New - suspecting that I have C-PTSD

[Rebel62]

In order to keep this as brief as possible I'm going to be very brief in my intro. My memories of my childhood consist of several clear memories of the abuse that my father terrorized my mother and my brothers and sisters with. My mother was the primary target, but no one was safe. I also have several (too many to counts) fragments of memories of abuse. I remember more about my teen years, but those memories are somewhat masked by use of pot and alcohol as a means to cope with the war zone I lived in. A significant event in my teen years was the death of my oldest brother when I was 14. My response to that event was to go into a state of mind where I did not speak for about 6 months, except to say yes, no, or most often, I don't know.

After turning 18 I managed to get myself into an abusive relationship, which I escaped from after 6 months, soon after that, in an anxious and panicky state of mind (I was terrified that my ex-boyfriend was going to come after me), I managed to convince an Air Force recruiter that I was mentally stable and soon after started a decade long stint with the US Air Force as a mechanic.  My Air Force years consisted of a lot of hard work and a lot of hard drinking.

After Desert Storm ended in 1991, there was a major cut in the Air Force ranks. My enlistment wasn't up until 96 or so, but my job, my rank was being cut, so I opted to put in for an early out. My request was approved and I moved back to my home town for a few months while I searched for an apartment in the area that I was going to college in. I studied Human Services/Social Sciences and during those years, while taking every psych class I could, I found myself trying to self-diagnose myself. I never settled on anything specific, but ruled out Bi-Polar, (then manic-depressive) Schizophrenia, major depression, ADD/ADHD, most of the personality disorders ect. I struggled with and finally ruled out Multiple Personality Disorder (now DID). I didn't find an answer, but the act of learning about different disorders, counseling, ect. helped me to change my coping mechanisms from drinking, to other non-self destructive things.

In 1997 I became pregnant with my daughter. While I no longer drank heavily prior to getting pregnant, once I suspected that I might be pregnant, I stopped drinking completely. My new coping mechanism became a process of what I call "zoning out" or "zoning in". Zoning out is my way of shutting off any stress or anxiety I am experiencing. a kind of self-meditation, but its kind of like dissociation too I think. "Zoning in" is my way of forcing myself to concentrate when I am trying to do something that requires complete concentration. I have used these as a coping mechanism for 18 years on a daily basis.

Two months ago my daughter attempted suicide, and has been diagnosed with major depression (possibly Bi-Polar II also) Anxiety Disorder and EDNOS. I was floored because I didn't see it coming and the last two months have been a horrible nightmare, trying to get her the help she needs, ending up being "the enemy" because the Eating Disorder has taken over and I am trying to battle the eating disorder.

Since this happened, my coping mechanism has stopped working. I can no longer zone out. When I try, instead of relaxing, I get more anxious, and the issues I am having with my daughter flood my mind and it makes it even worse, or I am flooded with the memories of the abuse I witnessed and received as a child, teen and young adult.  When I try to zone in, I can only hold my concentration for a couple minutes, as compared to hours prior to this. This has always primarily been used at work, so it is starting to impact my work.

So, after doing some research, I came across the term C-PTSD and I think a lot of this fits me. It's the closest fit I have ever found that explains what is going on with me.

Soon after my daughter's attempt I started seeing a counselor, primarily to work through what was going on with my daughter, and it has been helpful. Last week I changed direction with that therapy of the blue. At 53 years old I finally was able to tell someone I needed help with whatever was going on with me. I wish I had done it sooner and feel that my failure to do so, led indirectly to the issues that my daughter has experienced. I continue to struggle daily, just to keep it together enough to get through the day.  I think it's a positive thing that I am finally getting help, but at the same time I am afraid that this help will lead to eventually trying to find out what the fragmented memories are. I'm not sure I can handle knowing, but at the same time, have a feeling that I need to know what's there so that I can move beyond all this and actually become the real me. The person people see now is introverted, quiet, aloof, the real me, I think is totally different.  In the meantime I continue on, always on guard, always scoping out every room or building I walk into: where are the doors? where are the windows? If I'm going to need to sit, is there a seat available where no one can be behind me? I'm horrible is social situations. If more than one person is talking I can't follow the conversation.

Anyway -- I didn't mean this to be this long. I guess there is just no short way to explain it. This is just the tip of the iceburg. I hope that I can survive this, and more importantly, hope my daughter survives. Thanks for reading.

[Jdog]

Rebel62-

Welcome to OOTF.  You have been through quite a lot of stressful and painful life situations, all the while continuing to cope admirably.  I'm glad you have found a counselor and am hoping it is a really good fit for you.  You may find that the fragmented memories will not surface until you are ready to handle them, as that is the way the mind tends to protect us from sudden overwhelm.  If your counselor is a good one, he/she will also reinforce this with you.

Please feel free to post whenever you would like, and browse through the resources on the site.  Many of us have found solace in reading the work of psychotherapist Pete Walker, as he also is a member of the cptsd clan and writes eloquently of the pain and also strategies for overcoming it.

Once more, a very warm welcome to you.  BTW I am also in my 50's and didn't learn about cptsd until I was 55.

[Rebel62]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I think my therapist is good. I actually had a session with her yesterday and she wants to try a type of EMDR therapy, Tapping, but rather than using negative memories, work on instilling positive thoughts first. She wants to build up positive feelings first before we really dig into the negative stuff. I've read up on it a little and it sounds interesting. Actually going to read up on it some more. I also spent some time on Pete Walker's website and found it quite interesting. Thank you for the tip.

Yesterday was pretty rough. My daughter's final choral concert of her high school years was last night. I'm glad she was able to take part, but her parts were minimal for a senior, especially for someone who has been one of the top vocalists in the program for the last several years. I'm not sure if it bothered her or not, but it did kind of bother me. I'm sure it was out of concern for her ability to handle the stress, but it really was apparent that the other seniors got the spotlight while she didn't.  Today she departs for her senior trip, boy was that a battle with the school. Luckily  her MD and the School Social Worker went to bat for her as the principal and her guidance counselor didn't want her to go.

Take care!

[Jdog]

I'm glad your therapist is helping you find strength before diving into the scarier bits of your past.  Good idea.  And as for your daughter - what a tricky situation.  I am a high school teacher myself and see my share of kids who really go through stressful times.  I seem to be the "safe" teacher for some of the ones experiencing the greatest mental health challenges, and it is important to advocate for them.  Because of the work I have done and continue to do on myself, I am probably less judgemental than some who have not had to dig so deeply.  But every day is new, and I try to keep my heart open to the students and try to be "real" with them (while also keeping strong boundaries, because that is necessary for all concerned). 

Anyway, good work.  I know your work on yourself will also benefit your daughter, even though she has her own struggles which are not completely related to yours.  Hang in there, and know that the process of healing is not linear but will eventually get you where you need to go.

Glad you enjoyed Pete Walker.

[Rebel62]

Yes, I think it is very challenging for the school and I get that. The situation hasn't been handled well on their end though and I'm not very happy about that. When my daughter returned to school we had a meeting with the principal and her guidance counselor. They immediately tried to isolate her from her best friend (I talked to her best friends mother who told me that everything was fine and that if her friend started struggling with it she would let me know) and told her she couldn't go to the two teachers that she felt most comfortable with (both who knew what she had been through) for help because they had too much to do already.

A few weeks ago she had two days in a row with anxiety and panic attacks due to a disagreement with a friend. On the second day she went to the school social worker and he was very helpful. I spoke to him about a week later and I was shocked to find out that he had not been informed of what had happened (he knew she had been in the hospital for 2 weeks, but not why). He told me if he had known he would have set up times to talk to her and work with her. He's on board now, but he could have been working with her for an additional month. 

Just a tough situation all around.

Thanks for all your input, I appreciate it.

[Kizzie]

I can only imagine that your coping mechanisms are not working Rebel, dealing with your daughter's situation would be overwhelming for any parent, but add in layers of trauma from the past and it becomes too much to hold everything together in the same way we have been to get by. 

It's probably small comfort but despite how terrible you're feeling perhaps this is an opportunity to process that past trauma and make some space for more positive, healthier living. I am almost 60 and finally reached out for help a couple of years ago when I simply could not function.  Lots of decades of getting by, hiding what was going on inside.  While those past experiences are awful, they are over and I am beginning to see that, feel that at a deeper level as I recover.  Not easy but better than just getting through each day as I had been. 

There's some information here about trauma informed treatment for complex PTSD specifically - http://www.outofthestorm.website/treatment/ and some downloads you might find helpful.