What Can I Reasonably Expect from My Spouse? (Possible triggers)

[Dutch Uncle]

Not wanting to thread-jack, but I think this is an interesting topic and would love to see the conversation continue...

Excellent follow-up. 

I'm a bachelor, so I haven't got any input or reply to give. 
But thanks for asking these questions and I hope a continued conversation on this will be had.
Thanks for the resource you posted as well, I have copied it to the When Someone in Your Life has CPTSD sub-forum.

And last but not least: Hi    and welcome, Papillon 

[Bimsy]

I haven't read the other answers you had but I've read your original post, my main thought is that he is not really capable of feeling empathy for you.
I've gone through similar things with men like that and for them to be able to understand things it's usually about fixing the problem or ignoring it, anything in between is frustrating and confusing.

I think that you are supposed to be able to expect empathy from a person who are capable of feeling it and that a healthy relationship is based on two people who can feel empathy for each other.
But I don't think, and I am sorry to say this, that you can expect any empathy from him.

[papillon]

Dutch Uncle, thanks for the warm welcome and for copying that resource over! Appreciate it!

I'm also single... but would like that to not always be the case, haha! Topics like this interest me from the perspective of trying to set myself up for success when the day comes that I will have to express my needs & peculiarities to a future spouse.

I see that as the potential goodness of a group like this- that we can really help each other by sharing our experiences. Eternal optimist here. Or maybe I'm just in denial. My therapist says it's definitely both 

[Dutch Uncle]

Eternal optimist here. Or maybe I'm just in denial. My therapist says it's definitely both 

Thank heavens you need to ditch only one of them. 

[steamy]

I'm curious about the experiences of anyone in a similar situation who has sought couples counseling? Or if anyone has asked their supporter to seek counseling?

Papillon, yes I did a few sessions with an ex partner - does that explain everything? lol

It was some years ago, On the one hand I don't think either of us realised the effect of child abuse on me, and I don't think that the therapist realised and certainly didn't explain it to my partner, I guess it comes down to patient confidentiality. One of the problems was that I could openly accept that I had issues to resolve, whereas she could not. she did accept to get some therapy but her therapist discharged her after a month, I thought that the T was inept. This ultimately meant that there was nothing wrong with my ex and I was the mad one, so reduced the possibility of us negotiating our position. Effectively my ex was just having to put up with me.

I have asked my current partner to attend therapy she didn't seem to be interested, I have concluded that she is the least emotionally intelligent person I have been with in the last 25 years.

When we first started dating she was quiet and relatively calm but I have found recently that she is short tempered and gets hysterical at our son for small things. I am on the verge of losing my temper as I don't like her shouting at my son. He has autism, I am able to calmly express my dissatisfaction when she starts to rant in front of him but she does not listen and seems not to realise that her behaviour is inappropriate.

I took him to speech therapy last week, the therapist also mentioned counselling. I work with a lot of kids with disabilities and I have seen what effect it can have on the relationships of parents. Getting my partner to sit and open up about stuff is impossible, she wont discuss ANYTHING. I want to save myself and just get away but I have my son to think of now. I was a standard CPTSD sufferer who didn't want to have kids, my partner decided to stop taking her contraceptives and didn't bother to tell me. She sent me a facebook message when she knew she was pregnant. Like I said she is completely unable to talk about anything.

I see the same situation arising as with my ex, that I am the one with issues and everybody is simply putting up with me, that my point of view is warped and influenced by my state of mental health.

As others have pointed out, many of us struggle with maintaining a steady income and thereby have fewer choices

[Cocobird]

My ex and I went for counseling. I had gone through a major depression, and got very little support or understanding from him. He told his family I was off from worth because of asthma problems.

Therapy went okay for awhile, although we didn't get any closer. Finally the therapist gave us homework -- we had to sit down and talk to each other for ten minutes every day. It lasted two days. We realized that we had nothing to say to each other.

We broke up soon after that.

It was a while ago, and I can now see all the excuses I'd made for his self-centered behavior. My friends saw them long before I did, and didn't like him.

I continued to go to therapy on my own, and went back to work. The depression never left. My abusive mother was going downhill and needed me to take care of her. I had avoided being alone with her for years. I found her a nice retirement home, made all the arrangements, did the packing and she moved in. Dealing with her was very unpleasant. She was still complaining about things I did 30 years before, and made lots of mean comments about my daughter. I decided I would only see her when she went for doctor's visits, and that helped a little. But no one understood why I was being so distant, and it only got worse when I tried to explain.

A lot of bad stuff happened, and I went through another trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of several things that had happened over time. I learned about CPST, and that fit even better.

I have some good days and some bad days. This is progress, because all of my days used to be bad.

[Wife#2]

I know this thread has been quiet for a while, but the title intrigued me and reading your post The Girl Who Was Me,I wanted to respond.

First, it's important for me to say that I'm a spouse, and my husband's C-PTSD is not officially diagnosed ~ yet. He and I agree that it's very likely what is going on with him.

I wish we really could look into a crystal ball and know what you can expect. I'm so sorry that you felt so alone and hurt all over again when you had need of affection.

There are lots of answers better than mine will be, but I did want to add a little perspective from 'the other side of the fence' if you will. My uC-PTSD husband is usually very clear with what he needs, when he needs it. Sometimes, I have to remember that his 'makes me feel better and safe' language is different than mine. Sometimes, I have to remind him that, since this is a partnership, I will expect things for my 'makes me feel better and safe' health, too.

You've tried talking to him and asking him. If he cannot, it may be because of his FOO, or it may be something else. But, if you've asked and he says he cannot, you two have to really look at what that's going to look like in your relationship.

My H can't do affection thanks to his childhood traumas. It's just not in him. Despite this, he'll try for my sake, because affection is my love language. Without it, I starve emotionally. I do affection too much because of my FOO. I say too much because it's unsettling to H. With him awkward or completely resistant regarding affection, and my deep need for affection, we've had to reach something of a compromise. He'll try. Regardless if it's enough for my needs, I'll be satisfied with that. The big part to me now is that I see that he's trying.

My H needs almost constant attention. Not in a 'joined-at-the-hip' way, but by him being free to ask me very often for what he needs (back rub, help clipping nails, conversation about his hobby for hours) and I do my best to give it. He mainly needs to know that he matters. That his pain, his interests, his life matters to me. He needs to know that he's number one somewhere in his life. That's my role. I don't do it well all the time, but I get that having him for my partner means this is my part of the bargain.

If I don't want to sit through another hour of a description about some minutia regarding his hobby, I remember how recently he gave me more than one hug and/or kiss in one day. Then, I'm back into the mindset that I can compromise knowing he's tried to compromise for me.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I sure hope so. Even if it doesn't - HUGS to you just for being you.

[AnnaE]

Thank you for this thread. I'm wondering a lot, too.
My husband is incredibly supportive, sensitive, and focused on giving me what I need.
But right now, I don't know what I need most of the time. And that is frustrating to him. He's trying so hard, and as so often when you're trying really hard... it all comes out wrong.

None of us are simple beings; my situation is that I'm in addition to CPTSD battling a bad case of codependence, so when my husband gets frustrated with not being able to give me what I need, I have a hard time not taking responsibility for his feelings as well... which means I don't tell him how I'm feeling because I'm more afraid to frustrate him (and by extension, to lose him) than I am about keeping my feelings to myself -- after all, I've done that for all my life and I know how to do that...

And I'm glad to hear from "the other side" because I honestly would rather be me than my husband right now. I told him I think it's kind of like childbirth -- I know exactly how much pain I'm in even if I have no idea how to make it ease up, but that to me sounds like a better deal than sitting on the sidelines and feeling helpless and whatever you try to do, your spouse tells you it's wrong... (that's my situation, the way I see it, not commenting on anyone else's).

It is damn hard, though, to fight your own fight AND try to help your SO understand what is going on when YOU don't understand what's going on most of the time.

[Wife#2]

This is sounding stupid in my head before I type it, but here I go.....

What about starting an emotional checkbook with you and your spouse? You deposit 'knowledge'. Your husband deposits 'effort'. You both get to make withdrawals together.

I'm thinking like this.....

Because you don't KNOW what you want... when you get an inspiration - write it down on a piece of paper (text to yourself if you have to) and put it in a jar at home. When he is looking for some way to brighten your day, he pulls something from the jar. You two talk about it and decide if that was a 'flash-in-the-pan' item or something he and you can work on together. Then, you two can see some progress when you 'write the check' together. Him doing, you accepting. And you can see if this topic keeps coming up by 'balancing the books'.

I'm thinking this can help you see what keeps reappearing - the real issues of things you want, proven by frequency. AND it can help your husband. The conversations alone can be cumbersome, overwhelming and frustrating. This way, he doesn't have to feel like he's trying to pin you down, but he has an idea of what's going on inside you. AND, many men being naturally 'fixers' if given their preference, this gives him something CONCRETE to work from.

Suggestions for what do *I* want (these are mine, just trying to inspire a little):

* 10 minutes of peace where NOTHING is demanded, pointed out or expected of me.  (It's something concrete - he can DO that for you!)
* Change the laundry soap. The brand we're using reminds me of ....
* Cuddle before kissing - it's comforting me when you don't immediately expect....

They're not life changers, and that's ok! It's the idea that you're letting your husband into your head. And giving him SOMETHING he can work with.

That might be the most ridiculous suggestion I've ever given, but I'm going to post, because it just might be helpful, too! If it's useless, hopefully, I made you smile at least.