Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

[Danaus plexippus]

Excellent suggestion. I'd forgotten all about Supernanny. Hope it helps.

[Sienna]

My gosh, i just can not write accurately on my phone.
Corrected version- if you guys understood it - I'm surprised! haha.

I felt awful earlier this evening because the little one was in my room.
After asking him- even more assertively, to leave with me because food had been made, and I didn't want both of them in there with out me because they use my stuff and mess up my room, he would not come.
His mother is inconsistent with what she asks him so he doesn't do it and then he is shouted at / punished basically when he doesn't do what she says. There is no follow through so why would he? Its not his fault.
Also it's a cry for attention and maybe he is pushing boundaries. There is definitely a lack of them, and kids need them in order to feel safe.

He was rolling around on my bed to avoid leaving my room.
He wouldnt leave , he runs about and rolls around etc and I have to pick him up which I don't like doing as thats the only way he will leave.
I don't want him to feel out of control by me doing this and I picked him up one time and I can't remember if I had asked him to leave first or not, but I felt so bad and remember thinking that I must ask / tell him if he needs to leave my room first before picking him up. He needs to feel in control of his own body.

I had to pick him up lots of times after asking / telling him he needs to leave because he wouldnt, but I couldn't pick him up tonight because he kept rolling about on my bed and I don't want to hurt him when I can't reach him.
I totally lost my cool and shouted "listen to me" .

He quietened and he does this thing where he won't walk and you have to carry him out of the room. He wont put his legs out so if you let him down to the floor, he just falls.
I put him down a bit too heavily.

I felt like my mother and I felt that I had totally failed.
This anger just came shooting out of me from know where.
I know there is s lot if anger in me and I don't let him in my room or interact with him if I am angry for fear of loosing it.
He is a lot of hard work- his behaviour rather and I believe it's because of the way his mother is with him. Its not his fault.

I felt like such a terrible person and Im worried that I scared him.
It seems that no matter how serious you are, he "seems" un afraid.

Earlier when I had to help cook in the kitchen, - before the food was ready- he wouldn't leave. I think he is scared to go and be with his mother and would rather be in my room which is understandable, I hate this because it sounds maybe selfish and as if I regard my things as more important than him - which I don't,
But I have things I need and can't easily replace such as my vision aids and my sunglasses- one pair the kids took and I haven't found so they are gone and it will cost £30 to replace- money I don't have right now due to not having narc X around anymore who used to help me out, service charge weekly for this place, having to afford therapy and food.

So earlier, when i had to go help in the kitchen, I talked to him in a more serious tone of voice and said that I just asked you to come out with me and you didn't do what I said, so can you come with me now please
And he said yes and came which was a lot more effective.
I did feel bad through.
But i always make sure i change my tone- because he is not in trouble! and i will hold his hand and we will leave together.

I try to explain why I'm asking something of him because I hate phrase my parents used which was "because I said so" .
I dont want him to un- correctly learn that you just have to do as others say always because then his boundaries could be poor and I don't think it's right for children to only do things out of fear.

I hope I didn't scare him by loosing my cool.
I always thought that if I had a child of my own I would loose it and I have been trying so hard. It is overwhelming and a lot to take in being with a 2 and 3 year old- being with him in general because he is so loud and rowdy.

I had to go and have a cigerate to punish myself and I was so upset.
I found him and apologised and said to him that I shouldn't have shouted at him, I said I was sorry but did not ask him to forgive me. That has to cone on the persons own terms in their own time.
Don't know if he understood but he let me affectionately rub his shoulder and his back.

What do you do when a child is afraid to leave, but you also have to not have your stuff broken or taken? They are fine in my room when i am there. I need to demonstrated healthy boundaries for him, otherwise the might think he can get away with everything and i need to respect my own. I guess, this mother will continue to be the way she is with him weather or not i let him stay in my room when I'm out of there, because it isn't all day every day that he is in there.

Just wanted up offload that.

I don't think I will end up like my mother and so far, I think the way I handled that with the taking a  break and the apology was more than she ever did. But I can understand her overwhelm.

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa, thanks. and thanks for your understanding about the last few days being rough.

at this age so communication is very tough for both child and adult. It really is a case of playing and winning the mind games with them until they develop the ability.
Yes, i think your right.

I have watched Supernanny before.
The only thing i didnt like about it was the *naughty step*. I have read that it is abandonment - physical and emotional abandonment to put a child on the naughty step.
I personally see why they say that, and this mother puts him on the naughty step.
I think that a child should be taught why what they did is not ok, not left on their own when they make mistakes.
and it breaks my heart when children are put on it and they cry, and know one comes. That happened to me as a child, and when it happens to this little boy, i end up crying (in my room of course) a lot. I think it reminds me of what happened to me.
But- the other tips are good on the programme- so thank you for that.
I always found it hard to watch it as it involves children, but maybe I'm getting used to children, or maybe I'm just numb, now that i have been thrown in the deep end so to speak.

Maybe i could just not let the kids in. i have stopped letting them use my make up etc. because I'm running out fast.
I guess i just worry that it confuses them. They might wonder whats changed. i did say that i have no money to buy anymore but i dont know if they understand that.

Thanks for the offer of the Pm. really kind of you. I will see how things go.

Yes, yesterday was a bit calmer thanks. And i felt a bit better when i woke today. A lot of it has to do with whats going on in the house. If there is like, hardly anyone around and no shouting and crying children, i feel a bit better.
Thanks for asking. I really appreciate your support.
How are you Contessa?   

[Sienna]

Danaus, I have heard that peoples animals, they often stop going through with it because of thoughts about what will happen to them.
Im so sorry you have felt like this.

I guess it is possible that they will outlive you. I hope this is no true.
You deserve to be here in this world. I know from my own experience that its very hard to believe that, and even if i believe it, (or i *think* i do), the pain that this world is and the pain i feel is enough to make me not want to live anymore. Maybe you relate. 

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks, I'm medicated now and in group therapy with other women in similar situations. To anyone who can not afford private therapy, I highly recommend group therapy. Honestly it's the best therapy experience I've ever had.

One of my cats is 20 years old and cuddling between my arm and my heart right now. My other cat is 15, semi- feral and purrs like a motorboat.

The "refuge" sounds like something out of the old movie, "The Snake Pit" an institution deliberately designed to make you want out.

[Sienna]

Thats good Danaus. I hope it works out. Thanks for recommending group therapy. Im so glad it is helping you.

Umm. I wonder if there is any way you could afford therapy if you wish to go.  I know that Emma Wicks on youtube talked about how she made a Facebook post or something like that, and people put together money for her to afford it. Don't know where you are living but in the UK (its rubbish and such a long wait), you can go on the NHS.
My doctor when i came of my antidepressants wouldnt give me therapy on the NHS so i changed doctors. He kept saying i only want therapy and that i feel how i feel because of pill withdrawal despite me expelling to him that these issues have been the same for years, even before i was on pills.

That is so sweet about your cats! aww. i cant believe he is 20 years old! Thats good going for a cat!

Haha, Danaus!
The "refuge" sounds like something out of the old movie, "The Snake Pit" an institution deliberately designed to make you want out.
It is. Its not restful. And because i cant express emotions, and because i feel to anxious to leave my room at times, i feel how i sued to feel living with my narc mother and my father at home as a child. Cant wait to leave.

[Danaus plexippus]

The black and white cat in the background of my avatar is the mother of my 20 year old cat. She died after our apartment was destroyed by a fire. I don't remember if I ever wrote about that.

[Contessa]

What a cute kitty Danaus. It must be lovely to have some friends to cuddle around the house

Sienna, I'm going quite well at the moment. Had a busy few days so am very quiet on here a the moment. Apologies if I seem abrupt, very tired at the moment!

I'll admit I vaguely remember supernanny, I do rememebr that she practiced many strategies that could be useful as a start. But of course take or leave whatever seems aligns with your personal values. You're very in touch with them when interacting with the little one, its lovely to read

Glad you're calmer today. I agree whats happening in the house will be key to your mood... there are not other refuges about that you can perhaps explore?

Sorry this is short guys, sleep is calling me...

[Sienna]

Yes, cute Kittie indeed Danaus!

I am glad your doing ok Contessa, and i hope you can take it easy after your busy few days.
You dont sound abrupt at all.

Yes, i could have just said thanks for the suggestion couldnt I! I was worried that you had watched it and that you agreed with the naughty step thing, and thats totally ok...but i worry and its all me in my own head! I worry that i am the only one who thinks these things and part of me feels safe with myself, and trusts in what i believe is right and what isn't (not with everything though and i have major problems trusting my intuition).
So yes- all my own worries.

You're very in touch with them when interacting with the little one, its lovely to read
Aw...thanks!

Thank you for suggesting about another refuge.
I have thought about going to another refuge. I was worried that the same problems would be at other ones too- not to say that they definitely would be, but i felt that moving would also be stressful and i would experience anxiety around new people like i did when i came here and that i might not be able to leave my room.
I know it sounds weird, as I'm so upset about the little boy and it makes me flashback, but i am concerned that there would be similar problems in a new place if that makes sense.

I watched my horoscope reading on youtube the other day, so far, it doesnt seem too generalised and seems very accurate to my situation's. She predicted everything that happened in my life thus far....whatever anyone thinks about that, i do think she may have a gift of strong intuition for seeing into the future but i could be wrong. Anyway, she said that this month, things will get moving. So i hope i wont be here long after sending these forms off.

I hope you had a good sleep. 

[Sienna]

A thought just occurred to me.
When i have been treated unfairly, or when someone like X neglected me, or when someone invades my boundaries, i dont even notice. Not all the time.
And then later, i think - hang on a minute! and i feel angry.

The little one was knocking on my door this morning, shouting my name. I was still asleep and it work me.
I suddenly thought, why doesnt his mother, tell him that i might still be sleeping so to come away?
I cant ask her to thought cos he is abusive to him. And she would probably deal with it by shouting at him, which would make him cry etc etc.
Its just like...hello! I'm in the world too, and that bedroom is the only person space i have.
She is self absorbed though, just like the others.
None of them can see past their own nose.

Just a rant.

[Three Roses]

You're a very considerate person, wish you were getting the same consideration in return. You deserve it. 

[Contessa]

It does sound like you are settling down a bit Sienna. And Three Roses is right, you do need some consideration in return.

I remember there was a bit of controversy with the naughty step. I don't agree with it's name but "time out" has better connotations. I wouldn't have a dedicated object for a child to go to either, but there it is necessary that they learn to self sooth.

My nephew sometimes stand outside of my door and says "Wake up Aunty Contessa!" He just wants to play and sometimes I let him in, but if I don't make a sound he eventually leaves. Its not abandonment, he's just learning that he has to do something else until I get up. And you have every right to do that too, you are not selfish for it.

I understand that you need some stability and looking for a new refuge is too much of an upheaval at the moment. But it is clear that your needs aren't being met where you are for now. I hope you are able to settle enough that a new place becomes a more attractive option, but all in your own time!

[Sienna]

Aw, thank you Three Roses. That is very validating.
You deserve it too

[Sienna]

Thanks Contessa.
And today was a good day. 

It definitely is necessary to get a child to learn how to self soothe.
I have major issues with a child being left on their own when they have done someitng wrong, i wonder if it sub consciously forms this connection their heads up to adult hood- though out their whole lives that says
when i make a mistake / do something wrong, i will be alone, abandoned, and know one will come to me to comfort me when i am upset with my self or disappointed that i made a mistake.
This kid too, is not being taught how to self soothe because his mother never soothes or comforts him.

The other day, i think the little girl took his juice off him - but whatever, he came over to me crying, red in the face, really upset. I hugged him and asked him what happened.
I went with him to get the juice back.
It was over and done with in a second. Beautiful as Lisa A Romano says.
His upset and crying would have gone on much longer if i was his mother, telling him as usual to stop crying. Just makes it worse as she is invalidating and ignoring him.
No comfort or acknowledgement of his pain what so ever.

Haha, does your nephew actually call you *Contessa*? Im guessing that is just your screen name for here. 
Oh yes, i totally know. Kids have to learn that they can't always get their way. Which is why i leave it and dont let them in if i dont want to.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not selfish for that. I do feel bad as i know the little boy wants to be away from his mother.

thank you for verifying to me that my needs are not being met where i am right now.
I hope i will be moving into my own place soon. These forms are hard but i will get through them.
I hope your ok Contessa? 

[Contessa]

Hello again!

Yeah i'm still going well, all good here still got a way to go in moving forward, but at the moment I seem to have settled which means I will be better able to handle the outside world soon.

My thought is there's a difference between making a mistake and being deliberately naughty. There needs to be a balance between comforting and reassuring a child when a genuine accident/mistake occurs and when they are being intentionally disruptive, or having a tantrum. Too much attention and they will never self sooth either. Its tough, but doable.

You did the right thing with the juice very pleasing to read.

No he doesn't actually call me "Contessa" though one of my friends does, hence the name. Glad to hear that you are in the process of moving toward your own home, it will be so good to have some time to yourself! Good luck with the forms, little by little!

Until next timec