CPTSD in Academia (Triggers: entrapment, abuse, mention of suicidal ideation)

[Siderius]

I thought that my traumas and the abuse that I faced had come in different stages from childhood until the age of about 22, but now I'm starting to wonder if I've been getting worse, not better, because of my work environment, that it has been yet another source of systematic abuse and disempowerment.

I'm nearing the end of my PhD, and am wondering if many people have developed or experienced worsening of their symptoms in university.

My experience of professors abusing students only deepened when I entered grad school. One professor I had even defended his actions by saying that public humiliation was the most effective teaching method he knew. Ususally, however, it's been more subtle than that.

I picked my adviser poorly. She does not appreciate mental health issues, is intensely paternalistic, and interprets any show of weakness as a personal sign of disrespect. I'm chided for not being able to keep my personal life out of my professional life.

Last year I accepted a sessional position to help pay off my student debt and took a leave of absence from my PhD. My adviser was not happy with this. Later she said that she was going to be car pooling with a bunch of students to a conference and asked if I needed a ride. I did, but when I got there she told me that she'd not actually invited anyone else. She said that the three hour drive would give us time to "talk about my life choices." Suffice it to say, this was rather triggering, worse, because I knew I could not express my discomfort for fear of being "unprofessional." 

I also worked with her as a TA.  She's been changing how I marked, both up and down with every assignment, all year. This is the first time in my twelve years as a TA that this has happened. Then in the exam marking meeting she said that she'd be marking with "0.2 and 0.8"s of a grade as well as 0.5 and whole marks "because she was careful" (unlike the rest of us with our crude 0.5s?).

Another TA asked me what I would give as a grade out of 5 for a short answer on a question. She'd given it a 4. I said I'd give it a 2.5 or 3 and gave my reasons. Then the TA asked my adviser, and my adviser said that she'd give it a 3.5, and wanted to go around the room asking everyone what mark they'd give it.

I hesitated too long and she singled me out, didn't address my reasoning and said that my students were probably doing so badly because I was marking them too hard (I had to regrade all my batch of exams).

She then read another question and went around the room to confirm that all the TAs would give it the exact same mark as her... Saying "3.5" without thinking about it has never felt like such a defeat. After another unfortunate series of events that day I ended up getting what I can only describe as anxiety induced vertigo. I could hardly stand.

I'm so close to being done, but going over my adviser's final round of comments on my dissertation actually feels physically painful, like they're not about education, they're about control (the other members of my committee have said that they'd be willing to sign off on my dissertation, saying I'm ready to defend now). I've been having some fairly major mood swings, emotional numbness, suicidal ideation, and sleep disturbances. I have to be done by the end of May. I think I can do this, but I know it will hurt me.

I don't want to be a scholar anymore. I didn't work this hard to impoverish the children of immigrants and the poor, or to trust up the systematic abuse of an entire generation.

I've been training for this my whole life and now that I'm nearing the end I can only think of my profession as being inherently abusive in the current university system.

I would like to thank everyone in advance who reads this for their time and reflections.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Siderius    and welcome to Out of the Storm.

My cPTSD got seriously triggered when in Academia, but in a different way than you experienced. I won't go into that now, as it's hardly relevant to your post.

One professor I had even defended his actions by saying that public humiliation was the most effective teaching method he knew.

That's horribly sadistic, and a very bad method IMHO.

I did, but when I got there she told me that she'd not actually invited anyone else. She said that the three hour drive would give us time to "talk about my life choices." Suffice it to say, this was rather triggering, worse, because I knew I could not express my discomfort for fear of being "unprofessional." 

What a trap she set up for you. 

I'm so close to being done, but going over my adviser's final round of comments on my dissertation actually feels physically painful, like they're not about education, they're about control (the other members of my committee have said that they'd be willing to sign off on my dissertation, saying I'm ready to defend now). I've been having some fairly major mood swings, emotional numbness, suicidal ideation, and sleep disturbances. I have to be done by the end of May. I think I can do this, but I know it will hurt me.

I've been training for this my whole life and now that I'm nearing the end I can only think of my profession as being inherently abusive in the current university system.

I understand your hurt, and I wish you all the best for this last stretch. I really do hope you'll make it, regardless of the horrible behavior of your advisor.
I hope you can take comfort in the opinion of the other committee members, and find strength in their approval of your dissertation. Please do not let this primary advisor sabotage your efforts at the last moment. The best 'revenge' you can take on her poor 'teaching skills' is to make it, and get your degree! You are virtually there already. 

As for your further career: see what you want after you're done. With a PhD and a fine education there will be plenty of options, in academia or elsewhere.

Good luck and don't let this woman or the abusive Prof rob you of all the good work you've done so far. 
You got this covered! 

[Kizzie]

Unfortunately there are people who abuse power in all professions, but I am profoundly sorry to hear she has soured you on academia and has made this last step for you so painful and soul crushing. 

Are you willing to take this to the Chair or Dean? That kind of behaviour should not be tolerated under any circumstances in any context, you do or should have rights in this regard and there should be a clear process laid out. 

It's something you have been working for your whole life so don't let one person take it away from you.   

[Siderius]

Hey Doctor Uncle, Hey Kizzie,

Many thanks for the welcome. Aye, I likely should have introduced myself first, but did the classic write-and-delete, and didn't want to come forward without something specific to talk about... (I'll properly introduce myself soon *nods*)

Also, been lurking the site for a bit, and the emotional labour you moderators do here is amazing, and likely also exhausting, but it is also very much appreciated. Thank you for making this space possible.

I do think I can get this dissertation done, taking that leave of absence meant that my funding stretches out till the end of the summer, but there's a visceral, bodily, response to my adviser that's still been hard to manage.

The Graduate Program Director (GDP) is on my side. She actually started a conversation about mental health with me because of my Facebook posts. I've told her everything, but we've not really _done_ anything about it per se. I'm so close to being done now, and the social and political fallout from confronting my adviser right now might scuttle things.

Regarding my larger prospects as a scholar, I'm afraid that it does feel larger than just my adviser. I still really like teaching and research, but I feel like I've seen too much.

As a poor kid coming to academia because of its ideals of being a meritocracy dedicated to learning and the sharing of knowledge in a community of learners, I feel like I was painfully naive and unprepared.

Many of my colleagues have mental health issues, but stress that no one should really be talking about them, and certainly never put them in writing, that would be unprofessional. I've been told that social support networks don't matter because you can always make friends wherever you have to go for your career.

I've already seen how universities let students from private schools in when they know they've cheated in order to maintain good relations with these elite "feeder schools," how they don't actually try to deal with plagiarism when papers are bought because it's wealthier students who tend to do that. They only focus on the blatant cases (generally committed by immigrants and the poor) to insure the perceived "value" of their degrees. I've seen the fallout when upper level administration embezzle hundreds of thousands of dollars from the school, get a "quiet retirement package" for their troubles, and then how the costs of their crimes are directly put back onto students. I've seen how schools cynically let in far more students than they know can graduate because they're confident that they'll just fail them out by the end of their second years or so and can still benefit from those first few years of tuition.

It feels like institutionalized gas lighting and abuse. Academia in general feels that way to me now.

But yeh, sorry for the rant. I care about a lot of things and a lot of things hurt and seem systematically broken.

[Kizzie]

By all means rant away Siderous, it may help to get through that last bit.   Glad to hear that the Grad Dir is onside, at least you have some validation there.

[Dutch Uncle]

Doctor Uncle

Not quite, Siderius.
I never got around to writing my thesis in both my ventures in Academia.

I never got as close as to finishing as you though, let alone a PhD.

I just have a highschool diploma. 

[Siderius]

... wow, yeh, I've definitely got academia on the brain XD. Sorry 'bout that.

[radical]

Just wanted to say that I've heard many horror stories about PhD supervisor relationships.  I don't remember hearing anyone talking about having a good experience, but that might be selective memory.

A friend complained about problems her supervisor and had a second supervisor appointed and all three ended up in mediation with each other!   

It sounds like you are a sensitive, highly ethical, socially aware person.  Universities are often (maybe usually) harsh, ridiculously competitive, hypocritical places.  You must have great strength to have survived to this point with your integrity intact.  You are nearly over this obstacle. 

Take care.