Here we go again...narcissist #9, #9, #9...

[artemis23]

This post has been removed.

[Dutch Uncle]

  to you, dear artemis23. What a tough spot you find yourself in.

thanks for being my witness...the more I say this out loud the more I want to be as far as possible from him...and the more I believe myself.

Great. Hold that thought/feeling. You got this covered. 

Enter this new guy who seems just amazing for a couple of weeks. But then, the red flags start to trickle in, one after another. He seems a bit aggressive with my dog. He is starting to break promises. He is apologizing when I call him out on something but then repeating the hurtful behavior.

Good call! Well done.

So sick of this pattern. He is a super sneaky one, perhaps the best mask I've seen so far, covert narcissist with probable malignant behaviors.

Yet, you saw through it in just three weeks... Which shows your skills. 

I've cut him off and lied and said I got my period. I think he's a real psycho, and boy am I all too familiar with those. [...] What a pain! I can't have a baby with him. Just hoping and praying I'm not pregnant. But perhaps many of you ladies out there know that when you know, you just do. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I think he impregnated me after knowing ahead of time that an abortion would destroy me.

What a predicament. Even though I'm not a woman, so I can't say I can relate, yet I can and do empathize.
I hope and wish the possible pregnancy will end in the way that feels best for you.
I hope and wish nature will be on your side and you'll have your period soon, but if it comes to having to making a choice I'll back you up. Either way.

again.

[Ronin]

Nothing insightful to add. I just wanted to let you know that I hate this for you and wish that you weren't having to experience it.

[arpy1]

just wanted to say that i think you have  been very wise and that shows how much less of a victim you are than you perhaps used to be. you recognised the patterns within a few short weeks.  that's got to be encouraging, if you're anythin like me, it has always taken months or years to get to the point you are at now with this relationship.  so not such an easy target any more!  amazing! i would try and keep hold of my confidence and trust my instincts here. i take my hat off to you for the way you have dealt with this, horrible tho it is and deeply upsetting for you.   

[Catcatwaters]

You know the answers. You spelled it all out. I love the insight about how you entered into the relationship during a trigger period. Think on that and don't repeat the pattern if you can help it. I have found myself repeating the pattern of attempting relationships to have some type of belonging. I will let go of all fear (simply because I lived in and faced fear daily for many years) and try to make friends with a rattlesnake!!! Yes I can do it... But who ever said the snake wouldn't bite me while he seemed to be smiling back at me? Just because I told the snake I wouldn't bite him doesn't mean he wouldn't bite me. We must take responsibility for our own security and stability. A life in moderation is often times foreign to someone who is raised in extremes. A normal, even, regular life can seem boring. If we place our life (and contraception) in others hands, we can't expect they will handle us with care. But..... Did you want to be handled with care??? What were your real motivations? We all have to stop and ask ourselves these types of questions so that we can help regulate our emotional responses. Oh... And boundaries??? We know little about boundaries.

All my true caring and love to you all. Such heartfelt topics. Xox.

[Danaus plexippus]

What a  he should have been aborted!

Simplifying your life, avoid complications and drama. I'm living with cPDSD among other things. Seek out what calms you down so you can make decisions in your right mind, not your cPDSD mind. Sometimes we are drawn to the bad boys because they fill the need for excitement. I attract (and am attracted to) Peter Pans. They're fun but definitely not good enough to be the father of my children. You're learning your lessons in life the hard way, but you're young yet. There is so much you can do with your life with or without a child. I hope you have a good job and health insurance. Get yourself checked out at Planned Parenthood. Who knows what else this  may have left you with.   

[Sienna]

Hey artemis23,
Triggers galore indeed.
Just had to read when i saw the title of your post.
What an awful situation you are in. I am so sorry and empathise so much with what you have described that happened to you (apart from never having been pregnant)

Im sorry he was aggressive with your dog. Its very upsetting to see. My x was like this a few times too.
And breaking promises- yup.
This:
He is apologizing when I call him out on something but then repeating the hurtful behavior. He seems emotionally detached, in person.
(you are helping me to see that my own observation of my narc was not crazy)
your putting into words the behaviour he did.

Its great that you noticed the red flags...do you mind me asking...
did you notice them when you were in the relationship or after?
I find that i see them, but i dont trust my intuition and your mind can get warped and twisted so you believe its yourself with the problem, and then you can't see clearly.

Ok, now onto the points i wanted to say....
How extremely hurtful- as if he hasnt done enough damage.
Maybe he wants you to terminate your pregnancey-
but I'm wondering, if he asked you how you feel about it...and asked you what *you* want.
I know that with narcs- they make it so that its *about them*
And how offensive- your child- his child- he wants you to terminate!

Then he's pressuring me into sex, and he knows my history.
Yes, I'm sorry. I had this too, and this is sexual abuse.
How insensitive and inconsiderate and selfish of him.
You may be right in that he might have planned this pregnancy...or lured you / pressured you into it...maybe unsafe sex....
so that he can be hurtful to you telling you to terminate it, and or, not being involved in your child's life...which might hurt you.
It is his choice to not be involved- either by walking away, being absent...or forcing you to make that choice to cut him out.
As I'm thinking...that maybe you would want him to be involved if he was a decent guy and capable of being a decent father, weather you were both in a romantic relationship or not.

I am glad that youve cut him off. I understand being sick of the pattern. I hope one day, we can help ourselves, so that we dont carry on being attracted, or actually being able to hit the stop button before *getting with* people like this.

Yes, during CPTSD flare up judgement isn't always good when your experiencing flashbacks, and narcs sway your judgment by the very nature of their being from the moment they enter your life. They are so convincing.
I totally understand not being able to trust yourself.
Its like, were a walking magnet for these types.
My only hope is that we can learn to get better at trusting our intuition, and defending against these people with healthy boundaries to keep us safe.
It seems like we are at the same point on this right now in life.

Part of me will always wonder if I just put him under a great big microscope and am totally wrong. It's horrible...- i know- aparently they have a way of leaving the other person confused, doubting themselves = doubting their perceptions of what happened and of that person.

I do believe everything your saying. I want you to know that. I know how crazy it is being involved with these types.
And i believe your very strong and brave, even if you dont feel it at times. You have been through so much...and i think you are amazing to be here.
I would encourage you, if you would like to, to keep talking, to keep reaching out. Theres others out there that do understand.

I hope your doing ok. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank the Goddess, I'm not pregnant. Spent the weekend in excruciating pain having a miscarriage (very early).

I'm sorry to hear the process included so much pain, but am also happy the pregnancy has ended. I hope that's OK with you.

I let him into my home to take care of me for a say or so and this was a terrible choice. amore manipulation. To be honest, I wonder that he isn't an actual psychopath. I mean, I feel like he is. It's so hard to trust myself. I've cut it off again and I think he;s really pulled away now. They do that, just evaporate one day into thin air. Fingers crossed here. It's amazing how incredibly triggering relationships are for me. I feel like I'm just seeing myself for the first time.

I don't want to sound too 'paternal', but do make it your business to keep him away. As quick as he may evaporate, as quick he may 'materialize' again. Keep him out. You figured him out in three weeks, excellent, believe yourself.
Take the last time he visited you as a repayment for how he has hurt you and cut your losses and cut him out. For good. For ever.
You know you will be doing yourself a favor with this, it's very clear from what you have written here on this relationship and this guy. Read your own posts on this again whenever you are in doubt, or whenever you even had a coffee or text-massage with/from him.

Little things he would do send me into panic inside. Just the way he would move or a look in his eye and I'm having a flashback. I feel like I'm in constant hyper vigilance. Something is wrong with me, I keep putting myself in these situations with psychos just to see if I can figure them out. Just to see if I'm right. What is that about? I could be seriously harmed here but the lack of judgement still occurs. He showed up at my house a couple of times and I saw the rage bubbling under the mask. Felt it.

Nothing is wrong with you, and probably (but this is my amateur diagnosis from somebody "who knows the drill" ) you just want to be proven wrong. Wrong about him. But you're not, and you're not wrong for sniffing out these psychopaths. Nobody wants to know they are among us. Nobody wants to know they "have been had". But we were. It's not us, it's them. Trust yourself, this has been a validating experience of your gut-feeling, your intuition. Your experience.
Every human learns through experience, not from text-books. Text-books help, (self-)education is important and worthwhile, but the actual learning is done in experience. Alas, we on this forum, we of this community have experience with these types, most people not. Fortunate for them.

I'm not sure I can ever feel safe in a relationship. I'm also unsure that I can feel like a full person. I feel so damaged, and seeing myself in relationship at all during the past four years just affirms that. I'm so far unable to succeed at life in general or take care of myself. I have to live with my parents and can't hold a job. Besides CPTSD I have a host of other debilitating physical conditions that also go relatively unseen and earn me a lot of resentment from even those with the best intentions. I'm so tired of all this.

Yes, I know the feeling. But you may rest now. Another psychopath evaded. Well done. Off course you are tired now, you have had a tough struggle behind you. But you got there. Not pregnant, nothing to tie you to this guy. Another threat left behind. Free again. Breathe freely.

[Danaus plexippus]

Like Healing Journey, I find at our respective ages most of the good ones are taken. My only romance is with my dearly departed husband. I date, but I'm upfront about the no screwing around bit. Romance is wonderful but genuine friends are indispensable, especially to a widow.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Wow. I'm so happy for you! 

I recently discovered Shahid Arabi's YouTube channel Self Care Haven where she breaks down the stuff she writes on in her books in short video's. She rocks!

[Contessa]

I read your post with great interest Artemis23, as I also just went through something very similar. I couldn't agree more that you have such wisdom to not only recognise the signs but act on them where others might not have. Very difficult to do, but very gutsy.

[Sienna]

HeyArtemis23, just catching up.

I hope you are still doing well?
I related to your story (only did not get pregnant)...so I'm really glad to hear that you were doing better, and thanks for posting a link to the book. Am going to read that.

I'm inundating myself with lots of supportive resources and balancing those with self care. Oh. My. Gosh. I completely forgot how intense this all can be
This is great. i hope you can keep it up.

I think you can know all about narcissism, and you can have narcissist figured out, but when it happens to you, our trauma defences and reactions come into play and we end up getting sucked back in..and freezing..fawning..whatever!..within the relationship.
I do not think that knowing facts alone will help stop this pattern, but that grieving etc. will. (Don't know where you are in your recovery journey).
But yes, i know the feeling to feel you have been duped again, despite learning so much before.

I like this, heard it before.
"A narcissist's true nightmare is a survivor who is able to transcend the abuse and use it to empower himself or herself. That is the type of revenge that last's a lifetime."

Its great that you said stuff to him about his abusive tactics. You sound like me. I had to say stuff to my partner and we had lots of arguments and i hated him.
I was too angry to just let it go. I did end up avoiding him and disassociating...but i was so mad with him and tried to fix him and the relationship.

Trigger Warning ****

I do hope the self blame does not return. I hope you dont mind me saying this...but it likely is your parents / caregivers who set you up for this kind of abuse.
You do not deserve that.
I think it does suck that we are the ones who now as adults, have to sort out ourselves and our self protection / boundaries etc. because know one is going to do it for us. We didnt break ourselves, so why do we have to be the ones to fix us?!
But we do..but that does not mean that it is your fault or that you are to blame. Being abused by others first, leads to more abuse by similar types as they programmed us to accept future abuse.
Sorry if you know that already.

I hope you are taking care. You no doubt need lots of love right now. 

[Contessa]

I hope you dont mind me saying this...but it likely is your parents / caregivers who set you up for this kind of abuse.
You do not deserve that.
I think it does suck that we are the ones who now as adults, have to sort out ourselves and our self protection / boundaries etc.

A very salient point Sienna. My parents are my biggest supporters right now, but you are right in that the upbringing, the values learned at the time do set us up for it. In my case, I was able to successfully 'rewire' my brain at at school, and establish healthy boundaries to protect myself. But I can see now that my siblings have a very consolidated warped view of what it is to show care for others. When my world came crashing down, the lack of support I had from them (because they aren't capable of it), meant the protection I thought I had through them did not actually exist. Thus a new search for safety ensued, meaning a shift of boundaries to let others in for an effort of love... which I think Sienna, explains why I was thinking of douchy-narcy x.

I used to be able to read the signs and stay away from toxic people, but now I let them in more easily because i'm desperate to find a safe anchor to replace the family. Wow you're good Sienna.

Artemis23
So sorry the temporary restraining order has not been implemented. Its a tonne of effort, energy and I assume money, on your part to get that far - dealing with him and navigating the justice system, gathering all of your evidence for the hearing, taking you away from the things you would prefer to be doing, or things you have committed yourself to - only to suffer a set back at this point. You're the one out of everyone, who needs the break, not more work.

I hope he does move on. I had a stalker flatmate (think 'Single White Female') whom I had to escape from, who did not leave me alone after I left. It was quite violent. Unfortunately she knew where my parents lived and so I would receive special gifts and letters left in their driveway when I did not return any communication from her. When I did have to see a solicitor/lawyer, his advice was to not pursue an AVO (apprehended violence order, the equivalent of a restraining order), because he believed that in her obsession with me, and need to have a relationship with me, if it wasn't going to be a good one, she would do anything to even have a bad one. Going to court, and seeing her to get the AVO would be feeding that warped need for a relationship, keep me in her mind, require the exchange of information which may lead her to know where I had moved to, and therefore be an avenue perpetuate the stalking... after a stern correpondence to her from him, and a creative mysterious attempt at panel beating on my car a few months later on a visit to my parents, everything has been golden (in regard to her) since. A bit of a gamble I know, but without me in the picture someone else would have taken my place to focus on, sadly.

Artemis23, can you use the creepy cyber stalking things as evidence on Monday? Are you in a position to move house?

I know our situations are not entirely in parallel but I know you are exhausted. I hope this ends soon for you. I hope you get that restraining order, and I hope the consequences are just if he breaches the order. I hope he doesn't show up and that you can still get that order. I hope he leaves you alone!

[Sienna]

Oh my gosh Artemisis23, I'm so sorry honey.
that really really sucks. Sending you huge hugs. 

Why on earth hasnt it been served?? I wonder if he played them and now they dont think he did what he did, or that he is capable of what he is.
I wonder if police people - these people - understand narcissism. If the dont, i imagine things could go incredibly wrong, which really sucks.
Yes, my advice from what i know of your situation, would be to ignore the emails, which it seems like you are doing.

You must have been so majorly triggered. Its so incredibly unfair and injustice and why who'll yo have to suffer , feeling so unsafe in your own home- too scared to leave your house. Man!
It makes me mad. And it makes me mad that there is nothing i can do to help you or to make it better.

I find that being unsupported and invalidated etc. makes me drink.
Are you able to tell them about the cyber stalking he is doing?
Maybe there is someone who can be with you in your home, or who can accompany you out, because you dont feel safe? if so, are you able to ask anyone?

Yes, i bet you are feeling retraumatised, and over this.
Ugh im so sorry. It may be hard to go near the anger (trying to not put words in your mouth), I wonder what the point is, in comforting ourselves, if nothing can be done in the outside world.
But maybe grappling with the unfairness of it all- harder than it sounds- is what needs to happen, but only when you are ready.
I am here with you, over the net, and I'm am very angry at the way things have gone for you.
I hope that can give you some comfort. 

[Sienna]

Yes, sure, Contessa, some have healthy upbringings, and meet narcs and are healthy invididials.
Some dont learn proper boundaries, your are right.
It can happen from a number of things, such as being bullied or a strict school, so sorry to generalise there!

When my world came crashing down, the lack of support I had from them (because they aren't capable of it), meant the protection I thought I had through them did not actually exist.
Yeesh, thats rough. Im so sorry. I had this realisation with my dad- took long enough!

Um yes, very perceptive of your own self there! Seriously, well done!
Thus a new search for safety ensued, meaning a shift of boundaries to let others in for an effort of love
Did i say this?...
Im so glad you have managed to figure some out of why you are still thinking of Douchey Narcy!

I used to be able to read the signs and stay away from toxic people, but now I let them in more easily because i'm desperate to find a safe anchor to replace the family.
Interesting. I think we do this sub consciously , and push others away to re -in act the pattern, as well as out of fear and self protection.
Thanks-...im not sure what i said, so I'm gonna go and read your thread and this one again!

Yes, i second this! You wrote this so well Contessa.
After everything you do not deserve this Artemis.
So sorry the temporary restraining order has not been implemented. Its a tonne of effort, energy and I assume money, on your part to get that far - dealing with him and navigating the justice system, gathering all of your evidence for the hearing, taking you away from the things you would prefer to be doing, or things you have committed yourself to - only to suffer a set back at this point. You're the one out of everyone, who needs the break, not more work.

Yes, that makes sense. Court is very difficult apparently. A lady i know did it with her narc and said she would ask anyone not to put themselves through it. Not saying your are doing the wrong thing at all Artemisis.
i guess t makes them feel good if we are suffering, and it makes them feel honoured that we are going to court *over them*. hopefully it will work out and they will have consequences for what thieve done. I think they need psychological help as well as us, but they wont use it properly. ahhh.
Going to court, and seeing her to get the AVO would be feeding that warped need for a relationship, keep me in her mind, require the exchange of information which may lead her to know where I had moved to, and therefore be an avenue perpetuate the stalking... after a stern correpondence to her from him, and a creative mysterious attempt at panel beating on my car a few months later on a visit to my parents, everything has been golden (in regard to her) since. A bit of a gamble I know, but without me in the picture someone else would have taken my place to focus on, sadly.

Artemis23, can you use the creepy cyber stalking things as evidence on Monday?

I know our situations are not entirely in parallel but I know you are exhausted. I hope this ends soon for you. I hope you get that restraining order, and I hope the consequences are just if he breaches the order. I hope he doesn't show up and that you can still get that order. I hope he leaves you alone!
Yes, that! All of it.