annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

Not sure what to make of this evening. We went on an activity with colleagues and out to dinner. At some point, I switched into an uncomfortable mode, feels like I am trying to hard to.. Compensate? Hide?

I am talking loudly, laughing hard and joining in, but not feeling comfortable doing so. I organised the event, but would much rather be at home with a good book. I feel like I am.. Standing out like a sore thumb. Some form of social anxiety seems to take over, yes, feels like anxiety. Fear even.

Also, I know nothing about the world. I have nothing to contribute when people are talking about countries, travel, cultures. And when I do pitch in, I talk about an accident I read about last week. Nobody responded, awkward silence and they started talking about something else.

Exhausted.

[annakoen]

Ah, I know what it is.

Social hangover

[annakoen]

Anxiety anxiety anxiety

Unclear agreements with customer about a deadline sends me into an anxiety attack. Even though one person did tell me next Wednesday would be fine, a manager said "this weekend". This stays in my head, he never retracted his statement and he is higher in rank. But the lower ranked person said the customer had agreed to Wednesday. It makes me upright and panicky.

[annakoen]

[remove duplicate]

[annakoen]

Even more anxiety.

At work, I was irritable. I tried to explain a concept to a more senior person, but he refused to accept anything I had to say. I got more irritable as the conversation proceeded. Luckily, a (calm) colleague supported me.

I'm pretty irritable still. And anxious. I am afraid being irritable is something that will get me punished. Old programming: My emotions are a burden to other people.

New programming: I am allowed to be irritable once in a while, like everybody else. I didn't lash our, I wasn't mean, I just disagreed with someone. Vehemently 

[annakoen]

I have so much anger and anxiety right now.
Why do people not understand what I am saying? Why can I not convey my message? Why are people so goddamn stupid?
Are they misunderstanding me on purpose? Why do so many people have no idea on how to do a job properly?
They will argue, * and moan about things, instead of just buckling down and getting the job done that was asked of you?
Why do people make things complicated that don't need to be complicated?
Most of what is confusing is made confusing.
Why do people do this?

Ugh. Hate humanity today.

[annakoen]

Good day yesterday and today.

Turns out, under breathing is a form of chronic hyperventilation. And I definitely have that. I tend not to breathe a lot, or at all. Tend to finish a sentence even though my lungs are empty.

Goal: breathe deeper and more calmly

Had an anxiety attack before a presentation today and managed to shake it off by taking deliberate breaths

[Three Roses]

 
Excellent! I bet that was a great feeling. Good job, you!

[annakoen]

Thanks! yes, i felt great

[annakoen]

More good things:
Positive feedback from a team member. Good cooperation with a senior colleague I had some trouble making a connection with. Was asked to fill in for my manager during the holidays.

Apologised for something I shouldn't have apologised for. Trying not to allow myself to feel that ruined the day. A lot of good stuff happened.

[annakoen]

I can't breathe. Anxiety is crippling me.

I don't understand exactly why. It's a combination of things: I only slept 6,5 hours of the 9,5 I normally need. A colleague said that by moving the task note to 'done' for a difficult task he had been working on for weeks,  I "took the joy of moving that note from me". It's been haunting me since. During a meeting I spoke up on a topic where people were afraid to put data in a shared system because another department wants to access that data and they feel it needs to be suitable for them, i.e. We cannot put data in there that is useful for us, while the system is exactly meant for that.

My manager intervened and talked about how we shouldn't do "we vs. them thinking". And I'm thinking: you need we-them thinking for social cohesion! By removing boundaries, people become uncertain...

Ruminating, panicking, breathing is difficult now.

I'm being considered for promotion but I can't handle this.
I'm seriously considering asking my T for a referral for a PTSD diagnosis. Should I?

[annakoen]

Tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing.  I want to escape but there is no escaping TO because it's all in my mind. I need to relax but don't know how, right now

[Three Roses]

Breathe, annakoen. You're alright, you're safe. Can you do some validations, or some breathing exercises? I like rhythmic breathing when I'm hit with anxiety because it's something I can do anywhere.

You're going to be okay! Find a truth that seems relevant to you right now and stand on it ("I am capable, I am good enough"). Keep posting here, we know how it feels and you're not alone!  <3

[annakoen]

Thank you,  Three Roses.
I kind of resurfaced yesterday and today.

My husband was reading a book on how people experience pain and told me some anecdotes. People will prefer longer but lower pain over shorter but higher pain. I said "Not me. Better quick, to get it over with." He looked thoughtful for a while and then said "Yes, medicine needs to acknowledge that it's different for people with PTSD." Felt immensely validated then and there.

I do have PTSD, and I am going to discuss with my T, if I dare bring it up, the question of how to get a formal diagnosis.

My perception of the world is as if I see it through a stained, black window pane. Objectively my life is fine, subjectively I feel constantly in danger. The stress regulation system in my brain is definitely broken...

I'm feeling better now, on Sunday. It always takes a few days for me to settle down after working a whole week. A whole week is just too much for me.

Going to the sauna today, to relax some more

[annakoen]

This week, I managed to get closure on something.... Very much so, that I don't remember what it was. It was a flashback that has been haunting me for a long time, I know that much.

Somehow, it has been erased from my trauma mixed tape of flashbacks