That's not so bad, right? Wife2's journey to understanding - and yes - triggers

[sanmagic7]

i agree with mourningdove, wife#2.  you are figuring it out, and that's a biggie, even if it doesn't feel like it.  please, have patience with yourself, as well as kindness and gentleness.  we don't all come to the same place at the same time or in the same way.  hills and valleys - it's all part of the process.

you are already working hard at this, even when you want to quit, you don't.  you've got a spirit that i admire.  when i finally left my hub, i told him that if we'd been totally honest in our relationship, the marriage wouldn't have lasted 5 yrs.  it lasted 20.

so, i've been there, done that.  it's not pretty, it feels messy, it's like slogging through the muck, but you'll get there.  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone on this journey.

[movementforthebetter]

 

You are going through some monumental realizations that will shape your future. Until you've worked up the strength you need for the next step, I think a certain amount of "peacekeeping", if I may use such an unpleasant euphamism, is to be expected. Internally you're breaking things down to be able to build something new. Stay gentle with yourself and when the time is right you'll know.

In my case, it wasn't so much that the time was "right" like I thought it should be, but just that I reached a point where I couldn't stay silent any longer (and my hand was forced). But that was right in its own way, too. I wasn't strong enough to speak up and stand by it before that point. I'm not sure I could have done differently even though I would have liked to.

The blame is not yours. The selfishness is not yours. But the power and freedom will be yours if you keep working at it the way you are. We're here for you.

[Wife#2]

I just had to pop in real quick to write so my brain can see it ..... This is all work related:

INNER CRITIC, SHUT UP! I am not a total ** up. I am capable in my job. I've been with this company for over 10 years, if I was a ** up, I think they'd have caught on by now and fired me.

So, I have to write this a few more times, because ICr is being particularly noisy this morning.

SHUT UP INNER CRITIC! YOU DO NOT KNOW ME, YOU ARE THE VOICE OF MY FATHER AND I REJECT YOU THIS MORNING!

I do NOT think more highly of myself than I ought. I have value. I have intelligence. My opinions may be right or wrong, but I have the right to HAVE opinions! So, ICr voiced by my husband, can SHUT UP, too!

This work is not too much for me to handle. I do it every day. Maybe not perfectly, but well enough.

Yes, it's true, I used to be the young, brilliant shining star. But, like a firework, shining that brightly burned me out too quickly. Now, with maturity, I've learned to shine, to be an encouragement to others, to do my best as long as that doesn't require me to wear myself to a nub in the process. It's ok that there are younger, brighter people out there. I no longer need to be the youngest, fastest, best.

And inner critic can go to ** before I'll give that maturity up because it says I'm failing, falling behind, getting worse.

I may have to come back. ICr has been particularly active and I have enough stress right now. I don't need those ICr voices in my head making concentration even harder, increasing the likelihood that I will mess something up.

**** INNER CRITIC, SHUT UP! I AM NOT A FAILURE JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT ALL PERFECTLY, YESTERDAY!!!  *****

Edited because I do cuss and I do use methods to bypass the language filter and that type of behavior has caused some problems lately.

As a result of the other incident, a friend of mine here feels attacked. In such a site as this, the feeling of being attacked can be as bad or worse than the momentary EF of seeing a curse word modified JUST enough to clear the filters or the momentary irritation of finding your post moderated for such things.

Please, everyone, lets remember that we come together here for SUPPORT!

[sanmagic7]

o, my dear wife#2, i surely do hope you can yell louder and swear more crassly than any inner critic, no matter who it comes from.  your value, your worth does not, in my estimation, depend on being the fastest, youngest, all-the-time best, put-in-the-most hours employee that others may want you to believe.  shining stars are beautiful, light up the sky, and are looked up to.  but, as you wisely mentioned, other shining stars will appear and there is no failure in stepping aside.

and, i say stepping aside rather than stepping down.  there are more options than top and bottom, best and worst,  all and nothing.  life happens in shades of gray.  because we may lose a step or two doesn't mean we're still not great at what we do.  we may not be at what was once our personal best, but that's subjective at the least.

if i may, i'll lend a voice to yours  --  INNER CRITIC, SHUT UP!!!  YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS CONVERSATION!!!  IT'S NOT YOUR LIFE!!!  WIFE#2 KNOWS FULL WELL WHAT SHE'S DOING!!!  AND SHE'S GREAT AT IT!!!

there.  that felt good.  a veritable choir of angels !!!  O:-)  O:-) 

[Wife#2]

  Thank you, friend!

[Wife#2]

My best friend and I work together. I may not be HER best friend, but she is mine. Anyway, we've known each other a LONG time and we enjoy sharing our lunch hour each work day.

This week, I've seriously come to the decision that I must end my marriage. It is not a healthy marriage for either me or my husband and it's time to stop it. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect. Together we're a train-wreck.

At lunch, I was recounting again to her about my phone call to a lawyer last December. I was telling her how getting the validation that I am a survivor of emotional abuse brought me to tears. My friend, patient as ever, burst forth with, 'YES, and I've not known how to get you to see it!'

Her validation all over again brought me to tears yet again! She's heard my stories these many long years. She relates, though her ancient situation was far more violent and scary than mine - she recognized the common thread. We had a laugh together about me finally growing a backbone. She's so excited for me that I may finally be free of the pain I've been in for so long. But, having been my friend these long years, was honest enough to tell me that she's concerned I'll give in, cave again.

It made me sad that this is likely the view of all those around me who love me. They want for me to be happy, but have concerns that this will be like last time, and the time before that. I can understand. Until I show them that this time is different, they will take a wait-and-see approach.

So, it is with the silent but palpable support of my friends and family that I approach my husband this weekend. I will do all I can to remain calm - as I have the previous two times. I will listen to his arguments, pleadings and promises. I will say, as I did the first time, that I can't trust him, that I know his promises will all be broken and that, despite his best efforts and my best efforts, the marriage is over. It's been over a long time. It's time to stop trying to ride this dead donkey.

[Three Roses]

Stay safe, great big mind-boggling hugs to you! !

[movementforthebetter]

 

Keep us posted but look after you first.

[Wife#2]

I just figured out, after 20+ years in accounting related jobs, that 2 + 2 DOES = 4!

     Ok, here's what led to my miraculous discovery....

Yesterday, several folks were discussing alexithymia. I was curious, so I researched a little, then a lot. It explains so much about what I've been dealing with in my marriage. I feel like I just struck gold after years at the creek!

**** TRIGGER ALERT, SERIOUSLY PERSONAL TMI, DISCUSSION OF SEX, RAPE, MARRIAGE RELATIONS ****

If you don't mind the triggers, scroll - wanted to give people the opportunity to click away for real.




It explains why my then boyfriend felt it was not wrong to seek the anal sex I had told him was 'reserved for a husband only'. He didn't consider that the fact I was asleep meant I hadn't given consent. He wanted to marry me, he wanted anal sex, I was there, why not? He was genuinely surprised when I told him that was rape and left him.

Shortly after getting me back into the relationship, we had a discussion about the difference between lust and love. He really, really didn't get that there was such an extreme disconnect between the two. He thought he could love AND lust me. He didn't hear me when I explained that lust just wants pleasure and the object of the lust looks like a good source of pleasure for self. Love comes together with gentleness and tenderness and caring from each partner towards each partner.

The catalyst for this conversation was my asking why he wanted to marry me in the first place. His answer was that he 'leaked a little' when we hugged the first time. THAT was his basis for wanting to make a life-long commitment involving his children and both of our lives. Lust from the get-go.

After reading about alexithymia, I now see that he can't sort his emotions the way I would, so that 'leak' told him he 'loved' me. THAT is why he wanted to marry me. There wasn't a lot of emotion there, so he used what he did understand to define what he didn't.

And, because he honestly doesn't differentiate between love and lust - to him they are basically the same thing, he thought it was fine to tell me that he lusts me. 

This is at the foundation of our relationship. This is why it was off the rails before it even began. I've spent 12 years trying to understand, trying to coax out the good man I saw at the center of his own storm. I tried everything, to the point of burying my own emotions so they wouldn't upset him too much. I started to die emotionally. I tried being biblical and following my husband's lead. I suffered emotional abuse and neglect and I hurt. I tried being strong and independent. That triggered his fears of being abandoned and he felt he had to get better control over me. I tried being indifferent - that's honestly where I am lately more and more. That is not a marriage and I'm still suffering from emotional neglect.

The emotional neglect is triggering to me. I honestly don't think he can be any other way unless he gets professional help. We can't go on like this. One of us has to stop. It has to be me, he will not.

Only my DS saved me from complete emotional implosion. For him, I couldn't bury my whole heart. This decision will devastate DS8. I know that. I will pay a consequence for this decision. I'd rather take the hit as it were and have his blame for a while than let him be damaged further by an emotionally absent father. I know that pain - as San pointed out. I've done all I can do from within this marriage to spare my son the same pain I had in childhood. It won't stop until our home is a safe place for him to know he is loved and appreciated as his own person and that won't happen with my husband in the picture full-time.

I understand better now than I ever have before. My husband is not a bad man, he's actually quite good. He doesn't intend to hurt others, but has no awareness until he's already done the damage. The reactions confuse and upset him, putting him on the defensive, making everything worse.

I didn't cause it, I can't help it, I can't fix it.

I can only do what I can do to protect myself and my son from further damage.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl.  big hug!

[Wife#2]

Can someone tell me why, with all that I know, with all that I've uncovered, come out of the fog about, come to understand, learned about myself and my husband, WHY CAN'T I TELL HIM IT'S OVER??!!!

This is ridiculous. All weekend, he's making plans for our anniversary (two weeks away), Christmas, the holidays. I'm stuck screaming in my own head that I want out of the marriage, but I won't say it out loud. Every time I went to approach the subject, I backed off, feeling like I was being horrible for even thinking of leaving him. For causing that much pain for everyone. How selfish I must be to want my own happiness at the expense of everyone else in my family. And my lips slammed shut.

I had at least three opportunities to bring it up calmly, the way I should. I blew each one. I knew it in the moment - he'd even given me the perfect set up - What do I want for my anniversary? A separation. What do I want for my birthday? A divorce. What do I want to do about Christmas? Whatever I want, with you moved out and not bringing us down - again.

I even had opportunities to bring it up as a fussing point. When he griped because, after I had done three loads of laundry and was on my way out to the grocery store, I asked him to make a pitcher of tea and he didn't want to. When he was discussing his options with the cable/internet company and was asking how long the new plan might last.

But, each time I opened my lips to speak, SELFISH screamed into my ears and I closed my lips. 'He's doing all the right things right now, why hurt him?' says my conscience.

All the negative speech in my head went like this *** TRIGGER ALERT, NEGATIVE SELF-VIEW ****

1) What are you complaining about? He's paying all the utilities! You'll never be able to afford that on your own.
2) He's not THAT bad! My God, the way you describe him, it's like he's a monster and he's not! Get over yourself.
3) Yeah, I know he just yelled at DS again for being 'too loud' and was a hypocrite. So what? You're a hypocrite yourself sometimes.
4) Listen to that, Wife#2, he's making long-term plans. And you're not shutting him down. Why? Because you're a chicken and you know everything would be horrible without him in your life. You got your friends' hopes up again for NOTHING! You're not leaving him, ever. You'll die miserably married to this man and you and I both know it.

I heard these over and over and over all weekend. And I feel like I'm wearing the family failure sign again. I can't even do the RIGHT thing for me and my son because it's going to hurt. For a while. And I'm a chicken. And as much as I'd rather be a failure at marriage, I'm going to end up a failure as a person and as a mother.

I emotionally hid in plain sight all weekend. It was disgusting for me to watch myself. I would think of something fun or at least useful that would involve me and DS. The only one I carried through with was having him help me make my famous chili. Once H realized I was having DS help me, he was in the kitchen, offering suggestions and trying to be part of it. I couldn't get upset during that because at least he wasn't taking over and making me feel incompetent as usually happens when H 'helps'.

The rest of the time, when I wasn't doing chores or sleeping, I was on the sofa, playing computer games and binging on TV. I didn't even have the energy to get mad at H when he made fun of me about it. In part because he only made one unkind comment then dropped it. I didn't even get mad when he micromanaged my time when I was trying to get the laundry done - directing me WHEN I should check the machines.

Before my decision I would have counted this as a good weekend. Now, it feels like a disaster of missed opportunities. Unspoken words. Words that needed to be spoken. And I get to add ashamed of myself for not being stronger for my DS to my list of failures as a human. Where's my sign?

[Wife#2]

Ok. I read and re-read and re-read that last post. Here is my response to myself.  *** WARNING, EMOTIONAL NEGLECT TRIGGERS - hopefully mild ***

Baby girl, understand something. You have been in therapy off and on for half your life. These issues are real and they are not going to go away just because they hurt and you want them to.

Why did you fold instead of play your cards? Because you have been so conditioned. Your voice matters less than the consensus of the whole. If doing right by you were a priority, you wouldn't have HAD these problems. It's called neglect, baby. So, when faced with the reality that this decision will bring pain to ALL the members of your family, including you, in the short term, you were silenced. Who are YOU to put your needs first, Wife#2? You aren't special.

You know what, though - that voice, the one telling you that you aren't special or worthy or deserving of happiness - that is NOT your voice! You may not be able to exactly place it's owner, but it is NOT you.

No, you may not be some exceptionally special person destined for fame or fortune. You accepted that reality a long time ago. However, getting the love, emotional support and kindness you deserve just as a human being is not conditioned upon you being special! Those are basic human rights. Further, they're basic human needs!

Why do you think your husband chose you in the first place? Because he saw your warmth, love and openheartedness. He needed those, he was self-aware enough to recognize that. He failed to understand that you GOT that way with lots of therapy, some outstanding friends and a lot of internal work. He failed to understand that you could only remain so open, warm and loving if you were being granted the same things. He drained your accounts and wants the 'old Wife#2' back, complaining that you've changed, not for the better.

Let's re-record that inner voice that's been so tough on you this weekend.

1) You am worthy of being loved the way that YOU need to be loved. Your husband, no matter HOW willing, is not capable at this time.
2) Causing others pain is anathema to you. This is natural, as you have a good heart. Of COURSE you hesitated to speak pain into their lives! Your husband more or less made you responsible for his health and very life if you ever decided to leave him. He shouldn't, and you shouldn't have believed that you OWN that responsibility. You don't.
3) You are NOT a failure as a person. In fact, while work may remain to be done, you are a pretty nice person, most who know you would agree. Confusing, but very nice.
4) You are NOT a failure as a mother. Your son would second that. Your step-children would third & fourth that. You have shown great deals of patience, concern, love and time to all three children. You're not perfect, but that's not the same as a failure.
5) Any voice which does not build you up as a person, including inner or outer critics, is wrong. Especially inner or outer critics! YOUR voice is one of love and encouragement. YOUR voice is one of patience, acceptance and kindness. THIS is your natural voice.

Since speaking about something which would naturally bring pain to people you care about is so against your nature, you found ways to put it off. Maybe not the best technique, but understandable at least. How many times do you grab the end of the Band-Aid before tearing it off? At least three, right? Well, you tried once two years ago - it resulted in empty promises and tears to hold you. You tried again a year ago - not so many tears, but certainly repeats of the same tired, empty promises. You're trying to work up the courage to actually take the Band-Aid off this time. Knowing how it went before, it makes sense that you would hesitate. This time, there WILL be pain, but it will be short-lived.

YOU are NOT a failure, Wife#2. You are a human being, with flaws and weaknesses.

Of course, you'll never ask him, but don't you wonder how many times your father WANTED to leave your Mom? How many times he drank instead of facing the problem? How many nights he berated himself for not getting it done? The pain lingers for your mother because she's disordered and allows herself to wallow in 30 year old pain. Your siblings eventually got over the shock and the pain. They moved on with their lives, having a good relationship with your Dad. Nobody 'blames' him for ruining their lives except the disordered one - his ex-wife.

Your husband is, if not disordered, certainly NOT dealing with his mental and emotional issues. If he chooses to cause himself pain by not letting you go, that's his decision.

[movementforthebetter]

 


You are a beautifil person. You will get there, and you know it. Much love and strength to you.

[sanmagic7]

i'm applauding right along with mftb.  you are so wonderful, wife2, and getting so close.  when you're ready, you'll do what's best for you, because that's, ultimately, what's best for everyone around you.  in your corner, on your side, hangin' right next to you.  your true voice is wonderful to behold.