annakoen's journal

[arpy1]

 

[annakoen]

Last Sunday, on father's day, and the day after that, I continuously suffered from flashbacks. All I kept thinking of was the day my dad told me my mom used to have epilepsy and that one night he woke up to her having spasms and nearly choking. He made the gurgling sound as he told me. He said he responded immediately and pushed her head to the side so she wouldn't choke. "I wish I hadn't done that",  he concluded the story. "She'd be dead now"

I had that flashback over and over.

Today, my T mentioned PTSD. I had brought it up during our previous session. She told me that she recognises the symptoms in her patients oftentimes and some will reach a point where they are in psychiatric trajectories. When PTSD was officially diagnosed, she said, she nearly always agreed. She didn't explicitly make any statements about myself. I haven't been in therapy with her for very long yet.

But I think I fit some symptoms. For example, my memory is horrible. Except for stressful events, they get burned into my brain. I cannot remember holidays, or what I did last week. Some research papers cite this as a common symptom in PTSD.

I'm not aiming for a diagnosis, but writing this down for future reference. I hope I'll never need it, but should I ever want evaluation for PTSD, I'll bring it up.

[Three Roses]

Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

[annakoen]

Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

Yes, that is exactly what happened. He would put his worries and anguish on my shoulders, from a very young age, 6 or so.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure who did the most damage here, my autistic mother who couldn't be there for me when I was a baby and thereby starved me from satisfying interactions (Google "still face experiment"), or my emotionally abusive father who exploited my attempts at having a meaningful connection with someone by making me his surrogate mother and wife... Dare I say it? I hate them. For not having been there for me, for damaging me so deeply that on stressful days I cannot even manage to connect with people for 10 minutes. They robbed me of my confidence, my faith in myself and others. I am fearful, anxious and on some days the idea flashes through my head that if I killed myself this pain would stop.

I did not visit them, for neither father's day nor mother's day. I sent them flowers. The flashbacks I had on Sunday and Monday was, I think, the old "I have to save daddy"-mechanism that he caused in me, revolting against the idea of not visiting. But I'm done. I'm so done. My life is mine, that much I have at least and I will put my needs first.

[annakoen]

Your father should have never told you that. It is inappropriate at best and abusive at worst to involve children in the problems & feelings of adults - it taxes the child's resources and capabilities beyond what they can manage.

I can relate; my father used me as his confidante and confessor. Too much for a child to bear!

Oh, I'm ruminating. Thanks for confirming that this is inappropriate of my father. And a big hug to you Sorry you have gone through the same

[annakoen]

Hating my parents... Is that the Inner Critic too?

[annakoen]

Constant stress levels since Thursday. Received a laptop at work that was damaged. Triggered me. Friday was OK, but Friday evening I triggered myself by responding to an email too quickly. Berated myself all evening for being so impulsive. Read today that's a common theme in adult children of alcoholics (impulsivity).

I can feel cortisol is still high. Feel like there's an electrical wire running from my head down my spine. Moderate anxiety

[Three Roses]

 

This too shall pass.

"Hating my parents...."  That sounds more like the outer critic.

"The outer critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self." (From pete-walker.com, SHRINKING THE OUTER CRITIC IN COMPLEX PTSD)

Hang in there, we care about you.  I'm so sorry you're having a rough time, it really is difficult. We are wounded people whose wounds are invisible to others but are nonetheless real, physical, and measurable. Our brains have been changed by the trauma we endured! It does not matter that we do not receive the recognition from others as we coast thru life in our emotional wheelchairs; we are still wounded.

You were right to not contact your parents on mother's and father's days, you were being true to yourself. Tell your inner critic to stfu. Your anger is justifiable.

[arpy1]

sending you support, annakoen, and just to say it's ok to feel bad and hateful to your parents. it took me decades to truly see that feeling something is not the same as acting out on it.  that the hatred, fury, whatever is just a feeling.
and from the sounds of it, a healthy one, becos what happened to you was wrong.  i have such a hard time believing this in my deepest insides, but i am still convinced it's true.  just takes a bit of time i guess, to filter past the inner critic's defences.

i like reading your journal for the honesty and the courage i find here.

[annakoen]

Thanks for your kind words three roses and arpy

[annakoen]

I'm on my way to work but have to stop over to write this down. I hope it helps.

My mind and body are screaming at me that I'm in deadly peril, that, at work, things will happen that I can't control. True, of course, that's life, but I'm screaming inside. I don't want to be at the mercy of other human beings. I need to be in control!!!

[annakoen]

Ok, that helped. It was a good day, actually.

My Inner Critic keeps whining that I'm not actually doing anything at work or producing anything. I spend so much time looking for people and talking, transferring information from one head to the other. It doesn't feel right, I'm being useless.. It's weird, because on one hand it is the Inner Critic, but he's getting support from my creative side, that's not very happy with a job that doesn't involve creating something...

[annakoen]

Called my dad to congratulate him on his birthday. He was at work (he's retired....) and we talked a bit about that. He hesitated and said "I don't want to bother you with this but I just wanted to let you know I have minor surgery soon". I responded "ok"  and he told me why. Then the conversation smoothly went on to the dinner he and my mom are buying me and my husband soon, to celebrate both their birthdays.

At the end of the conversation my dad thanked me for calling and wished me a nice day. I did the same. Before he hung up he said "Bye sweetie"

I'm hiding in the bathroom at work bawling my eyes out

[arpy1]

aw hun  sending you a 

[Three Roses]