That's not so bad, right? Wife2's journey to understanding - and yes - triggers

[Wife#2]

I had to go NC with my mother for a couple of years, her behavior towards me and my family got that bad. We'd let her get in the habit of using us for everything from paying bills to emptying kitty litter (long, long story). We bent over backwards helping her after her heart attack. I was shaken almost as bad as her, realizing she was just a few years older than my grandmother when SHE died of a massive heart attack. So, heart pain I take seriously. It was the sure-fire way to get me there. Telling me she was frustrated over her inability to handle the infestation would have got sympathy but no visit.

All of Mom's children are tenderhearted. We want to make things better whenever we can. We hate seeing anyone in pain, especially a relative, absolutely our mother! And I'm the only one living in town with her. So, the others look to me to be there for her. Since they haven't lived with her after reaching adulthood and haven't even been in the same state, they don't know what they're asking.

Mom is uBPD and I was beginning to doubt that after the great behavior lately. But, Monday proved it all over again. She wanted a hug and sympathy and she had to have it on HER terms. When I didn't bend and leave work (THAT's why the chest pains), I had to promise to come over immediately after. OK, I didn't have to - that was a choice. And my consequences stank. Which is why I will be setting a NEW boundary with her. If she's seeing her doctor the next day, she needs to discuss the panic attack with him and see what HE can do to help her. I am no doctor. I will NOT be going to her apartment again. If she wants to meet, it will be in a neutral place like the park. NO OPTIONS.

If she calls me thinking she's having a heart attack, I will hang up on her and call an ambulance for her. If she's sad or stressed, I'll talk on the phone. The other siblings don't deal with this stuff like I have to. They have no right to expect more of me than they are doing.

[sanmagic7]

warrior woman spirit is flowing right off the page!  go for it!!!

[Wife#2]

  I always feel strongest when I see truth for truth. I'm best with defending my boundaries with Mom. I'm also pretty skilled at refusing to accept the guilt attempts by my siblings.

The worst I feel about this whole thing is disappointment at missing the children in their costumes. My daughter realized I would and took good pictures, so that's not as bad as it could have been.

Next is the feeling of being manipulated and allowing it to happen. H has helped, especially after I explained that it was HIS caring tone that worried me enough about her to walk into that trap. I wasn't laying it at his feet, just explaining that I believed it to be a REAL emergency because of his tone. He gave me the sympathy I needed after that. We both recognized that she should be told to call for emergency services if she calls like that again. At most, we can offer to call them for her, but it would be best, since she's proven she can dial by calling us, for her to make that call.

I'm going to end this post, but there will be another post about another subject. TOO MUCH STRESS LATELY!

[Wife#2]

So, the other subject: Our oldest dog & my husband.  *** TRIGGER ALERTS, DEATH , MOURNING AND BLAME ***

H has been trying very hard lately to be kinder, more considerate and less volatile. It's been working. I've been ready to celebrate. What happened last night had nothing to do with anger, unless you count the simmering anger I feel right now.

Two years ago yesterday, H & I took his faithful, loyal dog to the vet. While there, she had a heart attack and died. H hasn't been fully over it yet. To each their own and I've given him room to mourn. She was a wonderful dog. I miss her, still, as well.

Last year, our handicapped dog had to be put down. Her organs were beginning to shut down. It was the only merciful thing to do. H opted out, declaring himself unable to deal with it. The decision, the timing, the bringing of the dog to the shelter (only place that didn't charge $200+ for the service). That fell to me and DD. It was put on DD because H wouldn't deal and wouldn't help me. The dog had belonged to DD, but she'd been away from home for years and it had become OUR dog. DD and I spent over an hour at the shelter, filing out paperwork, saying our goodbyes to this wonderful dog.

When I got home, I was expected to comfort H, DD and DS. I was a wreck personally because that brought back memories of having to have my poor little dog put down about 6 years earlier. That didn't seem to matter. H had 'checked out' emotionally, only HIS pain and HIS sad memories and HIS hurting heart seemed to matter. If I brought up how I was feeling, it sounded as if I was trying to compete for sympathy.

At least DD & DS hugged me. DS and I dried each others' tears. We shared a tender moment talking about that dog and how she was in heaven now. If H even heard us, he got agitated, telling us to stop. So, we shared our mourning with each other, out of hearing of H.

With all the improvements H has made over the past year, last night nearly undid all of it. I was left being the one to handle it. Again. And, for the sake of the family and the dog, I will. I HATE this! When will I ever be allowed to MOURN normally?

The EF goes like this:

Heart-Mom sister dies, I'm left taking care of real Mom as she disintegrates. Finally, with counseling, break free of that, mourn at last (over a year later).

Then, years later Heart-Dad brother dies. Again, because he'd moved to her apartment in his last two months, all grieving and mourning and recognized pain is hers. I'm expected to stiff-upper-lip the whole thing. Back to counseling went I.

THEN, challenged sister dies. This time, I recognize that I wasn't as close to her, so my mourning is different than everyone elses. OK. That's fine, but I do at least GET to mourn, right? Nope, back to taking care of Mom and her pain.

My little dog is carried to the pound and euthanized. I'm totally brokenhearted. DD is with me, has to drive me home. We get back and H acts like it's nothing, it's just a dog, I shouldn't be carrying on so. NO mourning allowed.

H's dog dies at the vet. The vet is blamed. Somehow, I think I also get blamed for telling H to TAKE the dog to the vet. I try to talk H out of seeing his dog dead on the gurney, he wants to. He and I are both stuck with that image forever. She was HIS dog, though, so my mourning doesn't matter.

DD's dog is carried to the pound and euthanized. Again, it's DD and me. H opts out. He can't cope. DD is a wreck because it was her dog. I'm a wreck because I loved this dog even after DD moved out. She was my buddy after my dog died. I did everything I could to help her have as long a life as possible. But, H's pain is worse than anyones because its the same month as his dog died the year before.

Now, here we are. Litter mate to DD's dog, it's DS24's dog. He doesn't act like it, does nothing for the dog, won't even feed her - we do all that. She needs special attention for her eyes and her skin. I do that frequently, H does it sometimes, DS24 does it once or twice. H does take good care of the dog, and seems close to her at times, but others acts like she's just a pain in his rump. Last night - 2nd anniversary of HIS dog's death, this one has a seizure. It's a bad one. She's had a few before, but the vet couldn't give us any insight, just that more are likely. Last night, the seizure was bad enough to scare us and the dog. She lost control of bowels and stomach for hours. She had after-seizures that knocked her off her feet twice. We thought we were going to lose her. We call DS24 back from his evening out.

H is crying, saying he can't handle it. DS24 is saying things like, 'Why are you trying to put this on me? I can't do ANYTHING.' When, clearly he can, he just doesn't want to. Both men play a hot-potato game of I'm not going to do this and you can't make me. Meanwhile, the dog is shaking and having mini-seizures and I'm tending to her, petting her and trying to comfort her.

And at last I get it. I am the one who is going to have to stiff-upper-lip this and get it done for the sake of the dog. If she gets better, hurray - she's done this before. If she doesn't, I'm going to have to be the one to take her to the pound or vet, sign her over (funny, my name keeps being put on these forms - wonder what these folks think of me, since only DD is seen with me but I'm always on the forms) and drive myself home crying. Again.

And we have two more dogs! If this one makes it, three dogs. Either way, I'm going to be the one to handle it always. The men in my family cannot or will not. It doesn't even matter, the result is the same. And I'm not going to let a dog suffer unreasonably because these men want to point fingers at each other saying - YOUR JOB.

So, once again, my mourning, my sadness, my heart-pain at having to go through this again is just too much. But, that isn't allowed to matter. Again.

The whole situation stinks. I'm not THAT strong! But, that won't get the hard thing done, so I'll just have to be that strong at least until after it's done. Then, I can collapse. Then, maybe I can get a little mourning in - where the men won't notice. I'm going to miss this dog. She's been in my heart 12 years. She was my high-strung companion. Thank God that my DS8 will allow me to feel my pain and to comfort him in HIS pain. With both of us, we can get through this. Again.

[sanmagic7]

dear wife2, my heart is with you.  hand on your arm, and then a big hug.  there are no words.  i've lost too many animals, and it's heartbreaking every single time.  i've been lucky to have support and the means to grieve, and i can't tell you how bad i feel for you that you don't.  i wish i could do more.

[Three Roses]

This job has also fallen on me, in our family in the past. You should be able to have the support YOU need, too!  It is difficult to care for the animal and then have to take care of everyone else's feelings on top of that. If your family isn't able to support you the way you need, I hope you can turn to a friend or someone at the vet's for emotional support. 

[Wife#2]

Thank you, ladies!

The best news is that our old girl is feeling better. She's up, moving, eating, drinking and no more tremors or seizures. I can't tell you all how relieved I am. Yes, that just means that, at 12, she's going to be with us a while longer. But, now I know and can prepare for the fact that the grown men in the family will not participate when the hard time does come.

For now, I'm thanking God that He spared her for now. Maybe I can calm down and begin to do a little preparatory self-care.

           Hugs to both of you for the support you offer. It matters a lot. It helps a lot. I can bear so much more knowing some folks out there DO care. Thank you both!!!

[sanmagic7]

YAY!!!  glad she's feeling better.

and as for the rest, right back atcha!

[Wife#2]

One funny side note: Our 12yo dog is much, much better. Almost back to her old self again. Next oldest, though, has become hysterical to watch. She's a beagle and very protective of her pack. Since the night of the seizures, younger one has been at the side of older one - grooming her, protecting her, grooming her, did I mention grooming her?

Every time older one gets up to get water, food, a breathing space (you can tell in her eyes that she's trying to be patient, but that's getting thin), here comes younger one. Younger one has even taken to herding older one, trying to stay in control of where older one goes! She stands between older one and ANYBODY and has to be called down away from older one when she's practically smothering older one.

We're being very patient with younger one. This is the only way she knows to show how much she loves her pack-mate. For her sake as much as for all the humans, I'm extremely glad older one is better now. We're just trying to figure out how long younger one is going to keep this up! It's a really sweet thing, but we have to laugh sometimes (putting younger one outside so older one can eat in peace!) because we can see the exasperation in the eyes of older one - as if to say, 'Thanks, friend, but may I BREATHE now? I'm fine! Back off, please!'

Youngest dog doesn't know what to make of all this. So, she just hangs with the humans and gets lots of petting attention. She's happy as a lark, albeit confused by the other dog's behavior.

[sanmagic7]

gotta love them animals!

[Wife#2]

I need to get this out before I try to go home and be a good wife and mother. *** Triggers, sexual relationship, subtle emotional abuse ***

To help a friend on another board, I relived the story of an ex uNPD boyfriend. I hate going back there. I hope it helped my friend to see that you can survive, but I'm stuck in a lot of the bad feelings from that time in my life. And it was NOT a good time in my life.

I don't know that I'll get anything done. I really don't. And there is so much work I need to get done! But, I'm back to 20 years ago, having already low self-esteem and getting mixed up with that boyfriend. I'll call him Norm for this post. Anyway, I need to excise all these emotions and process or I'll never be present with the family tonight. I owe them this effort.

So, Norm came into my life when I was excruciatingly vulnerable. He was in a position of some power, requiring international travel in his job. I was hired as a temp receptionist in a different division of the same company. Because of the reputation of that office's ladies seeking future husbands among the executives, a new strict rule of no dating co-workers had finally been installed and was being enforced. Norm and I, having liked the looks of each other, decided that I wasn't an 'actual' employee, so we began dating.

*** Flag # 1 - Rules don't apply to him!

Because I'm not good and hiding, lying or keeping my mouth shut (even worse back then), we were discovered pretty quickly. Most of the ladies thought it was adorable and kept quiet. A few warned me that Norm had a picture of a fiancé in his office. When I asked him about that, before our first date, he said he had been engaged, but she'd broken it off when he moved for work. He kept the picture around to keep people from getting too intrusive into his personal life.

*** Flag # 2 - Past sketchy, stories not adding to what I'm hearing elsewhere (they said she'd come to visit, still wearing his ring).

First date was WONDERFUL. Only strange part was that he was teasing, nicely, about how I'd got to nearly 25 and never married. My answer? Nobody'd ever asked! So, he asked. It sounded like a joke, so I played it as a joke. He looked hurt, but played it as a joke also.

*** Flag # 3 - Moving fast.

First few months were whirlwind (love-bombing?). We didn't really have much in common, but what we did have in common seemed to matter. And bedroom time was fantastic! I hadn't known sex could be that great! We really seemed to connect. We were having fun. Even when he had to travel for business, we'd talk by phone, tease each other, explore and have fun together. That lasted for about 6 months.

*** Flag # 4 - If it seems too good to be true, it probably is - goes for relationships, too!

I'm let go from the company that employed us both. I'm ticked off, call him from home, to warn him I won't be at my desk anymore. He's ticked off. I found out later from mutual friends that he goes on the warpath to find out why. I'm touched that he cared that much. I ask him to calm it down - remind him of the policy and how we skirted it. I have a new job within days.

Next time I call him, he doesn't answer. A week goes by, then two. Finally, I get a  hold of him. He'd been out of town. I shrug it off. He does travel for work and for family. He does sound different. I tell him all about my new job. I like it. He acts distracted, but asks me out to dinner anyway. I agree. That weekend, he's back, we see each other but I can't put my finger on what seems different. I figure he's an executive, he's got big things on his mind, or his 'baby-mama' is calling and hassling him again about child support. I shrug it off. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

*** Flag #5 Executive not paying child support on time? 
*** Flag #6 Two weeks and no contact?

By this time, I know things are not normal, but I'm still giving benefits of the doubt and rolling with this 'style' of dating. That doesn't last long. I've seen good relationships and this is shaping into one that isn't good. One holiday weekend, when he doesn't tell me he's going out of town and he doesn't answer my calls to his house, I freak out. I leave 25 voice messages on his phone BEGGING him to call me. I have now convinced myself that he's cheating or has dumped me without saying so. In the past, he'd got the first message and called me back within a day. So, I waited a day and a half for an answer - when I got nothing is when I freaked out.

When he gets back, he's understandably furious with me. He breaks it off. I understand, I know I went too far. He calls after four months, talking about how much he missed me. I love the sound of his voice, so I'm back at his place way too fast. I still feel like I have to show him I'm a 'big girl' and can take 'grown-folks' dating rules.

Flag # 7 - He's starting to treat me condescendingly. Suddenly, the age difference that hadn't meant much is being discussed.

He starts acting more distant. I start feeling like nothing but a booty call. But, I keep going over there every time he calls. Even if two to three months have gone by. Whenever I call him, he's unavailable. The calls, when he answers, are short and ended abruptly. I will not leave more than one message at a time, as proof of my repentance for the 25+ calls that one time. Even so, I jump whenever he calls. I start telling myself that I'm being used and to STOP and END THIS. But, I don't. I go see him instead. I don't even LOOK at other men. I find wine glasses with lipstick on his bedside table. He tells me that's from a visit from his mother.

Flag # 8, leaving obvious signs of other women in the house for me to find. He's a neat freak, so this is out of character - it feels intentional.
Flag # 9 - suddenly unavailable. Even if I called work, which I almost never did, he'd let his secretary answer, even with him in the office.

We date for four years, I never meet his mother, his sister or any other relative. He meets my mother, my sister, my brother and my niece. He's charming to all. My niece sees through him on their meeting. I only see one picture of his daughter. It's obviously old as she looks about 8 and he did finally tell me the girl was 13 when I found out about her.

Flag # 10, no meeting family or friends. All dates are JUST me and him and always involve dinner and/or a movie, then straight back to his place. I get plenty of social time while he's NC with me, but still.

Flag # 11, we're supposed to be exclusive, but between the stuff I'm finding around his house and the fact that he's begun wearing protection again tells me things are not as I'm led to believe.

We have our big blowout. I tell him I'm done being treated like the other woman. Either we are dating or we're not. No more of this months between calls. He tells me he's been seeing other women for a while. I tell him he can KEEP seeing them, but not me also. I'm done.

He tries me, calling every week for two months. I hold firm. I don't know about blocking calls or changing my number. I WANT to hear his voice, but have to keep saying no. I give in one last time. Afterward, he tells me he'll call me that weekend. I smile, kiss him, get dressed and leave. I know when I crank my car that I'll not see him ever again, no matter how hard he is to resist.

Flag # 12: It's not over till HE says it's over.  If I'd had my say, it'd been over after the blowup.

After that breakup, I wanted answers. I wanted to know how much was true and how much was just to get sex. I wanted to know if he ever really cared about me. But, I also sensed that I'd never get those answers. And, even if I could get him to talk to me and to answer the questions, he'd lie if it was convenient. Throughout the relationship, especially after that 6-month mark, with all the messages, he started being secretive, cagey and it seemed to me that he was playing serious head games. He was so much older than me that I was just sure that it was my naiveté that left me so confused. Gone were the compliments. Gone were the long looks into each others eyes. I didn't know the price for those calls would be so high. But it seems it was.

A year passes and he calls me again. I'm already in another mess I'll talk about later. I melt hearing his voice. I flash to all the great sex and his crooked adorable smile and his smell. I let him know I'm in a serious relationship. He tells me he's engaged again. I congratulate him. That's the last phone call.

Later I don't remember if he told me he was engaged before or after I said I was dating again. I don't tell him about the therapy I'd been in. I don't tell him the new <ahem> relationship isn't a relationship at all, but my boss sexually harassing me. I don't tell my friends that he called - after all the pain of that breakup, they would have been scared that I'd go back with him anyway. It would have been tough to stay away, even after all that.

Even when I end up in therapy after the harassment, I don't talk much about  - what did I call him - Norm. Maybe I should have. As I tell my now husband, THAT mess was the closest to a long-term relationship I'd ever been in. How messed up was THAT!?!

[sanmagic7]

just so glad you could get it out.  mess is right.  i've had a few of those myself.  different ways about them, but messes nonetheless.  so weird how much we didn't know, didn't realize at the time.  so much social interaction education has been missing from our lives.  like moms failing their daughters at how to be girls/women.  lack of healthy parameters for adult relationships - what they're supposed to look like, how the dynamics work, communication, expectations, and, maybe most of all, how important communication is, and what healthy communication sounds like. 

so much we've missed, so much we've learned that ended up causing us pain, and so much we were ignorant about.  here's to learning what we need to know in time to enjoy ourselves.  cheers!

[Wife#2]

Yes, there is the fact that I did finally get and stay out.

I was fortunate to have older sisters. One especially filled that gap left by Mom. But, she was the blind leading the blind! Part of why she died can be tied to her lack of boundaries, knowledge of what dating is supposed to look like and how to determine if he's a FUN boyfriend or a GOOD FOR YOU boyfriend. She contracted AIDS from a boyfriend while in college. Before anyone knew what AIDS was. When I look back over HER relationships, they were pretty big messes also. Even the husband who stuck with her to the end.

We're just past her birthday, so she's been on my mind a lot. No more right now. I MUST get my job done.

[sanmagic7]

i WAS the older sister, and my dad laid the responsibility of being a role model.  i was 5 or 6 at the time.  talk about the blind leading the blind.

heartfelt condolences for your sister, another victim of not knowing what we're supposed to know.  i completely believe that we all knew as babies exactly what was good for us, but those other voices were louder and drowned our own selves out.  we didn't have a choice, we didn't have a chance.

so, here we are, muddling through as best we can.  and we are doing our best to make sense of the senseless, logic out of the illogical, and sanity out of the insane madness we find ourselves in the middle of.   but, we persevere, don't we!  dang, we're good!!!

hope you enjoy your day. 

[Wife#2]

I've had something on my mind and I need to excise it and give some forgiveness over it.  **** TRIGGERS: Miscarriage, PD parent ***

I've discussed elsewhere that I had a miscarriage. It was awful and I do still have some unresolved issues related to that. One that I'd like to work through and lay to rest is how I responded to my mother that day.

I'm a follower. It's not a bad thing, it's just true. I can be a leader sometimes, but it exhausts me. So, in my marriage, I've often followed my husband's lead. Early in the marriage, I didn't see the harm (different issue). By the time of my miscarriage, my husband was already suspicious of my mother. He still did stuff for her and more was coming, but he'd finally seen what I see - that something is OFF with his MIL.

The day I had the miscarriage was only four days after confirming that I was pregnant. I was 37 years old and VERY aware that this was likely my last chance at having a baby of my own. I did/do love my stepchildren, but I really, selfishly, wanted to have that experience of being a parent through pregnancy and childbirth to raising that child. H and I had already told my parents and his kids. Everyone was excited for me. Then, I felt some pain. Something was wrong. Really wrong. And, because I was only 11-12 weeks pregnant, in just a few moments the pregnancy was over.

I was distraught. H was devastated. I felt so many emotions, but mostly that I had failed. As a wife, as a woman, as a mother. We called my OBGYN. He was out, but his partner said to go to the hospital. So, we did. Because the miscarriage had already happened, there was nothing the doctors could really do. I waited for a very long time. I cried, my stepdaughter cried. My mother arrived. I know she hurt, seeing her daughter on a gurney, crying. She cried with me, holding my hand.

The part I've been too harsh about, the part my husband will still bring up if I try to discuss my feelings around all this, is that my mother, in an effort to communicate her understanding, told me about her three miscarriages. The woman survived three miscarriages! And, at the time this happened, she'd also survived the loss of three adult children. She knew loss in a way I'll never comprehend. But, as she sat there, holding my hand, crying with me, telling me how deeply she sorrowed for me and sympathized with me, all I could think of was: 'You stupid old woman! Can't you see that you DID have children, STILL have children? This was my ONE chance and God said no. SHUT UP about YOUR pain and YOUR experience! I don't want to HEAR THAT CRAP right now!'

Fortunately, I was no more capable of saying that out loud than I was of standing up in that moment. I was still unkind and distant from her. I accused her in my heart of making it all about her. THAT WASN'T THE CASE! She was just trying to explain WHY she really, really understood my pain - as she wept with me. What she did that day, dropping everything she had planned that day (it was to be a busy day until I called) to rush to the hospital and be by my side, that was a very loving thing to do. But I didn't receive it that way.

I'm taking this time right now to bless her for her loving response. I'm taking this time right now to forgive what I thought was trying to be center stage and to 'one-up' me by making it clear she'd had THREE to my paltry ONE miscarriage. THAT was NOT what she was doing!  Even if it was, in this moment, I forgive her. AND, I forgive myself for my angry, hurt and hurtful thoughts.

God bless you, Mom. You may have done a mountain of harm to me over the years, but you didn't do any of it out of meanness. At least not to me. I forgive you the moment you seemed to take center stage. I forgive you the moment you (accidentally?) made me feel useless ~ because I already felt that, it wasn't just your words that brought that up in me.

I forgive myself for thinking the worst of Mom. I forgive myself for being selfish and not caring what anyone else thought or felt that day. I forgive myself for asking my husband to be strong and deal with everything for me.

I love you, Mom. Flaws and all. I hope you genuinely love me too, flaws and all. Please forgive me my harshness about that day. Please forgive me for thinking the worst of you.