Alice's Journal - Possible Triggers

[healingjourney]

Hi Alice-

There's no need to feel guilty for how you feel. There's no way you could have been responsible for things that you were made to experience at a young age- things that are literally burned into our brains in the form of synaptic pathways. The current state of affairs' influence on your present day feelings has limited ability to desensitize you to past trauma you experienced in your past, especially that trauma which occurred at too young an age for you to defend yourself in any way whatsoever. I heard somewhere that over 80% of personality is determined by experiences before the age of 5. Can you accept the incredible emotional fragility that places each of our emotional healthiness quotients into? I never could. But I'm starting to. I'm learning to see myself as less of a robot. I own 3 homes, have limited threats to my security today, and I can still be triggered into a cycle of despair by as little as a small change in my financial well-being. But I'm finding if I can pause myself in the moment, refocus my excess supply of energy into my feelings and my thinking about the situation, I can establish the trivial nature of the risks and regain awareness of the inner peace that exists somewhere inside myself often far from my instinct.

Can you do me a favor if it's not triggering for you and describe what dissociation entail? I've been trying to work with my therapist to understand if I experience dissociation and I don't know if I do. I read about it but don't know what it means. I think I do experience this but I think it is rare and normally I'm drawn to action before this occurs. I only dissociate I think when no solution appears in sight. I used to think this was just healthy daydreaming. But maybe I'm wrong... I hope you feel better in any event and I hope my experiences can shed some light on your confusion. This is a challenge we have to adapt to through constant effort. I think there are many joys to be celebrated if we do the work. There are some joys I can celebrate in my 30s that I never dreamed would exist in my 20s. I feel alive for the first time in 20 years. Keep your head up and retain hope for a better tomorrow.

[Alice97]

healingjourney - Thank you, I really needed to hear that. Thanks for validating how I feel and encouraging me to hope.

For me, dissociation involves both depersonalization (feeling detached from my body) and derealization (feeling detached from my surroundings, or as though they are distant or unreal). Both are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. When I'm in DR, everything around me feels unreachable and fake. It sounds weird but sometimes I'll reach out and touch things, yet not feel connected to them. It's so hard to explain... I guess I just feel really distant and like I'm not really present, if you know what I mean. When I'm in DP, I feel like I'm not even in my own body. I will look at myself in the mirror, and even though on an intellectual level I know it's me, I don't really feel like I recognize myself. I don't feel like I know the person in the reflection. It can be really scary sometimes. I hope that explanation helps a little, like I said it is really hard to explain it in a way that does it justice. I've also read that dissociation can be something a little easier to understand, like watching movies or getting busy with work as a way to escape from the pain and detach yourself from it for awhile.

[Alice97]

This morning I woke up out of a really bad nightmare (again). I had a few -some of trying to escape terrorist-like people, and then the one that woke me up, which was very much a flashback. In the dream F got really mad at my sister. He thought she was refusing to obey him, when really she was being compliant. I felt the need to defend her. After a few minutes of his really intense anger, he suddenly switched to being nice, which made me really angry because when he's angry at least I can identify what's happening and deal with it. But when he is all of a sudden nice, but without any real remorse for what he just finished doing, it makes me mad because it seems fake and superficial, and I know the anger is still lurking under the surface, just waiting to be triggered again. The nightmare was way too much like real life, and needless to say I woke up with quite the anxiety attack.

Just out of curiosity to anyone who might read this, if you have nightmares, do you often forget their content after you wake up? I know it's normal to forget regular dreams, but you would think that nightmares are vivid enough that you'd remember them? I forget most of my nightmares until something in waking life triggers a memory of them. I tend to remember the ones I have right before waking up, but forget the ones I have earlier in the night. Just curious if anyone else is like that.

[Three Roses]

Yes, I do forget some or all of a nightmare at times. Sometimes I only realize I had a nightmare but no other information - only a grey pall over the day.

[healingjourney]

This morning I woke up out of a really bad nightmare (again). I had a few -some of trying to escape terrorist-like people, and then the one that woke me up, which was very much a flashback. In the dream F got really mad at my sister. He thought she was refusing to obey him, when really she was being compliant. I felt the need to defend her. After a few minutes of his really intense anger, he suddenly switched to being nice, which made me really angry because when he's angry at least I can identify what's happening and deal with it. But when he is all of a sudden nice, but without any real remorse for what he just finished doing, it makes me mad because it seems fake and superficial, and I know the anger is still lurking under the surface, just waiting to be triggered again. The nightmare was way too much like real life, and needless to say I woke up with quite the anxiety attack.

Just out of curiosity to anyone who might read this, if you have nightmares, do you often forget their content after you wake up? I know it's normal to forget regular dreams, but you would think that nightmares are vivid enough that you'd remember them? I forget most of my nightmares until something in waking life triggers a memory of them. I tend to remember the ones I have right before waking up, but forget the ones I have earlier in the night. Just curious if anyone else is like that.

I have some of the most vivid nightmares sometimes and I sit awake for like 5 minutes afterwards promising myself they were real- that nothing this real has ever happened- but then I fall asleep and later that day don't even remember the dream like 95% of the time. Strangely, if I have sex close to going to sleep (like if I fall asleep right after) I have a dream I'm being attacked or murdered like 20% of the times I go to sleep. It always happens within 45 minutes of me being asleep. It's so awkward to wake up 45 minutes after you fell asleep.

[healingjourney]

healingjourney - Thank you, I really needed to hear that. Thanks for validating how I feel and encouraging me to hope.

For me, dissociation involves both depersonalization (feeling detached from my body) and derealization (feeling detached from my surroundings, or as though they are distant or unreal). Both are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. When I'm in DR, everything around me feels unreachable and fake. It sounds weird but sometimes I'll reach out and touch things, yet not feel connected to them. It's so hard to explain... I guess I just feel really distant and like I'm not really present, if you know what I mean. When I'm in DP, I feel like I'm not even in my own body. I will look at myself in the mirror, and even though on an intellectual level I know it's me, I don't really feel like I recognize myself. I don't feel like I know the person in the reflection. It can be really scary sometimes. I hope that explanation helps a little, like I said it is really hard to explain it in a way that does it justice. I've also read that dissociation can be something a little easier to understand, like watching movies or getting busy with work as a way to escape from the pain and detach yourself from it for awhile.

Thanks for your explanation, Alice. I think I experience derealization very infrequently. I'm not sure that my daydreaming when a problem becomes unsolvable qualifies- even if I do it for 10 minutes- or if that's just mental overload. I do sometimes feel derealization when someone asks me to do something I don't want to do and I like freeze up and don't reply and I am stuck in another place thinking about the risks- mostly imagined- in what is being asked of me. If that makes any sense...it does indeed sound complicated. I think you did a great job explaining it! I'm sorry you experience this so much- like my OCD it sounds like it would create a burden on daily responsibility!

[Alice97]

healingjourney -

Yes, it sounds like you experience a mild version of derealization sometimes. And yes it really does create a burden on daily responsibility. It makes it so hard to interact with people sometimes. I almost prefer "just" being depressed over being depressed and dissociated because I can at least identify and understand where emotional pain comes from. But dissociation is so weird and it makes everything harder.

[Alice97]

I've found that writing things out here really helps me process what's going on in my head, which is really confused and overwhelmed at the moment    It's really hard for me to be vulnerable and honest about how bad my PTSD is, but today I'm going to try something different and outline a typical day in my life. And I'm going to try not to chicken out of sharing the worst details. Ha. I call them "worst details" and then proceed to almost delete that sentence because I still feel like my life isn't that bad. *TRIGGER WARNING*

Here goes...

I wake up out of a restless night full of nightmares. I have a headache. Within 10 seconds I'm starting to have an anxiety attack. I start to shake and tremble. My breathing slows down. My heart beats irregularly. I have to force myself to swallow. I feel distant and unreal - completely detached. I wonder how  on earth I'm going to survive the day ahead.

I force myself out of bed, put on a smile, and try to lose myself in work and the day's activities. But triggers never fail to hit me out of nowhere. They always seem to know when the anxiety is starting to let up (usually around noon) and then they hit me with an overwhelming sadness and hopelessness as I'm again thrown back into the past. It can be something as small as a sound, a smell, or a person. My Inner Child reminds me just how much she's in pain. My Inner Critic blames me for keeping that pain to myself, and then tries to convince me it isn't that bad. In those moments, all I want to do is curl up and die.

I have numerous dissociation episodes throughout the day. Most days it's constant, with some parts of the day being more severe than others. Which adds to the feeling of isolation and makes me feel even more insane.

By late afternoon/evening I'm in desperate need of a break to listen to music, journal, or color. Something to release the pent up emotions of the day. I'm tired, wanting to sleep but knowing it won't be a restful sleep. I spend a couple hours trying to calm down enough to sleep... and then the suicidal thoughts hit me. The past couple of months they have been really bad and I'm really scared I'm going to end up doing it. I don't think I will for the sake of my family, but I've had way too many weak moments where it seems like a viable option lately. Anyways, I usually end up either sobbing uncontrollably or feeling so numb that I just don't care about anything at all. I'm not sure which is worse. The suicidal thoughts are probably what I'm most ashamed of.

Once I finally convince myself to stay alive through the night and exhaust myself with crying, I can finally manage to fall asleep. And then the nightmares start again, one after another. Sometimes just keeping me in a perpetual state of restless anxiety, other times waking me up with terrorizing images. And life goes on.


I do have good days sometimes where I don't have nightmares and I'm motivated to get out and make a difference in the world. But as I'm sure everyone here knows, having a good day doesn't necessarily mean I'm better or over it. It just means I had a good day.

[Three Roses]

    

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Each time I read posts like this, I am encouraged to a deeper level of honesty, so thank you. You're an inspiration.

I'm so sorry you are going thru that right now. No one should have to endure such pain. But I believe we'll get better!  There's healing for us - we weren't born with this, it was given to us.

[K92]

Alice! Oh my goodness do we have so very many things in common. I have a very similar dynamic in my parents, though they divorced when I was 7 (the legal battle lasted until I was 15). My father is a covert narcissist and my mother is mostly a delicate flower (though she has bipolar disorder) at her core. My dad abandoned me when I was 15 because I stood up to him about the abhorrent living conditions he subjected my younger brothers & I to while treating my older step sisters like princesses. I ended up trapped in an abusive, controlling relationship with my mother. I feel like an older version of you, sweet girl. Move out. Do it. It is daunting and scary and I'm sure they'll discourage you in 100 ways but you are a valid, sweet creature and you deserve to decide your own circumstances. Just know that moving out doesn't solve it. I'm 23, married, and travel the country for work with my husband and still find myself triggered by phone calls from my parents. My dad recently drove 5 hours in a dramatic gesture of wanting to be part of my life again, only to tell me he's too busy every time I've asked to see him since. That was in February.  We've got to create this sense of security in ourselves, I suppose. I always thought I was defective and didn't realize there were other people out there living what I live every day. Honestly I've lived my life in fear I was actually bipolar like my mom. It's almost a comfort to know its "only" c-ptsd. At least this I can confront. I just had to reply to you because your thread speaks straight to my soul. I'm with ya 100% on everything you've described. Somehow there's comfort in that. It's a little bit less lonely in the universe right now.

[Alice97]

K92 - Thank you sooooo much 

I'm not glad you're going through and have gone through the same stuff but it's nice to know someone else gets it, and that I'm not alone. And thanks for pushing me to move out - I agree that I really should. I just have to find a steady job to afford it and then I think I will. I have a really hard time doing what people (especially my parents) won't like though, so I'm going to need a ton of courage to actually walk out the door when the time comes.

[Alice97]

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Each time I read posts like this, I am encouraged to a deeper level of honesty, so thank you. You're an inspiration.

I'm so sorry you are going thru that right now. No one should have to endure such pain. But I believe we'll get better!  There's healing for us - we weren't born with this, it was given to us.

Thank you Three Roses    I'm so glad my post encouraged you to a deeper level of honesty. It makes me feel like I at least have some small purpose here And you are right - it was given to us. I really have to work on not blaming myself.

[K92]

It takes courage to go and it takes courage to stay gone. It probably took me three full years before I was finally free of their emotional manipulation enough to see a big difference in my quality of life. You've basically gotta break habits you formed as an infant, which is really, really hard. I recently moved back to my home town for 14 months and had the worlds biggest backslide in my emotional wellbeing. For me, at least, distance is pretty key in retaining control over my life. I also had to let go of a lot of the responsibility I felt toward my younger brothers. It's hard but it really is worth it. Every therapist I had as a child told me to get away but I just felt so obligated and I knew they'd be so disappointed and angry. Now they're pretty much always mad at me and it's almost made me numb to it. Somewhere deep inside my emotional self realized how ridiculous they really are. I don't know. Everyone has their own journey and their own path to growth & healing, I just want you to know it can be done and I believe you can do it!

[healingjourney]

My Inner Child reminds me just how much she's in pain. My Inner Critic blames me for keeping that pain to myself, and then tries to convince me it isn't that bad. In those moments, all I want to do is curl up and die.

By late afternoon/evening I'm in desperate need of a break to listen to music, journal, or color. Something to release the pent up emotions of the day. I'm tired, wanting to sleep but knowing it won't be a restful sleep. I spend a couple hours trying to calm down enough to sleep... and then the suicidal thoughts hit me. The past couple of months they have been really bad and I'm really scared I'm going to end up doing it. I don't think I will for the sake of my family, but I've had way too many weak moments where it seems like a viable option lately. Anyways, I usually end up either sobbing uncontrollably or feeling so numb that I just don't care about anything at all. I'm not sure which is worse. The suicidal thoughts are probably what I'm most ashamed of.

Alice, I'm sorry you're going through such an intense emotional struggle. Have you tried taking a bath or hot shower before you want to rest? What about letting yourself nap at random times? I've found I need to sneak in rest when I can get it and when I feel relaxed enough. Sleep makes such a difference in my mental health- I can take in more pleasure.

I totally relate to the suicidal thoughts and the guilt that immediately follows. I don't think we want to feel so injured emotionally. At times the hopelessness overwhelms and I just want the world to feel what I'm feeling- the loss of me; but that's selfish and my issue I need to take ownership of- the feelings. I'm so happy that you say you won't act on your thoughts. But perhaps think about other reasons why this world wants you in it- you're an excellent writer, you're empathic, and you're young. The world needs young people, their hopes and their dreams. Think about all the gifts you have, and how many people want to be near those gifts you possess. Realize your self worth beyond your family. You matter apart from them. Maybe find more people who remind you of this- here or elsewhere. And just think about the new gifts you might uncover tomorrow and how someone will come along and appreciate them.

I am working on defining a value system for myself. I think this will help me to conquer my suicidal thoughts. If I have all these things I see as valuable, then when I fail at X I succeed at Y. When person A tells me I'm bad I can look at my value C and how well I'm striving for it. I noticed that I'm missing a lot of self esteem and self value and I really crave for my own value system and need to find a belief that I matter for reasons beyond my accomplishments in someone else's eyes. I want my own accomplishment scale- a healthy one, not society's or my peers'.

I hope you have a good weekend.

[Alice97]

healingjourney -

Sometimes I take a bath and that does help. I can't take naps during the day because of work and because things are too crazy here most days for me to have time for that.

Defining a value system sounds like a great idea! I hope that helps you, maybe I'll try it.

For me the suicidal thoughts are more because I can't handle the PTSD anymore than because I feel worthless. But yes I do need to remember I have worth outside of my family. That's the only thing that will keep me here.

Thanks so much for your encouragement, I hope you have a good weekend too