to them why.

The girl whose birthday it is we are also going to the cinema and the film is in her language  and she asked me about the subtitles she said I can read the subtitles and I don't know why but I was honest with her and said that I'm not sure ill be able to read them.
Maybe she didnt understand, despite knowing that i can't see the tv from where it is in the lounge...she kept asking over and over throughout the evening and eventually I said I'm not sure if I'll be able to see them but  I will try.

She did ask if I was okay buying the ticket of the movie that I might understand as it's in a different language , which was nice.
The visual impairment is such a sensitive subject for me and I've been avoiding therapy and she noticed I wanted to know why  but she understood that had a lot of answers about it and that it was a really sensitive subject
My mother made me feel really bad about it
And whilst I know that logically it's not my fault I feel so ashamed about it
So we will see how it goes
It's just so mightily triggering for me if people just don't understand or if i  pretend  which I have been doing for my entire life.

Im really worried that this meal will be triggering- because mealtimes with him are, but also..maybe it reminds me of something.
What will I do? What should i do if so?
leave her birthday meal?
What would the healthy, self respectful thing be to do???

So that's that, thank you forum for let me just get this out
I know that one day I can always do I will probably forget all of my time here just as I will probably forget all of what happened living with  narc X
As I already forgot a lot of what happened when we lived in office place
And whilst I would love to forget this ever happened part of me knows that things happen for a reason this has happened probably to help me learn and partly can't forget it I definitely can't forget what happened to this little boy because I need to do something about it when I leave here
All this learning and all this information that I need to gather to help him and myself it would seem silly to waste time just listen forget
Whilst I may have no visual images of what happened when I leave here at least I will have the facts

Contessa

My goodness Sienna, just read through this post today. You've gone from one stress to another.  :hug:

In regard to the little boy, it is so easy to see the damage that can be caused to children simply because their parents don't know any better. Its easy to see what is abusive whether in an extreme or subtle form. And it is always distressing. Poor little munchkin.

Do you have much contact with him, have you built a good rapport with him? My nephew and I are thick as thieves, and he is a big reason for my happiness. His parents are good people (the one sister I talk to), but I do have to bite my tongue sometimes. Sometimes I jump right in before they can, and use my old teaching strategies to redirect or divert his attention in a constructive way before he can be reprimanded or smacked. On one occasion I couldn't help but take him away from his parents when he was utterly distraught from getting into trouble for doing something that I quite frankly thought was not naughty. But overall, my sister does appreciate it, especially when he starts to jump all over her on the couch and I swoop in on him with an idea for a game or shove a toy under his nose or grab him and tickle him on the floor or... anything before she loses her temper.

We can't do much to change how parents bring up their children (beyond calling the authorities for flat out abuse). But we can be another source of fun, happiness and safety. For us it is something little, mindless, silly, routine...for them it is the world. I'll admit though it is not easy. Especially as you have mentioned triggers.

Maybe you can be like a cool aunt, and give him the positive reinforcement when you see something worth praising? Play a little game or two? it might serve as a subtle hint to his mother :)

I do realise that what I say could be completely ignorant of what you're expressing, so ignore away if need be.


Sienna

Hey Contessa,
I really appreciate you reading my post, i know it was long.

The refuge is not the peaceful, supportive place i thought it would be. The woman in charge is useless and when i told her about the sexual assault, (shoulnt have, i got upset when she asked me how things were, if i was ok...and everything had built up) she was very invalidating and told me to move on and forget about it.
She made excuses for this guy..when what i wanted her to understand / validate, were my feelings.
She joins in in telling this little boy to just eat and to be quiet, not understanding why he is like that, thinking he is the problem - or he is where the problem started.
She says shhhh!

In regard to the little boy, it is so easy to see the damage that can be caused to children simply because their parents don't know any better. Its easy to see what is abusive whether in an extreme or subtle form. And it is always distressing. Poor little munchkin.
Yes.

I do play with him.
Im sorry to hear that your sister isn't the best parent. That must be hard for your nephew and also for you.
Sometimes I jump right in before they can, and use my old teaching strategies to redirect or divert his attention in a constructive way before he can be reprimanded or smacked.
Man. Its so lovely that you want to help him.
Is your sister working on dealing with her anger when around him? letting of steam some other way than being mad with him?

The only thing i can do, (i try to do all you said you do), is to be a fun person for him to play with.

When it gets too much, i have to go to my room, or go out for a break.
I also give him positive reinforcement.
I am not sure if his mother is annoyed that he seems to like me so much.

It wasnt ignorant at all. Im trying to take care of me when in flashbacks, and also him.
I want to repot his mother when I leave here, I just hate having to wait.
I thought if ringing up and asking them what i can do.
If i report it now...then that might be ok...i just dont want her to know its me...and i dont want this child to be in any pain if i report her. i just dont know what happens when you report something, apart from the fact that they might not take it seriously.

Contessa

Some people are so out of touch aren't they? They may be sympathetic but have absolutely no empathy through lack of experience or a completely different temperament. They think they are helping when in fact they say the worst possible thing. In some cases they're just plain stroking their own egos because they truly lack altruism.

Yeah it is tough on the little guy at times but on the same token, his parents really are doing the best they can. His father was abused as a child, and my sister and I were brought up in a house with a lot of anger. The munchkin is loved tremendously, and the affection he does receive from them is very heartwarming. When he is a little naughty, or acting too silly, he can be reprimanded in a way that I can see does not work, may not match his crime, and at times tips the balance of control. His parents didn't have the good example when they were young, and so are still trying to find the right way. My sister is definitely working on it but really needs the break sometimes, the munchkin is a big handful. In plenty of respects shes doing a lot better than was I could :)

QuoteI do play with him.
QuoteThe only thing i can do... is to be a fun person for him to play with.
QuoteWhen it gets too much, i have to go to my room, or go out for a break.
I also give him positive reinforcement.
I am not sure if his mother is annoyed that he seems to like me so much.

Perfect. He's got a break from his mother, you get to enjoy him, and you balance that with time for yourself. His mother being annoyed... maybe, in which case that's her problem. Or she could be observing your strategies. Sometimes I think my sister was annoyed too but, she never said anything so I did not worry. All she ever did was ask me how I would deal with some of the hairy situations and then practice them with me.

Reporting is a tough one. I like the idea of asking for advice on that. I'm not sure how the system works where you are. In the meantime, enjoy hanging with with the little one. You'll both be happier for it :)

Contessa


Sienna

Yes, exactly Contessa. They do think they are helping.
Do you know the saying- Don't worry, be happy?
I was brought up to think that when others say dont worry, dont cry...it meant *i want you to be happy* and that it was a nice thing.
But it never felt nice. They are saying, you have to fit into my idea of what i want you to be. Don't be yourself.

From what ive learned, i cant help wondering if that woman in charge had a past in which she was invalidated.
The mother is like that too at the refuge. The new girl, she had a death in the family, and the mother told me that she said to her, to come out of her room and just be happy, to just forget about it. She is always like this, and it makes me feel incredibly unsafe.
I get so afraid that if anyone accidentally found out that i was upset or needed space..that they would invalidate me and it hurts so much.
Even if i know that its ok and that I'm taking care of myself, and that my feelings are valid, it still stings when things like that are said.

I hate that other woman at the office. I didnt tell her anything yesterday, she misunderstood what i said , and i never said anything personal at all, but she said to me that what happened with my X isn't that serious.
She meant because he is not coming after me like the X's of the other girls was.
But i wondered if she meant that what happened to me, (narc abuse- she doesnt know anything about it, only that it was psychological stuff) *was not* serious.
I felt awful and had to go to this mothers birthday meal and film after that.

And, I'm just outfitting here, staff went into my room yesterday. I wasnt in so they wondered where iw as so they went in as they are allowed to if they havent seen me for a while.
In the office, she had the empty bottle of wine i drank whilst having flashbacks last monday evening.
She said, do u recognise that? and i couldn't see it from where i was (i have a vision problem) and i just panicked cos i couldn't see it. She knows about my lack of vision but people just dont understand.
I nearly cried as i wanted her to know that i knew we are not allowed alcohol here, but that i didnt know what else to do.
The refuge has not been supportive since i came here. She said before that they offer counselling- but i havent ever been offered any.

After her saying to me that she is here and that we will talk about what happened and how I'm feeling, she never did.
And I'm glad because  she is so unsupportive and invalidating.
But i just think that people come here, and those with parents who tell them to go back to their X's or who live abroad or like me, who were abusive so i dont see them anymore...
we have know one. And we cant even drink or smoke here, to help deal with the problems.
I understand their reasons for the drink. They are worried things will get out of hand if people are intoxicated.
Just, she could have asked why i felt the need to drink.
And she of course, doesn't know me, so she doesnt know that i hide away to drink.

And she was annoyed with me when we had to make a phone call about housing benefit mess up.
She acted the whole time, as though she was p*st off with me for making a mistake.
She said she was going on holiday for the next two weeks. And she said, that she has to call back now and that it takes ages to get through, but the tone in which she said it, I'm to imagining this in my head, i felt really uncomfortable and just like an inconvenience.
And she sighed about the fact that it was her job to go and write housing benefit a letter before she went home.
She should not be doing this job - this job involves interacting with women who have been abused, and you can not afford to just see it as a *job* that you *have to do*, and if you do, then fine, but i dont think that letting that show to the women living here is ok at all.
People need support, not invalidation and being made to feel like an inconvenience.

I am glad that the little one receives affection
His parents didn't have the good example when they were young, and so are still trying to find the right way.
I am glad that your sister is trying to find better ways to parent. I know its hard. I reckon that you might do a good job. You might not know what to do, but i reckon you would find a way.
What about her husband / partner? Is he aware? Is he trying too?

All she ever did was ask me how I would deal with some of the hairy situations and then practice them with me.
Woah, thats so great. See, you must have been doing a good job!

Reporting is a tough one. I like the idea of asking for advice on that. I'm not sure how the system works where you are. In the meantime, enjoy hanging with with the little one. You'll both be happier for it :)
Thanks. Yes, i will have to see. Ill ask them all the questions when the time comes.
I wish she would go and get help- though a lengthy process.   :hug:

Sienna

Danaus, i missed your post, I'm sorry.

I often don't want to live anymore myself.
Im so sorry Danaus. Its really hard.

For better or worse everyone I trust knows better than to promise to take care of my cats if anything happened to me, so I'm stuck here taking care of them.
How do you mean Danaus? Why do they know better than to promise?
Do you think that your cats will outlive you?

I definitely do think that venting here under a pseudonym is with out consequences.

I dont think that T will send me to an involvery place .I nearly came close to telling her what these dark thoughts are that i mentioned i have.
I just have the feeling that she would accept ti as part of Cptsd and wouldnt send me anywhere at this point. They come and go, they are no continuous every day, but the pattern of feeling this way is continuous.

Thank you for the advice and for the links.
I have lost all hope in support services as i have not received emotional support of any kind here at the refuge, so i definitely dont want to go to anywhere inpatient. I dont think i need that and i dont think it would help.

I hope you are ok Danaus.  :hug:

Danaus plexippus

My friends know better than to promise to take care of my cats because the night I stood on the edge of the railway platform waiting to the next train to come barreling into the station, the thought that I had not made arraignments for them was the only thing that kept me from taking a flying leap.

Yes of course it is possible they may outlive me.


Sienna

I felt awful earlier this evening because the little one was in my room. After adking him- even more assertively, to leave with me because food had been nafe and I didn't want both if them in heter because they use my stuff and ness up my room, he riyals by vin come.his mother is inconsistent with what she asks him So he doesn't do it.
Also it's a cry fur attention Sbd maybe pushing boundaries.
He was rolling around on my bed.
He won't leave , he runs about and folks around etc do I have to pick him up which I don't like doing.
I don't want him to feel out of control Snd I picked him up once And dI can't remember if I had asked him first or not but I felt so bad and remember thinking that I must ask / tell him if he needs to leave my room.

I couldn't pick him up tonight because he kept rolling about and I don't want to hurt him when u can't reach him.
I totally lost my cool and shouted "listen to me" .
He quite bed and he dies this thing where he won't walk and unhdve to carry him out.
I put him down a bit too heavily.
I felt like my mother Snd felt they I had totally failed.
This anger just came shooting out of me from know where.
I know there is s lot if angst in me and I don't let him in my room if I am angry.
He is a lot of hard work- his behaviour rather Abd I believe it's because if the way his mother is with him.
8ts not his fault,
I felt like such a terrible person Abd  worried I scared him.
It seems that no matter how serious you are, he "seems" un afraid.

Earlier when I had to help cook in the kitchen, he wouldn't leave. I think he is scared to go Snd be with his mother and would rather be in my tmro which is understandable, I hate this because it souls maybe selfish and as if I regard my things as more important than him - which o don't,
But I have things I need and can't easily replace such as my vision AIDS and my sunglasses- one pair the kids took and I haven't found so thru are gone and cost £30 to replace- money o don't have right now due to not having kvh mkvej and having to afford therapy, stay here and food as my X is not here to help me out money wise anymore,

I talked to him in a more serious voice and sags that I just asked him to come with me out of the room and theft you didn't do what I saud, so can you cons bus please. Abs he said yes and came which was a lot more effective.
I try to explain why I'm asking something of him like they because I hate helm the "because I said so" thins parents say.
I fight want him to on correctly learn that you just have to do as others say always because then his boundaries will be bad and I don't think it's right for children to only do things out of fear.

I hope I didn't scare him by loosing my cool.
I always thought ghost if I had a child of my own I would loose it and I have been trying so hard. It is overwhelming abs a lot to take in bring with a 2 And 3 year old- being with him in general because he is so loud And rowdy,

I had to go Snd have a coverage to punish myself and I was so upset.
I found him and apologised and said to him that I shouldn't have shouted st him, I said I was sorry but did nut ask him to forgive me. That has to cone on the persons own terms in their own time.
Don't know if he understood but he let me effectionatkeu rub his shoulder and his back,
Just wanted up offload that.
I don't think I will end up like my mother and go far, I think the way I handled that with the taking s break and the apology was more than she ever did. But I can understand her overwhelm.



Contessa

:'( Danaus plexippus

Those thoughts are utterly horrible. Scary to have them at first, then each time after that becomes less so. I envy those that do not understand those thoughts.

Glad you've got friends who know, and show that they would rather have you in their lives than not :)

Contessa

Sienna you've had a very rough few days.

Maybe the little one feels more comfortable and safer with you, something you already alluded to. That's all I can think of. They don't have the ability to reason at this age so communication is very tough for both child and adult. It really is a case of playing and winning the mind games with them until they develop the ability.

I remember supernanny being big for a while. Might be a good idea to look some of the episodes up on youtube? In the meantime can you close the door to your room? If you would like me to suggest a strategy or two feel free to PM me and i'll see what I can come out with.

Have you begun to settle from the events of the last few days?