Here we go again...narcissist #9, #9, #9...

[Sienna]

Sorry Artemis23 for this...
I just re-read Contessa, ah, this is so sad, i really feel for you, I'm  so sorry.
I used to be able to read the signs and stay away from toxic people, but now I let them in more easily because i'm desperate to find a safe anchor to replace the family.
That hole there, ummm. It wants filling doesnt it. I understand desperation. Its very painful, its like an ache, well, it is an ache to me.
Maybe you are self punishing, self destructing, by intentionally hurting yourself- if it is intentional that is. If you are seeing the signs but ignoring them.
But you know what...i got this this guy who sexually assaulted me and i froze and let him continue, out of fear, but i was also afraid that the *love and closeness* with him would stop if i didnt do what he wanted.
The desperation for closeness and to fill this aching hole over took me, even though i knew logically before i did, that i should not try to get close to him.

[Sienna]

ps. i think you figured that one out for yourself Contessa! You are amazing!

[Contessa]

Sienna,

That hole there, ummm. It wants filling doesnt it. I understand desperation. Its very painful, its like an ache, well, it is an ache to me.
Maybe you are self punishing, self destructing, by intentionally hurting yourself- if it is intentional that is. If you are seeing the signs but ignoring them.
But you know what...i got this this guy who sexually assaulted me and i froze and let him continue, out of fear, but i was also afraid that the *love and closeness* with him would stop if i didnt do what he wanted.
The desperation for closeness and to fill this aching hole over took me, even though i knew logically before i did, that i should not try to get close to him.

Are we the same person? Haha. You said everything.
When I was ignored by my family, I considered myself very lucky to have had a boyfriend who could put his arms around me when I needed that hug.

Problem was, I knew him before all of it happened, and he was someone I had absolutely no intention to be involved with. Ever. I could read and listen to the signs. When all the stuff happened, he was the only one to show me any form of support or care. This was the first time I had ever thought that maybe I misjudged a person. I let him in. And he did sexually assault me as I had thought he would. I did assert myself of course, but he didn't listen. So I did what I would never, ever normally do, and that was put up with it. Because if I didn't have that, I had nothing.

That was when the old me, the girl I loved being, died.

Such a sad thing, but, there's seems to be a glimmer of hope for a resurrection at present.

Nice warm hug Sienna!!

[Contessa]

I can't believe this happened again. Fortunately, I find him disgusting and I'm not in love with him. I thought I was in love with the person he pretended to be while he was mirroring me and lying, but now that person looks disgusting as well considering he was acting. He is a lecherous, gross, pathetic, and ugly person and I'm not going to internalize any shame or feelings that should belong to him. I'm just dealing with my triggers. Really he is a drop in the ocean of trauma I have survived and not a very significant one, except for the fact that he gave me more great insights about myself and helped me to care for myself and love myself better than ever. So I am the winner here anyways, while he is doomed to repeat this pattern, and never feel love or any real emotions besides rage and envy for the rest of his life.

You're a fighter Artemis23! Your strength is inspirational, and you are definitely the winner in every way. 

[Contessa]

Sorry to hear that artemis23. Sent you a little PM, feel free to do as you wish with it.

[Sienna]

Hey Contessa,
I do feel that we have a lot in common- i relate to you a lot, so its amazing you should say that, because i was thinking the exact same thing!

When I was ignored by my family, I considered myself very lucky to have had a boyfriend who could put his arms around me when I needed that hug.
Being ignored is just awful. You do not deserve that from your FOO and i cant tell you how saddened i am by hearing that, and how sorry i am.
My X invaded my boundries- only back then i didnt know what he was doing.
He tried to break my trauma defences.
I thought he was being loving and caring and helpful. I didnt realise it was an invasion of boundaries, and an act of intimidation as i was used to being ignored / emotionally abused.

When all the stuff happened, he was the only one to show me any form of support or care.
Yes, i understand totally. Being alone, with no support, being in crisis, that can make us go to the only available person there is.

This was the first time I had ever thought that maybe I misjudged a person. I let him in. And he did sexually assault me as I had thought he would. I did assert myself of course, but he didn't listen. So I did what I would never, ever normally do, and that was put up with it. Because if I didn't have that, I had nothing.
Im sorry you were sexually assaulted. You do sound like me. I asserted myself too. T said it wasnt my fault as i blamed myself for not being assertive enough. I froze and when i said multiple times to stop, he carried on and i ended up freezing some more. Its so sad isn't it, that we have nothing, so we put up with. For me, that is like my childhood.

That was when the old me, the girl I loved being, died.
Do you mind explaining this some more? Were you more assertive before the assault?
Do you think she is still in you somewhere? I have heard that, a part of us, our inner child, though wounded, is still pure and as she was, or as she should of been. That there is hope that she will come back with healing.

How do  you mean about the hope of resurrection?

Big hugs to you too. 

[Contessa]

Hey thanks Sienna, we do seem very similar don't we!

Do you mind explaining this some more? Were you more assertive before the assault?
Do you think she is still in you somewhere? I have heard that, a part of us, our inner child, though wounded, is still pure and as she was, or as she should of been. That there is hope that she will come back with healing.

How do  you mean about the hope of resurrection?

Yes I was assertive. It was of course a skill I learned (not natural), but I was. I had professional duty of care for goodness knows how many children, I had to be assertive to look after them. That filtered through to everything outside of school. So when I was assertive about things that were not at all respected, it was a bit of a hit to be honest. Being assertive meant being in control. If I was being ignored... I had no control. I didn't know what to do, I had spoken up, and my request was not being respected. If someone doesn't like something you do, you stop.

But my stalker didn't, so I had to step up my game and fight. My family didn't, and that led to fights as well by not giving in to their need to dictate how I should live. I was already at the very beginning of a new university degree, so I had to try and settle in with all of this happening, juggle that with teaching work as I hadn't told anybody at school yet, and make sure I was presenting myself the way I wanted to there. I was fighting or putting on a face for everything else, it was exhausting. He was the only person I didn't want to fight. So I was myself with him, and was not respected.

Then I went through that b*tchy phase after, and was well and truly the polar opposite behaviourally, and the behaviour and attitude lasted for a while. My T thinks the old me still lives, and she seems to be popping up here and there. That's what I mean by resurrection.

Hope that makes sense.

[Contessa]

Really sorry Artemis23... really selfish of me.

How are things coming along with you now? Is he leaving you alone?