That's not so bad, right? Wife2's journey to understanding - and yes - triggers

[sanmagic7]

and, bless you too, wife2, for all that you are.  i'm so glad you can forgive yourself for this.  you are truly a warrior woman, even if you have battered armor.  it's only a mark of the battles you've been through.

[Wife#2]

Thank you, Sanmagic7. Sincerely. Thank you! 

*** Possibly triggering, it would be if I were reading it: infestations, negligence ***

So, if you have been reading my posts lately, you'd know that my mother has been having a major infestation of roaches. My sister and I have been in communication about this. It was an ongoing problem for over a year now. Last night, my sister and I talked realistically for the first time in a while.

Sis is nearly a decade older than me. She knows a lot of what Mom and Dad were like before they were old, tired and overwhelmed. She also remembers WHY her relationship with Mom is so complicated. Though, after last night's conversation, it's clear that she had forgotten quite a bit in her effort to be loving and kind to Mom.

I found out that part of why she was coming to our town at least once a month was to clean Mom's apartment for her. To keep the roaches from winning the turf war. Well, the past couple of months, sis hasn't been able to travel like that and that's why I ended up getting a call on Halloween. Because Mom won't do the work, but want's the results. I won't enable her by cleaning HER apartment for HER. She's still capable. Sis WAS enabling her.

See, the thing is, like I said in my earlier post, Mom has ALWAYS had this problem. ALWAYS. And she always will, because one-by-one, each of us has made the decision to stop visiting and cleaning FOR her. My sis talked of moving Mom to Her town, thinking that would give Mom a fresh start. In a way, it would. The move would shock a lot of the little critters and she might even throw some roach-infested stuff away. Not all, but some. So, it would take a while for the infestation to get overwhelmingly large again. Just a while.

Sis didn't want to accept this reality. Then, I reminded her of our childhoods, chronically embarrassed by the mess of our home and unskilled at keeping it clean ourselves. We started putting the threads of Mom's life together and wove something pretty close to the truth. Sis remembers the early years, when Mom still tried, but basically made the two oldest girls responsible for maintaining the house. I remember the later years when the battle was permanently lost, but Mom wouldn't admit there even WAS a battle.

We, both of us daughters, have fleas from all this. Mine seem to be worse, though, at least in my opinion. Because, as I talked about my mother and her hoarding and her unwillingness to let go of things (roach encrusted) because of sentimental value, I was looking around my bedroom at the piles of crap I don't need and won't use. It may not be roach encrusted, but do I want to wait until it is, or it's mouse infested? NO. So, as I talked to her, I made the decision to shed myself of the packrat flea. I haven't said anything about this to my H, because he's heard it all before. No, there will be no talk, I will simply get it done. And then, maintain once it is done.

I will teach my son that living in clutter is not healthy. I will teach him that one person, motivated, can change the mess. I will teach him that starting the project, even when feeling overwhelmed, is better than not starting. This weekend will be a long one. I will not enjoy big chunks of it. But, if my tackling MY mess will help my son see that he CAN tackle HIS mess, then it's all worth it. If I show him that I can throw away the stuff that's hard to throw away, the lesson will be a good one for the rest of his life.

When I'm able to clear out MY mess and make my bedroom a safe, comforting place to retreat, I will help my son turn HIS room into a safe, comforting place to retreat. I will not make it anyone else's responsibility. I will not blame anyone else - this is MY mess, my son learned from ME.

It may hurt some feelings (especially my own, I really am my mother's daughter in this regard), but it is necessary to cause this pain to grow. I refuse to be 78 years old and miserable in an unsafe apartment because I will not do what I know needs to be done. I refuse to turn to my children to save me from myself. I refuse to allow my life to be overcome by vermin, roaches or other infestation creatures. I refuse to let my house become unlivable because I won't do my share. I refuse to continue to embarrass my children or my husband by my refusal to clean and maintain my home. If my husband refuses to help, given that he's home so much more than me, then he refuses. If he helps, then he helps. I would prefer the second, but the first is a valid response. He didn't cause this mess and he's tried to help me keep it at a low roar - though he lost that battle about two years ago.

I am ready to toss things that I previously wouldn't. If husband wants to keep it for HIS sentimental reasons, he must find an out-of-the-way place to put it. If I can see it after I've 'tossed' it, I know myself well enough that I will use THAT as an excuse to begin hoarding again.

It's time. I'm ready. Seeing what my mother has allowed to become her life and the sacrifices (of time with family who won't go to her place it's so nasty, including me) she's chosen over cleaning has woken me up to what I'm doing in my own life.

All in my family will benefit from this. I may still have some nasty habits (smoking, not ready yet - lazy, but willing to do something about that). I will not be perfect. I will gripe and I will be petty sometimes. But, I will still not go down with the filth ship.

I may not be able to summon vanity as a reason to fight this battle (my aunt, Mom's sister once told me vanity is what kept her on task). But, I can use the fear of turning into Mini-Mom to motivate me. I can look at what her life is now and reject that as a vision of my future. I will. Yes. I am worth that.

Thank you, ghost of Christmas Future. You visited me during that phone call and opened my eyes. I thought I was talking to ghost of Christmas Past - and in a way, I was. I had to see the whole tapestry before I could realize where I came from, where I am and where I'm headed. And that I CAN change the present to forever change the future.

[sanmagic7]

breaking the cycle.  a difficult yet courageous thing to do.  congrats, wife2.  you're doing it not only for yourself, but then for your son.  well done!!!

[Wife#2]

Thank you, Sanmagic, thank you.

I'm remembering advice I gave others - I may be a victim, and in some instances I AM a victim, but I don't have to remain a victim. As a youth, I had no choice. As an adult, I always have a choice. My son is a youth - he has no choice yet.

Yes, I am breaking the cycle. It's daunting, and I'll probably backslide more than once. But, better to try and backslide than to sit helpless having never tried.

Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. So, yes, self, I AM courageous. I'm very afraid. But, I will do it anyway.

[Three Roses]

Courage is defined by feeling afraid but acting anyway. 

[sanmagic7]

you go, warrior woman!!!  this is big!

[Wife#2]

Color me yellow and call me Bantam (chicken that is). I completely failed. I didn't even get motivated enough to put away the laundry that's been sitting, clean, in a basket since last weekend. Total fail. But, I'm not beating myself up too much about it. If I do, I'll use THAT as an excuse to put this off.

I allowed myself to be so overwhelmed, I couldn't even start. That's at the root of most of my procrastination. I will see the whole job and not start any of it because I know I won't be able to finish in the time I've given myself.

But, at least I did get the bathroom cleaned up. For me, that was a big one. It sparkled and smelled of bleach. I was not ashamed to put my DS8 into the tub for his bath. I was not ashamed to step into it for my shower. I didn't even fuss about the horrible mess H had left in there, which prompted my required action. I just did it and just felt good about myself doing it. That took some of the sting out of my ICr for sitting on my rump so much this weekend.

Oh, I also made a fantastic meal last night and cleaned the kitchen (not going to allow bugs in MY house) before settling in for the evening.

Small steps. Small steps are just fine some days. At least, they were in the right direction!

[sanmagic7]

small steps can be monumental at times!  sorry, but i disagree with your assessment of 'complete fail'.  it sounds like you accomplished plenty, and can be proud of yourself for doing so.  small steps, indeed!!!  they all count!  good for you, wife2.  i'm rooting for you - we'll keep moving forward together. 

i love the smell of bleach - it just smells so clean, and my nose sends that message to my brain, which starts smiling.

[Wife#2]

Oh, to me, one of the best smells is the not-too-strong scent of bleach with the house clean and all the windows open and even catching the smell of the dryer sheets on the breeze once in a while. To look around and see that everything is as it should be, even if still a little cluttery in some rooms.

Because I am in so little control of the whole house, I tend to not bother even in my own space- my bedroom. I hoard and deal with it later - except later never comes. I hoard it because my husband's answer to everything is throw it out. As long as HE sees no value in it. For himself. So, to protect myself against his bad eyes and desire to toss, I hide things in our room. OK, hiding could be used a few years ago. Now, there is so much, it's not hiding. But, at least he's learned that if I put it in the bedroom, he'd BETTER leave it alone. Of course, now my wall in the bedroom is slowly creeping towards the ceiling of things I wouldn't let him toss. Promising I'd deal with it. Later. He's still waiting. More patiently now than he used to. For that, I love him more than I used to.

My son can not understanding anything beyond Dad collects stuff and it goes in his spare room. Mom gathers stuff and keeps it in her room. He's taken after me - hoarding EVERYTHING he's ever been given. We go through it and I make him decide what is really trash at this point (a wrapper from gum a friend gave him three years ago) and we toss it together. I don't do this with him often, though because... see about MY hoard. I hate hypocrisy. I only do this with him after I've braved up and got rid of some of MY hoard. He sees, he helps, he knows what's coming. (smile - he's a trooper about it).

[Three Roses]

It's overwhelming, looking at all the piles and piles of laundry, dishes, etc! When I get overwhelmed I imagine it's just what the groundhog feels when he sees his shadow - it sends him scurrying for shelter, and me too!

So, I have learned to trick myself. I suspend time limits. I only look at one small area at a time - a table top, this room to vacuum, etc. One thing at a time gets done, and then I decide if I feel like the next one. What gets done, gets done; what remains, I can leave for another day, if I want. And if I only look at what I got accomplished, I feel a sense of satisfaction. It's the only way I can get stuff done without exhausting myself.

[sanmagic7]

hub #2 used to do that to me as well!  how disrespectful!

it still sounds like you make some progress at times, motivated by helping your son.  i think that counts, doesn't it?  would it count in your mind if i'd written that about myself?  if it counts for one of us, it counts for all of us. 

that's something i've learned along the way that's helped me a lot with giving myself some slack on this stuff.  if it happened to someone else, how would i judge that?  or them?  it hurts to hear you be so hard on yourself.  you are so generous and accepting with others, i wish you could see yourself as one of us others and be the same way with yourself.  you deserve it as much as any of us. 

we all have our own ways of coping.  none of them make any of us better or worse as a person, just shows our individuality.  whether you can see it or not, you are taking steps, wife2.  you are moving forward, even if there are some lateral moves at times.  you're still moving, and i think it all counts.  because we and our ways all count.  hangin' right beside you!

[Wife#2]

Thank you both, Three Roses & SanMagic! 

I do have to count cleaning the bathroom as a major victory. It was so nice to bathe DS8 last night and take a shower this morning and realize that the bathroom still looked great! And smelled really good. And, yes, that does matter.

I'll count the little victories in my favor, to encourage me to move on to the next victory.

I spoke with my sister again last night. She was being very encouraging. We both decided, after our last phone call was about home truths and hard realities regarding our mother, this call was about us and sharing and loving each other. That kind of call is what I miss the most about our sister who died so young. That is the kind of relationship I had with her. To build this same kind of relationship with this sister means the world to me.

Yes, San, you're very right. I would try to help anyone, posting as I have, that they DID do something, something positive and good for themselves as well as others. I would remind anyone else that even if you backslide, a step in the right direction is still forward movement overall. Thank you for the reminder. ::: Wife2 gets out mirror, says the encouraging things I would say to ANYONE else ::: Ok, that was a little intense. I'll have to practice on that one. And I have to admit that I did crack a grin thinking of the silly Saturday Night Live skit. Yet, that could be a good thing for all of us - to remember to treat ourselves as kindly as we treat each other here.

[sanmagic7]

big YAY! for you, wife2.  and, i'm so happy about the talks you're having with your sister, the relationship you're building.  that sounds absolutely wonderful!  such a great source of support when you need it.  i've just been having that happen with my brother, and it feels so good, so i can relate.  another YAY!

hey, take that positive self-mirror-talk slowly, my dear!  don't want to overwhelm yourself with goodness, now, do you!  (bit of joking around here).  but, i think you made a really good start.  you deserve it o so much.  i hope you keep it up, a little at a time.  just like with your cleaning victories.  your pace, your time, your energy.  it's all yours.  and, it's all good.

[Wife#2]

San - thanks for the laugh!

And yes pacing is a big part of what we're all doing. I can't do it all, but that's no reason to fail to start at all. Even on the topic of being kind to myself! I'm much nicer to those around me when I've had that chance even just a little bit.

Wow, the excuse-not-to-start wagon fell behind me and the sudden loss of all that weight made my back cramp! For real! THAT was strange. Good, but strange.

Getting up and stretching in my office for a few minutes. Then, off to lunch.

[sanmagic7]

i love letting go of those wagons.  i was once told that i was a pony who should have been pulling a cart but had been pulling the wagon of a workhorse, instead, which had made me ill.  well, no duh!  so, little by little i've been replacing that wagon with my own little flower cart.  very cute and just my size.  maybe that's part of the reason my back hurts most of the time!  good one!