That's not so bad, right? Wife2's journey to understanding - and yes - triggers

Started by Wife#2, May 18, 2016, 07:31:05 PM

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Wife#2

I'm in such a quandary. My H has realized that things are not right between us. His take on it is that I am the miserable one and that I want him out of the house. He's right, but it hurt to hear it put so bluntly. He always has been blunt. Well, when he said those actual words, I backed off instead of agreeing with him. I don't want to be married, but I am not attempting to 'kick him out of my house'.

Isn't that the most lame cop-out you've ever heard? I lied because I didn't like his wording. I said, 'That's not it at all.'

What is wrong with me? He was calm, it would have been a perfect time for the discussion. He was feeling sick, but that is because of all the stress of knowing something is wrong. DS and I are feeling it and feeling sick as well.

Why did I have to lie!? Why couldn't I sit down like a grown-up and talk about this rationally and calmly? Something childish in my mind hollered out - not on HIS timing! Wait, lie and we'll do this on YOUR timing. But, that feels like a cop-out, too!

I've been beating myself up since this happened. And that was Monday night. Everything I've done since then has been the wrong thing (mostly in my mind, but he's saying it, too). We've been in the same house, but not together. I spend most of my time with DS or tuned out on my tablet. We keep snapping at each other over stupid stuff.

It just seems that I see it coming, he sees it coming, he tried to bring up the subject and I, the one who's supposedly getting it together, am the one who lied and placated and pretended all was fine.

I'm so disappointed in myself. WHY? That's the question I keep coming back to. WHY? I couldn't have asked for better conditions to have the talk. So, because HE brought it up, I won't have it? WHAT?

There IS something wrong with me. Putting off and pretending it doesn't exist - that's my mother's coping mechanism, not mine. WHY did I default regarding one of the most important conversations that will probably happen in my life? WHY?!?

Kizzie

Perhaps you simply weren't quite ready in that moment (i.e., so the conditions were actually not right)?  It is as you say one of the most important conversations you will have in your life and that takes some gearing up for and dare I say some control over the moment the conversation begins.  Would it help (and give you both a measure of control) if together you chose a time to talk? 

sanmagic7

why do any of us default on anything like this?  it's so scary, and it's going to be final once those words come out of your mouth.  every minute you're getting closer, wife#2, you're getting ready, you're preparing for a finality.  that's one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, i think. 

it will happen in its own time, in your time, in god's time, in the universe's time.  whichever.  in the meantime, i hope you can be patient with yourself.  you don't deserve to be beaten up.  if this were your best friend, would you be verbally beating on her?  my guess is that you would be giving her loving support, encouragement, caring, and kindness.  those are all the things you deserve as well.  my heart is with you. 

tea-the-artist

 :yeahthat:

Wife#2 I may not be as experienced, but in my heart I truly believe in you! honestly, I agree with Kizzie and sanmagic7, it'll happen on its own time :) you've been giving me a lot of encouraging words and I hope deep in your heart you know and feel that those words are true for yourself as well :hug: I'm rooting for you! :cheer:

Wife#2

Thank you, everyone! I've needed every one of those encouraging words.

And, Tea, I understand those overwhelmed by kindness tears you spoke of. I'm crying them right now. Thank goodness I have a tissue box handy!

Also, I've noticed that as I've moved closer to this end, I've begun being able to cry again. Not as much as before, I still choke back tears way too often. It's just such a relief to my soul to be able to cry empathy, joy and love tears again.

Again, thank you all! I would not be where I am without each of you and your input and encouragement.  :hug:  :hug: to you all!!

sanmagic7


sanmagic7

you didn't specify, but mentioned that your birthday is around here this month, so happy birthday, whenever it is.  i hope you have a special day.  big hug.

Wife#2

Well, that was interesting!

It is now Wednesday. I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. We are now day 5 after Hurricane Matthew. Everyone in this region was affected. I've had highs and lows and throughout I've tried to keep my sense of humor (often failed), appreciation for what DIDN'T happen (successful) and tried my best to step back and allow DS8 to feel what he's feeling and express those feelings as HE was ready.

H is an adult. He is responsible for his own feelings. I am an adult. I am responsible for my own feelings. DS8 is still a child and needs validation often, proving to himself that it's OK to feel a complicated mix of emotions.

This storm was a BIG deal. H has been super and horrible during this. I have been helpful and a pain in H's behind. We have cuddled for comfort (shocked me, almost felt like intimacy). We have bickered until DS8 had to ask us to calm down - we were stressing him out. But, generally, we have worked ok together to get through the aftermath.

I just returned to work today. DS is still home from school. Power is still off in many places, including my home - and neighborhood. We try to remain patient as we throw out more food that didn't make it. My office smells funky and I can't tell if it's always smelled like this or is a result of the storm, or is me because I have to go to DSD's house to shower in the evenings and haven't had a shower today.

My feelings about leaving H are all complicated and confused now. He's been great and horrible. But, generally great. And, I've tried to remember when he's been horrible it could be related to HIS cPTSD. He was living in this town and had a VERY tough time during the last major storm in this area years ago. I think he sometimes doesn't see me, but his first wife, when he's getting very testy with me. Or, he may be getting ticked with me - I haven't been an angel to be around.

It's hard to get too mad at him when he's trying his level best - even if that means he's under my skin somewhat. It's hard to stay mad at him, even when I DO get mad at him because he'll also be so sweet and kind and thoughtful, it melts my heart!

So, on top of being somewhat traumatized by this storm, I'm confused about what all this means for my marriage. Is there hope? I so want to believe there is. Which of the two 'husband's that showed up since the storm is the real him? Grumpy, griping and startling husband or thoughtful, hardworking and open husband? Depending on how his first hour went that day seemed to determine which husband I'd have all day. Yesterday was NOT the kind one. But, the day before was - mostly.

I see the fear in his eyes. I feel the anxiety wash off of him. I want to make it better - realizing that I can and as his helpmate, should. I know I'm not getting that back as much as I'm giving, but I am getting little bits back. Is it enough? Only I can answer that.

We did share one sardonic laugh. Our anniversary is Friday. My birthday is Saturday. We're likely to have electricity again by Sunday. Who cares about gifts? I have all my relatives - most of whom were in the path - alive and well. That's enough!

Although if I could get someone to help peel my shoulders out of my ears, unclench my teeth and RELAX for a few minutes, I think it'd do my attitude wonders!

sanmagic7

dang, wife#2, so sorry you've gone thru that storm!  o, my heart is with you.  how horrible, but so glad you and yours are all right.

yes, we tend to want to remember the good things, don't we?  it's easier that way, i think, to stay in denial about how truly awful the bad times are/were.  is couples counseling off the table?  i think the yea or nay of that is a good indication as to whether things will get better or not.   it takes two, after all, to want to fight for the relationship, whether in spite of or because of the diagnoses involved. 

i remember being grateful for crumbs in previous relationships.  they seemed like stars of hope.   i know now that i deserve the whole loaf, and won't settle for less.  but, that's just me.  we all do the best we can.   and that's exactly what you're doing.  you've just gone thru an extreme trauma - again!  now may not be the best time to make any decisions re: your relationship.  at least wait till you get your power back, and your feet under you again.  one trauma at a time, please, if at all possible!  (i'm talking to the universe here)

Wife#2

San, after seeing how this storm affected DS8, I really, really want to wait until things are settled. DS8 is really shaken by the whole thing. He was so sad to see me leave for work, it broke my heart. I will definitely not try more 'uprooting' at this time. I don't even want to bring up counseling with hubby right now. He's VERY raw and it would be a cruel thing to do.

The 'uprooting' is in quotation marks because most of the trees that did fall around us were uprooted. I now hate the sound of cracking trees and limbs.

Back to counting blessings:

1) Everyone in my family is alive and unhurt.
2) Extended family included.
3) No trees from our yard fell.
4) No trees fell into our yard.
5) We have running water, and have had throughout.
6) We have a way to cook food and heat water. It's slow and annoying, but we had hot coffee within a day of power outage.
7) We can get to stores for more things as needed.
8) I'm back at work.
9) Bosses approved 2 days vacation (if we had it to spare) so our paychecks wouldn't be devastated as well.
10) All of my friends and co-workers are alive and ok - traumatized, but ok.

And, thank you for those wishes into the universe! Please - let us catch our breath before any more rounds of challenges!

Three Roses

Wow, I'm so glad to hear you're all okay!

I agree with sanmagic - when or if the time is right, you'll know it.

sanmagic7

3 roses - nice pumpkin!

wife#2 - yes, i'm so very glad for all your blessings in the midst of this awfulness.  take a breath, take your time, take care of your son, take care of you.  this storm may have sideswiped you for the nonce (love that word!) but you and your spirit are so very strong.  keep doing what you need to do to get your world rightside up again.  it was dealt a severe blow.  big hug, my dear.

Three Roses


Wife#2

*** Trigger warning - marital relations and arguing, childhood invalidation ***

During a discussion - ok it was a fight - last night, my husband asked me something that has had me thinking ever since. I was explaining how his derogatory comments towards women in general (talking about less-than-bright females on TV) hurt me and convince me that he must not love me. After the third time I explained this principle, because it was getting brushed aside and downplayed (invalidated), he asked me, 'Are you seriously THAT insecure about being a female that you would think what I say about THEM applies to YOU? My WIFE?'

I really had to think about that one. It stung. My first instinct was to hurt him back, which I'd started this mess, so that was foolishness. But, instead, I found myself near tears, nodding. I *DO* doubt my femaleness, femininity, value as a woman.

Although my father would be shocked to hear me say this, I was discarded as too complicated and too much like my mother and left with my mother after he got married again. Just as I needed my father the most, he was gone. And when I begged to go with him, he refused citing mixed family and complications. She has two children, a son and a daughter. To this day, he doesn't remember that conversation or that I ever asked to be in his custody. Or that he refused.

My big brother, the GC, had frequently picked on me about being flat chested and hairy. Until I wasn't anymore. Then, he went silent - I've posted elsewhere how he handled my 'blossoming'. It was not kind. At home, he went from pestering me and allowing me to pester him (typical kid bickering - I wanna watch MY show kind of stuff most of the time) to pushing me away and scowling whenever I tried to interact with him. Gone were the days of trying to show me how to play basketball or pitch a baseball the 'right' way.

My mother simply ignored the situation, except to say something if I was doing something wrong. I couldn't talk to her about that kind of thing anyway, she'd already made it clear that since her hysterectomy those issues weren't important to her anymore. I was a naturally preppy girly-girl. About this time, I started wearing too-big clothes, slouching and hunching over.

I had no skill at what it meant / means to be a woman. Everyone was walking away from me, even favorite heart-sister who was gone to college. The brief time I spent with her after college, she tried to teach me some things, but I'd already been hurt by boys who used me and threw me away.

I still have no skill at what it means to be a woman. I sometimes wonder if some people think my blood child is really my child because they doubt if I was really born a woman. Yes, I know that's putting thoughts into other people's heads. But, inner critic is having a field day right now telling me all the reasons I stink as a person and woman and why I should be grateful for my husband and cling to him and do whatever he wants because he took pity on me and married me.

** I know the facts are different. So does inner critic, but like any good liar, he'll pretend to have got the facts wrong, just to criticize me on everything from frequency of shaving my legs to housekeeping lack of skill to couldn't even have a baby right - had to have a C-section **

I'm a little all over the place today. Hubby and I were up past 2AM with all this and his solution was to call me today and apologize for the discussion and tell me he was thinking of me. Now, it honestly has me wondering if he's going to be just nice enough to get me back into sex with him or if he really means it. Because, as I told him last night, I see no evidence that he loves me. So, when he asks for sex, it's that clinical and there is NO emotion invested and I just want to scream at him that I am NOT a blow-up doll there for his convenience.

And I don't know how to explain to him that he's broken me emotionally already. When I do try to tell him that, in those words, he gets off on the tangent that 'everything is my fault and I'm the bad guy and blame it all on ME'. And if I try to explain that if I can't tell him how *I* feel and he can tell me how *he* feels, then really we don't have a relationship. We may as well be cousins - who love each other, but ewww not THAT mushy way - until we lay down in bed when he expects a fun-loving, free-spirited, uninhibited sex partner to show up. I never was her. I don't know HOW he expects me to turn INTO her.

Ugh. I'm too busy at work for all this. I have to go pretend I want my job and I can barely hold a thought in my head anyway except 'YOU FAILED, YOU FAILED, stupid girl. Now, he's on to you and will string you along just good enough that you'll eat up the emotional crumbs he throws down for you and beg for more instead of stand up as a WOMAN and TELL him he's full of * and walk away from him.'

Three Roses

Oh, w2, how this makes me hurt for you.

You are not a stupid girl. You are a capable, vibrant, warm woman who is able to define her own idea of femininity and womanhood. You have carved out a niche for yourself, created a family, are working on yourself at the same time as trying to nurture and raise your son. You are trying your best in a relationship, trying to make it work when it seems that he is *-bent on destroying it.

You don't have to explain or justify your needs. Not to him, not to anyone. A relationship can only work long-term if it includes mutual respect and a willingness to at least try & do for your partner what they ask. Time for him to get on board.

Yes, he also may have cptsd just like you, but the difference between the two of you is that you are working on your stuff and trying to heal yourself. It would be nice if he'd get on that page.