Are these Red Flags????

Started by Sienna, May 18, 2016, 09:02:14 AM

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Sienna


Sienna

Oh my gosh guys, Im so upset.
Lizzie, thank you so much for the links.
The Pete Walker article- surprise suprise- explained everything i was experiencing - *everything*.
Im so sad. But thank you Lizzie.
I need to hear this even if i dont like it.

She IS a blank screen type therapist and i was unsure, because sometimes she DOES empathise, like how Pete Walker said. And sometimes she doesnt.
Once she told me she was angry about what my parents did, and angry about partner.
But she didnt *seem* angry- and i wondered if she actually was- and i questioned her on this - asking her how she could feel angry when I'm just another client.

And sometimes, she will tell me what she thinks intellectually about my pain- about where its comming from- and thats good- i want to know-
but she doesnt empathise.
ie. i was crying about the little one where I'm living being neglected and calling out for his mother, and his crying...
and she said that maybe that reminds me of younger me because that might have happened to me.
I cried then and held in my tears.
She didnt empathise or say, that it sounds difficult or it must be hard for me..or its very sad...
though its confusing - as she does say things like this sometimes.

The article said that they can mirror the passive neglectful father- and my dad was that and i think i wrote up at the top- that she does remind me of my emotionally neglectful dad.

When i berate myself and say I'm stupid or what I'm saying is stupid, she never corrects me or asks why, and she does NOT explore it with me.
God if i could count the number of times i got back home and said to partner about how she never explored what i just said. She never picked it up as a red flag.

And about triggering a sense of shame and abandonment- yes yes and yes. *This* is how i feel IN SESSIONS and AFTER sessions, and i am wracked with guilt and self loathing - feeling I talked too much, and i often wonder what she thinks of what i said- of me- and i wonder how much she understands.

I feel i want to change her way of relating to me- i dont want to leave her, i cant leave her.
She is the only stable person i have ,and in a way, i do love her in my own way.
And i know that even if its not her fault she is this way with me-
i have to do whats best for me. Why do i feel a compulsion to just change the relationship = like i did with my narc X?? to fix the past??

Im just not sure i can with everything thats happened and all the losses ive had over my lifetime and recently.
I just cant go through another loss. I know it might not hurt as I'm very good at disassociating, but i just cant do it.

i found the woman on the phone about the refuge more understanding and empathic than T , and i find you guys on the forum more empathic than my T.

I dont know what to do. Im just so disappointed. And if i talk to her about this- which i will tomorrow, i dont know if she will change.  :'(

Kizzie

#17
Sienna, do you feel strong/safe enough to be able to tell her what you need from her?  If you do, Pete Walker's article on relational healing might be useful to take to her and discuss - I think that's what you're looking for from her if I'm not mistaken.  http://pete-walker.com/pdf/relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf.  I know you are very afraid to lose her right now and I understand that feeling completely so I'm not saying you should do it, maybe just mull it over.  :hug:

Sienna

Hey Kizzie,
I don't think I can tell her what I need from her...as it might look needy and I have issues with needing things.  :(
But I can talk to her about my concerns.
I'm just worried I'll upset her or make her feel incompetent or not good enough and I'm also worried she'll enjoy my pain or unhappiness and they she'll play me like s narcissist.

I hope I can do it. I know I'll probably get testy and slander myself for even wanting to bring this up once I get into the room. It's just what I do for fear of her thinking it's stupid and not worth discussing.

They was long! Thank you for the article. I was worried that if I give it to her she will be offended and that she might say she can't do therapy with me anymore. If she does do the things from the article,  worried it would be coming from s fake place- as she doesn't seem right now, to see good reason to do these things otherwise she would of, ....wouldn't she?
Thanks for your understanding Kizzie  :hug:
« Last Edit: Today at 12:56:06 PM by Kizzie »

Sienna

Auto correct- agh - not testy how embarrassing- I meant teary

Danaus plexippus

Dear Sienna,

Excuse this off topic comment. I still have trouble navigating the virtual world. Flash was the member who first introduced me to the concept of Velcro butt.

Sincerely,
Danaus plexippus

Kizzie

I understand completely Sienna  :yes: and   :hug:

Sienna

Hey guys, I really need sone help - if you don't mond ...

Went to therapy appointment today.
We talked for a bit about how things have been going.
There was a silence, so I said that I should probably just talk.
I told her I had a list of a few different things to talk about, one being about "us"- as she asked me what things I had to talk about.

I talked about current triggers where I'm loving, and sbout my dad who came down to visit.

At the end, she asked what I wanted to talk to her about - regarding us.

I said it's weird now - because you have responded to what I said just fine.
I explained about reading about blank screen therapists,
Lack of empathy,
Not sure she understands me..
Leave feeling that something was missing- in the same way they I feel that with my dad.
Told her it light just be me thinking weirdly
That everyone's different-
That I'm worried she may go these things but that she won't want to-
Just like nark X partner who I had to teach to show empathy and he said there's no point and he only did it because I wanted hin too.

Im writing how I said it to get a lot more bluntly on here than how I actually said it to her.
She asked for examples
I said that when u said "what does it matter what people think" instead of empathising or showing she understood how I felt or where I was coming from .
I said to her that she might have been challenging me.

I said they when you said you felt angry with my patents and partner- I questioned if she really meant it-
Because she didn't seem angry.

Red flag-
She said "what do you want me to do? Make a big show about it?"
And I just sat there and said "no."
Abs she just kept quiet and just kept looking st me.
I'm not sure if I sensed enjoyment out of her being like this.

She just said she does feel angry...
That she doesn't want to speak unless I have a realisation it something else to say cos she doesn't want it to disappear if I do have more to say.
(Afterwards she doesn't always empathise etc after I've finished speaking and she sometimes lets there be silence so..if I've finished on they particular subject- I move on to another if it gets too awkward with get not commenting on what I just said.

Gave her the article.
I told her so many times about how I don't want to upset get, make her self conscious with her next client / clients,
Didn't want to hurt get feeling and that I don't want to leave.

Her saying "what do you want"-
Well I don't know because this stuff is so subtle and I've never received proper parenting so I don't know what is normal or what I should want- or do want.
Huge trigger as my mum use to day if we were bored -
"What do you want- me to throw you a carnival?!!"

I just felt ashamed and guilty and I froze right then and there when she said that and my mind bruised what she said away and thanked get as usual and was as sweet as pie. I even didn't want to leave. It was like that moment never happened in my brain until I remembered on my way home after the session.

It's a though she is saying that what I wanted was u reasonable
I should have never brought this up "with her" Abd I get do upset.

What do you guys think?
Id really like to know- it would be much appreciated.
If I feel this bad- is it just a flashback or due to the president?

Ps she was great on session today. Was that because she wanted to confuse me or throw me off guard with get last comment?


Sienna

Omg- I can not write on mummy price. I miss Internet!! Hope you can make sone sense out of what I've written.

Kizzie

Sienna, I think the article is so well written and heartfelt that she cannot possibly miss the fact that you need her to be more human. IMO it isn't too much to ask from your end, that is what you need and want afterall, the things you didn't get as a kid and deserved.  Feeling some of that now is part of what helps us to process the trauma - I really think Walker is right about that.

It may, however, not be something she is comfortable with so you'll have to see what she makes of it.   I think it's very brave that you did give it to her, to ask for what you want and need.  That's you looking out for you and deep inside younger you has to know that you are really trying to be there for her.  :thumbup:

If she's not comfortable being more relational, then perhaps she can work with you while seeing if she has a colleague in the area who does use a relational approach.   

Sienna

Hey Kozzie,
Thank you so much. And thank you for sending me the article- you have helped a lot and thank you for suggesting that I give her the article to read.

I see what you are saying about the article not offending get, and I hope you are right.

IMO it isn't too much to ask from your end, that is what you need and want afterall, the things you didn't get as a kid and deserved
Thanks for your reasurance.

yes, I agree with Walker about feeling things like this is processing trauma. I'm just worried I'm not processing because I'm sure I'm still blocked to my feelings but maybe I'm processing as much as I can at the moment.

I never even thought of this. So thanks 😊
That's you looking out for you and deep inside younger you has to know that you are really trying to be there for her.  :thumbup:

And also thank you for your suggestion about her still working with mr whilst finding a relational therapist.
Do you mean that I see two Ts?
Or keep seeing T whilst I look for someone else?

If her comment pops into my head...I'm so ashamed again. Don't want get to think I want a fuss making of me or that I'm attention seeking. That's what the narc lady said.
Can't this lulu enough again for your help and support Kizzie  :hug:

Sienna

Just catching up now have laptop internet.
I understand completely Sienna  :yes: and   :hug:
Thank you. Its so great that you understand.  :hug:

Sienna

Just catching up...
Danaus-  I dont know Flash.  Is velcro but a technological term? or do you mean you are trying to figure out how to use the forum?
Your message made me chuckle.
Danes plexippus- did you know your name meant this? -
danaus plexippus - Dictionary definition and meaning for word danaus plexippus. (noun) large migratory American butterfly having deep orange wings with black and white markings; the larvae feed on milkweed. (sounds very nice  :yes:)
I thought Plexippus meant that you are perplexed!  :stars: made me laugh.

sanmagic7

to tell you the truth, it's difficult to be able to tell why this therapeutic experience seems so topsy-turvy to you.  again, i don't think it's you, but what is this therapist doing that makes it seem that way for you?  is she going back and forth between behaviors, some of them welcoming, some of them distancing?  and, yawning (unless she immediately apologized because she was up all night or something) in a session seems just rude to me.  i'm not surprised you have a soft spot for her - she may be reminding you of someone in your life, or a relationship you've had with someone else.   like i said, i understand difficult sessions, but with a competent therapist i never took it personally, never doubted my 'self', as it were.  those times were simply fraught with emotion, painful memories and the like.   and the therapist would reassure me that i was working hard, that getting to the bottom of this stuff is difficult, even painful, at times, but that i could give myself credit for sticking with it, for going through it, or for being courageous enough to even look at the issues.   there may be something here to think about for you, something that might ring true.  or maybe not.  just my thoughts.  i know you're struggling with this, and i also know you'll do what's best for you, whether it be staying or leaving.  it's your journey.   take care of you first, always.

Sienna

Hey guys, and Kizxie,
I just wanted to fill you in.
I had a session wotj T today.
Anxious bygone hand because of her comment last session and also because of the Pete walker paper I gave her.

She was do great today.
I thought this might happen and the paranoid part of me wonders if it's a tactic she is doing (if she is bad) to confide me...
But I will see how it goes.

She asked about what it was from the article I related to and she said that if I feel she isn't saying enough or if I think she doesn't I understand or empathise, I should ask her, which we talked about -so she knows that's hard for me to do.
She was more comforting today when I cried and everything- she was validating, understanding, she made me feel they my needs etc Snd feelings were valid and understandable.
She spotted my Shane and was just so reassuring.
She did day "stop spologiding" when I apologised for crying but she said lots of other comforting things.
I felt heard and seen by her.
She was so nice about the article and understood as the article said, that I want to feel and be heard.

She was just very reassuring so I didn't feel sepetate, stranded and alone.
She is like this sometimes, just other times not.
But I think I notice more of a difference today.
I text get to thank her and said again that I hope get confidence hadn't been knocked.
She had read my text but hadn't replied. She sometimes doesn't and I don't text after every session but I don't know why she hadn't got back to me.
Doesn't she know they I'm left wondering of I've upset her?  Could be any reason she hadn't replied so I'm trying to not get too carried away with myself in worried and negative thoughts.
She may get back to me tomorrow.
It just makes me feel they old familiar feeling of disappointment and they she can't care about me in the est that I want get too,

Kizzie, I can't thank you enough for sending me third links. You have been s life saver.  :hug:
Ps thank you everyone else so much for your comments  I'm not yet done with the support this thread has offered.