annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

Ha! Triumphant "HA!"

My physiotherapist concluded I have mild hypermobility. Not the extreme kind where people spontaneously dislocate shoulders, but noteworthy nonetheless.
And look what I found: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3365276/

"Joint hypermobility is overrepresented among people with anxiety and can be associated with abnormal autonomic reactivity."
"Individuals with hypermobility are (up to 16 times) overrepresented among those with panic or anxiety disorders."

Also: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201806/hypermobility-and-anxiety

Apparently, if your joints are more flexible, you can have the paradox of being really tense! Your muscles will try to overcompensate to get some semblance of balance. Because being too mobile means you are more 'wobbly'! And apparently, it can also cause tight shoulder muscles and shoulder pain! 

So.. here is yet another marker for my anxiety and shoulder pains and whatnot!
And it is not "all in  my mind" ! 

[annakoen]

Watched some YouTube videos: No, not *that* flexible... I can put one thumb to my forearm, not the other. I can bend my elbows past 180, but only slightly. I can touch the ground without bending my knees. But I can't jump rope with my own arms, or turn my leg backwards in its socket. BUT. I am more mobile than average. The physiotherapist confirmed that this may have caused my muscles to lock up, in order to overcompensate for the unbalanced feeling it gives me.

[annakoen]

Is ruminating and the inner criticism a form of self-harm? I think it is.

God, modern medicine sucks. They treat only one symptom, and ignore the rest. How blind they are to the human condition.

[sanmagic7]

hey, anna,

good point you bring up about ruminating/self-criticism = self-harm.   interesting thought.  i think i could be, actually, if i think about it.  either can certainly be a way to keep ourselves from moving forward or doing something positive for ourselves.  and either isn't a 'neutral' type of behavior.  hmmm . . .

i'm with you all the way about how we're not treated as whole people by most in the medical field, but rather as a series of symptoms.  and all the new drugs that are appearing to treat all the newest symptoms brought on by older drugs being used to treat other symptoms at the same time creating newer symptoms.  what a vicious cycle.

interesting insight into the whole flexibility/muscle tenseness scenario.   more 'wobbly' - never heard it put that way, but it makes sense.  thanks for sharing.

love and hugs to you.

[annakoen]

I think nobody goes "Hey you know what would be a good idea? Drinking myself into oblivion". Self-harm is inherently an unhealthy coping mechanism. And I think rumination/inner critic is too. It is consistent with ptsd, but the damage and hence the coping is more emotional than physical

[annakoen]

I'm doing well. The GoodDays app helps. It makes clear that I have many good days. It's the fear of the next bad day (in which all my memories of good days go up in smoke) that keeps me from enjoying them. And the conviction that I'm defective.. Recognizing this feels like a good step.

I'm having more vivid dreams (normal ones, no trauma). And I recognized dissociation as it was happening to me. And intercourse with my husband didn't trigger me.

GoodDays

[sanmagic7]

sounds like progress, sweetie.  yay, you.   love and hugs.

[annakoen]

Meeting with my brother today. Told him I have 1 hour. Let's try to protect my boundaries.

I've decided that if he makes so much as one derogatory remark (about me or my husband) he gets a formal warning that from now on, whenever he does that, our lunch/dinner/day is over and I will leave.

[annakoen]

Yuck, why do I make degrading remarks about myself!? Why do I do that? Am I inviting him to pounce? Why, why?!

He's quit his job and is moving in with our parents. I'm triggered big time.

Bah bah bah

[sanmagic7]

maybe you make those remarks in order to protect yourself.  if you say them first, the other person can't say them and hurt you with them.

i love those boundaries you put out for yourself.  it sounds like you weren't entirely pleased with meeting your bro, tho, due to other factors.  i wish it had gone better for you.  sorry to hear about the trigger, too.  ugh.

sending love and a warm, caring hug to you, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you  sounds great about telling him you'll immediately leave if he's insulting. Good boundaries! 

Sorry to hear he is moving in with your folks tho - 

[annakoen]

Thanks all. I'm not doing too well right now, but I'm recognizing it. That's some progress at least. I'm letting the tears flow. I often feel like I'm bleeding emotionally. And sometimes it feels like an artery. People have hurt me so much and so often as a child. It wounded me deeply.

I often wonder when the tears will end. I wonder when I'll stop bleeding. On moments like these I just feel so... So amputated. Part of me wishes I could hand my suffering to the ones who inflicted it.

I'm starting to come to grips with how much damage there is to address and unpack. I'm so angry. I'm so goddamned angry at people for * up my life 

I think the reason I make degrading remarks about myself, is because it makes other people laugh. It was a coping strategy from childhood: make mom and dad laugh, quick, before they start fighting. And it probably developed from there. I could evoke a response, any response, from people. It made the unpredictable, predictable. I'm not sure if it's to be ahead of them... Or, maybe, yes.. It hurts when I do it, but at least not as much as when another person does it. Which, rationally, doesn't make sense because my own opinion of myself should count as more... But there you have it. Putting others above myself.

My brother is a huge trigger. So is talking about my parents. I've known it for a while. Yesterday I was already anxious. Hubby gave a meaningful look when I told him I'd be meeting my brother: aha, that's why you're anxious.

I feel really bad about this, but on some level, I am angry at my brother for not being the brother I want to have. Every conversation is a minefield for me.

I'm not done processing today yet. I don't know how I feel yet.

I think him moving in with my parents is a grave, grave mistake. I mostly feel for my mother. It's going to be * there again with two narcissistic men.

But it not my fault, not my problem, I don't have to fix this. Why do I have this family? 

[annakoen]

Oh yeah San, I wanted to reply in your journal but I felt like an intruder, so I'll say it here: I too need a LOT of time to process things. And I'll drag it around with me for a long time. It won't be resolved until I feel heard and validated. Sometimes the person isn't there anymore because it's decades ago. And I am still mulling it over. Stuck in a loop. And others don't get that I'm back pedaling on something because I didn't agree in the first place, but went along because I didn't know it yet... I need wayyy more time to figure out what I feel.

[Three Roses]

Annakoen that's me too. 

[annakoen]