How to not let past abuse affect current relationships

[rrainee]

How do you go forward in a trusting relationship with a partner, without ignoring that with any romantic relationship there is potential for abuse?

The last time I was serious about someone, years and years ago, that person was my abuser. Now I'm trying to be in a relationship again, but I keep creating fake red flags as an excuse to run, run, run. I'm wondering if I can ever be in love again, without constantly being terrified of what my partner might do (while consciously recognizing that this man is NOTHING like my abuser).

Any advice appreciated.

[papillon]

For what it's worth, I have a couple of thoughts for you...

1) Be very open and honest with your concerns to your significant other (within what's appropriate for the stage of your relationship. For instance, if this is a brand new relationship, it's likely not wise to dump your entire abuse history and all it's ramifications out on the table. Personally, I can't imagine disclosing absolutely everything to someone I don't have a lifelong commitment with).

When something comes up and you think "red flag!", when you're both calm and you're both prepared, talk with your partner. Let them know that what you've been through confused how you process the present and let them know that "x" makes you uncomfortable.

Their response can tell you a great deal about whether or not they are indeed a safe person. Look for compassion, a heart willing to understand, be sensitive to the difference between potential defensiveness of wrongdoing and maybe just an unfavorable response to the awkwardness of the conversation. You want to be able to work through issues with and really be known by your partner, and this is an important issue to deal with.

2) Involve other people. Don't date in a vacuum. Make sure you have at least one trusted person outside of the relationship who you can go to with your concerns so they can objectively help you sort through what is real and what warning signs are falsely informed from your past abuse. Be willing to receive their criticisms and positive feedback. This should be a person who knows you well (has context on your past and how it effects you presently), and has your best interest at heart.

Best wishes 

[MidnightOwl]

It's very hard to differentiate triggers from genuine red flags at times. If you can go through and identify what triggers you, and take steps to reduce flashbacks, then it's easier to see genuine red flags in a relationship vs fears of the past

I have been spending time learning about what red flags looks like too, I really never had that sense before. So it helped me to watch the Thrive After Abuse youtube series about red flags. Growing up in an abusive environment I really had no idea what behaviors were problematic and what to watch for. Like, abusive, manipulative people were my normal.

I think it's something that takes a lot of focus and time to overcome, because if we often are triggered, that means there are some entrenched reactions we need to let go of.

reading Pete Walkers book on CPTSD helped me greatly, now I can recognize when I'm triggered, how severe it is and how to reduce the recovery time.