Alice's Journal - Possible Triggers

[Alice97]

Sooooo... I'm starting a recovery journal as a way of (hopefully) keeping better track of where I'm at in my mind. I'm in a really bad place right now  , and I really need to unload my thoughts. I find that writing out my thoughts and feelings helps me sort through things and find some peace. I'm a little nervous about posting my "junk" for all to see. I might even say I feel a little ashamed because I have only gotten worse so far, so to post about how I'm not recovering in a recovery journal seems a little pointless, but I'm hoping I can eventually see some improvement. I'm going to be as brutally honest and vulnerable as I can without revealing too much info (I hope). I tend to say too much or not enough.
But I'm going to do this. Here goes. . .

First off, I'd like to figure out what exactly I hope to accomplish with this recovery journal.

1. I hope to eventually see some progress. I'm hoping to start therapy as soon as possible (which may not be for awhile unfortunately) and make some progress in the right direction. I'd like to document that progress here, as a sort of "before and after" to encourage myself.

2. I have recently been remembering some childhood memories in bits and pieces. I'd like to record the things I remember here, so as not to forget them again.

3. Mostly I just want to understand myself better. Especially my inner child.

4. I want to take note of the things that trigger me.

5. I want to keep track of my dreams, and see if I can discover a pattern.


For starters. . .

What I'm recovering from:

*Growing up in a very angry, emotionally cold home environment.
*My F's emotional abuse, especially towards my M. More specifically, his emotional coldness and neglect, pessimism, criticism, covert rage, extreme passive-aggression, gaslighting, inconsistency (saying one thing, doing another; abusive cycle), etc.
*My siblings' anger and narcissism. Both of my siblings are classic narcissists, and both have torn my M apart emotionally since they were little, and especially when they were teens. They would (and still do), play one parent against the other, shift blame, manipulate, throw fits or act terribly hurt or mistreated to get what they want, etc. One older sibling would criticize me a lot when I was little, calling me fat, among other things. He suddenly stopped talking to me or playing with me at some point when we were little, and has basically ignored me since (we're both adults now).
*Watching my M crumble over the years. She used to be a very frantic, worried person. She's calmed down some, but she still second guesses herself constantly, always asking for people's opinions and validation before making decisions. I don't blame her for this, but she hasn't exactly been an emotionally stable person to count on for support. She tries, but because of how my F and siblings treat her, she can't.

My symptoms, past and present:

Early childhood (pre-10) -

*Extreme phobias (fear of impending doom, being convinced our house was going to burn down, terror that my parents would die soon, grieving the fact that my dog will someday die, etc. My fears were so bad I would obsess about them all the time. I eventually grew out of these, and into others.
*It took me forever to stop sucking my thumb. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember my parents made me wear gloves to bed to try to help me stop.
*It's hard for me to remember much before 10. I just mostly remember being an extremely insecure, depressed child. I remember once my dad asked me when I was 8 what my favorite age was, and I confidently said 7. I don't remember why but I remember very much disliking 8+.
*I felt ashamed and terrified of growing up and getting married. I somehow got the idea from my F that he didn't want to lose me to a man, so I practically promised myself that I would never do that to him. I also promised my stuffed animals that I would never stop loving them. My stuffed animals were the best friends I ever had in my childhood. I spent many hours fantasizing with them.
*I remember staring in the mirror at myself and feeling disconnected from the reflection. I remember a persistent feeling of being unreal (depersonalization I suppose) all throughout my childhood, with varying severity.
*Feeling like I will die young.


15-Present  (don't remember much from 10-15, not sure if because of trauma of if life was just uneventful):

*Depression
*Anxiety (Social Anxiety that has mostly subsided now)
*Digestive Disorders
*Adrenal Fatigue
*Suicidal Ideation
*Worsening Depersonalization
*Avoidance of anything/anyone that reminds me of my narcissistic family members
*Fear of men (which sometimes feels like social anxiety because I can't handle being in a room full of men)
*Chronic Nightmares
*Emotional Numbness
*Feeling Detached
*Emotional Flashbacks
*Various Memory Issues




So yeah. That's kind of where I've been and where I'm at now. For the record I've toyed with the idea that I may have repressed memories of sexual abuse, and I have this looming feeling like my brain has been hiding something that I'm about to recall, but that isn't very scientific so I'm inclined to doubt my gut on that one. But we'll see I guess.

Recent nightmares. . .

*Running and hiding from terrorists.
*Someone saving my life several times.
*More running and hiding.
*Drowning.
*Nearly dying (like just feeling myself fade out of existence. Weird, I know.)
*Driving and nearly having an accident.
*Watching bombs fall and almost hit our house.


I had to text a Crisis help line the other night because I was seriously suicidal. Like worse than usual. They were really helpful to talk to. I think I've been in denial about how desperately I need help. But I do. I really do.    I guess I don't feel like I've been through anything worth getting help for, and certainly not anything that could've given me C-PTSD. But I do feel like I've been traumatized. Over and over and over. So maybe I was... I don't know. I haven't been officially diagnosed, so I guess I can't necessarily be sure I have PTSD. Part of me really wants to get evaluated so I can know for sure. But part of me is still in denial. I keep telling myself I'll get over it and be ok. But it just keeps getting worse.     I hate this.

[samantha19]

Hey 

I just wanna say I relate to feeling ashamed about sharing things, even online, but also that I don't think you, or I, have any rational reason to feel this way. You are reaching out and working on recovery, working on understanding yourself better in the hope you can heal. That is brave and very healthy.
It's sad to hear of your story and symptoms But I commend you for sharing them. I wish you all the best in recovering. <3
It can get better, and learning about yourself and any illness' you are experiencing is a pretty good first step. Sending love and hope 

[Alice97]

Hey 

I just wanna say I relate to feeling ashamed about sharing things, even online, but also that I don't think you, or I, have any rational reason to feel this way. You are reaching out and working on recovery, working on understanding yourself better in the hope you can heal. That is brave and very healthy.
It's sad to hear of your story and symptoms But I commend you for sharing them. I wish you all the best in recovering. <3
It can get better, and learning about yourself and any illness' you are experiencing is a pretty good first step. Sending love and hope 

Hi, thanks so much for your understanding and encouragement It really means a lot to me. And I agree we have no rational reason to be ashamed... but that's the trouble, isn't it? That our brains just refuse to operate rationally at times. Thanks again for your support 

[Alice97]

It's been a long day... I had a ton of anger that came out of nowhere, and I was really detached the whole day. Looking back on it now I feel almost like I wasn't there, but like I am watching someone else. Which is typical of dissociation I guess.

I also had a few EFs that hit me hard. I hate it when I'm triggered when I'm not expecting it. F is going to be gone for the weekend, which triggered the panic I used to feel when I was younger and away from my parents. It's the strangest feeling. When I'm triggered I become that small girl again - terrified of being alone, yet terrified of being with people at the same time. The intense pain and sorrow and fear explodes all at once inside me, yet I have to maintain my external composure so my M doesn't freak out. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till the feeling passes. My inner child is desperate to be comforted and loved consistently, not abandoned and neglected.

And that's another thing... my M. She said today that she noticed I've withdrawn and gotten more irritable and difficult to work with the last couple of weeks. I hate it when what I'm feeling inside gets so bad that I can no longer hide it on the outside. I told her I've just been preoccupied with work. Thankfully, she bought it. I made a point to not be too withdrawn today, because I really do care for her and I don't want to hurt her by pulling away too much. I've decided not to tell her about the cPTSD struggle because she would either not get it and try to fix me, or she would be heartbroken and go too soft on me. Plus she would tell my F, and since he has been a huge contributor to my trauma, he would NOT be a help. So I have to keep it inside for now. I hope someday there's someone who will understand and actually help, not just pretend to get it and tell me what to do to get better.

I saw a quote somewhere about PTSD that I really related to: "Some days are worse than others, but those good days don't mean we're 'better' or 'over it.' It's really not a thing you can just 'get over.' Moving past it takes time and a lot of effort." — Madison Dakota Chamberlain

I'm afraid if I told people, they might be sympathetic for a little while, expecting me to get better because I've told them. And while I'm sure talking to someone would be a help, I also am pretty sure some people would assume on the good days that I'm getting over it, then on the bad days blame me for relapsing. I'm not sure I could deal with that. But maybe I'm misjudging people. I can't risk it now... maybe someday.

Certain smells have been triggering me more lately. One that has been particularly painful is that the smell of spring brings me back to times when I was really happy and carefree and excited about the beauty of springtime, which makes me really sad because I'm such a different person now. I feel so disconnected from myself.

[Alice97]

One struggle I'm reluctant to talk about because I'm so confused about it is that I have this sense that I was sexually abused in my early childhood, but anytime I try to think back and remember, my mind just goes blank. It feels like the memory is there, but my brain won't give me permission to access it. I looked up some signs of *possible* sex abuse in childhood, and found an article that I identified with. I didn't even realize I had so many symptoms until I read the article. It was very enlightening. Of course the symptoms could just be related to the emotional abuse I've grown up with. I just want to take note of them here in case I recover a memory someday. Some of these symptoms are really embarrassing for me to admit, but they are true.

1. I began masturbating at an early age.
2. I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.
3. I was (and am) extremely preoccupied with thoughts of sex.
4. I can't stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.
5. I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.
6. I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.
7. I have an erotic response to abuse or anger (certain kinds of abuse and anger).
8. I had or have recurring dreams.
9. I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).
10. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom. (I remember feeling this way especially as a young girl)

11. I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.
12. I hate going to the dentist more than most people.
13. I neglect my teeth.
14. My mouth seems repulsive to me. (Make that ALL mouths. I'm not a normally queasy person - blood and other bodily fluids don't bother me. But I cannot stand saliva or anything to do with the human mouth)
15. I hate to have someone touch my hair.
16. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.
17. I don't like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.
18. I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.
19. I'm usually afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone, but I often get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.
20. Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.

21. I gag and choke easily.
22. Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don't go to the doctor.
23. I don't feel connected with my body.
24. I avoid looking in mirrors.
25. I prefer to wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.
26. I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.
27. I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly. A huge phobia for me, and not just the usual uncomfortable nervousness. Thinking about going to one makes me incredibly angry and terrified.
28. I have had gastrointestinal problems.
29. When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie. (Pretty much all the time)
30. I space out or daydream.

31. I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don't have.
32. I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.
33. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.
34. I don't know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.
35. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.
36. I feel the need to be perfect.
37. It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.
38. I often feel like I am being watched.
39. I get nervous when I am being watched.
40. I don't like surprises.

41. I startle easily.
42. When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.
43. Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind. (Sometimes, but I usually forget them afterwards)
44. I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.
45. I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.
46. I have the feeling that if I am happy, it's not real or won't last.
47. I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.
48. The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history. (This one is hugely true for me)
49. I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.
50. I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.

51. There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing. I also have a lot of trouble remembering what happened at what age.
52. Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.
53. I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I'm not real and everyone else is.
54. I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.
55. I have the feeling that I am crazy.
56. There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts (passive suicide).
57. Nothing seems very real sometimes.
58. I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.
59. I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.
60. I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. "It wasn't that bad."

So that list ended up way longer than I thought. Ugh, part of me really wants to know for sure while part of me desperately hopes it isn't so.

[Alice97]

I had another nightmare Saturday night. And not just the typical disturbing, bad dreams. This was the terrifying kind where I wake up and don't want to go back to sleep. In this dream, a tornado was coming towards my house, and I had to find a place where I might be safe, so I hid in the space between my bed and the wall (don't ask me why that seemed safe, dreams aren't logical). The tornado hit and started tearing apart the house, which started falling apart on top of me. I eventually woke up.

On another note, I was talking with my M yesterday, and she said when my kindergarten class went on a field trip to the county fair, I was terrified of going on the carousel. That would fit with all the irrational phobias I had as a child. Anyways, I am wondering if something traumatic (again, possibly molestation) happened before kindergarten, or possibly when I was a toddler? Which might explain why I wouldn't remember and why I had such incredible amounts of anxiety. And why I can never remember a time when I really felt safe for more than 5 minutes. And why I can't remember a time when I didn't suffer from depersonalization/derealization. But then again maybe I was just born with extreme anxiety which led to dissociation which led to depression which led to nightmares. The not knowing is driving me insane.        

[Alice97]

I've lost myself again... I hate this feeling of being detached from my own self.

How am I?
How am I coping?
What's going on inside my brain?

Self, where did you go? Where are you when I feel like I'm going insane and am completely detached from reality?? Why do you always abandon me when I'm at my lowest?    I need you. I need you to be stable when my emotions get carried away. I need you to be consistent when everything else in my life refuses to have any sort of stability. I need you!!  Desperately.

Okay... now that my Inner Critic has had her say, I need to remind myself of a few things.

1. My "Self" isn't gone forever, she is just taking a break for a bit.
2. She abandons me at my lowest because she knows she would destroy me if she were to be put through that much pain.
3. She will be back when the time is right.

Deep breath. 

Okay, I can do this.

How am I feeling?   

Detached. Very distant and unreal.
Afraid. Actually, deep down I'm terrified, if I'll allow myself to admit it. My Inner Child is begging for me to let her have a good cry.
Confused. Three members of my immediate family are Narcs, borderline sociopaths. 'Nuff said. But yet I don't get it. Why do I have all this pain? I'm an adult now. Not a helpless child. But I guess in a way that isn't true... that helpless child is still very present and just as (if not more) in need of an overdose of consistent love as she ever was.
Guilty. I've been lashing out in anger WAY more than I ever used to. And it's not like I have a tendency to be an angry person, either. I used to not be able to get angry at all. Literally, I could not get mad because I always saw the best in others. But now lately all of a sudden someone will do or say something, my brain sees it as a threat, then I lash out and desperately try to get away. Most days I can get it back under control quickly, but still, I've been lashing out enough that I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better.
Really, really sad.   I just want to disappear into nothingness. 
Lonely. I wish sometimes I could tell someone I have PTSD... but there would be way too much risk of it getting back to my parents, and I'm not sure I can take that risk. But I don't want to isolate either... I need someone to understand how much I'm really hurting, even on the days when I'm coping. I'm not just feeling blue, or a little bit anxious. But that's another problem, I can't even describe the pain in a way that does it justice. There's a great quote I came across yesterday:

"Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose, not because you don't trust them... but because you just can't find the words that will make them understand."

I also feel guilty because a part of me still feels like what I've been through isn't enough to deserve the diagnosis of PTSD (I haven't been officially diagnosed). Which also makes me feel weak and confused and ready to quit. 

How have you been sleeping?

I slept really hard last night, but I woke up in a really weird dream where I was trying to lay down and die, but these kids kept interrupting me. Not sure what that was about, but it kind of set a weird tone for my day.

As far as what's been happening to trigger all the negative turmoil inside me...

My F took a 4 day vacation out of state last week, so it was nice to have a relatively safe environment at home for a little while. But now that he's home again, there have been so many triggers that I am thoroughly exhausted and just want to run and hide. 

I'm in a ton of pain.
But I have to hide the pain from my M because she would either not get it and blame me or feel too much sympathy and try to fix me. Or both.
So I'm simultaneously walking on eggshells and masking that I feel totally comfortable and happy, pretty much all the time.

I'm not sure what the right way to handle myself is anymore. Growing up I learned that if you have problems you're supposed to tell your parents because they offer you safety. What do you do when they are the ones who have threatened your safety for 18 years???

[SeventhFold]

So sorry you are in so much pain, Alice97. I wish I could somehow send you a safe zone where you could shut yourself away and heal. I can't imagine trying to deal with all of this turmoil while still in the triggering environment. I'm decades out from my Original Horror Story, and still it overwhelms me sometimes. You have a lot of strength and courage, and I think you'll triumph in the end. Just remember to keep yourself safe!

[Alice97]

So sorry you are in so much pain, Alice97. I wish I could somehow send you a safe zone where you could shut yourself away and heal. I can't imagine trying to deal with all of this turmoil while still in the triggering environment. I'm decades out from my Original Horror Story, and still it overwhelms me sometimes. You have a lot of strength and courage, and I think you'll triumph in the end. Just remember to keep yourself safe!

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words.

[Alice97]

I am going to do my very best to list 20 things I'm grateful for. I need to be careful not to get too absorbed in my problems.

Here goes (in no particular order)...

1. Music. It helps me express and feel the things I don't understand, calms me, and grounds me.
2. Rain. I love rain. Like music, I find it incredibly soothing and calming.
3. My cats. They have a way of doing something hilarious when I need to laugh, or just curling up on my lap when I need comfort.
4. My faith. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't believe I have a purpose and that God values me.
5. This website. Being able to journal and ask for input here has been a tremendous help.
6. Exercise. It is an outlet for all my negative energy.
7. Crisis help lines. They have gotten me through some particularly dark nights.
8. My friend. She may not know or understand the depth of my pain, but she is there for me and sometimes that's all I need.
9. Love. Even though I don't feel like I've received enough, I'm glad love exists in the first place and still hope I will receive the love I need someday.
10. Pain. As horrible as it is, it has made me stronger, and has shown me my own weaknesses and where I need to grow.
11. Olan Rogers. He makes me laugh, even on the worst days.
12. Tacos. Need I say more?
13. Tears. Crying has an amazingly therapeutic effect.
14. The internet, and all the online resources for people recovering from abuse and mental illness.
15. Emojis. How on earth would I express myself without all the wonderful emojis?
16. Movies. For when I need to veg out and forget the real world for awhile.
17. Time. As rotten as today is, it will eventually pass.
18. Books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction -all of it.
19. Reflexology. Foot massages are wonderfully relaxing.
20. Lists. They help me keep my thoughts simple and organized.

[Alice97]

I am so tired. I had a good day at work -it was nice to have something productive to do. But I only worked half the day, and spent this afternoon running errands with my M. It's crazy how alone I feel in public. I feel ashamed and really sad and scared (all at once of course) because no one sees through my fake smile. No one knows I have PTSD. No one knows F is abusive. M won't even admit it unless things are really, really bad for a long time. No one knows I can't get rid of my suicidal thoughts, and it's getting easier to see that as a possible escape. It hurts so much to be so lonely....I feel like my mind is at war with itself, desperately needing help, yet pushing people away because I don't want to hurt them, and I am also afraid of rejection. I feel like there's a ticking time bomb in my heart and if anyone gets too close it will go off and destroy me and them.

I've also been zoning out a lot lately. I can't concentrate on anything. It interfered with work today, I felt like it took a ton of effort to not work in slow motion. I'm getting more forgetful. The cPTSD is always in the back of my mind, distracting me, taunting me, and holding me back. Some days I can keep it under control and actually find it easy to be productive. But most days are so triggering that it takes a lot just to get out of self-destruct mode. I have to get out of here... but I'm not sure how.

Oh and something that happened recently that I don't want to forget. . . I was in a class a couple days ago, and the instructor briefly mentioned child molestation. When he was talking about it, I had a sort of silent panic attack (dry eyes, heavy breathing, sick feeling of terror, etc.). I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything happened to me, just found it interesting.

I just have to get through tonight... and take life one day at a time.

[Alice97]

I'm back to being really confused again. My F is a covert N (emphasis on covert), and has been so incredibly inconsistent today... AGAIN. One minute he seems nice and the next it's obvious he is completely self absorbed and has no ability to feel empathy. I feel so bad saying this stuff because I really love him and would never want to betray him... but the truth is he created a very inconsistent and insecure environment for me to grow up in by saying a lot of the right things, yet doing the things he talks against behind closed doors, and then admitting he doesn't do what he says, and then back to being cold-hearted, and on and on and on. My M is still very much in the Fog. She started to come out of it a couple months ago when F gave her the silent treatment for 3 weeks, but then he turned around quickly after we had a long discussion, which you would think would make me happy, but he's done that so many times it's hard for me to believe it anymore when he goes from raging to nice and fake-affectionate. And the mind games he plays... oh my word it's ridiculous. "Crazy-making" really is a good way to describe it. You cannot disagree with him and come out alive. He is very intelligent and operates on a purely intellectual level, which means he also argues on an intellectual level, and thinks he has won when people can't come up with good answers to his objections to their objections, while we end up feeling guilty and like we've just been torn apart. I've decided to avoid disagreeing with him verbally entirely whenever possible. But my M still feels the need to "discuss" things with him -trying to reason with him and make him understand. I know she isn't consciously trying to fix him, but subconsciously it's obvious that she still has hope that he can change and she thinks he really does care he just doesn't know how to show it. Or she thinks he is just really insecure and just needs some affirmation and encouragement (that's the last thing he needs!!!). He may be masking insecurity with his narcissistic ways, but "encouraging" him does NOT make anything better. It temporarily makes him a little more tolerable to be around because someone complimented him, but in the long run it only feeds his ego.

I saw another quote that resonated with me yesterday (funny how a one-liner can explain so much so simply while I struggle to even realize what I'm feeling).

"Unpredictability and uncontrollability are the breeding grounds for PTSD." 

Whether what I've been through is this kind of abuse or that kind of PD or whatever the right diagnosis for my symptoms might be, I at least know for sure that those unpredictability and uncontrollability permeated my childhood, and it is OK to recognize that. Ugh, why is it so hard to give myself permission to struggle with cPTSD???

I'm so glad I started this journal. It's a relief to be able to process here, away from everyone and everything triggering.

[Alice97]

Today was a rotten day following a very long, exhausting week. I started the morning with my M telling me F is doing better (she has said that countless times when it's obvious he's not doing better he just happens to be acting nice for the moment). She said I need to be willing to interact with F more. I told her I will when it's reasonable, but there are some topics I refuse to discuss with him because it will turn into a debate and I can't handle any more of those. I get very discouraged when I have those conversations with her because she seems to think I'm avoiding F just because I'm mad at him or something. It isn't that, M, it's that when I'm around him I feel like the little girl who is terrified and unsettled and just wants to lay down and die. There's only so much a person can interact with someone that triggering without destroying themselves.

M also said that after one of her and F's arguments yesterday he asked her to be patient with him because he's still learning. I've heard that line too many times with little to no change to believe it. He is one of those people who you can't take at their word, but their actions speak volumes. I've opted just to dismiss those hoovering statements entirely. If he changes someday, great. Until then I have to be smart and safe about how much I interact with him. Today he was in a raging mood at my M again. This morning I was feeling really low, irritable, and sad. Then I had to spend the afternoon with F, which is extremely triggering and sends me into my freeze response and dissociation again. Especially when he is angry. I feel like I'm dying inside. This evening when my suicidal thoughts started overwhelming me again I turned up some of my favorite music for awhile, which helped. Music is one of the few things that helps me feel alive and well. It's a temporary fix but it does help offer an escape.

I'm also feeling the urge to isolate myself again. I just want to tell everyone I'm fine, create a fake happy me, and little by little isolate myself. And I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself but I feel like I might really hurt people when I'm like this, and I don't want to create more conflict. I know in my head that I need to be honest about how I'm doing with the few people who might be able to help, but I'm so scared I will fall apart completely if I do that. I also know it's hard for the family and friends of people with mental illness. I don't want to be one of those people.

There's a line from a movie "You fear that if you start the horrors might never stop..." or something like that. Yup, pretty much. I also still have this feeling that I was molested or something horrible in my early childhood, as some of my symptoms go back to before kindergarten, which was before F's emotional abuse would have affected me much. He was still my hero at that point. I'm scared that if I start to deal with stuff I know about from my past, I might get more than I asked for or can handle. It's probably an inaccurate paranoia, but maybe not. 

[healingjourney]

I'm sorry you had a hard day, Alice. I hope tomorrow things get better for you. One thing that is nice about growing up is that we have more choices and can defend ourselves against unhealthy situations by holding firm to our boundaries. We have to take care of ourselves however bad things get or however alone we may have felt in the past.

I'm glad that music helps you. It helps me also. Sometimes music in my car really helps get me through the day. I'm happy that I'm less numb now and can hear the sounds, the guitar and really savor it. It's little things we need to find to be grateful for when times are darkest.

I totally understand the isolation thing. I think I catch myself fantasizing about 3 days a week about where I can disappear to. I find that participating in group activities or a support system for my issues and voicing them to others who have similar problems gives me a feeling of togetherness. I'm starting to value togetherness more than solitude and this is helping motivate me to seek out others. Do you have a support system? I'm also feeling like I'm happier when I do something charitable for someone. It makes me realize my situation isn't so bad.

Best of luck on feeling better!

[sparklegarden]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds similar to what I went through (extreme passive aggression is just  ), and so it's really nice to hear that someone else gets it. So sorry that you're hurting now 

Also, do you have a link for the article on sexual abuse that you found? (don't search if you don't want to, but I just thought I'd ask)