annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

I've joined support groups for children of autistic parents. Haven't joined a support group for children of alcoholics yet, but I'm seriously considering it. In the meantime, I've decided that writing a recovery journal might be a good thing to do. The positive word "recovery" in "recovery journal" might help me keep an eye on the road I *want* to be traveling so that I may slowly make my way towards it. I once did a car skid training thing, where the one thing they kept repeating was "Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

Where do I want to go?

I want to feel more calm and in peace with my life. In my private life, I have a great husband (talked about him in the first thread I opened) and things are well. However, work is a major pain in the *. I causes me loads and shitloads of anxiety. Which isn't a lot of fun for my hubby of course, in the long run this puts a strain on our relationship. I keep falling back into anxiety and I want to find a way to manage that.

So, for this journal, that's going to be my main topic for now: How to manage my anxiety with respect to my job.

What I'm doing currently: I take three walks a day during work, one at 10 AM, one around noon and one around 3PM. I have marked it in my calendar and my computer at work pops up a reminder at those times.

[Dutch Uncle]

Congrats on starting your recovery journal, indeed. 

"Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

I like that!

On a side note: I've been looking for support groups for children of autistic parents, but so far I couldn't find any. (It's a small country I'm living in, and somehow support groups in general are not a popular thing.) So if you want and can share on how things go there, I'd love to know. In a separate thread preferably, but if you want, feel free to share here.

My recovery journal has helped me a lot, I wish it will be helpful to you as well.

[annakoen]

Congrats on starting your recovery journal, indeed. 

"Once the car starts to skid, don't look at where you don't want to go. Look at where you want to go. Your hands will steer towards where you are looking".

I like that!

On a side note: I've been looking for support groups for children of autistic parents, but so far I couldn't find any. (It's a small country I'm living in, and somehow support groups in general are not a popular thing.) So if you want and can share on how things go there, I'd love to know. In a separate thread preferably, but if you want, feel free to share here.

My recovery journal has helped me a lot, I wish it will be helpful to you as well.

PM'ed you on the topic of support groups.

The support groups I go to are organized by female volunteers, who are also daughter of an autistic parent (or both parents even) themselves. They found, in the years that they've been organizing this, that many children of an autistic parent struggle with being themselves. Children of autistic parents often learned to always do what the other needs or wants, to satisfy the other's needs. Their own needs were often not seen at all by the autistic parent and often also not by the non-autistic parent. (It could be that if someone had a non-autistic parent that was able to compensate for the deficits of the autistic parent, they would not need such a support group.) Support groups with professional psychologists were found not to be so helpful. Presence of autistic participants would drive non-autistic participants away as well, they would not return to participate again. (Again, due to this pathological response to always adapt to the other, when an autistic participant was present, the non-autistic participants would immediately be triggered. I think of all places online, here people will understand the best what this means.) Therefore, these groups are for non-autistic participants only.

It's a homely setting (often quite literally) and often it takes on a kind of Q and A style. Someone will say "I have found that.... Do you recognize this?" and more often than not others will have a similar story to tell. It's very reassuring. There's always tea and cookies

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks a lot. I did search for groups like this, even found some, but never got a reply on my e-mails I did send them.

Thanks for this opening. I think a good part of my recovery will be to share my experiences with my fellow peers.

In a strange coincidence (well, probably not... but subconsciously I guess) my DramaMama worked as a nurse in a psychiatric hospital where people with autism stayed. (we're talking the mid 20^th century now.)

Ok, enough with the thread-jack as far as I'm concerned. I'll leave it yours. (I tend to not reply much in these private journals.)

Thanks a bunch, again.

[annakoen]

Trigger trigger trigger ow ow ow

Today, a colleague made a joke I didn't get during a meeting. When he sent me a PM with link to a YouTube video that took forever, I asked for the short version. He replied that that was the point of the joke.  In other words, what I had to say took too long for him.

This hurts soo much. Not being seen and heard is a huge issue for me, and jokes like this are a slap in the face for me. It hurts, badly.

I'm now standing outside the office, I walked out for a breath of air.

Ow ow ow pain pain pain. I'm not going back in for another few minutes...

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[annakoen]

OK, quick breather helped.
We (colleagues) always go for a walk after lunch but now my ears are ringing (I have tinnitus) which, when it's really bad means my brain is overloaded. So I snuck into the toilet on our way out and said "catch you later!". Now, I can go for a walk all by myself

Learning to take good care of myself is something my therapist urged me to do. I'm easily overwhelmed at work and going for solitary walks is a must. I need to allow my anxiety to settle down.

[annakoen]

Thanks D/U

[annakoen]

Need to learn a more positive inner dialogue, so here's some practice: yesterday I met a stranger at a small gathering who was very open and it was comfortable to talk with him about various topics, such as the education system, society, culture. He told me about his former jobs, that he's retired and talked about his children and grandchildren. At some point he showed genuine interest and asked what kind of "nest" I grew up in. I said I didn't really want to talk about it and he looked compassionate and said "they didn't see you?" somehow I felt comfortable enough to talk about some of it and summarised it: alcoholic dad, autistic mom. He listened, asked questions and told me I was great at explaining autism. He said he thought I'd be good at explaining to parents of an autistic child what autism means. Then, he told me his brother has autism. We talked about disorders, parenting and whatnot. In the end we both thanked each other for the conversation, he hoped we'd run into each other again perhaps. This felt genuine and I was happy I stayed at the gathering that evening instead of going home early as I had intended.

Takeaways: I'm not broken, I am able and in fact good at communicating and connecting! 

[annakoen]

Fear fear fear fear.

It's Saturday morning and I'm anxious. The trigger was something my husband said yesterday evening. The whole story goes back to Thursday afternoon.

I work in a large team, lead by two team leads. This team is sometimes split up into smaller groups, sometimes not. This has been going back and forth for a while. For my taste, the team is far too large. I indicated this a week ago to team lead #1. Thursday afternoon, team lead #1 hesitantly walked over to the desk of myself and a few other colleagues and started with "So... erm... I just talked on the phone to team lead #2, and.. he's not coming back from holiday for a while. He's got a burn out." We all responded warmly of course, asking after #2's well being, asking if a get well card would be sent around. At some point, I told #1 that if he needed any kind of help, please let us know.

Now, I've talked with the boss a while back and indicated that in the long run I have leadership ambitions. So, this seemed like a good opportunity to offer help and hope that this would yield opportunities for growth. #1 looked thoughtful for a while and then echoed what I had said a week back "The team is quite large." and then followed by speaking a thought out loud, that maybe he'd split up the team. I repeated that if he needed any help, he need just ask.

Forward to Friday morning. I have an e-mail in my inbox, sent to myself and someone else on my team, with a request for a meeting. Team lead #1 explained that he wants to split up the team, at least temporary, and that he was thinking of making myself and other colleague temporary sub-team-leads. Myself and said colleague had both offered to help, so he would like to take us up on the offer, if we feel this is a good direction. I love the idea, it's exactly what I had in mind had I been in the position to decide, the team is really large and I felt a split-up would be good. Also, that my offer for help was noticed and that I now get the opportunity to stand in for a while is a good career opportunity.

Towards the end of the meeting, team lead #1 asked us if we had any concerns. In fact, I have two. Stemming from my C-PTSD of course, but I've never mentioned that to anyone. (When I told my T I think people don't really see that I'm struggling with trauma, she agreed that probably most people won't notice.) So I mentioned both concerns. Firstly, I said that I really need support with this. It's not a matter of just throwing me at it. #1 agreed and said that initially, he will be there for every meeting and every task and that I can decide for myself when I can do it on my own. If that moment doesn't come at all, it's no problem.

The second concern... I stammered and hestated and sought for the words, because it's a difficult topic: One of my colleagues is a Narc. Nobody notices but All My Alarm Bells are ringing. It's awful, those types of people: I either get sucked in as a source of Narc. supply, or I end up in a power struggle with them. Neither, I want. So I stammered and hestated that "for personal reasons, I have trouble with a certain personality type" and that "there is one person in the team with that type of personality" and "It's a private matter really, it's nothing to do with the team, but I have some trouble handling this personality type". I may have stammered too much, but #1 was really calm and understanding and said "Well, you can't avoid some types of people, but if you're not ready for that yet, we'll have to see how to arrange that". Colleague next to me said "But at some point you're gonna have to tell who it is" and I replied "Of course, I don't want to pick anyone out, it's a difficult topic because I don't want to make it appear as if I don't like that person, it's just that I might clash with them at some point in time and wish to avoid it for now". Team lead #1 suggested we split up the team first, and then I get first pick.

I stood up for my needs!!!!!!!

My husband said, in the evening when I recounted the story "That's an awful lot of dodging the topic you did there".

And that remark hurt.

I stood up for myself, for my needs, I already have difficulty with being happy and pleased that I have an opportunity for career growth, and now all I can think about is "What if, because I stumbled and hestitated, they're going to think I'm weak, or worse, what if they find out I am broken and a flawed human being?!?"

It hurts..

Right now, I have trouble with it, but I know the right thing to do is:

* Reward myself for standing up for myself. I did that very well. A while back I told myself I would stand up for myself, no matter how much I'd stumble while doing so.

* Try to enjoy and be happy about this career opportunity. Acknowledge that if #1'd think I'm not suited for the role, he wouldn't ask me.

[annakoen]

There's no reason to believe they're unhappy with my work, I've received positive remarks. And yet.. And yet. I'm thinking "I'm not getting anything done, I'm not getting anything done."

Stop. I'm doing enough. I *am* enough

[annakoen]

Fear fear... Geez that's the only mode my brain has...
I've noticed that keeping this journal is somehow purging. It helps get the anxiety down.

So, here goes:

Mostly, I'm afraid of this N colleague. Everyone thinks he's funny, positive, witty... But I see the manipulations for what they are: Attempts at getting N supply. Every sentence he utters is about himself, one way or another. It has made me worry if I'm N myself, because somehow I understand the need for validation. What's the difference, really? Apparently, an N is so damaged from his/her childhood that they will do anything to get any kind of validation. Where's the line?

I have succesfully kept N out of my subteam. I have been allowed to choose from three subteams the one I liked. I asked #1 and other colleague if they had any preferences for their subteam and they indicated no. I then stated that looking at the names in subteam X made me really cheerful and they had no problem whatsoever to allow me to be temporary stand-in for this subteam. (It's a group of wonderful people I think have great skills and personalities, all very different but will be great contributors in their own way.)

Why am I so focused on N? I think it has to do with my father.

Last night I had a dream, where my father wanted to hug me. A real, genuine, warm hug. And I refused. He got angry and said he finally understood and he wanted to make it right. And I yelled at him stating that after a childhood of neglect, you don't get to decide when it's all well again. I shouted, screamed. And then... I felt I really wanted the hug. I needed it. And then I APOLOGIZED FOR NOT ALLOWING HIM TO HUG ME!! What the *!? At the end of the dream, I got the hug. And it felt... good and bad at the same time.

I will always apologize first. I will give the other what *they* need. It's the only way I know how to get what *I* need, but it makes me feel like I'm violating myself.

I know this about myself, and that's why I'm afraid of N. Because it feels either I will fall into the trap and be a source of N supply, or I will refuse vehemently, which is *also* a source of N supply and will pull me into a power struggle.

So... what do I DO?!?!?!




Nothing.
Breathe annakoen. Breathe.

[arpy1]

just wanted to send you a hug and say you don't sound like a narcissist to me.  narcs don't think they are narcs, they don't even worry about it. they're too focussed on being the centre of every universe.

and you did really good at work. and ok, it was hard and you stammered. so who wouldn't, when they are doing something they are scared of and doing it anyway? you were amazing. and it paid off.

big respect to you for all of that. fear is the mind killer but you fought through it  and you show true courage. i'm sure that  your mind will catch up later, when the emotional flashbacks this has triggered have eased a bit. 

[annakoen]

Arpy, thank you so much for your kind words.

[annakoen]

Why oh why can I not resist being the one who responds to appeals?

Today, during a meeting, there was a short quiz  "what would you do if...?" and the presenter, my boss' boss, had options to choose from. He asks, "who would choose A?". Nobody raises their hand. "Who chooses B"? Again, nobody. This goes on until G is reached: 'other'. My hand shoots up, with only a few others.

Boss asks who would elaborate on that and again I almost jump out of my chair to answer.

Why? Why do I feel I have to 'Help' / 'Compensate for everyone else' / 'be a good girl'?

After I answer, two other people respond. They stay seated, however. Boss replies with that we all had good points but didn't cover everything.

I'm embarrassed afterwards. What will everyone else think of me?

Inner Critic goes: who do you think you are? You're too eager, too arrogant. You should have stayed seated, should have kept your mouth shut! You stand out like a sore thumb. See, you're different again, you don't fit in!

Inner Critic, SHUT UP!