That's not so bad, right? Wife2's journey to understanding - and yes - triggers

[Wife#2]

Thank you again, ladies!

San, you are able to say just the right thing as I need, and am ready, to hear it. Your validation of my opinion on the ACE test also helped me more than I can say. Exactly - the size of the 't' should be explained by the survivor, not the therapist! That's too much like telling a patient, 'You will feel this about this, not that.' Because that's what the books say? No, I don't think so.

One of the GREAT lessons my heart-sister gave me was to pay attention to my body. The body doesn't lie, she told me, and it will tell you a lot if you just pay attention! If only both she and I had been able to extrapolate that into the heart will tell you the truth. Because both of us recognized that the relationships we were in were not healthy for us, and our hearts knew it and told us, but we persisted. Sometimes out of a desire to be seen as loyal, sometimes because staying in was easier than getting out (it seemed at the time). Rarely because we really loved the man, felt valued by the man and wanted to make a life with that man. Sis didn't find that until just a couple of years before she died. But, she did find it. I haven't found it yet, but what I have found is a man who does love me, does value me and who I value. I'm working on not being so broken that I forget to show HIM the love and compassion I feel for him.

Yes, part of breaking the cycle is owning up to our own faults and making it right to the best of our ability. That was the whole point of my therapist having my mother in my session that one time. Yes, it was to 'blame the mother' a little bit, but to also invite her to make it right with me for all the years of hurt she'd inflicted on me. She declined to see that part of it, not seeing past the fact she was being blamed (It's always the mother's fault, huh?).

Also, part of my therapy was to make it clear that, as an adult, I was responsible for my own actions. Yes, the WHY I acted how I acted may be traced back to parentage, but I was still an individual and still responsible for getting myself as well as possible and learning from what hurt as a child - so as to NOT repeat it. Some days, I remember those lessons, others not so much. So, I find myself apologizing to my son - owning up to my part in why he hurts. I try to make it right. And, though it isn't my 'job' to do it, I help express what I know from my husband to our son - because sometimes hubby just isn't able to say it to anyone but me and sometimes son won't hear it from his Dad but will from me. Hubby is liking the changes in our home since I've really got back into doing this. Speaking 'for' those who find it awkward, but only in an encouraging way, to build the relationships stronger.

I also give voice to my son. If he's felt wronged, I allow him to say his piece without interruption (unless at 8 he tries to cuss - there are limits!). I repeat back so he knows I heard what HE said. THEN, we can discuss if I think he's got his facts right or if I need to apologize or if valid but time to let it go anyway. Whether I'm handling that right or not I sincerely don't know. What I do know is that my son does feel that he has a voice in our family and that he is heard. He may still feel misunderstood. I will validate that if he is. I'm already a little shaky as I'm already out of my depth with this and doing my best with skills I'm learning on the fly.

[sanmagic7]

wife2, i give you so much credit for what you're doing to break the cycle in which you were raised, both with your husband and with your son.  kudos, dearheart. 

it's too bad your mom didn't take that opportunity to see her part, acknowledge it, and apologize for it.  i know it can seem like blaming the mom, but, truly, the mom wields a lot of power over the life of a child, and it's only natural that she's gonna screw up every so often.   moms who have a sense of their own imperfection as a parent are more than willing to see that.

i don't mean to let the dads off the hook here, either.  after all, they are 50% responsible for the life of that child.  you all showed me that full responsibility for my daughter didn't lay with me, and i thank all of you for that.  i hope that your husband can soon begin to say to your son what your son needs to hear from him as well.    those words from him are important for your son to hear from him.  it makes a difference.  but, as always, everything in its time.

you're doing such a good job with all this.  how different you've been sounding about your relationships in your household, your own presence there.  yay for you!  i'm really very happy for all that.  i don't doubt it feels good, too.  ever forward!

[Wife#2]

I know I'm probably repeating myself from earlier posts. I only sometimes go back and read what I've written before. I want to state what I'm going through, feeling in this moment. I'm angry.

I was doing the math recently and came across something else that reflects on my father regarding me. When my brother didn't want to move across the state with me and Mom, GC bro was allowed to live with Dad. That was for 10th Grade. By his 12th grade year, Dad had married and moved to another state and GC bro still didn't want to move. Mom and Dad agreed that, with the permission of the parents, bro could live with his best friend. 

That was the same year I was entering 10th grade. I had no friends - Mom had moved to a different district in that same city. That was the year I BEGGED Dad to let me move in with him and my stepmother and step-siblings. That was the most crushing denial he threw at me. I was to be thrown under the bus (left in the care of a bitter, BPD mother) so that he and his new wife and two children near my age could bond. Because he didn't want to hurt his ex-wife's feelings. WHAT? REALLY? Screw whatever agreements made in the divorce proceedings - HOW DARE HE choose to bond with his new family and leave me alone with Mom?

This is why I feel that my father has (secretly even to himself) resented my existence. I messed up his plans for Autistic sis. I caused him to wait even longer before divorcing Mom. If I hadn't come along, he wouldn't have had to institutionalize Autistic sis and Mom would never have had the opportunity to work (yes, he's that old-school - the husband works and provides, the wife tends house & children). Also, while Mom was pregnant with me, she nearly died, then she nearly died in the hospital, then she required extra care. After me, she was told to not have any more children. That gave her MEDICAL permission to begin using birth control - something he religiously opposed. He could have chosen another path, but since he wanted his marital rights, she had to do SOMETHING. That SOMETHING ended up forcing her back into the hospital, requiring surgery and the complete removal of her uterus and ovaries. This plunged the young 30-something mother of 7 into early menopause. And the chain of events could be traced back to ME.

I sincerely don't believe my father understands that he resents me, he just does. He's never been comfortable around me as a person. I put it to how much I look and sound like my mother. WELL, what the * did you expect, Dad? You left me alone with her for YEARS. LOTS OF YEARS! And genetics, I mean, my God! So, that is a reason to reject your child? Because she looks and sounds like your ex-wife? To * with you, Dad. Really. Sanctimonious Jerk. Yeah, you worry about me. Because you wont' have a relationship with me. I have to do all the reaching out. If I fail, or get caught up in life or God-forbid, forget, then I'm thrown into Silent Treatment. Now that I've discovered the flying monkey (enmeshed sis), she doesn't even call anymore for you.

I want to rage to all of their faces. I want them to see the pain they put there. I want them to understand that it was not right to put all that on me - it was not my fault. **** I didn't make Autistic sis Autistic, did I - She was older than me! *** I'm sorry your plan to never send her away was ruined. Again, NOT MY FAULT! Where were you, Dad? Mom was there - as much as she can be. Surely by then you understood Mom had limits. Surely, by then, you realized she couldn't do it on her own while you traveled making a name for yourself in your industry. Surely, you could see that I wasn't thriving or hitting my growth expectations. *** AND IT WASN'T MY FAULT *** NO, not even having to send AS away. That was NOT MY FAULT. I was ONE YEAR OLD - HOW IN THE * COULD THAT BE MY FAULT? Yet, you worry about me, you are concerned about me, you struggle to understand me - because you blew my childhood resenting me.

[Wife#2]

I had to take a break from that post. During the break, I emailed Dad asking how he and his wife are. I gave him a brief update of life in my house.

His response floored me even more. I don't know if I should be hurt or if I *am* being too sensitive, but *. He drops a bomb on me with no further information - like I should know?!? He's having his heart checked out next week. WHAT? What's going on with his heart? He sounded fine on Christmas. Nobody has told me anything. Just 'I am having my heart checked on ** date.' WHAT? *? And he blasted me for years when I told him everything was fine - even if it was - because he hated that I didn't tell him more.

Now, I'm angry and hurt. And confused. If he wants me to be a part of his life, he has to do some of the work, too. If he doesn't, why bother telling me about that? Am I supposed to feel guilty because I didn't know all about it? I don't, I'm angry. My stepmother should have let me know if there was a problem like that. My husband would talk to her and Dad if I had something major going on like that. OMG. I just don't understand! I know my first instinct to call him and get more details comes from my life-long desire to be close to my Dad. But, then, I hesitate because I am sick of chasing him looking for some love from him. Does he really think that, angry or not, I don't care? I wouldn't be angry if I didn't care. I wouldn't be hurt!

I spent all lunch hour listening to radio preachers - nothing spoke to me. Nothing about reaching out through the pain, forgiveness, none of the things that could have helped me reset my attitude and see things from his eyes. Believe it or not, that does often happen - the message will be exactly what I need to hear. Not so much today. So, I stewed. I festered. I'm still near tears. Because dropping a bomb on me like that, without more information about it (he did talk about needing two shots in his eyes for his glaucoma) is a BIG DEAL. It hurts that he didn't see that I would be confused. He knows how little we've talked because it takes TWO to talk!

I guess, since he uses my sister to find out about me, he must have thought I would also use her to find out about him. Well, I don't use my siblings like that. The conversations I've had with my sister regarding Mom were because she's trying to gently force me into financial action with Mom and I've had to state my case of why I will not. SHE started the conversations. SHE pumped me for information. SHE tried to use the 'Mom will be Mom' argument to guilt me.

I am so angry right now. I'm having to pause a bunch to let my arms shake before tying between words. I guess I was expecting a simple little blurb from Dad, a response in kind to what I had sent him. I was NOT expecting a bomb.

I have to settle down and get my job done. At this rate, I'm going to lose this job. I can't afford that. So.... deep breathing. Closing my eyes for a moment. Counting to 10. Rubbing my arms a bit. More deep breathing and rolling the shoulders. There, I think I can concentrate again. Off to keep my job....

[sanmagic7]

wow!  bomb, indeed, wife2.  how horrible for you to be going through all this.  i don't think you're being too sensitive and i do believe all your feelings are valid.  l also agree with your assessment about always being the one who is doing the reaching out, wanting the relationship, feeling the resentment.  you're absolutely correct - none of it was your fault.

isn't it amazing that even as adults we long for approval and connection from and with our parents.  my folks have been dead for many years, yet i've still looked for ways to make them proud of me, get what i didn't get from them in other relationships, etc. etc.  even after they weren't around.  how much logical sense does that make?  still, i've done it over and over, never feeling fulfilled because it wasn't from them specifically.  a lot of work has gone into trying to make that not be an issue, but i still struggle with it at times.  dang!

i'm glad you had a place to put some of that anger and frustration, wife2.   i'm also glad you were able to stop in time to save your job.  i hope you can work yourself through this.  you have all my support.  difficult road, for sure.  big hug, my dear friend.

[Wife#2]

Big hug back to you, San - I can see that you got triggered and for that I am sorry. I had to blast here in my journal to keep it from going home.

I didn't even have the heart to tell my husband. Because, respecting my Dad as he does, he'd want me to call Dad immediately and not understand why I wouldn't want to.

All the memories of how I've been shown that I don't matter - at least not as much as the rest of everyone (Dad's extended family, Stepmom's extended family). The only one they see less often is my stepsister, and only because she lives across the country. She can't afford to visit them much either. I guess it's about having the money to visit the parents. If we don't, we don't see them. Unless we're very lucky. If my stepsister feels abandoned by them, I understand. She and I never really did get close - I was too busy being jealous of her to reach out much. Now, too much time has gone by, it would be too awkward and probably feel to her as if I had bad motives.

[sanmagic7]

awww, wife2, you didn't really trigger me.  it was just some old memories, but no problem.  i was just relating.  i'm glad you're able to put that crapola here instead of taking it home.   it's so good we have this place. 

i totally understand about not wanting to explain to your hub given his feelings toward your dad.  we gotta do what we gotta do.   i have no advice for you as to what you might want to do moving forward.  i do have faith that you'll figure it out and do what's best for you.  would getting in touch with your step-sister be something you'd want to do?  i can't even imagine how difficult all this must be for you.  like a balancing act of some kind, how much to move toward, how much to stay back.  i feel for you.

keep taking care of you - i'm doing the same.  big hug to a wonderful woman. 

[Wife#2]

I'm still angry and hurt. But, I have to say that my husband also being uCPTSD helped a lot last night. He got it. I told him what had happened and he understood why I was hurt. And angry. He validated me. 100%.

A whole flood of memories are coming back now. Some are good and some hurtful.

Yes, he did take me on those business trips - 'Take a daughter to work day' - kind of things. We didn't talk much because you were working. Yes, you did explain some things to me that I retained and was able to apply later in my life. Thanks. That was good. I did feel loved then. Hmmm, but the woman you fell in love with, left Mom for, married was the travel agent for your company. How much I loved and trusted you then. I felt special. Could it be that you had not-so-pure motives? Take the kid with me - requires more time and planning with the travel lady, she gets to see what a GREAT Dad I am and I do get to spend some time with the forgotten one, er my youngest child.

As a child, I ate those times up! I was so glad to be included in those trips. There were, what, 5 over the years? Then, there were the times you took me to the dentist, to the optometrist. I considered them special times, even if GC bro was with us. But those business trips felt so special to me. I felt like I mattered.

I guess that's the saddest part to me. He really was doing his best, he just didn't have quite enough love for me. He was too burnt out. He was too angry with Mom. He was too wrapped up in himself. So, in my childhood, it appeared that he was a loving, doting, devoted father and I darn near worshipped him. If I felt hurt, that was my fault. I must have done something wrong, because HE was the best parent on Earth.

Granted, compared to my Mom, he really was. But that bar is pretty low.

I really think the landslide shift came with Dad marrying my stepmother. She's no monster, really she's not. BUT - yes, there's a but - she had to get Dad vested into HER children. SHE demanded commitments to them because she'd moved to another state to marry my Dad. I get that. I'd do the same in her situation as well. She had a lot of extended family where they met. However, she shouldn't have asked, and he shouldn't have agreed, that HIS children wouldn't live with them.

The state where Mom and I lived has a bottom 10 educational system. The state where Dad and stepmom moved has a top 10 education system. Mom was obviously deeply bitter and angry over the divorce. I was a teenager. I was BEGGING, willing to promise ANYTHING to live with him and stepmother.

Here's the biggest reason I get angry when I think of these things. HE BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH FOUR BEDROOMS - One for him & wife, one for stepbro, one for stepsis and .... a den. Not a spare room for when I come to visit. Not a bedroom for me. Not a space where I would feel welcome when I DID come for summer visitation - a den. Not even a folding-out sofa in it. There was another space downstairs that could have been a den. Nope - formal living room. The other space off that? Nope, Dad's office away from work. No space for me. I was not welcome. I could never feel like family. I was always a guest. In my father's house. As a TEENAGER. When I was a grownup, I didn't mind this. The kids had moved out and Dad and stepmom had finally made guest rooms. As an adult, it's expected I feel like a guest in my father's house.

It may be more my stepmother since they got married. I've been considering this. When they married, my oldest sib was already married, the other established in her field and travelling the world, the next was just launching post college, next was in college still, next was getting ready to graduate high school and had plans to join the army. Next was my autistic sis - she was already safe and happy in her institution. So, I was the only possible one who might want to live with them. Easy enough to convince Dad all the reasons that was a bad idea. And, no, I wasn't a perfect kid. I probably gave her ammunition by having some teen attitude here and there.

Still, Dad was convinced that it was a bad idea to let his youngest child live with him, even when she's begging, even when he knows her mother is damaged and angry, even when every bit of evidence screams that she would be better off with him, he holds his hand out and shakes his head no.

My husband and I were talking about this last night. He said, near tears himself for what I was feeling, that he would NEVER turn his back on his children. Even if they'd done him wrong, especially when they were still children. Still now, he wouldn't turn his back on them. If they said they needed him, he would be there. I've seen this proven in his life. He said, 'Even if I'm a lousy father, and maybe I have been if you ask them, I'd still never give up on them or turn my back on them.'

Even though he respects my Dad a lot, that really put into perspective what I've been trying to tell him. He finally got why I feel like an outsider in my own birth family. Why, even when everyone says all the right stuff, I don't always feel the love being offered. Why it overwhelms me when I do. Because all the love offered to me as a child felt false, like I had to earn it and hadn't done well enough. My husband offered advice and hugs - just what I needed because he also realized I don't have to take his advice. And, his advice was to NOT call while I'm still angry, but to call my father and ask what was up with that - truth only, please. How could they assume that I would catch THAT tidbit on Facebook, when I've already admitted I use it less & less. How could they assume that someone had called me - it's their news, not by siblings, not my aunt (who he DID call and who has never liked me), not my uncle (doesn't know me at all). My husband believes, when I'm strong enough to deal with it even if it's not what I want to hear, that I am owed an explanation. I'm not sure I'll ever be strong enough to hear that I didn't matter enough to remember. I'll never be strong enough to hear that they assumed I'd be full of drama and thus not worth the effort (assuming I really am my mother's clone).

So, I sit here, trying to figure out how to get past this anger, this hurt, this feeling of having been betrayed - either by their lack of love or by their emotional laziness.

Not a good day.

[Wife#2]

I have one of the most excellent IRL friends. She's been through so much herself, she gets it. She let me vent, validated my feelings, then gently moved the conversation to other things until we were both laughing. It was a really good lunch hour.

I'm still pretty messed up. I've got random pains all over my body. I'm trying to get back to that lunch-hour calm. Instead, I keep going to the break room and buying and inhaling junk food. It's my choice to react badly, it'll be my choice when I change that.

I just had a crazy insight. Why am I bashing my body with junk food as some kind of self-abuse when I didn't do anything wrong to begin with? This is a bizarre comparison, but it's like saying - THIEF - and cutting off my own hand. I've identified that my father was absent and unavailable. I've identified that he did it again as recently as this month - disallowing me inclusion in his life. He is screaming who he is and where I rate. Why am I trying to claim ANY responsibility in this? Because he's old? Because I'm getting old myself? Habit? So, what good does hurting myself (with junk food) do me? None.

Now, what am I going to do about any of this?

I'm going to keep my distance from my father and step-mother. I won't avoid my siblings, but I also won't make any effort to reconnect. I will love my husband and my kids (step & bio). I will reconnect with friends who drifted out of my life, mostly due to my behavior. I will begin the steps of living healthier, including not mindlessly shoving junk food in my face because I'm upset.

I will search myself and try to find all my hurts. I will try to mourn them and the people who caused them. I will mourn that they couldn't be who I needed them to be. I will mourn that all my efforts to chase my FOO seeking their loving approval are failed.

I will mourn my inability to change anyone but myself. I will accept that others will judge me based on these choices and changes (FOO members). I will accept that the will continue to withhold their approval. I will learn to hear their disapproval without making it about me.

Though every one of them have known me since the day I was born, they don't know me. I don't know them, either. It's painful, but still it's ok to know that is true.

I will celebrate my children and grandchild. I will tell AND show them that they are valued, loved, worthy people. I will celebrate my husband, who - though he is flawed - is a tremendous survivor also.

[sanmagic7]

wife2, you dear sweet thing.  i'm so glad you were able to talk to your hub and that he came through for you.  a big hooray for both of you!  i know you were reticent about it, but you pulled up your big girl pants and did it and it worked out so well.  yay!

and, with all that mourning going on, i can relate to eating what's not good for me.  i've also learned that when we grieve, it is one of the messiest parts of recovery, and we're going to be messy while doing it.  that includes reverting to unhealthy practices for comfort.  it's such a difficult process to get through, but get through it we shall.  any way we have to, whatever gets us through it.  the main thing, to my mind, is that you are looking the beast in the eye and recognizing it for what it is.  that takes so much strength and courage!  you warrior woman you!  kudos! 

so, i've been eating what's not that good for me right now, but dammit, it is what it is, i'll get through it, and that will fall by the wayside again.  for now, it feels like what i need, and screw the rest of it.  chemistry is also my friend right now, and i'm using that to get some rest and let go of some of the tension that's built up.  at this stage of my life, i'm gonna use what's available, knowing that it's not forever, but just to get me over this hump.  may i kindly suggest you know the same?

you're doing such productive and difficult work right now, wife2.  i honor your effort, your determination, your courage, and your strength.   you're beautiful.  big hug!