New here & feeling lost

Started by cyndiloowho, May 31, 2016, 03:58:56 PM

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cyndiloowho

I am a 52 year old woman, with a husband of 34 years, and 3 children. My eldest and youngest children are grown, and I have 3 grandchildren. My middle child died in 2004 at the age of 20.

I was born with a cleft palate which caused me to be badly bullied by classmates. Most teachers considered me a problem for constantly needing rescuing, and also treated me crappy. At home, there was constant fighting and chaos. My mother was very emotionally abusive and screamed slot, especially at me. I always felt that she hated me because I was born w problems that she didn't want to deal with.

Growing up, we were always poor. My mother has had 5 husbands and we moved a lot, following one husband after another.

Now I can't say any more because I'm shaking now & feeling quite anxious!

It feels like I have survived, but never really lived. The world feels very scary to me. My grown kids are worried about me, and that makes me feel terrible!! I wish I could go home, to heaven, to see my other son, where I think I would find love. But I'm stuck in the daily struggle to survive.

I just want happiness & love in my life! How do I get there?

:fallingbricks:

Dutch Uncle

#1
Hi cyndiloowho  :wave:  and welcome.  :hug:

Quite a history you have had. I'm sorry abuse has been such a part of it.  :'(
Just know: I hasn't been you.

Quote from: cyndiloowho on May 31, 2016, 03:58:56 PM
It feels like I have survived, but never really lived. The world feels very scary to me. My grown kids are worried about me, and that makes me feel terrible!! I wish I could go home, to heaven, to see my other son, where I think I would find love. But I'm stuck in the daily struggle to survive.
That your grown kids are worried about you, and you feeling terrible about it does strike a chord with me. From the Adult Child point of view. (I have no kids of my own, and am about your age.)

I'm not really worried about my 80+ dad, but I do care for him. Yet, he keeps me at a big distance. I wonder if he feels as well that I'm 'worrying' about him? When I just care? And want to be near him, even in a time of (presumed, from my point of view) need?

I hope you'll find more love in this life here. Heaven can wait, no? It'll be there for you for eternity, no matter when you'll enter. I think there is much love to be had from your Adult Children and/or your H. Or am I wrong?

I'm not sure what you meant by the poll, but as I like taking polls, I voted "I'm scared".

:hug:
Dutch.

mourningdove

Hi cyndiloowho,

QuoteIt feels like I have survived, but never really lived. The world feels very scary to me.

I relate to this 100%. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. :( You've really been through a lot. I hope you can find some resources and community here that will help you. You deserve to be loved and to feel safe.

Welcome  :hug:

cyndiloowho

Thank you both for reaching out to me!

My children are worried about me because they've seen me lost & struggling all their lives. They are deeply affected, but don't understand. My childhood struggles have been discussed, generally, but I don't know how much they want to know. My daughter (my youngest) has witnessed the abuse towards me from my mother. But now that we have been estranged from her many years, for my daughter, that's in the past.

How do I balance addressing their fears & concerns without all the emotional flashbacks that it causes?

My husband has been very supportive although he doesn't always understand what's happening. I try not to worry him too much since he has terminal cancer. I'm trying to make the remainder of his time peaceful & happy!

Sure, heaven can wait. But I'm tired!!

About the poll questions... I didn't understand what that's about so wasn't sure what to say.

Thx again for your kind replies!

Dutch Uncle

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's illness. It's wonderful you try to make his life peaceful and happy.

Perhaps your children are also worried about their dad, and about how life is for you in this particular time, taking care of your husband. Perhaps they want to talk with you, and share their own emotions with regard to their dad's terminal illness. Perhaps they want to share the now with you, rather than what has passed?

I really wouldn't know, but your husbands illness affects all your lives, so perhaps that is primarily on their minds regarding their concern for you and your husband.

:hug: and take care.
Dutch

arpy1

cyndiloowho, i am just sending you a hug. don't know what to say but i feel for you and i'm so sorry for all that makes you feel like you just want to go home.  i relate so much as i have had a sick husband, lost a child, and that feeling of just surviving and not living is like an old companion to me too.  so just know that however hard it is, you're not on your own.

i too have grown kids, and they are very good to me, even tho i know that they worry about both me and their daddy (we're not together anymore, long story).  my daughter especially knows a lot about my pain and is very understanding.  maybe just giving them permission to see me vulnerable and explaining, as they're able to take it, some of the reasons behind it has meant that they are able to understand. and it helps them to understand their own pain too, i am pretty sure. whatever the case they are both the source of much love and support to me for which i am so grateful. sounds like you have some of that from your kids too. i always find it weird that my kids are so grown up and they do care.

anyway. lots of support to you. good to meet you, by the way!  :hug: