My silent shame...

[chairmanmeow]

Its common that CPTSD sufferers have little or no close attachments to others, because that capacity leaves us.
I am loved by many people who have graciously put me in their hearts, and the wall of disassociation, this muting of that emotional capacity to really connect leaves me feeling miles from everyone in my social life. Like some ungrateful house cat I enter their lives they project their natures on me and I simply stay the beast I am, this highly functioning emotionally castrated sociopath. This broken person who just wants to break down and cry, whos biology has turned against him. Yet every time I open that door, try to feel and connect show that side, those same people just feel helpless in the face of that and  turn on you out of frustration and the compelling urge to act on the emotions you have stirred. Ignorance of anxiety disorders and hurtful nonchalant statements "Just get over it" "You need to man up" Whats more heartbreaking then the person you love the most throwing their hands up and leaving you when you just wanted to be close to someone who is there for you. I cant tell if this is getting better or worst anymore...

[Three Roses]

Chair man meow (I like your name) - are you reading books, talking to someone, getting help? You matter, you're here for a reason.

[chairmanmeow]

Iv been living with this since I was 3 it think, and it entered my awareness something like 5-6 years ago I read I understand a lot of what is exactly going on in my brain in my emotions in my body. But It offers little comfort or sanity these days. Sometimes I have almost normal moments, those shine an awful perspective on what my normal is. It leads me to a perspective other people cant handle so I have been quiet, but people cant seem to handle that either. I know what I need to maybe really heal but thats out of my reach right now. Im not even sure what else I could do anymore, its not like I have money, and I find no solace these days, I have a future if I can only find it in me to grasp it yet Im inclined to tuck and roll and let everything fall apart because sustaining is taking more out of me then Im starting to feel its worth, so Im looking right now for some new perspecive, took some time off of work on a trip right now delivering a sailboat, but even here I am haunted Im getting to a breaking point...... there is no help for me, professionals let me down and you dont heal attachment issues alone. I can accept things for way they are untill they are not even if I feel this way.

[Three Roses]

Pete walker's book "CPTSD from surviving to thriving" is helping me a lot. I haven't been back to therapy since i was diagnosed over two years ago... i am just now starting to feel like i could talk to someone about my past. He writes in his book about "co-counseling" with a friend or good-enough person. I've also got his workbook on the way. There are lots of articles and resources here, on top of just a ton of shoulders to cry on and people who will listen to our ranting. Keep posting and sharing! There are people here who are safe enough and good enough, who care about us. 

[healingjourney]

Its common that CPTSD sufferers have little or no close attachments to others, because that capacity leaves us.
I am loved by many people who have graciously put me in their hearts, and the wall of disassociation, this muting of that emotional capacity to really connect leaves me feeling miles from everyone in my social life.

I really related to this. Some days I walk around like there are bullets whizzing down the streets and if I don't win my minor battle in that moment, I and mankind will be endangered. Then when I encounter somebody and he/she is having an emotional issue, I look them dead in the face with the attitude of "don't you see we're at war, man- get up and win, stop complaining". I'm always ready to press on and fight, never able to sit back and relax and reflect or feel what I or others are going through.

Thank you for sharing

[Sesame]

While I do have a very supportive husband, I can relate to these feelings. No one understands me and so I've never revealed my belief I suffer from C-PTSD to anyone but him. Basically, I know too many people will tell me what you've heard and instead of being compassionate, they will attack me and make recovery a lot more difficult. So I keep it all to myself. I guess I still believe revealing everything is far too dangerous.

People like me, but would they still feel the same way if they knew everything? I'm only willing to take the risk with people I've known long enough that I feel I can trust them to be kind and understanding. I've had enough harsh criticism in my life; I don't need any more from those I spill my heart out to.

[Rainydaze]

Iv been living with this since I was 3 it think, and it entered my awareness something like 5-6 years ago I read I understand a lot of what is exactly going on in my brain in my emotions in my body. But It offers little comfort or sanity these days. Sometimes I have almost normal moments, those shine an awful perspective on what my normal is. It leads me to a perspective other people cant handle so I have been quiet, but people cant seem to handle that either. I know what I need to maybe really heal but thats out of my reach right now. Im not even sure what else I could do anymore, its not like I have money, and I find no solace these days, I have a future if I can only find it in me to grasp it yet Im inclined to tuck and roll and let everything fall apart because sustaining is taking more out of me then Im starting to feel its worth, so Im looking right now for some new perspecive, took some time off of work on a trip right now delivering a sailboat, but even here I am haunted Im getting to a breaking point...... there is no help for me, professionals let me down and you dont heal attachment issues alone. I can accept things for way they are untill they are not even if I feel this way.

Anyone who hasn't been through trauma can't handle it because they have no similar experience to reflect on and relate to. When I feel I'm doing well I reach out to 'normal' people on what feels like a shallow, superficial level because I seem to be more on a level plain with them, but if I'm having a tough time with CPTSD I recoil from them and come on here to speak to people who do get it. Unfortunately as much as you might yearn for people to change and become more understanding they won't because they're ignorant. I don't mean that in a completely derogatory way to them, it's just that for me personally unless someone has lived in fear throughout their childhood and grown up being belittled and humiliated by caregivers then they're just not going to understand how devastating it is into adulthood.

I've never felt safer than on this forum to share how I really feel and people seem to truly understand. I don't bother sharing anything with anyone outside this bubble anymore, it just leads to frustration. I hope you're feeling a little bit better, if not I think there are a lot of people here for you if you need to vent further. x

[Illiciaceae]

I can relate to your feelings. I have lost many friends: some shallow, some very deep, because I shared something from my past that they found intolerably painful, or because in a moment of sharing I broke down and behaved like a small child (despite being an adult). I have also lost precious relationships by lashing out at people when I feared abandonment, derision or carelessness from them to me. I grow closer to people until I feel compelled to behave in these ways, then when it is over I feel like myself again, and my life is in ruins.  You are not alone in this. I have had many cycles of better - worse - better. There is always progress, even small, and there is always hope. Don't give up! Recovery is within your reach!