My Body Project

[spryte]

So, there's this thing that I'm kind of getting started on and I was wondering if anyone else would be interested in joining in.

Long story short, I have always had an absolutely terrible relationship with my body. My mother criticized my body and my weight from an early age and basically taught me how to hate my body. When I became a teenager, instead of learning to use my body for my own pleasure, I learned how to use it as a commodity for "love" and "attention". The critic in my head has been 24/7 relentless in it's emotional abuse of my body - until my body started breaking down on me because that was the only way it had to tell me that it had had enough. Enough of the constant stress and anxiety, enough of me abusing it with crappy food, enough of the 24/7 vitriol that my brain was spewing at it, enough of me not paying any kind of positive attention to it, or taking care of it.

So, I'm starting my Body Project. Much like the way that we sort of externalize our Inner Kid's in order to really figure out what they need, I am going to externalize my body. Make it separate from me, so that I can really "hear" what it's saying. Figure out what it needs. Smash the negative filters that I have in regards to my body, and start to see it for what it is. Strong. Capable. - maybe a five pound weight is heavy for me, but I can get out of bed every morning, and that's something. Maybe walking five miles isn't possible for me right now, but I can walk to my mailbox. And I can walk across a parking lot. This project is to help me start loving and taking care of my body. I have a sneaking suspicion that in doing this, my health is going to naturally improve, and my weight problems might start to improve as well.

So far, here's what I've decided to start this project.

I am going to start a notebook.

I am going to take pictures of myself, and let my boyfriend take pictures of me (which...gulp, I'm working up to) in fun poses with the express purpose of cutting my head out of the pictures, or blocking it out, so that it's JUST my body. So, I can completely externalize it, see it as some other "friend" rather than "me".

I'll glue those pics collage style, into my notebook.

I'll write to my body. Letters To My Body - telling it all the things I feel like it needs to hear.

I'll meditate on my body - I did a great meditation the other night which involved going through all my major body parts (eyes, ears, mouth, etc) and recognizing all of the really great things that all of those things are capable of.

I'll keep track of the things that I'm doing to take care of my body and work out ways to better do that. IE. I started a yoga class this week. I'll write about how that went.

I'll work out rituals to start paying more attention to my body. I found this great Ayurvedic self massage thing the other day which I'm going to start incorporating into my life.

Abhyanga - http://www.mapi.com/ayurvedic-knowledge/massage/benefits-of-an-ayurvedic-abhyanga-massage.html

It's a work in progress, but a start. I'm thinking I might not be the only one with poor body image issues.

If anyone else wants to join in, I was thinking maybe we could start a more organized thread...I'll write a better introduction to the project, and we can use it as a place to share - talk about different things we are incorporating into our individual projects, issues that we face, maybe share pages of our journals, or pictures - just...whatever, fun things we can think of!

[keepfighting]

  on this thread. 

I've hated my body all my life. Small wonder when I've been told from infancy that I should have been a boy. Very early in puberty I started developing a very feminine body and I always thought I was ugly and fat.

In my early twenties I overate a lot and by the age of 27 I started my first serious diet - lost 66 pounds. Some of it, though never all of it, came back on. I dieted and dieted and sometimes I would even gain weight though I was practically starving myself...

Now, in my early forties, I've decided to be good to my body and soul. I've stopped dieting altogether and taken up a healthy amount of exercising instead. I enjoy it. I also don't deny my body (or my soul!) comfort food any more. I make sure I eat fresh fruit and veggies every day, but when *I* - body or soul - crave a bit of comfort food, then that's okay, too. It's called comfort food for a reason and sometimes I am in need of the comfort it provides. I am no longer ashamed of that fact.

I've never looked into massages yet. Let me know how it works out for you!

[AndyT]

From a male perspective who has similar issues around the body and eating I would like to chip here.

My eating or lack of which is more the case is related directly to an avoidance strategy to ending up in a bad relationship based on appearance not my soul. It manifests acutely when I have an EF moment and it can take up to three days to eat again. This is reverse logic is a strange and it is my mind believing that too thin is unattractive. It also is the last refuge of control when all nothing else is. My BMI currently is around 15 way to low, and of course makes matters worse dealing with society in general. I have the situation that my Social Anxiety is sometimes Social Exclusion.

The juxtaposition between craving tactile contact and fearing getting emotionally abused is quite a conundrum. I have now acquired this trait of not being able to take the male lead and it has dogged me for many years. I noticed that writing poetry books is another avoidance tactic. It is difficult to trust when you have been betrayed and the body does suffer. I value the content of the mind and heart rather than looks maybe to much but it is safer another hurdle to overcome.

I would try massage but maybe the key is finding the right person as always. I hope that makes sense.

[Butterfly]

Thanks for this and things to the link for self massage. I think that's an excellent idea and good for self-awareness and self soothing. Hope your focus on your body works out well for you

[spryte]

BeHealthy - reintegrating myself with my body is definitely my end goal. What seems to work best for me though is to first externalize something, such as my inner critic, or my inner kid, in order to "get to know it." That's my goal with my body. I've spent so long ignoring it, outright abusing it, and abandoning it that I feel like I need to spend some time "befriending" it. I want to get to know my body, separate from my sense of self, if that makes sense, because my "me" is always so stuck in my head. I want to learn my bodies language, what it's trying to tell me, what it needs, how I can heal it - and I want to spend time sending it specific messages of love and acceptance.

I feel like I've been at war with my body for a long time, which in and of itself has been a very fragmented thing, so now I want to call a truce and repair the relationship. I think that will make it easier for me in the long run to reintegrate. It may not work for everyone.

I will be taking separate pics purely to keep track of progress. One of the other things that I thought might be helped with the headless pictures is the fact that I actually have a really hard time looking at pictures of "me", as a whole. So, if I can separate the me, then I think I might be able to look at my body in a much more objective way.

Butterfly - yeah, I really liked the idea of the self massage too. It seems like a really great way to really connect with my body.

Andy T - It's really hard for men who have body image issues. I wish you well on your own journey to heal. I know it's not easy.

Keepfighting - it's good to hear from someone who has successfully worked to turn around a lot of the issues that I'm dealing with too. I wasn't a chronic dieter, but I might as well have. A few years ago when I started having lots of food sensitivity issues and digestive issues, I started on this yoyo of elimination diets, and dove head first into the Whole food movement, which really just served to create a food anxiety disorder for me. So, I'm working to overcome that too. Very much with the "intuitive eating" and trying to stop seeing certain foods as "evil" or "dangerous". I'm working with a naturopathic doctor to try to overcome some of the deficiencies that I've developed over the years from all the digestive issues and stress.

The massage that I linked was actually for self-massage. I have done regular massage in the past, and I found it to be extremely healing in many ways, but it's an expense that I can't afford to keep up for long.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi spryte, your project sounds really impressive. It's a bit too ambitious for me at the moment though. But a great point about how CPTSD disconnects us from our bodies. It's something that began to slooowly dawn upon me recently, that I often squish my need to move about because my family taught me to stay in the background and not draw any attention to myself, not do anything that's loud or boisterous or energetic, because seeing it worried my mother and stressed her out, and my brother would probably have made fun of it. So I haven't been at war with my body, it's more like I kept telling it: "not now." Your post made me realize that yes, this is something I have to work on, too.

What I'm planning to do isn't nearly as big as your project. Just to drink more water, mainly. Instead of trying to not eat unhealthy things, I'll try to eat healthy ones - lots of vegetables mainly - because when I've had a really good, healthy meal, there isn't much room left for nachos anyway. And if my body wants to fidget or move about, I'm planning to let it. We'll see how that goes.

Best of luck with your project!

[spryte]

SC - I want to be clear - my offer for anyone to join me is not predicated on following MY project. Our healing is individual, as is our specific issues - like how much yours differs from mine. MY project just seems big because I've had so much going on in my life in regards to my physical health - there were so many things that I was trying to put into place - Eating better, drinking the appropriate amount of water, dealing with my food issues, trying to love my body...that I just wanted to put it under one banner - Body. I've been doing a LOT of what feels like mind/heart stuff lately. This project also helps to slow me down in that area...to get me out of my head.

But I think anyone who wants to start focusing on their body more, reconnecting with it, should/can have their OWN body project. The "project" part, I just thought might be a fun way to keep track of what we're trying to address. And it would be an opportunity to be creative/imaginative with it. Maybe you just download an app that keeps track of your water? Or - I just found a really cool Android app called Two Grand which is like Instagram, but specifically for logging food. It's for people who don't want to log calories or macro-counts. You just take a picture of everything you eat. (Not trying to talk you into it, just making suggestions in case you or anyone else thought that I was suggesting everyone had to follow my project idea).

You don't have to keep a notebook, or take pictures or do anything else that feels "too big".
In order to participate, I'd say that the only thing you'd have to do  is pick something that you'd like to do that has to do with reconnecting to your body, and do it! That's your Body Project! And if you have awesome ideas about how to make it fun, and creative, share them here! (Or, if I get enough interest, the new thread when I start it.)

[schrödinger's cat]

Okay, then maybe I can give it a shot? I can't promise that I'll see it through, though. My mother spent my youth trying to get me to become tidier/neater/more punctual/more diligent, at a time when I was struggling with my depression/PTSD/food intolerance... all of which made me woozy and foggy-minded and unable to concentrate, and none of which were ever addressed, so you can imagine how that went.     I have a reduced tolerance to those things now, let's put it like that. So this isn't to say anything about your idea, is what I'm getting at.

[spryte]

Lol, I get it. I am awful at being organized or keeping up with anything. I haven't even started my notebook, lol. I think maybe I was hoping that if I got some people interested it would be easier for me to do it/keep up with it.

It's funny how like...normally successful people talk about having a "full plate" or "juggling a lot" and maybe they're like, juggling career stuff, and kid stuff, and volunteer stuff, and project stuff....

Meanwhile, I'm over here feeling like I'm juggling balls called "get a good nights sleep" "eat a healthy meal" "do your laundry" "take a shower" and like, I'd LIKE to insert "work on body project" but this last week all my balls got messed up because of Things. Sooo...let's just say it's on the list. I'm taking a break from emotional homework this week though, so maybe I'll find some time.

In the meantime, I'm just kind of mentally doing things here and there. I'm trying to reframe my thoughts when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm "writing letters to my body" in my head before I go to sleep. I made, and kept, that yoga apt this week...

[schrödinger's cat]

Meanwhile, I'm over here feeling like I'm juggling balls called "get a good nights sleep" "eat a healthy meal" "do your laundry" "take a shower" ...

Ha, I know... stuff like "feel feelings", "know own opinion", "breathe properly", "keep self from panicking about minor mishap"...

I bought myself some amaranth muesli yesterday, which has two advantages: a) healthy breakfast, b) my FOO would never ever eat that, so it feels deliciously transgressive. That's one advantage of growing up with very conservative and cautious parents. Rebellion can be as easy as eating sweetcorn (EEK) straight of the tin (OH NO WE RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT). I don't even have to dye my hair, it's very useful.

[spryte]

 

That's awesome!

You know, that sparks a really interesting...totally unrelated to this thread thought for me.
I've had this problem where my rebellions keep being like...kid related. "I can totally have ice cream for dinner! I'm an adult!" "I can totally eat four fudgcicles if I want! I'm an adult!" "I don't HAVE to go to bed on time, I'm an adult!"

I need to look at that closer and figure out some rebellions that celebrate adult things that I can do that I couldn't do when I was a kid.

Sorry...tangent. Just wanted to get that down to look at for later.

[schrödinger's cat]

I've had this problem where my rebellions keep being like...kid related. "I can totally have ice cream for dinner! I'm an adult!" "I can totally eat four fudgcicles if I want! I'm an adult!" "I don't HAVE to go to bed on time, I'm an adult!"

I need to look at that closer and figure out some rebellions that celebrate adult things that I can do that I couldn't do when I was a kid.

If there's anything you figure out that you want to talk about here, I'd be curious to hear of it. Such celebratory rebellions serve a double purpose - the "neener neener neener" one that I mentioned, and a deeper one where it drives home the point that this is now, things have changed, I'm my own woman, I get to make decisions for myself, I even get to do weird or eccentric things. It's almost a symbolic thing, sometimes. I look down onto my blue toenails (OH HONEY ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT COLOUR, HERE, LET ME TAKE IT OFF FOR YOU) and I remember: yesSIR, I'm free!

[Butterfly]

Oh This may be straying off topic but the blue toenails and amaranth! Wonderful to easily rebel. Problem for me is whatever I do uPDm does too so now I keep my blue toenails covered! And I'm into all sorts of weird foods! Love the idea and need to pull some stuff out my pantry tonight! Eccentric party in the works!

Stuff I read here is great and I downloaded a sticky note phone app for quick tidbits of stuff and keep my major notes in evernote tablet synced to phone. Too many good ideas I keep forgetting. Used to hide stuff in a password protected app just in case tablet fell into wrong hands but I'm out there now baby totally not password protected! What a rush to take such risks!

Added self massage to my daily goals pop up reminder list so I can take care of me tenderly and gently.