arpy's new journal

[arpy1]

today has been a flat kind of day, and it was very hard to get going this morning. i suspect if i hadn't had to get up i would have just stayed in  bed. but i did get up and did manage to clean the ratties' cage, which is a big job that i tackle every sunday and seriously didn't feel like doing.  taking on the responsibility for these little creatures has been good, it means that i have to do things like this, looking after them and giving them a lovely life, the best i can - after all, they didn't ask to be my pets and they deserve the best for the joy they are bringing into my life.
ate some of the first strawberries out of the garden today. little joys mean a lot if you take time to appreciate them.
and my flowers are blooming, lots of colour in my patio pots.
and, wonder of wonders - my resident blackbird, who visits my  patio daily for food, upon finding nothing to eat this afternoon, sat on the patio in sight of my doors and sang loudly, to make me come out and feed him.  he got the supper that he sang so beautifully for!

it's good to notice these things, when my emotions are sad and flat. little joys. helps a lot.

[resurgent]

Hi Arpy-

I'm rooting for you!
In response to some stuff you wrote earlier about the difficulty in having access to a therapist---forgive me if this is too late and you're not concerned with that anymore--but, is there anyone you trust with whom you could do a co-counseling type thing, with even just one other person? I really feel for/relate to you vis-a-vis the guilt of STILL having issues, and being very hard on yourself for it--- :falling bricks:. I was on this forum about a year ago, as "Serkinglight"--tried to get back on as such but couldn't remember my password, so now I'm "Resurgent". Anyway, you responded to me with great kindness and got very angry on my behalf as I recall. It helped immeasurably--felt so supportive at the time, so thanks!! It saddens me to see you not feeling you have a right to all the totally justifiable feelings you've had... I know that trap all too well...

[arpy1]

what a kind post, resurgent, it made my day! thank you for caring and for remembering something i said that helped all that time ago! i feel really touched  and thank you for your support, it means a lot.

so. today's journal...
i am so muddled at the moment becos i know that i need to re engage with my emotions to stop the depression getting any worse, but without any recourse to treatment i am so afraid of going into another meltdown. your suggestion Resurvent,of co-counselling is a good one. i do have one friend who is also an ex JP member, so understands the cult experience and the effects it has had on me but she isn't quite ready to call it a cult yet, i guess she's not there on her own journey. which makes it a little sensitive for me to be able to be completely open and honest about how i feel. i don't want to confront her with stuff she's not ready to deal with yet.  other than that it's really just my GP, who hasn't time to give to the extent i need.  i would love to have someone i can really vent to but there just isn't really anyone left from all the ones i was close to who isn't JP or ex JP. i had to go total NC becos contact with them was so triggering.

i guess it's a conundrum i can't actually solve. and that makes me feel so powerless and makes the feelings of 'oh for goodness sake, arpy, stop whingeing and just pull yourself together, no one is going to help you but you' much worse.  and it makes me doubt that i am really ill, that it isn't my fault, you know, all the things that the IC piles on. it is so frustrating to know that i need to deal with stuff, don't have the resources or strength left to do it alone, and can't get any help either.  i feel as if i have spent my life being trapped, alone and powerless against circumstances too great for me. and guilty that i am not strong enough and brave enough to deal with it.

the only recourse i have is to live from one day to the next, trying to 'improve the moment' as they say, till maybe things really do improve. when i write it down like this the sick feeling of helplessness threatens to overwhelm me and i have to switch off with something brainless on tv, or some wine or some chocolate, or anything to stop my head. not the  best but the best i can do at the moment.

i think it has been good getting back on this forum, remembering that there are other people who feel similar to me, who maybe i can encourage a bit sometimes, who encourage me too.  that does help, it is validating. so i'm glad i did it.  even though it is sometimes pretty triggering.  the good outweighs the bad.

[arpy1]

today i am 59 years old.  i don't generally celebrate my birthday after having buried our baby the day before my 50th, but today i am going out for lunch with my son and his girlfriend.  and it's ok, becos he will be there, so i won't feel so nervous of being with humans. 

when i woke up i was awash with sad feelings. i tried to have a birthday lie-in but had to get up becos i felt the old guilt about being lazy and selfish and started to get all anxious. anyway, i got up, and gave the ratties a treat for their breakfast - porridge with fish oil in (urgh.. but they love it). they got it all over my desk and then one of them escaped and i had to chase her about before i got her. little minx. these four little guys are so important to me, i love them so much, and they give me so much affection and joy and make me laugh.  can't imagine how i coped before. and of course, caring for them makes me have to do things, which is good.
well, more later when i have survived my birthday lunch... feels so ungrateful but it's true, it's a tough thing to do. but it means a lot to the kids, so i do it.

[Three Roses]

Arpy - I hope your time today with your son & his gf is enjoyable, may you have a peaceful and fulfilling day. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Happy birthday arpy - glad you are here with us 🌸✨
Special day

[annakoen]

Happy birthday arpy

[arpy1]

thank you guys for your b'day wishes, that was nice of you.

so tday i am trying to do a bit of journal.  my head is a bit of a mess so it will be rambly i suspect. but i need to try and keep doing this. i need to get out the stuff that roils around inside like a tornado building. i hope that will be enough to prevent me from getting worse as i can feel my mood getting lower and lower as time passes. 

the last couple of days i have spent feeling exhausted. today i slept for three and a half hours - not the best but i just couldn't do anything else. i feel like all my limbs have been dipped in concrete and moving is a huge effort for some reason. maybe the muggy weather, maybe the meds. i don't know.

i think as well that part of it is recovering from the birthday lunch.  it was lovely, don't get me wrong, and the kids got me some nice pressies which was so sweet. it was lovely to see L, my son's girlfriend again.  but i'm afraid the simple act of socialising for a few hours even with people i love and trust, was a bit triggering.  i just about managed to get home after it without falling apart but i was feeling very anxious and wired by then.  i feel guilty that even people's kindness and love can get to be too much for me so that i just want to flee back to my cave, but i realise that i have done a lot of social stuff in my life, and especially in the JP, out of fear of disapproval, the desire to please, or a sense of obligation and guilt and which taxed my soul to the limit. i guess maybe that's why doing even the smallest bit of social stuff now triggers all this fear and anxiety and desire to just be on my own again.  i hope i didn't show it with them, but they'd probably understand even if i did. and it was probly good to make the effort, not just for their sakes, but becos i should probly not let myself get so isolated as i do.

so wednes and today have been difficult days.  i am getting to the point where i am considering again whether i should reduce my meds in an attempt to get at least a bit of energy back.  it's so hard wading through treacle to achieve the smallest thing.  reading some of the posts about reduced cognitive function here on OOTS i realised just how heavy a dose of antideps i am on. and rather than becoming more tolerant of them, i seem to be getting less tolerant. i reduced the citalopram to 20mg instead of 30mg this evening; don't know if i should have done, but it was an impulse, i guess, in truth, me trying to feel like i am in control... huh.

i am always struggling in my mind about god and faith and stuff. i feel so bereft of the faith that i had but in all conscience i can't pretend i am a christian anymore. my faith in god of any kind is so reduced, so full of doubt it can hardly be called faith at all.  and though some would say it doesn't matter, to me it does, it really does. it feels like someone or something infinitely precious has died in the very foundation of my soul. the god i thought i knew and loved, and who i believed loved me, has somehow disappeared becos if so much of what i believed was based on a lie, simply manipulation and control rather than the things it purported to be about, namely love, goodness, courage, kindness, compassion, then how can what i thought i had with god, that sweetness and beauty, for so many decades  -have been true?  illogical, yes. but still the case.  all my realities have gone and i am stuck in a searing wasteland of unknowing.  maybe that's all there is. maybe what i thought i had was never real anyway. maybe it was a  part of the great lie that i was taken in by, the JP lie, the lie that says that goodness and love and joy and community of human spirits is possible.  turns out it was conditional on abdication of all personal control and boundaries. 

i feel so un-anchored nowadays. and my mind is still scared of thinking too hard about what i really believe as opposed to what i was indoctrinated to believe, there's still a lot of fear about reaching out with my intellect and considering the whole issue of spirituality and in partic my own spirituality, without the framework of doctrine that underpinned my paradigms, my entire worldview, lifeview, whatever.  but i feel like i just am not the person that i was moulded into for so many decades. i don't actually agree in my heart of hearts, with a lot of the stuff i based my entire life on.  what a muddle it all is. 

[arpy1]

saturday today and i have three days 'off' (i.e. my son doesn't need taking to work till wednes) which is good and bad at the same time.  i always feel relief when i don't have to get up at stupid oclock in the morning, even tho it was me who set it up like that so that i would actually get out of bed  in the mornings.  but at the same time, i fear the days when i don't have to get up becos i do tend to waste a lot of time on those days, sleep too late, lose motivation and so on.

tomoro is rat cage cleaning day, though, so i have to get on with that, which will help. 

when did my life get so small? or was is always this small and i was kidding myself that it had some meaning?.  don't go down that path, arpy, it will lead to the black hole...

so, how am i actually doing?  i am not too bad, but still very very tired. slept for a couple of hours again today. i seem to have started doing this again the last couple weeks, i had gotten out of the habit, but that was before the fatigue set in.

i am trying to  take less meds, at the moment. will discuss with GP when i see him on wednesday but i have that feeling of 'i've got to do something to help myself' again, over the constant battle with tiredness.  i realised today that i am not doing too well with the impulse control either;  when i feel powerless i tend to do stuff on impulse, like my mind is casting around frantically for a solution to whatever it is that is making me feel out of control of my life.  and when i think i have found one i jump on it.  and often it's not the best choice, or doesn't actually change much.  it's just about making myself feel better. 

i am really rambling here so i shall stop.  i feel a bit crazy if i'm honest, like my mind is slipping away again.  this is not nice. if only i could think clearly but all i want to do is go back to sleep .

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can really relate to this arpy
When is it too much sleep and when is it not enough
The past couple of yrs I have slept so much - sometimes I have only gotten up for toilet and food and slept two nights and a day
It's hard not to beat self and inner critic take control
In learning what is mental exhaustion what is stress and what is actual tiredness
All I know is I've had to have all the sleep I've had to try and function
I am learning that exercise is I important to aid the body stress I feel but getting out the door to do it can be hard
I know what u mean by 'helping myself '
Other people seem to cope with tiredness better than I do
Wonder if it is a symptom of our condition - the stress knocks us out and then trying to do life impacts us more ...
I also get a lot of body ache I don't know if that is a symptom too

[arpy1]

Wonder if it is a symptom of our condition - the stress knocks us out and then trying to do life impacts us more ...

yes, i think it is. i find 'trying to do life' very very taxing.  trying to do normal everyday things is a real struggle, full of fear, guilt, anxiety.  even the smallest task.  trying to act 'normal' around people is even more burdensome.

i had a realisation today.  i am deeply triggered by feelings of tiredness. it makes me totally panic, feel terribly guilty, afraid, anxious.  and very very down and depressed.

i realised too the reason why this happens all the time. 

when i was in the JP (the cult i was in for years), we were kept busy all the time. i mean, all the time.  we worked all day, and every evening there was some kind of meeting, large gatherings, small gatherings.  there was never any time or space to be at rest.  to be inactive was virtually sinful.  to not be 'giving yourself' to others, 'serving the brethren', whatever, was seen as selfish, soulish, sinful. not loving God, or loving the brotherhood. to wish for times of solitude was seen as wrong, 'independent', not 'kingdom-hearted'.   to miss any meeting was not allowed.  we were constantly on the go.
then when i got married, i was unable to let go of the guilt if i ever relaxed. i used to dissociate, i think, reading books, watching tv, anything to soak up my brain which i couldn't shut down.  anything to escape from the pain of my relationship with my ex, and the constant activity involved in being his full-time carer (he was physically disabled too), both physically and psychologically. all at the same time as raising the kids, and doing all the 'man about the house' jobs he was unable to do.

in both situations, no matter how i felt, how exhausted, how depressed, how desperate, (and i was like that most of the time), i had to pull myself together and give, care, love, serve, put myself last, etc. 

so to me the feeling of tiredness is more than just feeling tired.  it is laden with guilt, fear, shame, dread. which makes it very hard to bear. 

don't quite know what this insight will lead to.  i maybe have a key to being able to rest without guilt?  or realise that i don't have to push myself over the limits when i don't need to.  or what? i am not sure.  i just felt some relief simply from the realisation itself.

[annakoen]

that sounds awful (edit: the cult I mean)

Would it help if you 'tasked' yourself with resting? Put it in your calendar or something. If it doesn't come natural (yet) maybe it will by practicing in this way? Just thinking out loud.

Try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it

[arpy1]

well, it's been a tough few days since i last posted here.  in an effort to reduce the tiredness i feel all the time i am very slowly trying to reduce the amount of meds i am taking.  very slowly. and it is actually pretty difficult to do.  i made a very small reduction in one of the antideps, and even that has tipped me into some pretty deep anxiety and EFs. i am going to give it a couple of weeks to see if i can acclimatise to it, before i think about another tiny reduction.  it is pretty frightening to me that i need to rely on such a heavy dose of medication to keep my mood even part way level. 
i took your suggestion, annakoen, about scheduling in a sleep each day, it is helping with the guilt. thanks for that.  and somehow it has helped me to get out more for walks.  as if i can do it if i know i can retreat under the duvet and recover from the EFs that inevitably happen when i go out. 

talking of going out, i totally embarrassed myself the last couple of days.  twice, twice no less. being very brave and passing the time of day with a couple of people when i was out and suddenly finding myself blurting out how ill i am and what has happened.  how could i have been so stupid??? it was like i had no control over myself.  and when i got away from them i spent hours berating myself for being so stupid and needy and spilling my guts all over people who obviously have no interest in me at all.  why would i imagine they care about me, who am i to them any way?? i still can't believe i was so stupid. i feel humiliated at my own behaviour. and also worried.  what is happening to me that i did this?  i feel like i am turning into one of those crazy old ladies you see sometimes in town, wandering around behaving weirdly, with everyone feeling embarrassed for them and avoiding them when they see them in the street. what is going on with me? am i going a bit loopy??

[Three Roses]

Arpy - so sorry to hear you've had a rough few days   I've done the same myself, blurting out my life to total strangers, and it's quite embarrassing! It was like I heard myself talking to people while inside the Real Me sat helplessly watching, horrified. Looks like it was just a temporary thing tho, hasn't happened in a while. Could it just be because you reduced your meds recently, and your system is in the process of acclimatising?

I don't think we're "going loopy" - I think we've been so strong for so long and we're facing the issues now.

Hang in there, you've got people here to support you! 

[arpy1]

i am so relieved i am not the only one who has done this Three Roses! thanks for sharing that. makes me feel a bit less foolish.  i guess it might be the meds change. time'll tell perhaps. 

this morning i woke up from a dream where i was back in the JP, and weirdly my sister was in it. (she was never part of them at all so i don't know where that came from. but she was incredibly hurtful to me when we had the baby so maybe that's it). anyway my sister was telling me (very kindly) that she and my dad didn't think i had been abused and that i didn't have cptsd at all. i asked her what she thought might be wrong with me that i was the way i am. but she wouldn't answer me. so i woke up kind of believing that i was making all this up, that i was wrong about the JP, and that it wasn't a cult, but a good church and i was therefore wrong to leave them.  and that i must be simply attention-seeking or something in being how i am.

a couple of hours in i realised how weird that dream was, but for a while there, i was believing it, and going down into an EF.  in the end i just got busy and had a nice time cleaning out the rats' cage and giving all of them a bath (always fun, they hate the water but love the towel and being dried afterwards and then they go all lickey and affectionate!) after that i thought, maybe i am not making all this stuff up.

i wondered about reading back over some of my journal pages from around the time when i left, when things were really bad and intense and horrific, just to remind myself the reason why i couldn't stay. but i bottled out, becos i know it would be too upsetting.  it seems daft to still doubt that what happened to me was wrong and it's not me that's wrong, faulty, whatever.  and it's very hard becos no one can really know what it was like in the JP unless they have been in a similar situation. there are certain things about the cult experience that are sort of unique and very hard to get your head round.  which makes it weird trying to share it with anyone outside. i don't know why i still doubt myself. it's been happening a lot lately.