annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

Thank you Blueberry.

Yes, things are looking up! 

Truth be told, I had a really bad evening last night. Woke up at 4AM very hungry. Ate something. But I felt very very depressed. Soooo depressed. My life felt miserable and without hope. My period is due in a week or so, and we've so far always attributed it to PMS. But PMS was never this bad in my teens and twenties! I had the pill and Mirena then, is what my husband says. But still... PMS has been getting worse and worse every time. I am seriously dreading it now. I never used to have that.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and there are several things that could contribute to PMS. Food intolerance is one of them. Adrenal fatigue is another. And adrenal fatigue... boy that resonates with me. My poor body has been under so much stress. For years and years and years. And adrenal fatigue can make food intolerance worse, or even cause it and food intolerance feeds into adrenal fatigue!

I'm hoping that tackling what I eat will help in the long run. It would make it so much more manageable to know that there is a trigger somewhere that I can identify and then eliminate. I'm really hopeful and optimistic at the moment.

I've temporarily cut out gluten and dairy and try to minimize my sugar intake. So far, still no anxiety attacks for three weeks. It's looking really good. One more week to go, let's see how my PMS goes and then I've been doing this for four weeks. If this helps, I'm sticking with it for another four weeks. At the very least. I may never go back.

As it stands, I'm starting to suspect that nightshades could be contributing to the depressive episodes. So, I intend to limit my intake of those.
Who am I kidding, I want to stop eating them right away! I'm keeping a food journal. Let's see how it all works out. I don't care if I have to live off cucumber the rest of my life, as long as I'm feeling happier. That's the whole point.

Oh I don't know if I've written this down already, but improvements so far:
- no anxiety
- better sense of smell and taste
- more confidence
- less sweating
- better sense of touch / heat / cold
- better awareness of my surroundings (although it is nowhere where I want it to be and goes up and down)
- shoulders are less tight (more cracking of the shoulders and to be honest more pain as well.. but it used to be so tight I didn't feel *anything*)
- more feeling in my belly / stomach

It's already a good experiment. The upcoming week does make me a bit nervous. I'm hoping this isn't just a lucky streak and will really help me through my PMS as well.
I'm hopeful and optimistic, but also a bit nervous and uncertain. Weird feeling.

[sanmagic7]

anna, well done!  it sounds like you're really doing a good job with this experiment.  i can relate to adrenal fatigue, too.  it definitely can interfere with so much.

sending a hug filled with encouragement to keep going - i think you're doing great - and lots of love.

[annakoen]

Thank you sanmagic.
Yes, this experiment is brilliant.

I was worried about PMS coming up... Well.. That tough night *was* my PMS! My period came 4 days early. And I haven't been nearly as miserable as I tend to be!!

I'm so happy! 

My husband thinks I'm overdoing it with the dieting though. I want to eliminate more foods that I think upset me and he said "Just finish this (=gluten, dairy) first". He also said "I want to be able to go out for dinner together." and "I like eating the same things at home together."

I understand now that he's worried this will mean we won't eat together. That the togetherness will go away. I now see that eating a meal together is really important to him. If I fuss about food, it apparently feels to him like we're not doing this together. Subconsciously, he expects this to be a temporary thing.

I haven't the heart to tell him it could take anywhere between 6 months to 2 years for symptoms to subside.

I don't know what will happen the next few months, but if symptoms keep improving, I don't intend to expose myself to these food groups anytime soon....

[annakoen]

Started reading The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Wow. Just, wow

[Three Roses]

Love that book. Gave me a much better view of how deep the damage goes. CPTSD really is an injury and not an illness.

[annakoen]

Yes, thank you for that phrase, three roses. This book makes it clear that I don't "have" any disorders. I am not fundamentally defective. I am injured. And it also made clear what to do: yoga, massages, writing. Maybe more but these are the ones I'm picking. Also contacted a therapist specialized in EMDR, let's see what that does. The book said it didn't do as much for childhood trauma, but I'm going to try.

I'm just afraid that it might be "too late" for EMDR. Ten years ago, I had so many vivid flashbacks. I knew what had happened to me. Today, I have so much stress but I can't remember why. I fear I have repressed a lot, just to be able to function. How will I be able to bring up things to process with EMDR if I can't remember?....

[annakoen]

Still, the road ahead is clearer now.

I wish that book had existed in 2004...but then again, the therapists I got probably wouldn't have read it...

I'm thinking about sending them a copy of this.

Also, the book says something my current therapist feels rather alone in: that helping the client make language where there is none, is vital. My therapist had always (in her schooling) been forbidden to explain things to her patients. I'm going to copy that page and give it to her. I'm sure she'll be glad to read that affirmation of what she felt was right

[Three Roses]

That's a great idea, annakoen. I believe in getting the word out to therapists and encouraging education in those in the medical field, in hopes that it will have a ripple effect and spread the word about cptsd. 

[annakoen]

I've shared the chapter with my therapist. She appreciated it and thanked me for sharing it
Not sure yet if I'll send anything to my former therapists. I'd like to, but I don't have the money and energy to spare. So this will have to wait until later.

I am typing this to get something off my chest. My brother is begging for attention again. He is now claiming that he will quit his job to travel the world. Do what you must brother, but you'll get no compliments from me until you've done it. He has done this more times than I can count: Claim that he'll do some amazing lifechanging thing (change his job, quit and go to university, move cities, etc etc) and he'll never do it. He just wants attention. He just wants narcissistic supply. He sent me a link to polarsteps, urging me to start following his travels. Dude, you haven't left yet. Also, he wanted to "meet up with me before he left". I replied: "We'll meet up right before your flight. Let me know when that is." Haven't heard from him since. See, I don't really think he has quit his job. He never confirmed it. He was going on and on about his travels and how he'd let me know what his boss would "offer" him. You see, I think his boss wants to get rid of him and will propose him something like: You want to travel? Well, how about we terminate your contract and give you two months' salary to go with you on your travels? This is just me speculating, but I've seen my brother and the way he acts. I can vividly imagine his boss is sick and tired of him. But hey, maybe my brother is a model employee. What do I know? All I know is I am tired of him demanding attention.

My dad is no different. He sent me a WhatsApp asking if I received the polarsteps link. And "if I knew how that worked". FY dad. I've catered to your emotional needs my entire childhood. You're on your own. I apped: "I got a link too but haven't checked. Don't know how it works." My dad sends back: Then we'll have to figure that out.

I'm silently screaming inside my skull: There is no WE! 

Go away. Leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you two in the foreseeable future.

I've taken up the habit of deleting texts that upset me. Maybe it's childish, but it really helps to calm me.

[annakoen]

I am so, so bloody pissed.

My therapist encouraged me to connect with my anger. Well, here it is. I'm seething.

[annakoen]

Okay, this anger helps me. It's telling me stuff.

Firstly, if my dad says "we" he never means doing something together. He always means: "Can you take care of... ?"

Ugh

[sanmagic7]

hey, anna, i think deleting those texts is a show of empowerment.  just my opinion, but if they help you feel better, then i'm all for it.

glad for you that you're getting in touch with your anger.  it's an important asset for us at times, i believe.  keep going, you're doing great.  sending love and a hug filled with support and encouragement.

[annakoen]

Thank you San, I appreciate it

[annakoen]

Been feeling crappy the past four days. PMS (=anxiety) on Saturday and the aftermath consisting of more anxiety.

I can't seem to relax. I don't like life right now. I dislike needing money. I dislike not feeling like I can make my own choices. I dislike my anxious brain and body. Why can't I just be happy like everyone else?   

[annakoen]

Installed an app called GoodDays. It shows you a red/green calendar. Right now, I *know* the past month has been good, but these four days screw it all over. I need to keep some proof for myself. That my life isn't * all the time. That I am actually happy on a lot of days, contrary to what my anxiety wants me to believe