annakoen's journal

[arpy1]

  i am exactly the same !!!!  and i feel the same afterwards too!  at least now i know i'm not the only one 

[annakoen]

i am exactly the same !!!!  and i feel the same afterwards too!  at least now i know i'm not the only one 

And your response, in turn, makes me feel relieved that I'm not the only one either. Thanks

[annakoen]

Ugh headache
But! I'm doing well today

I'm now taking a short walk, got myself out of the office and in to the fresh air as I promised myself. Work isn't so bad today. I'm very productive by the company's standards, and not that unproductive by my own

[arpy1]

 

[annakoen]

Creating new connections in my brain.

Today, I visited a friend who told me that she is suffering from depression again. This is the second time she has a depression. I felt bad for her and gave her a hug she needed very much. We talked briefly about it and about her feelings of self-doubt and that her husband isn't supporting her in the way that she needs. He was at home, so when he came back downstairs from putting their baby girl to bed, we talked about the usual things. Kids, work, hobbies. Felt sorry that my friend and I couldn't spend a little more time talking with just the two of us. I might visit her on Wednesday, when she has a day off. I can leave early from work and visit her.

Now that I'm back home, with a cup of tea I've just made and two cats comfortably purring in my lap I realize how happy I am at home, with my husband and cats and a place to call my own.

Well bleep... I'm pretty damn content right now

[annakoen]

Ugh ugh ugh work is frustrating today. Everything's so unclear, so unproductive... It's driving me crazy

Breathe

[annakoen]

Don't feed the narcissist

[Dutch Uncle]

 

[annakoen]

Someone emails something. Someone else misunderstands and asks for explanation. I understood correctly and want to reply that I agree so I explain and state my opinion. Now first person is upset that I spoke on behalf of her...

I know she has her own process but it upsets me in turn. I am so done with having to slow down for others to catch up...

[annakoen]

I don't know exactly how I did it, but I just managed to fight off my Inner Critic.

I responded to aforementioned person that I understand her feelings. I typed I didn't think I'd always be able to wait for her to clarify herself, I'm impulsive and quick and will reply to a message. It felt natural to me to just clarify something (it was a really small thing). "But," I ended with "I understand and I will do my best to keep it in mind from now on."

Her response: "Yes, that would be a good exercise in self control..."

And I was fuming for a while there. I wanted to type back a lot of things, including "ouch, that hurt" followed by a lot of snarky, hurtful things at her address.

I got into instant rumination mode. I did it wrong again! She's upset and I have to fix it, but I don't want to beyond what I have already done. I have told her I understood and that I would do my best to keep it in mind. My Inner Critic is pushing me to devalue myself, to apologize twenty times because the other person got upset, to crawl on the floor because I was impulsive again. I won't. I didn't apologize. There was nothing to apologize for and that's the end of it.

I am done apologizing for who I am, and most of all I'm done apologizing for things that are so very unimportant, like someone getting upset that someone else clarifies a message.

I'm impulsive. If your fragile soul can't handle that, then we're not a match and we'd best not interact too much.

[Three Roses]

    

Good for you! You rock

[annakoen]

Thanks!!

[arpy1]

yep, i agree. it's one thing apologising for upsetting someone, quite another taking responsibility for fixing their feelings. the first is good, the second has to be their job.  you did good!

[Dutch Uncle]

It's one thing apologising for upsetting someone, quite another taking responsibility for fixing their feelings. the first is good, the second has to be their job.

Oh, I like this definition and approach.       Not quite the thing I'm used to do... (The "not taking responsibility of their feelings", that is.  The other I can do just fine.)
Thanks.

And I agree with arpy1, you did well annakoen. 

[annakoen]

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, three roses, arpy and dutch uncle.

Yes, it makes sense. Knowing that you're not responsible for others' feelings is hard if you've grown up having been made to take care of your parents' feelings... Thanks for spelling that out, it helps, I can learn how to navigate this