Chapter five from Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon

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Kizzie

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Oh dear No More Fear, I  1-1/2 packs per day until 1991 and truly doubted I would even give it up.  When I did, honestly I went hour by hour for what seemed like forever so making it a few weeks is awesome.   :cheer:   I have heard it takes about 5 or 6 tries to shake it completely so I'm rooting for you  :hug: 

How are you finding the other forum Dutch?  It's a relief I'm sure to be able to talk openly about autism and the role it played in your life.  Some of here get it, but there everyone would. 

Welcome Chairmanmeow, glad you've decided to join us.  I hear what you're saying about viewing "breaking down" as something terrible, frightening and yet it seems that we must break down the walls that hold that trauma at bay to recover.  Scary stuff and I'm certainly down with that part of me that put those survival strategies in place until such time as I could see and do what needed to be done.  :thumbup:  No "ripping the bandaid off' though, some gentle coaxing instead to try and understand and wean off dissociating and I find I am faring better. 

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Dutch Uncle

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How are you finding the other forum Dutch?  It's a relief I'm sure to be able to talk openly about autism and the role it played in your life.  Some of here get it, but there everyone would. 
It's good. A bit small (smaller than this) and new (newer than this), but it's in Dutch. It's the first ever forum I joined in Dutch, and it's amazing how much easier it is. I'm pretty confident in English, but it's only when I actually now write in Dutch I experience that it does take just that bit less effort to make a noticeable difference.
And yes, it's pleasant to have a forum where autism is the main subject. It saves explaining and/or elaborating. 'half a word' is often enough.
Thank you for asking.  :hug:

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meursault

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Hi everyone!

I just got this book a couple of days ago, and am going to play catch-up over the next few days, but I hope I'm welcome to join in here.  My therapist recommended the book as she sees a lot of dissociation.  It's weird, I started it last night and thought I'd see if I could start a book group somewhere about it.  I've lurked here for quite a while, and lo and behold, someone beat me to it!

Meursault

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Dutch Uncle

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Kizzie

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Welcome Meursault :heythere:   Glad to have you join in and not to worry about catching up, we've all found we have to take it slowly.

Dutch - I don't want to take this thread sideways but I am really curious if anyone in the autism forum knows/talks about CPTSD? 

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Dutch Uncle

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Dutch - I don't want to take this thread sideways but I am really curious if anyone in the autism forum knows/talks about CPTSD?
Not specifically, but EMDR has been mentioned.
I'd say overall that very similar 'issues' have been experienced and shared on the forum as we do here and over @ OOTF .
The Cassandra Syndrome seems to be a big common denominator among the three communities, I'd say.  ;)

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meursault

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Just reading chapter 5 right now.  Something that I've thought about a bunch before kind of cropped up about "phobia of inner experience".  I've been more aware of it recently, because I've switched to a new therapist a few months ago and am trying to build my trust with her.

It's like all my difficulties are just a subtle shift away from changing.  I once described it as I'm like a locomotive that's running half off the tracks.  If I slide one way too much, one set of wheels are dragging through the mud and one set are on the "Wrong" rail.  Bad relationships, addiction, etc. fit with this.  Occasionally, I've completely lost it and been completely "off the rails".  But then when I try to get my train back on the tracks and running right, there is at first an initial disruption of the one set of wheels falling off the track, then the agony and anxiety as one set runs in the mud and another rattles crazily on the ties, then as it gets close to the ideal position, both sets bounce wildly over ties.  It becomes to huge and unbearable, and I can never find the strength to face the pain of the last little shift, and get properly on the rails.

That wasn't what I was going to write, actually.  Don't know why I did.  It's like it's so close and obvious how to get better, but I just can't do it.  It's like there is this ultra-powerful Wall of Terror, like a sheet of lightning.  To get better, I somehow have to just let go, trust, and not be afraid and step through it.  The me on the other side is the healthy me.  But the wall is so powerful and annihilating, my brain just shuts off and I dissociate, or use other defenses, so I can't even think about it.  The terror is so overwhelming, how can I find the emotional balance to truly trust, have faith, peace, acceptance etc. especially when avoidance is so automatic?  As easy as "just let go", but when every part of me screams in terror of annihilation and pain.  I don't know, it's bigger and more primal, and more visceral than the more mundane things like "fear", "anger", or "shame".

I don't know, does any of that ring true for other people?  I think I was starting to face that with my last therapist, finding the start of a pretty deep and meaningful attachment to her.  Then it all went to *.

Meursault

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woodsgnome

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Meursault asked if anyone else here relates to being 'on/off' the tracks. It's very characteristic of what I experience. It seems as though, per what Meursault says:  "It's like all my difficulties are just a subtle shift away from changing." And then...off the tracks once more.

Maybe it's supposed to be that way, to a degree. Those solid destination points frustrate the journey, so maybe it's best to take it in stride and cruise; except in my case, anyway, the break is so nice I relax into a luxuriant comfort space and coast. When I come back and check, thought, I find the train is totally dislodged...again.

Presently I'm in another mindset where I can dare once more to look towards changing, at least in acknowledging that yup, it'd be nice to change; and there's the trap, once more--it's tempting to set another destination point, and if that's too solid it can induce a notion of failure if one doesn't get there in the prescribed way in which I assumed it should happen. Which is why I've backed away from specific goals--the 'shoulds'- and view them more as guidelines allowing me to change, but open to whatever direction that might lead.

I have the Boon book and was working with it here, but was 'derailed' a while back. Meanwhile I've also started with a new therapist and we're working with Walker so I guess we have a book club of 2; that's my current direction in getting back on the tracks, I guess.

Meursault also added, "That wasn't what I was going to write, actually.  Don't know why I did.  It's like it's so close and obvious how to get better, but I just can't do it.  It's like there is this ultra-powerful Wall of Terror, like a sheet of lightning.  To get better, I somehow have to just let go, trust, and not be afraid and step through it."

Sometimes the best observations stem from 'unintended' vantage points, a natural flow that's resistant when one identifies with the goal and sets up specific expectations. But that 'Wall of Terror' still looms; it's frightening to behold, mainly because of all the disappointments previously encountered.

Sorry if I'm out of step here, as I haven't been here in a bit, but Meursault's comments were so familiar that my own muse was drawn in, and resulted in this peek over the Wall, as it were. Still, as Meursault puts it: "every part of me screams in terror of annihilation and pain." May we all find some means to step in the new direction, on or off the tracks.

 

« Last Edit: June 22, 2016, 04:03:22 PM by woodsgnome »

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Kizzie

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As easy as "just let go", but when every part of me screams in terror of annihilation and pain.  I don't know, it's bigger and more primal, and more visceral than the more mundane things like "fear", "anger", or "shame".

I didn't get this until one time when I was working with a T on non-dominant hand writing exercise to bring out my Inner Child and she actually stepped fully  into view for the first time I can remember.  That's when I first (re)experienced her feelings and what an utter shock to see how primal they were.  And then it made complete sense why it was just not easy to let go.  I saw then I had been  seeing things from an adult perspective, that I had forgotten what child me felt and for very good reason.

I am much happier now that I know what she feels to take recovery slowly, dip my toe into that morass and then lift out, a bit at a time. 

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no_more_fear

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Hi everyone,  :heythere:

Sorry I've been away for a while. It's great to see more people here. Just wanted to let you all know that I'll post chapter 6 next week, hopefully the start of next week. Oh and Kizzie, thanks for rooting for me in regards to the nicotine. I'm nearly at 3 weeks! :cheer: Here's hoping it lasts this time.

Talk to you all again soon.

nmf  :hug:

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meursault

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Good going about the smoking!  I was 2 packs a day from my teens until a year and a half ago.  I "vape", but I consider that I've quit.  The thing that helped me the most was just identifying myself in my mind as a non-smoker.

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no_more_fear

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Good going about the smoking!  I was 2 packs a day from my teens until a year and a half ago.  I "vape", but I consider that I've quit.  The thing that helped me the most was just identifying myself in my mind as a non-smoker.

Thanks for the advise, meursault. What I'm finding really great about quitting is that the reality inside my head now matches the one outside my head to a greater extent, if you see what I mean? Before, I told myself that cigarettes weren't harming me and were the source of my strength. Even while I told myself that I knew it was rubbish, but a part of me still believed it. Now that my internal and external world are beginning to match, prehaps I can make leaps in other areas of my recovery, or at least strides.

Just to let you all know that I'm currently typing up chapter six and will have it posted in a few days. I'm sorry about the delay; I was in a bad pace for a few months, but am starting to see the light again.