Big Trigger warning- (as is this thread- should have put that on the top- only i didnt know things like this would come up)
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I have know one to tell these things to. X wasnt the best person..but he was a person so i felt a little bit on an outlet - the times i did tell him stuff, stuff that was not about *me*.
And you guys are not just *people*- you are the best people to tell.
Made food tonight. Wasnt as afraid of being round one person ...
Whilst eating...the children were playing, and something happened.
Being visually impaired, i couldn't see what happened from the distance i was sat,
but it looked like one kid pushed the other and ran off.
The little one lay on the floor on his back- i hard him hit it hard, and he was crying.
I wasnt sure if it was an explanation he does..where he pretends to cry (still- that is a cry for attention and help and love)...
But then i realised it was real crying.. loud crying.
Knowing that his mother should go and comfort him, I had to wait, to see if she did, I didnt want to take over as this is not my child..and i thought she might go to him.
She didnt and she just laughed.
I didnt cave in to feeling like i had to laugh also, and said...is he ok??
She didnt go to him, so I did, and I reached out my hand to him and gently rubbed his shoulder. Cant remember what i said to him.
Like he usually does, he pushed me away angrily.
I helped him sit up, despite his efforts to get rid of me, and now I'm wondering if what i did was the right thing to do.
I wanted him to know that i understand that he is angry, but that I'm not leaving him.
Its like he is doing what I do and pushing others away, when what i want anyway, is for others to stay regardless of my efforts to shut them out.
Im thinking that, you have to be gentle.
He is angry and pushes my had away or gently slaps it away, so like with us, I'm thinking that it would do more damage to him, to either,
. ignore him and walk away after he has pushed me away,
or... .to be persistent like I'm not leaving him.
He may be in a lot of emotional pain...so I'm thinking that its best to be gentle and not brush away his efforts to push me away.
That may be his defence.
His mother only comforted him after i went to him.
Im guessing, that he was angry that his mum didnt come to him, and angry that in the ned she did, but it was too late. She wasnt here for him when he was crying.
The attachment pattern I'm seeing here is Ambivalent.
He pushes his mother away when she comforts him, and her comfort and attention happens sometimes, and other times not - which is very confusing for a child, and they end up viewing their parent as dangerous, unpredictable, and unsafe. Scary for a child.
And whilst this happened, its like i had no emotion about it.
Then i felt like i was disassociating...but i sometimes feel that way after eating.
When i was little, my sister was left alone to cry at night time,
and i remember her crying a lot when my mum left the room. She was too young to walk.
Mum wouldnt go to comfort her when she got back,
and i hated my sister crying. It was very disturbing to me watching her cry...
so the only thing i could think of to do when I was five was to say her name over and over in a comforting way...trying to distract her and let her know that i was here for her.
My mum came in and said to me that she is crying because she doesnt like it when i say her name over and over.
I think i felt guilty but i cant remember.
I do know however, that after that, i stopped saying her name, and i would just have to watch her cry. There was nothing i could do about it.
Its so weird writing this down and looking at memories that feel like a distant dreams i thought i must have imagined,- for what they really are.
Thanks for listening.