Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

[Sienna]

Hey!
Sounds like you have been having problems handling the outside world? Have you been isolating a bit? Of course you dont have to talk about it if you dont want to.

You are right, i never thought of that. There IS such as thing as being deliberately naughty.
You did the right thing with the juice very pleasing to read.
I hope so. Thanks.

I do love the name Contessa! Its coo that one of your friends call you it. just the thought of the child shouting through your bedroom door, Wake up Contessa! it just tickled me as you dont normally hear the name Contessa.

Thanks for wishing me luck with the forms.
Take care of yourself,

[Contessa]

Yes, definitely had a problem a month ago for several weeks. Its distressing because I love being in it, but periodically get that fear and need to shut off.

In fact douchy made a comment on it that he hadn't seen me for ages.

Yeah and 3 seems to be the age where it comes in too. Had to pull the nephew into line last week because he's starting to try out his manipulation skills... but he is genuinely apologetic if he has any accidents. He's starting to test me a little

No, but its just the name my friend calls me when he is wishing me the best, it has very positive connotations. Makes me happy. But the nephew, soo cute when he does it. Xox love him.

Let us know how you go with the new accomodation!

[Sienna]

Yes, definitely had a problem a month ago for several weeks. Its distressing because I love being in it, but periodically get that fear and need to shut off.
Im really sorry Contessa- what are you referring to here? or what is it in reply to?

In fact douchy made a comment on it that he hadn't seen me for ages.

Yeah and 3 seems to be the age where it comes in too. Had to pull the nephew into line last week because he's starting to try out his manipulation skills... but he is genuinely apologetic if he has any accidents. He's starting to test me a little
Umm yes. I think its normal. And asserting dominance too. Testing stuff. Being bossy.

That is so sweet of your friend. Im glad it has positive connotations. Its so unusual too. 

Aw, thank you, i will let you know. will be a bit yet till then. 

[Sienna]

I had *such* a great day today.
Didn't see narc X about at all. Didnt hear him. And i didnt hear his annoying whistling that makes my heart jump. (in a bad way)

This guy at volunteering asked how i was doing.
To my surprise, i told him in the casual way that i sometimes do, that I'm ok, but that i cant wait to move, things are difficult.
He said he saw the reply to a quote on Facebook i had written in the comments (i thought after i impulsively sent it, that i shouldnt have)
It was about the reasons why others spread rumours about you.
It said that when they can no longer get to you in the way that they want to, that is what they do as a last resort.
I am no longer supply anymore to my narc X. So if he has done that, and thus all my so called friends who were never friends in the first place, are on his side.
This guy thought that i was thinking of the narc lady who left and spread rumours about me around the centre last year (around the same time that my narc boyfriend dumped me)
I hate the summer. There seems to be a pattern of people leaving my life around that time.
But maybe its positive, as i got rid of two narcs, by them getting rid of me.
I said it wasnt about her, and told him a little about what X did and about how i dont have any friends anymore.
I didnt say it in full, but he knew exactly what i was talking about.
He said that he is sorry that it happened.
It was so incredibly validating, and boosted me up. I felt more energetic this afternoon, and happier. I felt heard, seen, supported and believed.
He knew exactly what that other narc lady was like and he got scared and stopped going to her house to help her with jobs. He has had run ins with neighbours who he said *were like narc lady*, and they called the police on him, saying that he did things that he didnt do.
He could be lying...but he believed me today and i thanked him for that.

I felt so sad when i thought, that my own father had not even been that supportive.
When  he came down to see me, he did not ask if i was ok and he did not ask what happened.
He ignored my fears that i told him about when i was with X.
Last night, that thought out of know where suddenly popped into my head- about my dad and his lack of fatherliness, worry, support and concern,, and it bothered me.
Its like I'm realising all this stuff about my FOO and I'm in shock. It doesnt feel real.

I asked if i could join this man who works at the centre (i know, all the men)...for a ciggie.
He has had a lot of family deaths lately. I was surprised that i could so freely ask him.
I used to be preoccupied with thoughts that he hates me, and my X said to me when we were together, that this man told us what his husband does (husband is a therapist)
and told us he works with people with personality disorders, because he thinks that i have BpD.
i mean, what a sweeping statement.
Im sure this guy doest actually think this. I was self conscious around him for so long.
He let me finish his cigggie as i was looking for mine and he had to go talk to visitors, and i gave him one of his, and left it on his desk.
I hope he knows that i do care about him and about how he is doing.

Then, up at the Allotment with everyone today, just really relaxed atmosphere and had a laugh with everyone.
They said that they are going down there on Sunday, and we advent been able to go the past few weeks, so I'm so glad about that. the weekends are so long and boring here, and i dont go out to see friends as i decided it was best to not see them, after they invited narc X round with out telling me they were going to.
I think they just think that its my choice to go to the refuge simply because i couldn't stay at theirs, but on the night i left X's place, i knew i had to do it.
I really needed some emotional support. And it was not relaxing at friends, simply invalidating and i couldnt stay there in fear of X comming over even if they let me stay.
They were anything but supportive when this whole thing happened. I hadn't even told this guy anything that i was staying with, and he was drunk and suddenly told me he didnt believe me- i made one small comment - probably something like, i didnt see the signs and i should have left X sooner.
I simply said, that i wouldnt be going to a refuge if it wasnt serious.
Refuge or not- narc abuse is always serious.
There were more behaviours from X whilst i was still living with him after he broke up with me, that lead up to him hurting me by being in bed with another girl, after promising he would have her out of the house by the time i got home, and he even text me asking if i was comming back and when.
he lied in the text and told me she had gone home, only she was there in bed with him when i got back, and it wasnt hurt at them two being together, it was hurt that he intentionally hurt me.
He isn't stupid. He knew i would notice the door being shut to the room where he sleeps, as it normally is open.

Now I'm rambling.
Got a lift home today with another guy as usual on Thursday.
I told him the truth about what happened with y *friends* as he asked and has been asking before, if i still see them and why not.
he understood and said I'm better off with out them.
So that was also validating.

I wanted to get a nice book to put some recover stuff in, and to document this journey, as i feel its a very important chapter for me in my life, and if i succeed and end up more stable and happier in the future, i can look back on how i have grown.
What if this forum does not exist one day and i cant look back so i think a book will be helpful, much as i would like to forget the refuge.
Hope that makes sense.

So on the way to the cafe to do my forms this evening, i went looking for a nice book.

On the way to one shop, i was stopped by a man who wanted money for a charity- bank details.
Told me he didnt want bank details, rambled for ages, payed me compliments,
such as that i look younger than my age, high fived me like 100 times,
told me after i said i was volunteering that day so have no money to give, said it looks like i have a halo around my head-dint now if it was just a saying, or because of my hair colour.
i mean= come on!
I know he has to sell, but its so see through, and some people actually fall for that.
Turned out he actually did want my bank details and i put up boundaries and i was so proud of myself.
I said i dont feel comfortable doing that.
He said, but i thought you wanted to help us!
i said, i do, and i will in my own way, but i just dont trust things like this.
Before, i have caved and then panicked about it later worried that they will take money.
i know he has to do it
I stopped because he handed me a leaflet and i thought that was it.
I missed the shops and they closed because of talking to him.

Then in another shop after that, i couldnt find the door to leave.
A lady rudely told me to go to the till, and i said that i didnt buy anything, and that i was just leaving.
She said rudely to go to the back door to leave pointing *over there*
and said i am, I'm just trying to find my way out.
She said over there, you need to leave, and she was really grumpy. (i get it, end of the day, maybe rude customers..but i hadn't done anything wrong)
I ended up snapping and saying that i am trying to find the door , I'm visually impaired ok?*
and she said, um, sorry and seemed guilty.
I felt bad then and wished i hadn't have snapped. She didnt know i cant see well did she, and thats not her fault.
I just wish that people could have some patience and not take things out on other people.
maybe thats me again, trying to respect my own boundaries??

So, thats that. I guess just wanted to ramble about my day. Thanks for listening.  :thumb:
Even though the end wasnt that positive, I'm ok, and i think that things that touch me on this journey, are important to document.
It gives me hope, that maybe there is some good in the world, and that maybe there will be good days.

Now on to do more of my form.
How is everyone else here?

[Three Roses]

Sounds like you had some very positive interactions! I'm so happy you found support and validation.

And as for the rude shop lady, if she was pressuring you repeatedly and you snipped at her, OH WELL! Maybe next time she won't be so pushy. It's ok that you snapped, you're human and have your limits like everyone. You don't have to please her.

Hope you have more and more good days!   

[Sienna]

Aw, thanks ThreeRoses!
How are you doing? (you dont have to write it here if you dont feel comfortable)

Haha, i hope that next time she wont be so pushy.
It feels like everyone else can just do what they want, where as, i set myself limits, to be the calm one, the person who thinks about others so much that i cant just let loose and be grumpy if i want.
It's ok that you snapped, you're human and have your limits like everyone. You don't have to please her.
Thanks. I guess, for whatever reason, she didnt consider my feelings due to her grumpiness at me, so why should i consider hers?!
I wouldnt be rude just because if someone was rude- but if it happens and I'm annoyed- i guess it happens. No matter what coping skills or how sereen like we are in life, everyone has their moments.
Thanks ThreeRoses.
I hope you have more good days too. 
oh, and ps. thanks for reading despite being long and bad spelling.

[Contessa]

Hey hey Sienna, sounds like you've been kept pretty busy.

Great that you have found an ally. How wonderful is it?

And that grumpy lady could have been having a bad day herself, who knows? Whatever her mood, its not your problem. Glad to hear you were able to stick up for yourself, well done

Keep on plugging lady!!

[Danaus plexippus]

When I'm in a situation where someone is clearly reacting out of proportion the circumstances I can easily tell myself  "Whoa, are they ever having an EF!"

[movementforthebetter]

When I'm in a situation where someone is clearly reacting out of proportion the circumstances I can easily tell myself  "Whoa, are they ever having an EF!"

🌟⚡💡

What a great perspective!! I hope I can remember that next time I witness the same kind of thing.

[Sienna]

Haha! Danaus! Thats funny! Yes, she could well have been in an EF.
I will remember that too! Thanks 

[Sienna]

ps. just thought-
a good way to tell if their reaction *is like, out of order / over the top*-
is if its too exaggerated for the circumstances.
Thanks- really helpful.

[Sienna]

Omg guys.
This new girl at the refuge-
was upset because her grandma died.
She told me that the other girl who is here (the one with the little boy who doesnt treat him well),
said to her that she needs to come out of her room, dont be sad, just forget about it.
I said that i agree, that was invalidating and insensitive.

Now, this girl and her are doing everything together-
which is great by me, because the refuge has been quiter since they have been doing everything together.
The other lady here - dont see much- see her sometimes and her little girl-
but maybe she stays out the way like i do.
So, the new girl and the girl with the little boy, they stay in her room ive noticed quite a bit- which means its easier on my social anxiety-
i can go to the lounge when i want with out them doing in there.
I hate walking in when others are in there- too self conscious, and if I'm not in a good mood, i worry i have to be *sociable and happy*, or fit in with their vibe,
and i often dont want to get caught up in feeling i have to stay in the lunge if I'm enjoying my space and just want to make a cuppa.

On facebook- this new girl has been writing lots of mushy- over the top stuff and it sickens me to my very core!
It is absolutely hilarious what she is writing to this other girl, about how they will be friends forever.
This new girl, she was mad because on the way to the other girls birthday thing, the mother made her push her son in his push chair, and she one time, asked her why she shouts at her son.
Maybe she is attracting a personality type that she is used to , by being so close with this other person,
but it does make me not trust her,
because she says one thing to me, then does another.
But I'm used to people like that.

Its just so mental. All of it. And I'm not envious or anything, thats not why I'm writing this.
Im so glad that I'm not involved in that.
I never wanted to be close with this other girl as i can't stand the way she treats her son, and i just think that we are very different.
She takes selfies all the time and there is never any conversation that i am really interested in. Noting much deeper than clothes and selfies. Its all about her taking pictures of herself and wanting to show me her photos.

Its so freeing to stick by my morals, and what i feel comfortable with, and now this new person has come in (i hope it stays like this), i feel free, like a lone island, and it feels good!

[Sienna]

 Trigger warnings
I am very drunk right now
I drank with them tonight and I shouldn't have
I don't like their company, so i didnt want to.

They said to get pizza and that they will have a pizza and that they were going to drink so I thought I would have one  sensible  a glass of wine
I said to my therapist that I didn't feel the need to drink because I felt like I had to be in control I need to be in control
She said that that is because I have never been in control
I guess that when X was dictating everything I was not in control -I felt out of control but I didn't realise it so therefore drinking and being out of control in those circumstances  took me far away
Now I feel the need to be in control of my own life and of my own self.

I will be able to write about this more clearly in the morning

One girl was talking about how she wanted to kill herself
Very attention seeking behaviour from her tonight- and I'm not meaning because she told me that.
I wasn't sure if it was serious but I thought that if she was showing attention seeking behaviour that she obviously needed the attention - which is a serious matter.

The kids saw us smoking outside after i went after this girl after she said she is going to go and end her life and that she was going outside. She didnt.
I took a cigerate with me, thinking that she might talk for a while. She didnt.
The mother of this little boy wanted a cigerate. In my drunke ness i said yes, forgetting about the fact that *i think* that she went in my cupboard and used my source.
I shouldnt have said yes to the cigerate for her.
I think she used my source because when i got here , she told me she just eats things on the side that people leave out.
So if she tells me she does that to others, she might be doing that to me too.

She had her cigerate wit her son in her arms which i don't like.
It was beyond my control and i had gone outside to be away form the children whilst i had one.
Then, the new girl (the one that wanted to run away) was holding the little boy but he was reaching out for me.
I passed her my cigerate right away and took him and asked her to stub it out for me.
The little boy didnt know what was going on and as usual, his mother was laughing when he was crying and not comforting him.
She said the kids were fighting so she even locked her son out- this all took place in my room, which i didnt want, but they were worried that the other lady there who wasnt involved in this - rightly so as she has two children...
would report us for drinking as its not allowed.
I thought it wasnt ok that she locked her son out and when he was knocking, she ignored it.
Having alcohol in me numbed me to the effects of what was happening- this little boy being upset...and thats weird for me. I would never want to live like that and not be aware to the real effects of his distress.
But- despite my haze, i was very present for him and was there for him, and comforted him.
When they left the room, i sat with him and he ate some crisps from the bowl.
His mother doest involve him, ever offered him any.
I really do think that he feels safer with me.

She asked this new girl to carry her son up to bed cos she was too drunk and as this girl was drunk, this time she actually said no to her- no, he is your son.

This other mother seems so immature to me.
She asked me to take her son, saying she was too drunk.
I said, didnt you think of that before you had a drink?  (a huge thing for me, i was just annoyed)
and she said she has never been this drunk before.

The other girl asked if she could finish my drink.
After me listening to her ramble on about her X and what he did to her, and how much she hates him, she said to me, *you don't need that! let me drink it please!*
We all had a fair share of drink.
I said no, this is mine, if you want some more, its in the bedroom.-
she knew where it was from a minute ago.
The other girl drunk my drink after I had left the room to go to the loo after i had told her that if she wants more drink, that its in the bedroom.
My drink was knocked over and as usual, i thought- was it me? did i do it? was it my fault?

She had gone to bed.
I was angry and went up to her room and asked her if she had drank it - very calmly.
She was quiet for ages and just stared at me and then said, sorry baby and hugged me. I didn't let her hug me and said its ok- which i shouldn't have said.
and walked downstairs letting out a sigh.

Then i started thinking, that she might have forgotten that i said that because she is drunk-
then i thought- does that mean that the boundary that i put up doesnt count??
I used to do this with X and everyone-
oh well, its ok that they did X,Y, and Z, because they have issues, because because because....!!!

Do I have a right to be angry with her for drinking my drink after I told her that it that it was mine and I told her where she can get more if you want to do it even though she is drunk ??
It wasnt my fault if she did forget, due to her being drunk.

Maybe it sounds silly but I was so angry that i put up a boundary, and it wasnt respected.
I heard, that our fear of asking for what we want and need, is that we still wont get what we ant and need, just as we asked as children and never got it.
This rang a huge bell and is the reason i never ask for anything.
I remember not asking for anything as a kid for this reason- the fear that i would feel powerless if the answer was no.

Stupidly I told the other girl what happened about the drink- the one that abuses her son
She completely ignored what i said and told me she felt ill.
She does this all the time though.
She ignores what you say- just like my self absorbed X friends and starts a completely different topic all about herself.
She doesnt care ab out anything i have to say. No wonder i don't connect with her (not that i want to!)
I was angry and stood right up and said, I'm going to bed.

She then knocked on my door and wanted her key.
She kept apologising for me taking her son up. I said i would only do it this once.
I couldn't pick him up properly and he nearly started crying.
I bumped into a few walls too because of the alcohol and the narrow stair gate.

This girl could have taken her son.
She was doing washing dishes in the kitchen and seemed to be moving around ok.

People apologise for things but I don't think that they really mean them as they just do them again and again.

---
Also, tonight, the new girl kept apologising for something that happened between us when she got here.
We were back at the house, after the b day evening, and she kept saying to me to open the door, but not asking nicely, more, ordering me to do it.
She never gets her keys out saying that she cant be bothered, even if I'm loaded up with loads of bags, like that time she came to town with me and i had to get food shopping.
I just said to her *please!* (which might not have been the right way to ask her to not talk to me like that),
and she said sorry and hugged me.
She said she had her hands full, and i didnt see due to vision impairment, that she was carrying a push chair and stuff.
I explained this to her tonight, because at the time, she didnt know that i can't see very well.
She kept apologising saying that she really suffered because of what i had said-
one of my worst fears is upsetting people too if i put up a boundary.
In the end i was annoyed and just said to her that she is making me feel guilty by saying things like that.
Maybe saying *you make me feel guilty*, i should have said *i don't feel good when you say...*
in response to what i said she said see, I'm a bad person, shall i go and die? and all this stuff.
Im done with her. She's too much hard work for me at the moment, and if she really does feel bad- i get it, but i need to look after myself and my own recovery.
I said that it was my fault that i snapped at her, and explained about the boundary thing, but she could have asked nicer, so i wish i hadn't blamed myself as i always do.

Like me they have issues to and maybe their partners had issues with their issues which of course are not their fault-
but maybe they had issues with things they were saying and doing just as my partner had issues with me being so emotionally unavailable and closed off to affection.

Even though he was invasive and Boundary breaking- I think that I am that way from my childhood and not *just because* of the way he treated me - only he did not help as he was a repeat of both of my parents.

The new girl was also saying things such as, in this room, (my room) you cant cry you have to be happy and saying to the little boy to not cry.
It just makes him cry harder.
She told me to not cry either, that you don't cry in this room
Il do what i like thanks. I said, in my room, its ok to cry.
I believe tears are healthy.

I should not have had a drink with them
I need to get out of here as soon as possible -these people have issues
That is okay that they have issues but I don't want to get involved with them.

Why am I so angry at having my band is invaded ?
Do you guys think that is silly but I got so angry that someone drunk my drink after I had told them not to ?
oh, and ps. she let us have some garlic bread, so maybe I'm going over the top here?
tit for tat as they say.
but she had her own glass and didn't have any garlic bread in the end. AND i let her have a slice of my pizza, and she wanted more but i said this is mine, why don't you put yours in the oven? (as we had all got pizza)

It seems that maybe their boundaries were broken or maybe they were never taught them-
but they are out for themselves to compensate.
I don't want to be like that- i don't like others who are like that.
But i need to put up healthy boundaries.

[Sienna]

i was so angry last night i ended up smashing my glass in the garden.
The other girl came out and started laughing at me. I must of looked funny cleaning it up.
I couldnt see where the glass was, so i was using the brush to help me find it.
So i was going around the garden in rows to not miss any.
It annoyed me a lot, because she never asked if i was ok or offered help. Just stood their laughing like she laughs at everyones pain.
---
Woke up this morning and the girl who is the mother of the son,
and started following me round the kitchen.
She never listens to me, so i didnt want to listen to her.
she was like, touching my shoulder, and walking like she was attached to my hip, getting in my way so that i couldnt walk.
I just wanted to make a cup of tea. AAAHHHH!

Then when i went to have a shower, another lady was in their cleaning my bathroom.
I have always cleaned my own bathroom.
When i got here, the lady at the office gave me cleaning products and a sponge for my own bathroom
It annoyed me as she never cleaned it before, (maybe she's changed to being on bathroom duty now since new girl got here..)
but i needed the loo and a shower, and i couldn't go in.
I opened the door and she was in there cleaning and what did i say?-
*sorry!*
She never said, oh sorry, or explained anything.
She didnt give my door a knock either to let me know she had finished.
Today, i just feel like my personal space is being invaded.
Like i don't have a right to exist on this planet, because everyone wants to invade and squash me.

Im at the coffee shop now, and i just need to be by myself- not with any of them.
I hope I'm not reported for having a drink and that i would need to go to another refuge.
I was the most sensible adult person their last night.
there is always a part of me who is still in controll when I'm drunk.

I don't want anything to do with either of them. I never did.
Now i don't care what they think of me. i mean, i don't think i have anything to worry about gong by the way they acted last night. (not to sound big headed)
Ill keep to my room i think.

Thanks for listening.

[Danaus plexippus]

Wow, that place really is a snake pit! Hope you get out soon and lay off the sauce. It definitely made things worse last night. You need all your wits about you to survive in that place.