annakoen's journal

[sanmagic7]

anna, i would never feel like you're intruding.  what you wrote to me here just felt validating and supportive, and i thank you for that.

why, indeed, do any of us have our families, people who hurt us in childhood and beyond.  it's sad to me that you have these worries on top of you, but you're right - not your problem.  that was something i was taught by a sometimes very wise man - whose problem is it? if it's not your problem, you can let it go.  if it is your problem, you can do something about it.  the trick is in deciding what's my problem and what isn't, but it has gotten easier over time and with practice.

about your tears - i'm really glad for you that you're getting them out.  i used to cry at the drop of a hat, so very often, at tv, movies, commercials, good things, bad ones - especially anything that had to do with loving and caring about someone.  wow - it was so intense.  then i began digging for the root cause of those tears and figured out that i was grieving so much of what i hadn't gotten in my life.

when i was able to put a focus to my tears, the crying diminished.  sometimes i had to make myself out and out sob hysterically at certain things, but i noticed that the tears finally seemed to have a purpose.  that was the beginning of a major realization for me.  when there was a real, personal reason  behind my tears, they began to make sense.  and, when they made sense, they began to lessen.

i don't know if it's the same for you, but putting a focus to my tears helped a lot.  i hope you can find the way for you so that your tears will diminish sooner than later.  sending love and a hug filled with clarity and calm, sweetie.

[annakoen]

San, thanks for sharing that. Often, I have no real idea of why I am crying. I know there is a reason but I can't access it. I think a part of it is in anticipation of being hurt. I will say things, arguably emotionally loaded things, but the tears are not because of the emotional thing, but because as I am saying it, I am regretting saying it. And afterwards I will tell myself I shouldn't have. That I was too intense again. That I am too much.

I have a feeling that a lot of my tears are half sadness and half anxiety at the thought of being hit for crying.

My dad used to scream at me "I'll give you a reason to cry". For a sensitive girl like myself, that repeated statement that he was going to hurt me, was enough damage in itself. Part of me wishes he had hit me, so I could use that fact as proof to myself. But fact is, he broke me down just by screaming at me. Screaming is emotionally violent enough to damage a sensitive child.

I cry because I'm afraid I'll get hit for making any noise. Any noise would set him off. I cry because I'm afraid I'll get told I have no right to my actions. I cry because the anxiety at doing something wrong keeps building up when I'm with people and it finds its way out of my body somehow. I cry because I am utterly unable to soothe myself.

I'm afraid of people. I'm on my way home. Tomorrow I'm not doing anything, except drinking tea and sitting under a blanket. Maybe one of my cats will sit in my lap

[sanmagic7]

i heard that exact same sentence when i was young, and from my dad, too.  'stop your crying, or i'll give you something to cry about!'.  the other one was when i displeased him, i was so upset to have upset him that i'd begin crying almost immediately when he'd start telling me what i did wrong.  then his line was 'agh!  every time i try to talk to you, here come the waterworks!'.  since i knew my crying was upsetting him, i cried harder.

sweetie, all those reasons you have for crying speak to me as utter denigrations you experienced during your life, and the fact that you didn't get soothed, comforted, held, gathered in when you were in distress.  you were denied your right to cry for whatever reason.  i understand that one so well.  i was also mocked and humiliated for crying by my sister.  there's so much history of crying not being allowed, not being ok, and you're right - for sensitive people it can be not only traumatic, but devastating.

i hope you have a lovely tea day, blanket and cat warming you.  neither will put you down for crying.  love and hugs, anna.

[annakoen]

Denigrations.. Yes... I have been bullied, abused, neglected. I was pointed to as the weird kid in primary school. Kids are horrible to each other. I was hit, kicked, spit on and yelled at. There was nowhere where I was safe. Not at home, not in school, not in the street.

It's the reason I am still afraid of people. I'm afraid of everyone's response. Will they yell at me? Will they, too, think I'm weird?

I was indeed a weird kid. And I'm a weird adult.

I've never learned to 'own' my weirdness. To enjoy it. I've only learned how to be an outcast. And I'm afraid that this is the self fulfilling prophecy that I always seem to invoke over myself. I work from the assumption that I'll be an outcast and I'll be anxious, crippled in my social interactions. I'm frustrated, fearful and I beat myself up over being me.

Not having a great day today.

On the other hand, part of me wants to own who I am very badly.

So what if I don't have a big social life?
So what if I spend most of my days at home?
So what if I dislike humanity fiercely?
So what?

So sue me. I'll do with my life what I damn well please and if I want to spend my days behind my computer, drinking tea with a cat in my lap, or maybe running a tiny distance twice a week, I will damn well do just that.

I'd like to have friends, but maintaining friendships is exhausting. I'd like to meet people, but they scare me.

Most of all I'd like to be happier. And I'm working on it.

So much anger is coming to the fore. It's part of the healing process.

If I was almighty for a day, everyone who ever bullied me had better stay the * away from me

[annakoen]

I often don't have the words to describe what the first 20 years of my life were like.

What a mess. When I reach 80, that crap will still be a quarter of my life. *.

[annakoen]

I will assume people will be hurt or offended by my actions. That makes me tense and it makes me more socially awkward. People will pick up on the tension and will get tense in turn.

I am capable of 'fixing' that by making a joke, giving a compliment or saying something positive, but then I'm in my child modus again, where I was the clown and savior at home, always there to lighten the mood. And then I get tense again....




My mom used to dish out all sorts of well-intended positive messages. But she is incapable of making a connection. And her speeches always left me trampled. I hated them.

Having to be positive makes me tense.
Hearing myself dish out advice that makes me sound like my mother, makes me tense.

I am so * terrified of making a mistake. 'cause then I'll get yelled at. Or worse, people will SULK. Like my dad used to.

I am working through this now, finally, but it's really confronting to see how disabled I've become in something that should just be easy: Connecting with others.

[annakoen]

Breast cancer scare!! Yay, my anxiety found something to freak out over again.

I'm not having a great day, but I'm trying to practice self-soothing.
The past couple of months, my husband and I noticed that my right boob gets bigger than the left one during PMS. In general, my boobs have gotten bigger.

Now, outside of PMS, we don't notice the difference at all. It's not until PMS where the right one swells up more. I can't even remember if my right one was always bigger than the left one or not.

My anxiety latched on to that today: Of course I have inflammatory breast cancer now! 
Google helped me a little bit: IBS symptoms are swelling of a single boob (yes), hot to the touch (no), dimples/ripples like an orange (no) and red color/inflamed appearance (no). Also, Google helped me confirm that PMS is a *.

Of course, I had an agreement with my doctor that I would check in with her in October. So I called today to make an appointment. And at that moment I thought the following: This is an anxiety attack. It's okay, take it easy. So I didn't freak out or mention it. I just called for my "check-up". Appointment is in 6 days on Thursday, because her schedule is full and on Tuesday she's available but I'm not. And then I thought to myself: On Thursday your period is over and you'll feel better and you can have that normal check-up and a normal conversation about your breast without the anxiety attack to go with it.

In that moment, I acknowledged:

• This is anxiety. Breathe. I went for a 30 minute walk after making the appointment. I feel a teensy bit better. I also sat down on the couch with a blanket. Trying to comfort myself.
• It's normal to discuss this symptom (swelling boob) with your doctor, so that's adult behavior right there.

I'm trying to calm myself down by being aware of the feelings. Also, I took an antihistamine. I don't think it did a lot, I took it 1,5 hours ago. Thenagain, I feel better than I did two hours ago.

PMS is a * 

[annakoen]

I am calming down a bit for real. I can think again.

I've been diagnosed with mastopathy twice in my twenties after breast cancer scares. I never thought much of it and interpreted it as the literal word it is: breastpain. But now that I'm Googling that:

Mastopathy is a diseases caused by hormonal imbalance in the breasts. It is characterized by unequal proliferation of connective tissue within breasts, forming little cysts and widening ducts. Usually, it occurs in both breasts, but the process may be unequal in both sides.

So there you have it. It's probably that.
I'm feeling a little bit better, I'm hoping this anxiety attack will diminish further.

I'm kinda proud of myself: I realized I was having an anxiey attack and I scheduled my check-up (which I honestly had been procastinating on for two weeks) without freaking out over the phone.

[annakoen]

Usually antihistamine tablets start to work within 30 minutes after being taken, and tend to be most effective within 1-2 hours after being taken.

[annakoen]

It's morning. Anxiety again.
Same topic: right boob's bigger, I'm gonna die.

Or rather... I'm gonna suffer and not have any control over what happens to me..?

I feel helpless. Something about my body is weird and I'm bracing for impact.

PMS + CPTSD + physical symptom = 

I'm hanging in there. In three days at most, I'll feel better.

[annakoen]

Later in the day. I'm feeling a bit better. I went for a run and I watched my favorite movie.
I've found some benign reasons for one boob being bigger/swelling more during PMS and I'm telling myself that the odds are very low that I'll have something really bad. And I'm feeling reassured that I can discuss it with my doctor.

And whew my cat has bad breath... She is sitting in my lap and just started washing herself. Wow... yuck, what a fishy smell, LOL!

[annakoen]

I shouldn't Google.

I had a shingles outbreak on the 14th of September. Now I'm reading that if you have cancer, you can get shingles outbreaks. And that people can have shingles as symptom of undiagnosed cancer. I had the shingles on the right side of my back. And my right boob has grown. So my anxiety is now convinced I have breast cancer.

And my anxiety is shouting: And we lost weight!

But I changed my diet rigorously and I'm taking in wayy fewer calories. Of course I've lost weight! So shut up you stupid anxiety!

[annakoen]

Just got my period. In bed yesterday evening, I told my husband the anxiety will pass.

His response: "I know it'll pass, honey... It's harder on you."

It was so sympathetic, I cried. My husband's so sweet to me.

And he's right. In the middle of anxiety, I know nothing BUT that anxiety.

I did have a realization though: my anxiety is what Bessel van der Kolk calls "a firefighter". It's a state that is geared towards getting control of whatever situation can potentially become threatening. I can trace it back to the tension and hypervigilance when I was a kid. I'd be on the lookout to defuse the bomb.

As an adult, I've tried to appease my firefighter by 'solving' the threatening state. Every month I was convinced I was (unwanted) pregnant. I'd buy test after test and do many of them until I got my period. So I got my tubes tied.

And now every month my firefighter thinks up something worse. I'm thinking now: fearing a pregnancy wasn't that bad, should have stuck with that.

And now the fears have gotten bigger. I'm training my anxiety to come up with a new, plausible scenario.

And ultimately these fears are all about loss of control for me.

[Three Roses]

I did have a realization though: my anxiety is what Bessel van der Kolk calls "a firefighter". It's a state that is geared towards getting control of whatever situation can potentially become threatening. I can trace it back to the tension and hypervigilance when I was a kid. I'd be on the lookout to defuse the bomb.

I relate strongly to this. I hope you get some peace and quiet within soon, you deserve that.

[annakoen]

Thank you.

I'm not there yet.
No appetite yesterday, this morning nausea. Rationally, I know it's from the anxiety. But it also feeds more into my anxiety.

I have therapy today. I hope my therapist can help sort me out again so that the anxiety can subside.