Unwillingly separated

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Unwillingly separated
« on: May 18, 2016, 08:45:53 PM »

So my wife of 14 years and I separated last December - more correctly she asked me to leave the house.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD following the discovery of my Mom passed away in her bed from natural (but premature) causes when I was 7.  I also underwent a number of surgeries to correct a birth defect from age 3-15 and then when I was in my thirties I found out I was infertile.

My whole life has been spent seeking approval from others and then pushing them away because of fear of rejection.  I would also try and control those around me especially those that  loved.  As the years passed I developed an addiction to internet pornography which morphed into seeking solace from escorts and massage parlours - in other words an addiction to sex and lust. 

In December, my wife confronted me with my stash of internet pornography movies that I had downloaded onto an external hard drive.  She said that she could not have me in the same house as her and our son (11) and that I had to leave until she figured out what she wanted to do.  She said as of that date she considered us separated.  I did as she asked.  In the meantime I have joined a 12 step program for the addiction, sought spiritual guidance and was actually honest with my counsellor.  Things are actually going quite well right now.  I have been sober since the day I left and my son stays with me every second week.  Now that I have been sober, many of the other symptoms that drove the addiction are surfacing, low self esteem, resentment, fear, guilt, shame and self pity are all pretty regular companions of mine and I am learning how to cope with them when they surface.

In the meantime, my wife has started formal separation proceedings so we are headed down that path.  I would desperately love to reconcile and get back together because I really do love her.  As I explained to her the addiction was not about her.  That said, I fully appreciate how devastating and traumatic this was for her.  For me it was a relief to get caught, for her it was horrible.  Thankfully she is seeing a counsellor as well.

I would welcome any thoughts or experience in similar situations as to what I might do (or not do) to see if we can reconcile. 

Thanks in advance