Steve's journal

[oreo]

Here we go with my first journal entry.

I have an addiction. No not the usual substance abuse, rather one that comes from the deepest part of my soul that has been eroded to such a degree that I hurt those that I love the most. I won't get into the details as they can be found in another thread. More importantly though, my addiction has been driven by fear, resentment, self pity, self loathing, guilt and shame. With the help of 12 step, my higher power and my counsellor I am moving forward. I am in month 5 of sobriety and feel much better about myself and everything in my life. I am still saddled with feelings of resentment, fear (of the future) and self pity but at least I can identify them now and work on the CPTSD aspects.

My latest resentments have been towards my father for not being there for me when I needed him the most. Intellectually I know he was working to bring up 5 kids as a widower but as a 7 year old I needed someone to love me. So when he talks about how proud he is of me and how good our life is I can't help but feel resentful because in my heart I keep thinking how tough it was with that longing I had to be loved and how afraid I was of being alone.

Next up is my wife (soon to be ex- her choice not mine). So when she had cancer, I was 100% with her, supporting her, being with her and doing whatever it was that she needed. Now I am in a situation where a bit of support would go a long way and she wants a divorce. Now I understand that it sounds like self pity and it is. I also know that my addiction is a bit different than having cancer. I am also very aware that by her asking me to leave the house is actually the right thing for her to have done. Had I stayed in the house I would never have embarked on this journey of healing. So rather than be resentful I should be thankful.... and I am but but I am also resentful. I need to get past that.

[oreo]

I am still resentful but for different reason.  A situation happened at work and I did not handle it as well as I should have.  I regret doing what I did in how I responded to the person and I should never have let them get to me the way they did.  Even as I was saying it I could feel the feelings of the past coming to the surface - the anger at not being able to control the situation.  I prayed for the person in the hopes that my higher power will ease my resentment and let me get on with the rest of my day.  Sigh...I hate it when this happens.

[oreo]

This weekend I have spent a fair bit of time thinking about what shame is and how it affects me. I realized that in most areas of my life shame has played a major role. The bulk of it stems from being afraid to talk about my mom's death because other kids didn't go through that. I wasn't normal. Then I started linking my surgeries to shame- again no one else had this problem. So then I started thinking about how I have sought acceptance from others. Even as recently as last night I was speaking with my (soon to be) ex wife and made a couple of comments that in hindsight were clearly intended to gain her approval. The good news is that she didn't respond to my plea and I wasn't disappointed. For me this really is progress for which I am thankful.

[oreo]

This week and weekend so far have been consumed by a lot of worry on my part.  Worry I know is future focused and I can't control the future so why worry.  It doesn't make any sense...except that I do it.  I worry about whether my contract will end, I worry about whether my son will still love me, will my wife take me back, will I ever meet someone again, will anyone ever love me and if they do for how long, will I ever love them, what if I get sick... and on it goes.  As I write this, I realize that a running theme is loneliness.  I fear being alone yet when I am with someone, its almost as if I push them away before i can get abandoned again or hurt.  My challenge for the day is self compassion.

[Jdog]

Best wishes as you focus upon self compassion.  I think it is a theme that runs through many of our lives, and one that deserves daily recognition.