When someone emotionally hurts me, my first reaction is to hate myself

[Cin]

I just don't understand this.  When someone who is close to me, or who I trust with my heart betrays me or hurts my feelings carelessly, I go off on a mental tangent where I hate myself, or have a fantasy about going to the person, handing them a knife, and saying "go ahead, kill me, that will make you happy".

I know how unhealthy this is!  I grew up with a paranoid schitzophrenic mother who was incredibly loving, then could turn incredibly hateful by the next day.  In my adult life (42-52)  I was in a 10 year relationship with someone who became emotionally abusive during the last 1-2 years (put friends before me, publicly humiliated me a few times, made it clear I was not important).  I think she wanted the relationship to end, and thought by treating me like crap I'd leave.  I eventually did, but I took the abuse for two years.  That's why I think I have Complex PTSD.  I just wondered if this particular feeling is related?  This feeling eventually goes away, but it's almost ALWAYS my go-to reaction and it's so harmful to my soul!

This is my first time here.  I'd appreciate any insight into this if you have any.

[Kizzie]

Hi Cin and a warm welcome to OOTS   

Yes, I'm afraid to say that is a common reaction with CPTSD.  It's the Inner Critic that is an internalized version of our parents according to T's like Pete Walker.  There's a good article with some strategies for quietening the IC by him here - http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm.  There's also a whole forum here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=56.0.

Hope you find some of this useful 

[Cin]

Thank you, I appreciate you reaching out to me.  Kindness almost makes me cry with gratitude (another thing that's messed up) -- I am going to be 57 tomorrow, and I truly believe I have stumbled upon the reason I've been this way.  Lots of research ahead.

[Kizzie]

Well an early HAPPY 57th BIRTHDAY to you 

PS - I am 59 and only found out about CPTSD a few years ago and there are a lot of us in our 50's here. 

[Cin]

Omg this suddenly makes sense (hating myself when someone has deeply hurt me). Not only do I hate myself, I have fantasies of them killing me with me handing them the weapon as a gift, like here you you go, kill me, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Well my mother tried to kill me once while in psychosis.
Omg again, this should be obvious to me.
Now how do I turn it off?

[Kizzie]

That's where reading, talking/posting, going to a T etc helps out on the road to recovery (out of the storm) 

[woodsgnome]

Cin wrote, "...now how do I turn it off?".

The bad news: the inner critic tends to sneak back in no matter what one tries. The good news: recognizing this is step one, and you've done that by posting about it here. Like all the steps, this can lead to more questions than answers, especially at first. So perseverance factors huge in staying on-track.

This might seem like resigning oneself to the bad, but it's more like knowing the territory first in order to accomplish the turnaround. It can be frustrating, agonizing even, but it at least brings up the possibility of achieving those further steps to recovery. Not a cure, maybe, but it points to an even better healing, perhaps. At least that's been my experience.

[Cin]

Thank you all for responding, I really appreciate it.   For me the hardest part of this has been from having feelings like rage, blame, sadness and worthless just come on me like a tidal wave.  To understand that the feelings come from PAST trauma is incredibly reassuring to me.  I don't mind doing the hard work in front of me or having these feelings recur.  To me, knowing that there is a reason for them will help calm me down and use a little logic instead of reacting so strongly. 

[woodsgnome]

Cin said, "...the hardest part of this has been from having feelings like rage, blame, sadness and worthless just come on me like a tidal wave."

Using your wave imagery, if you follow it through, the tidal wave pounds the rocks, then dissolves/dissipates; all on its own. Another roller may rush in  to replace it, but the same thing happens...thoughts do that, too.

[Cin]

By the way, my inner critic is a complete a$$hat.

[cyndiloowho]

I totally relate to your topic, cin!!! My self loathing is a monster wave that comes so unexpectedly and with such force that it wipes me out for days! It then takes several more days to self soothe and regain my ME again! This has been the most debilitating part of this illness!

I turned 57 last Sunday, so HaPpy BirThDaY to both of us!!

I'm also new here...

[Cin]

Yes Cyndilwho, it is emotionally devastating to thinki the other person might enjoy murdering me -- the pain related to this internal acknowledgement is incredible.  It can takes three or four days to start to feel better, but the feeling sometimes takes weeks to stop.  I'm sorry you go through it too, but am selfishly glad I'm not the only one, or a complete "freak".

[Danaus plexippus]

Watch "Self-Hatred & How To Deal with it! Mental Health Help with Kati Morton" on YouTube https://youtu.be/1dUgELSEKGk

[Tewaz]

Hello Cin,
I can totally relate!
I've learned...er...am learning...slowly, exactly what is being said above, that just recognizing that it is the past informing the reaction, rather than, or in addition to the present, helps you recognize it for what it is, makes it easier to put in context, and eventually, easier to address and dissipate.
Another thing I've discovered, that might be helpful, is that one of my survival strategies is to "preempt." Since I lived in an environment where contempt, loathing, and violence were always a threat, I would try to inflict it all on myself before anyone else could, and in that way possibly either anticipate and avoid it from others, or soften the experience by subjecting myself to it, where I had control, before it could be inflicted upon me by others.
I hope that helps and wish you all the best! Always remember, you don't deserve suffering. You deserve happiness and peace and security, always!