annakoen's journal

Started by annakoen, June 01, 2016, 01:29:27 PM

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annakoen

Urgh ugh urgh. Bad evening yesterday. Well, not bad per se, but disconnected. From myself and hubby. It frustrated him. I'm feeling guilty and upset, but know rationally that trying to 'make up' like a puppy that didn't do anything wrong but *thinks* it did, well... That's cute when it's a puppy, not so when it's your spouse.

Trying to calm down. Session with my T this afternoon, great timing!

annakoen

I really, really, really need to take up journaling again. It was helping me cope, but I stopped for a whole month.
I'm really stressed out right now. It's the middle of the night here and I haven't slept for a minute yet. I know this will only add to my anxiety and stress in the morning, but I'm afraid to call in sick, especially after the meeting we had today. It was such a heavy meeting, with emotions flaring up and misunderstandings all over the place. I got angry and snapped at someone and other people fell over each-other to complain. Manager's behavior is extremely triggering for me and I can't seem to calm down.

If I call in sick, I'll feel like a failure. If I don't call in sick, it may end in crying at work.

annakoen

Called in sick. Emailed my therapist, I'm going to go for a diagnosis. Ptsd, cptsd, dissociation, anxiety disorder, whatever fits, one or multiple. I can't go on like this until my old age...

Stress stress stress, pain pain pain

Three Roses


Wife#2

That was hard to do, but healthy, too. You are worth this effort, though.  :hug:

annakoen

Three Roses, Wife#2, thank you for reaching out to me. I feel guilty at times that I cannot be more involved in this community, I hope I will have an easier time ahead so that I can give back.

So, yeah, sleepless night again. Anxiety. It's tougher in the week before my period usually (due this Friday)

I have an extra appointment with my T, this Wednesday, and in January I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. (still have to ask my GP for a referral though, not looking forward to that. Don't expect I'll have to defend myself but I always brace for just that....)

Colleague at work today, whom I have recently become the supervisor of, took me apart to inform me he may have an anxiety disorder and is seeing a T,  so he may miss days at work. I felt really comforted by firstly his trust, entrusting me with that information, and as a de-stigmatisation.. I'm not the only one struggling out there...

annakoen

I feel threatened. Our team's performance is being questioned. Fair question in itself but it terrifies me to the bone...

I wanted to write I can't handle it, but deleted that sentence, that's a good sign at least...

annakoen

I'm stuck in an EF, have been for more than 5 days now I think. Insomnia again.

Three Roses

:hugs: wishing you peace & healing :)

annakoen

Going for a diagnosis. In less than a week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Hanging in there. I'm doing okay right now :)

annakoen

I haven't written in a while. Things are reasonably well. I'm decreasing the amount of therapy sessions. That's good. But now I have a lot of dissociation going on lately. Not so good.

annakoen

Anxious day.

Something hurts real bad: I see narcissistic tendencies in my sibling.

Thus throws me off so bad. It makes me doubt myself as well. Could I have narcissistic tendencies too? Am I kind enough to my husband? I often have so little energy left for others. When that happens, I feel quite inadequate. I hereby vow to pay more attention to the friends in my life and cultivate my friendships!

It feels really bad to see the genuine personality of my sibling disappear. I get nothing but emails and messages that do nothing but try to evoke a response from me. He cannot handle any type of feedback that is not totally 100% positive. This has steadily been getting worse. These tendencies have always been there but lately it's ridiculous. He is even bothering my husband with messages and emails. He tends to 'steal' hobbies by suddenly being very interested in them too and then demands to ask or give unwanted advice.

It hurts because I see how damaged he is underneath. But I see no way to help him, because he refuses any conversations that he cannot dominate...

Sad day

annakoen

This week, I've been practicing saying no. Standing my ground. Happy with that, I'm feeling a lot better.

annakoen

Yowtch, anxiety attack...

Work related. Again   :|
Sensitive to perceived criticism. Boss seems to think I'm not consciously managing my stress. God, Psych, come up with that diagnosis already...

Promised hubby I would call my psychiatrist... But I really don't want to call just to say "thought I'd let you know I'm anxious again". Ugh...

Three Roses

I'm with hub. Maybe your psych needs to know it's too the point edger others (like your boss) are commenting on it. Could speed up the process? Big, gentle hugs to you :hug: