arpy's new journal

[annakoen]

Arpy, you are definitely not alone in this. Talked with my T about having two modes it seems: either I won't talk about myself or I will tell them my life's story. And yes, immense guilt trip afterwards...

Sounds like you were brain washed horribly by them


You deserve to make any and all choices in your life that make you happier and healthier. You did not make it up.

When I was a teenager, I was in a relationship that wasn't working, but I felt guilty wanting to break it off. My boss saw I was struggling and called me into his office and asked, concernedly if I was OK. I cried and told him I felt guilt for wanting to break it off. "He didn't do me wrong." My boss looked at me in sympathy and said "Girl, if I had to have a relationship with everyone who didn't do me wrong I'd have to please the whole world."

So, arpy, I do not believe for a moment that cult was a 'good church', but should you at any time doubt yourself, remember that you are in no way obligated to have any relationship with anyone you don't want to have a relationship with, for your own unique reasons. Guilt doesn't come into it: there are simply too many people on the planet to even consider pleasing them all, or being bothered by their (hypothetical) opinions. That so-called church was not right for you, because you know and feel in your heart that it was. No other reason is necessary or matters.

[arpy1]

that is true. it helps, annakoen, thank you. it is hard to believe myself, but like you suggest, even if i got it totally wrong, it makes no odds, i don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to stay.  that is a novel concept, believe it or not, becos we were deeply indoctrinated to believe that if we left, we were backsliding and would come under God's judgment. 'Like a dog returning to its vomit is the man who puts his hand to the plough and then turns back' that comes out of the bible. it and many other sayings like it, were used like a tool to keep us in a kind of mental captivity through fear, shame and guilt. that kind of powerful mind control didn't leave a lot of room for deciding to leave 'becos it wasn't working for me'. phew. shocking how even though i can look at it rationally now, and even verbalise what was really happening, that is a belief that still remains rooted somewhere in the depths of me. thank you for helping me to re-realise that. now i feel a bit sick! it still shocks me after so long.

well today has been tough. the way my meds are means that to reduce them slowly enough i have to take one less tablet every other day.  i realised today that on the day following the one where i take the lower dose, i seem to be in almost constant EF which gets worse as the day progresses until i am desperate for meds time to arrive at 6pm.  on the other day, it isn't so bad.  foolish that it has taken a week or two to realise this as a pattern. 
so anyway, today was tough.  i just took my meds so hopefully the anxiety etc will calm down. it didn't help that i  had to go into Oxford for a gastro-entero checkup. the checkup itself was fine, as the colitis isn't flaring at the moment, so i don't have to go back for six months, but the little doctor (when did they all get so young?!) was concerned that i had cancelled my last colonoscopy back in november. when i sort of explained about the cptsd, that i was very ill and suicidal etc at the time and that this is the first time i have felt able to cope with an appointment, he was so sweet and started asking me if i had support, what i did when i felt tempted to hurt myself etc. and it was very kind of him but just him being kind and me having to talk about it threw me straight into flashback. bit of a different story to the other day when i couldn't keep my gob shut!? not sure what happened.

i got out fairly fast, but drove home just managing not to cry. i went to bed this afternoon becos i couldn't face having to cope with all the horrible emotions without being able to take my meds. so i thought if i spent most the time asleep it would be less awful. which it was.

so it all makes me doubt. if it is this difficult to reduce the meds, maybe i should just accept the constant tiredness and go back up.  but then i feel so bad becos of that.  so maybe i should carry on and hope that i will acclimatise to the reduced dose.  i just don't know what to decide.  it's like as ever i am faced with the choice between two unworkable alternatives. i have to chose one. but whichever i chose is going to make me feel awful.  ho hum. what to chose... i hate this.

[annakoen]

Hi arpy, big hug to you. I understand how tough that is, to go against programming that isn't working but that is still operational

I'm sorry I have to ask but am not clear: are you lowering dosage due to side effects or something? In other words: if lowering dosage is not working, I'd be tempted to ask if you're being too hard on yourself by forcing yourself to lower it... Are there strong reasons to keep lowering?

[arpy1]

yes, the reason is that on the high dose (for me anyway: 30mg Citalopram and 50mg Trazodone) i am so exhausted all the time that it makes me feel awful.  tiredness, as i realised the other day, is a huge trigger for me. so it is extra hard to cope with. apart from wanting to sleep all the time.

the upside of taking the higher dose is that the EFs in general seem to reduce and the nightmares are less frequent.

ironic. if i take the full dose, i get EFs from feelings of tiredness, if i lower it, i get EFs from everything else.

sigh. i think i'll stick with it for a week more and if i don't settle down i'll just go back and put up with the tiredness. 

[annakoen]

yes, the reason is that on the high dose (for me anyway: 30mg Citalopram and 50mg Trazodone) i am so exhausted all the time that it makes me feel awful.  tiredness, as i realised the other day, is a huge trigger for me. so it is extra hard to cope with. apart from wanting to sleep all the time.

the upside of taking the higher dose is that the EFs in general seem to reduce and the nightmares are less frequent.

ironic. if i take the full dose, i get EFs from feelings of tiredness, if i lower it, i get EFs from everything else.

sigh. i think i'll stick with it for a week more and if i don't settle down i'll just go back and put up with the tiredness.

I understand. I do not know anything about medication so can't judge, but finding the right dose for you seems really important. (Or, if there are alternatives to your current medication, trying those.)

[arpy1]

right, so it got bad, and i got into a bit of a bad way, so i basically stopped trying to reduce the meds.  and within a week i have stopped feeling so bad... stopped feeling much at all in fact. this is what happens. but it has to be better than being in a constant EF and having the nightmares every night and wanting to do something drastic to myself again. 

sigh. i tried, i guess. 

so i am back to feeling very blank, and sleeping loads. i am still having weird dreams, but the meds stop me from going into meltdown when i wake up. the GP said basically i seem to still need the higher dose to get through the days but said that when i have stabilised again, maybe we can try again but reduce even more slowly than i was doing.   i don't know if i will though.
at the moment, i just want to veg out and not have to feel anything.

it occurs to me that all the professionals seem to look at dissociation as an undesirable state to be in, something to be overcome.  but what the meds do is just a chemical means of dissociating. hopefully in a slightly less unhealthy way than booze, drugs, sex, gambling, gaming.... or is it? who knows the longterm effects this high a dose of antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication will have on me?  the only thing in its favour for me personally is that becos of the other physical problems i have i don't have to pay for them.  i get an exemption for my prescriptions.  i know that is really cynical but i am feeling properly p***ed off about it all at the moment.

will this ever end???

[Three Roses]

    

[Boatsetsailrose]

I'm in the same boat arpy
Dammed if I do - dammed if I don't
On them I get to do life and feel good more
Off them well forget it - it doesn't happen
When I reduce in the future I need to be in the right position
Have support enough around me
So for now I'm on them
Just this morning I wake and have that floored 'I can't get up so tired feeling ( after a full nights sleep
I take the meds at night and so the mornings are like this ... It gets better as the day goes on and the drug wears off
The alternative is to take it in the morning but hey that won't be good
So morning hangover it is ...

[annakoen]

Arpy 

I wish the meds didn't make you so numb and hope that eventually you may find something that works better for you.