Laughter as medicine.

[Dutch Uncle]

This YouTube Vlogster is awesome.

Narcissists are Laughable: Emotional Detachment/Reverse Discourse.

I must say that from personal experience I know how much this can help.
Unfortunately this doesn't negate the fact that the EF's will still kick in at times, even if one has 'laughed it off' at times, but it is a helpful tool nonetheless IMHO.
At the very least it can bring temporary relief.

It also reminds me of another useful 'trick': Since the human brain is wired to 'mirror' emotions expressed by facial expressions, it can help to look at yourself in the mirror and put on a 'fake smile'. Do this as relaxed as possible. It doesn't have to be a big grin or an expression of hilarious laughter, just a faint satisfactory expression will do. After some minutes you'll feel your mood lift.
( The reverse is also true. If you spread your eyes wide open and open your mouth a bit (the expression of startlement or fear) you'll notice after a few minutes you will start to feel really uncomfortable. I picked that exercise up in a (unrelated) book and tried the reverse, which worked.)

I guess that's why the  smiley is one of my favorites.

[Dutch Uncle]

A small revolution is brewing in the Humanistic Association I'm a member of.

A month or so a go there was the Annual Members Assembly. To my surprise an (apparent already entrenched) rift emerged, and the chairman's position was challenged as he was up for a new term. This was a bit sneaky, as the opponent only announced his intentions 15 minutes before the Assembly met. So the whole vote had to be improvised on the spot.

The challenge failed, opponent stayed grumpy, and he posted he rather scathing article in the associations quarterly. He asked for replies, which I did. He didn't get much appreciation from me, though I did share some of his concerns about the direction the association seemed to be going. But while he had presented himself as the solution, my reply was more in vein of him being a grumpy old man and actually being the problem himself. And some of his 'retinue', although I have the feeling he is actually the foot-soldier (Flying Monkey) of a rather bombastic authoritarian know-it-all who has been stealing the show since a few meters have apparently left.
I didn't summarize it that short, but I made it quite clear that I was of the opinion his proposals would only make things worse, instead of returning to what was a pleasant association. You all probably have an idea on how I would have presented my case. 

The chairman phoned me this week, and on friday we made an appointment for a phone-conversation on the matter. He would phone me today  "at the end of the morning". At 12:45 I phoned him, as I was impatiently waiting. He didn't answer, and I left a message.

At 13:30 I tried again, and he answered the phone. He was watching softball with his daughter, and wouldn't be available for another half hour. If he could call me back then.
"Ehrmmm..., no, actually." I answered (Yay for boundaries!), and reiterated the fact he had said he would phone me before noon. "I have been waiting", I added, truthfully.
He started to chicken out, saying "things can interfere, don't they?" "Yes," I said, "but you can let me know, don't you?"
"Well, I can't talk now, so it's either in half an hour or not at all" 
Mind you, he wanted to speak to me. I had already said all I needed to say in my reply to Mr. Revolution. Which I had also said to the chairman when we agreed on this phone call: "I don't have anything to add, I think I have been clear, but if you want to have a conversation about it, fine." Yes, I had been clear, he confirmed, but he wanted to have a follow up conversation...
"And now stop whining", he said as if he was speaking to a small child.
"Well, in that case: not." I answered.
He hang up.

I'm laughing my butt of.
And I'm beginning to see why a revolution is brewing within the inner ranks...

[Three Roses]

This reminds me of the adage, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." 

[Dutch Uncle]

Yeah, that's a goldie.

[MaryAnn]

HI DU,

Thank you for the story.... I wish I had been a fly on the wall for that meeting and the phone call.  Laughter is medicine.  Just from knowing your sense of humor, I can picture this all playing out in my head and it made me laugh out loud, no triggers in this one for me.  It brightened my day!

Lol,
MaryAnn

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi MaryAnn,

The quote you have by Mary Angelou is also quite fitting here. 
The "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." is also from her.
As I see them side by side, I actually think they are closely related, and may even hold a clue for our recovery: believe your own feelings when someone shows you who they are, the Red Flags. Not the gaslighting and twisted 'logic'.

[MaryAnn]

Agree whole heartedly.  I have always loved Maya Angelou writings but it seems that only in the last few years that I have actually comprehended her words and allowed them to affect me.  It has been 2 years since Maya passed away but she is still so ever present because of her meaningful writings.

She said,
"Most people don't grow up. It's too damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That's the truth of it. They honor their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children, but they don't grow up."

I realized along the way that I had disassociated to the point that I did not allow myself to feel anything in order to deal with problems and crisis, seem like a rock over the years.  I appeared resilient and used laughter to suppress any other feelings.  Always told people that if I didn't laugh, I would go crazy.  Well, it got to a point that even the laughter was not enough.  As a result of my lack of real growth as an individual, the suppression of feelings and putting the burden on myself to  take the responsibility and blame for everything, I finally broke.  I understand Maya now like I never had before and with the help of several friends and Maya's writings, I am finally growing up, changing and getting stronger one day at a time.   I see my family with a completely different perspective and while I would not say that I will ever forgive them, I also no longer blame them.  They are products of their environments and have never come to the realization that they actually have never grown up and stopped learning somewhere along the way.   I have always enjoyed learning but I had neglected the one area that I needed to the learn the most, the one about myself!

Thank you DU, as you are one of those several friends that have helped me to learn, grow, and build the solid foundation that I have never had.  I realize the past will always be there but I need to take the best parts of it, how it has made me who I am today, and make the most of the present and future.  I know I will make mistakes and setbacks along the way but hopefully I will have the courage to not allow them to defeat me.

Lol,
MaryAnn 

[Dutch Uncle]

 

Thank you DU, as you are one of those several friends that have helped me to learn, grow, and build the solid foundation that I have never had.  I realize the past will always be there but I need to take the best parts of it, how it has made me who I am today, and make the most of the present and future.  I know I will make mistakes and setbacks along the way but hopefully I will have the courage to not allow them to defeat me.

Thanks you for your kind words, they are an encouragement to me. Do know that the feeling is mutual, you are a pleasure to have around. I'm glad we have met.

[Dutch Uncle]

LOL, this is becoming a soap-opera. One that I can use for my own recovery in the process.

I have now definitely identified the grumpy old challenger of the president of the society as a High-Conflict Person. The kind of persons I need to weed out of my life, and to whom I should set proper boundaries, with No Contact as a proper tool.

The other day I received a mail from him, with me being part of a larger group of addressees. Apparently the feud between "Grumpy" and the president has not abated, and heated mails and phonecalls have been exchanged, and "Grumpy" results to gossip/exposing the president. The president is also not completely fresh, as I have told.

I asked "Grumpy" to remove me from the mailing list, as "I have nothing to do with this".
So "Grumpy" took it to himself to say I had everything to do with it (= Boundary Bust #1), and said I had been the "Helper" (Aide) of the Board, as I had been one of two members who had overseen the voting process. Thereby insinuating I had been working 'in tandem' with the Board/for the Board.
I rebutted to him this certainly had not been the case, as my role had been a service to the members of the society, that I (in the meeting in which the vote had come up) had been accountable only to the members, not the Board, and had done so. Which is off course exactly how thing are done, that's precisely the reason the Board asks for volunteers among the members to oversee the election. The 'election-committee' is independent.
So I said to "Grumpy" I expected an apology for his insinuations (I possibly could have even said 'accusations'), publicly to all who were on the mailing list.

This morning I got a lengthy reply (with what I have seen referred to as 'word-salad', LOL. Nonsensical tangents, repetitions, etc.) where said he would not apologize, whether he was right or wrong. OK, "Helper" had 'apparently' upset me (fauxpology) and he possibly could change it to "assistant" (of the Board). Would that appease me? LOL.
So I mailed him (and the lot) back: "That's clear message you're sending me. I'm done speaking with you."

Then the reply came (he is thus still Boundary Busting) that he "would be happy to apologize" ( ), and that now he is pissed as I have said he made insinuations, and am now 'chickening out' without further explenation. 
Ehrrmmm, I just did in the last reply, Grumpy... 

Oh boy...
Well, I'm not replying (all this started out by me simply requesting not to get involved in business that isn't my business, the whole mess before had nothing to do with the elections. Well, probably in a passive-aggressive way, yes it does, the "Grumpy Old Toddler" didn't get his cookie/presidency), but oh boy, this is educational for me.

To break it down:
I get an unsolicited mail (spam).
I ask to get removed fro the mailing list.
I get personally attacked, over something unrelated.
I demand an apology.
This is refused, "whether what I (=Grumpy) have said was right or wrong. I'll stick to it anyway."
I say: "Bye!"
Now an apology can be had, provided I can prove him wrong.

Do you think he's baiting me?

[Three Roses]

Most definitely, he is baiting you! Maybe his cookie isn't the presidency, it's conflict. Maybe he gets a "rush" out of stirring up trouble.

[Dutch Uncle]

Let's deny him both. 

Thanks!