A question about boundaries?

[Bunny]

How do you set boundaries when there is no negative consequence for a particular person who repeatedly violates them?

I'll give an example of an old situation I never found a solution to (it's not current so doesn't need a solution).  My exhusband was a violent abuser during the ten years we were together.  When I escaped, I got a restraining order saying he wasn't allowed to come near my house, wasn't allowed to call me, etc.  Over the following three years, he found repeated ways to violate this boundary.  First it was through the legal system - he manipulated the family court into giving him shared custody despite the fact that we separated due to his abuse of our child.  And with shared custody, despite his multiple convictions for assaulting me, the family court also gave him permission to pick up our child from my house, and to make calls to my phone three nights a week to talk to our child. He used the court system to get past my boundaries - and I was stuck with if I didn't allow these things, I could be arrested for interfering with the family court's orders.

But that still wasn't good enough for him.   He would call me outside of the three nights the family court allowed him to call and he got away with violating that boundary because none of the local police would take enforcing the restraining order seriously.  With the police not enforcing the restraining order (and every legal avenue I tried to get the police to enforce it ignored), there was no other negative consequence for him.  Because of the family court order saying I had to give him my phone number to call our child, changing my phone number wasn't enough, and at the time, I couldn't afford a second phone so that one was just for him to call our child and switched off at other times.  And in regards to the coming to my house to pick up our child?  Well that was unavoidable, but again the police wouldn't do anything to stop him coming at other times and when it came to picking up our child, I tried to insist that he not be stoned on illicit drugs, but he got around that by if I didn't hand over our child to him, he would call the police and use them to say if I didn't over our child, he would have me arrested (yes they do that here), and no matter how many times I tried to point out to him that he was off his face on drugs, they just claimed that if he's not in possession of drugs and is operating a motor vehicle, there isn't a thing they could do to arrest him on the spot, and even though him being high was a violation of the family court order, the police just kept insisting that it was a civil matter, not a criminal matter and they couldn't (or more precisely, wouldn't) drug test him.

So for three years, until he got sick of the effort of seeing our child every second weekend, he constantly violated every boundary that me and my lawyers tried to put in place to protect my child and I.

Thankfully that was a long time ago, so is only an example of how someone can get away with repeatedly violating boundaries when there is no negative consequences that can be enforced (I mean, I suppose I could have resorted to illegal activities to stop him, but I'm not willing to do that sort of thing as that would have made me as bad as him).

Anyway, I'm currently in a very different situation, but still a situation where a particular person in my life keeps violating my boundaries but there is no negative consequence for them - no matter what I do, it has no negative effect on them, and the consequences for me are either bad or worse.  I can put in place boundaries and follow through on certain consequences when those boundaries are violated, but it still puts me in an even worse position than just putting up with the violation of boundaries and saying and doing nothing (which also is not a healthy long term option).

I so don't know what to do because this person goes out of their way to deliberately violate every single boundary I try to put in place (purely out of a desire to violate my boundaries, not even this person having a particular problem with most of the individual boundaries). I don't want to publicly go into details, but please accept that removing this person from my life is not possible at this time (maybe one day, but not currently - just like the situation with my exhusband and not being able to remove him from my life unless he chose to leave it, or until our child reached their 18th birthday - I was stuck with him, thankfully after 3 years of trying to mess with my life and our child's life, he walked away - possibly but highly unlikely with my current boundary violator).

How can I come up with ways to stop someone violating my boundaries that doesn't end up making things worse for me and my family?  What if there is no way to stop someone that doesn't make things worse?  (and it's a very real thing - several women in my town have been murdered in the last few years by family members or expartners after trying to put boundaries in place to protect themselves or their children - the reality is, sometimes putting boundaries in place can be more dangerous than not).

I don't want to stop trying to put boundaries in place to protect me and my family, but I'm out of ideas as to how to that won't make things worse.  I also can't face not trying to put boundaries in place.  Why is it that some people take so great pride in going out of there way just to get past others boundaries?

[Danaus plexippus]

I had a miserable time at work a few years ago. Two secretaries badmouthed me to everyone in the office, lied to my manager and harangued me incessantly. I never really hated my job or dreaded going into work till this started. I had been putting off surgery till I had saved up enough vacation and sick leave to stay out of work for 6 months of post surgery rehab. When I came back to work the secretaries were singing a different tune. With out me there to do my work, the instigator of the harassment dumped her cohort, leaving her with all her own work plus mine.  The deluded cohort now shows me respect, appreciation, cooperation and consideration. All I had to do was disappear for 6 months. Although much of the truth has come out, the damage to my reputation from their lies may never be fully repaired. That's life's lessons learned. I could not quit my job and was not able to get a transfer, but I took care of my health needs and they got a big taste of pay back. See if you can't find a way to put distance between you and your tormentor even if it is only temporary. I chose to undergo painful debilitating surgery to get away from my intolerable situation. I hope you can find a more pleasurable getaway.

[Kizzie]

Hi Bunny - I don't know if you've seen our sister site Out Of the Fog but it's for people affected by someone with a personality disorder and stalker like behaviour (constant boundary busting) can be a symptom of a PD.  OOTF has a toolbox for dealing with this kind of behaviour that may be useful. 

[Bunny]

Hi Bunny - I don't know if you've seen our sister site Out Of the Fog but it's for people affected by someone with a personality disorder and stalker like behaviour (constant boundary busting) can be a symptom of a PD.  OOTF has a toolbox for dealing with this kind of behaviour that may be useful.

Thanks Kizzie.  Is there much on dealing with someone who has avoidant personality disorder?  That's why this person in my life currently keeps finding ways to violate my boundaries.  They get through my boundaries with avoidant abuse mostly (although there are some other forms of abuse involved).  But I can't see any way to escape it.  The simplest explanation I can think of that won't reveal too much of my life in case they, or someone else we know, ever reads this post, is I have serious physical health problems and this person is my carer, and even though I'm searching for other options for carers, it's a very messy situation, and if I don't have someone who can help me, with both my kids having special needs (one with autism, both with ADHD), there is no way I can manage the kids alone.  If I remove this carer from my life, the kids will more than likely end up in foster care (which is a very dangerous system here). 

I am looking into other options - desperately looking into other options - and I have my own psychologist and a social worker helping me try to find  solutions, as well as others trying to help, but it's not easy, not easy at all.  Especially when there are custody issues with my kids (and safety issues with the oldest's father) to take into account that mean moving somewhere where I know I could get help isn't an option without leaving the kids behind, which is  I suppose technology an option but not one I'm willing to do to my kids.

It's just hard - I can't escape the abuse of this person in my life without screwing up my kids' futures.  But it's so hard to get even some professionals to see the damage that someone with avoidant personality can do when they are control freaks.

[Danaus plexippus]

Thanks Kizzie, I will definitely check out that tool box. Although things are much better now at work, I still feel anxiety at times. The cohort was on leave the other day and as my anxiety rose I had to keep reminding myself, She is not here today. There is only so much medication I can take and still be able to do my job. This tool box of which you speak sounds interesting.