annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

I think I mainly cried because this acknowledgement by my dad, that I'm a sweetie, that I'm a kind person, makes me realize that I've never felt loved as a child. It's like shining a flashlight at a black canvas; it makes it painfully clear what I've missed. As a result, I'm overwhelmed, it's too much, so much that I am barely capable of truly receiving it.

I think I'm having an Emotional Flashback right now. My dad's surgery is next Tuesday and I'm feeling the parentified part of myself, the child that was always used as comfort and consolation to my father, flaring up. I'm being ripped apart on the inside, because my sad, lonely, distraught daddy is having surgery and WHY AM I NOT TAKING A DAY OFF TO SUPPORT HIM!!?

How do 'normal' people do this? When their parent has minor surgery (local anaesthetic), what do they do? What is normal?

[annakoen]

An added complication is that my mother is of no use. She cannot really support anyone emotionally and she's a huge danger in traffic. I can just see my dad driving himself to surgery and driving himself home....

URGH, EF EF EF EF
pain pain pain pain

[arpy1]

i really understand the guilt! i felt that way about my disabled ex when i left the marriage.  and he was a one for playing on my guilt and went to town on it when i left him.

i had (still have) to remind myself he's actually a grown up and quite capable of looking after himself. he recently had a couple of operations, one quite major. and i was only slightly tempted to offer to visit, help, make everything alright for him the way i always used to. and i resisted. three or four years back i would have been in a state about it. so i guess i have gotten better at it.

if your dad, sorry to sound harsh here, needs to have help to get to the hospital, or home, he might be able to call a taxi or arrange hospital transport if such a thing is available where he is.  like my ex, he is a grown up too. and imo, you are not responsible for him in any way no matter how much you might think you should be.

i wonder personally whether his sweetie remark was a manipulation. again, sorry to sound harsh, but i know that kind of manipulation too, where my ex would say nice things to me if he wanted something out of me.  when i had complied he ceased to see me really. until the next time he felt needy.  your dad's 'kindness' certainly seems to have triggered you into a great big EF. maybe that's what's going on, i don't know. all our situations are different.

anyway, annakoen, much support to you. may you regain your  balance soon 

[annakoen]

i really understand the guilt! i felt that way about my disabled ex when i left the marriage.  and he was a one for playing on my guilt and went to town on it when i left him.

i had (still have) to remind myself he's actually a grown up and quite capable of looking after himself. he recently had a couple of operations, one quite major. and i was only slightly tempted to offer to visit, help, make everything alright for him the way i always used to. and i resisted. three or four years back i would have been in a state about it. so i guess i have gotten better at it.

Thanks for your understanding, arpy. Sorry to hear you have been mentally trapped in a similar way.

if your dad, sorry to sound harsh here, needs to have help to get to the hospital, or home, he might be able to call a taxi or arrange hospital transport if such a thing is available where he is.  like my ex, he is a grown up too. and imo, you are not responsible for him in any way no matter how much you might think you should be.

I know this. He is an adult, a grown-up himself and should be able to take care of himself.

i wonder personally whether his sweetie remark was a manipulation. again, sorry to sound harsh, but i know that kind of manipulation too, where my ex would say nice things to me if he wanted something out of me.  when i had complied he ceased to see me really. until the next time he felt needy.  your dad's 'kindness' certainly seems to have triggered you into a great big EF. maybe that's what's going on, i don't know. all our situations are different.

anyway, annakoen, much support to you. may you regain your  balance soon 

Thanks. No need to apologize for your musings. I'm actually glad you wrote it down, now I can spend some time and thoughts on this.
I do not believe he called me sweety to manipulate me into taking care of him. (At least not consciously... ) He is very sorry about having leaned on me so much in my childhood. Once, he waved me out when I walked to the car after visiting them and he said "This was never our intention. We [he and my mother] didn't know, we didn't realize that this was happening in our family. And now it's a generational problem". He teared up when he said it.

The tough part is that he doesn't really 'own' this: The fact that he feels bad about it, makes him the sad, kicked puppy again. The dynamic in our family will never be such that they are the more experienced adults and I can go to them for support. Again, this unconsciously happens; they are not strong, stable adult figures. My dad has C-PTSD himself and is badly traumatized from his own childhood and marriage.

My dad has a huge hole in his soul as well from emotional neglect. When I was young, he unconsciously turned to me for solace and comfort. As a result, I'm also running on empty as an adult now. In turn, my dad feels immensely guilty about this and is, basically, afraid to do anything wrong in our relationship again. Therefore, he will not ask for help, even though I can feel his subconscious scream for help...

This does not mean that it has ever been okay that he leaned on me when I was a child and it does not mean that this is a reason to fall into the 'please take care of me' again. I am well aware of this trap and steer well clear of it. But the flipside is that I am, nowadays, forced to take the cold-hearted approach and keep a calculated distance to them.

I cannot refill his emotional tank, it would deplete mine.. This stalemate might never end and that's tough..

[arpy1]

it really is tough. and i understand what you say about it being unconscious. and about the end result being you with an empty tank.  am thinking of you so much.  be nice to yourself today. you deserve it. 

[annakoen]

Thanks arpy

I'm starting to recognise that I have EFs on a daily basis.. It's shocking to realise that this is not an exaggeration, daily is probably an understatement because that suggests short EFs every day. Rather, I have EFs that last for days...

Let's see if this realisation helps me.
Right now, I'm in an EF triggered by a snarky email that someone sent to someone else and then forwarded to me. Second person got quite a verbal beating by the first person and I'm feeling that anxious childhood feeling I always had when my dad got verbally abused by my mother. I feel anxious, powerless yet somehow responsible, disgusted and afraid.

This journal is really useful...

[annakoen]

What is normal? Do kids from normal families show up when their dad has minor surgery?

Hubby: "I think they do, but they don't crash from exhaustion after a day with their parents"

[annakoen]

Pain pain pain

My mom texted me she'd call the hospital to ask about my dad. I couldn't wait for that and called them myself. The lady on the phone was very.. What do you call it? Curt? Brief? Unfriendly. She didn't let me finish my question and interrupted me: your mother just called and she is first contact person and we cannot just have everyone calling here! My dad had gone to surgery later, he's still in surgery

I interrupted her and said this hurt me. I told her my mother has autism and doesn't communicate well and I do not know what is going on. I cried, I just want to know what is going on. She offered to put me in as second contact person.

Within five minutes my mom texts me an update that my dad is still in surgery.

So, now not only have I accused my mother of having autism in front of a nurse that will be seeing her, I also lied because my mother does communicate.

I called back, apologised for my emotions, said my mother had updated me after all and I don't have to be second contact person after all.

Realisation: my dad programmed me so view my mother as a bad wife for him. I fell for the trap of having to compensate for her, even though she does do the things she says she'll do

Now, I am afraid the nurse will bring up autism and that this will anger my parents and turn them against me...

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you! You're navigating some unfamiliar, treacherous waters here. Give yourself grace, and permission to do what your heart tells you to do.

Remember, it doesn't have to look like what your parents want, or anyone except you. You're in charge, what is it that you need in the midst of this?

[arpy1]

 sending you a hug  and to what Three Roses said, annakoen. this is treacherous waters indeed and you are doing your best with a difficult situation, and that is good enough.  times like this, it's like you're having to navigate the past along with the present in these relationships which makes feel impossible to cope with. but... you are coping. you are doing good. so take heart and follow your heart. lots of support to you. 

[annakoen]

Big hugs to you! You're navigating some unfamiliar, treacherous waters here. Give yourself grace, and permission to do what your heart tells you to do.

Remember, it doesn't have to look like what your parents want, or anyone except you. You're in charge, what is it that you need in the midst of this?

Thanks. I hadn't seen your replies yet, but I took good care of myself and went home. I got into bed and slept for three hours... Exactly the three hours of sleep I had missed last night because I was home way way too late, it was half past twelve.... I know I shouldn't plan any late things, but did so anyway and paid the price.



Anyway, went home early from work and slept. Cried a lot. Slept some more. Hubby came home and caught me.

sending you a hug  and to what Three Roses said, annakoen. this is treacherous waters indeed and you are doing your best with a difficult situation, and that is good enough.  times like this, it's like you're having to navigate the past along with the present in these relationships which makes feel impossible to cope with. but... you are coping. you are doing good. so take heart and follow your heart. lots of support to you. 

This really resonated with me: it's like navigating past and present at the same time, yes... I calmed down somewhat when I managed to tell myself "This is trauma."

Spoke to my dad. He's fine, surgery wasn't so bad, he's feeling well. And then he asked about work and my career opportunities. He was really supportive. "Your talents are being seen. Now you can test out what it's like to lead people and see if that suits you or not. I know you have these qualities to be a good leader."

It's so hard to have to navigate past and present because yeah trauma.

I'm hoping some day I can reconcile these two worlds, the one I grew up in and the present one. My brain is still in 'storm' operating mode and I will fall back when triggered. It hurts.

I had some successes today as well: protected my boundaries at work (someone was pressuring me and I defused that with a lot of great humor) and went home when I felt I was breaking down.

Note to self: try to signal this sooner. Be home in time for sleep.

Thank you for your supportive replies and not judging

[annakoen]

A week has passed without journalling. Quick recap:
Had an intense therapy session a week ago, after the huge trigger with my dad's surgery. Therapist confirmed that I am "processing trauma".  She mentioned PTSD again. Although she didn't say it out loud, I think she realizes now how deep my anxiety goes.  T said she's worried how long I can keep up with combining work and therapy. I said I didn't know. Besides this trigger, at work I'm fairly stable. I'm even being considered for promotion (in the long run) by my manager. But, I told her, please write along, because someday I might go for a PTSD diagnosis. I hope I don't need it.

She urged me to do two things: Firstly, focus on breathing. Gave me a book about hyperventilation. However, I do not recognize this: I discovered that I under breathe. It's like holding your breath before something bad happens, or when you see someone nearly falling, or whatever. I do that on a daily basis. When people pass me by bike, I hold my breath. (Also, my dad has asthma and sleep apnea, so maybe some hereditary thing in there as well. When I get drunk, I sometimes stop breathing intermittently. I will catch myself and take some deliberate breaths.) In general, I do not breathe very well I think. So, exercise: A few times a day, stop and focus on breathing. I need to breathe in deeply to get my breathing to be less shallow, so that's what I do now. Seems to help.

Secondly, my T let me choose two images from a stack that represented anxiety/trauma and relaxation/happiness for me. We talked about whether I could conjure up both feelings. Anxiety, easily of course, that felt very... bleh. Relaxation: Also managed to do that. She urged me to make a clear distinction between the two and mentally place the first one as far away from myself as possible. At first I thought in terms of "down the street" and then she asked me which country I placed it in..  Oh, yeah, right, really far away! Ok.

So, basically, the message she gave me and that I'm trying to give myself: Don't set up camp in trauma. I've been working on that this week and it's going rather well.

This morning, hubby saw a wasp in the house. My youngest cat will attack anything that buzzes without hesitation. So I yelled "NOOO!" (she knows something is forbidden when I say 'no' in a really low voice). Hubby grunted "You don't have to shout in my ear".

I froze. My breath caught. I walked to the bathroom as a flashback came to me.
Once, on vacation, my parents saw one of those signs with a name and character description. For me, it said "annakoen, lightning fast, leaves nothing to coincidence" and then some other things. My parents laughed and said "yeah, that's you". Mind you, I couldn't have been older than 6 at the time. I was very happy to get this affirmation. It was really rare to get any kind of compliment in our house. So they gave that to me as a present. Response of a typical child? Of course, I started talking faster, walking faster, talking louder. I'm lightning fast! I leave nothing to coincidence!

Within minutes, my dad had an anger outburst. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO START ACTING LIKE THAT JUST BECAUSE WE SAY YOU'RE LIKE THAT!".
I felt so betrayed. And put down. Basically, you affirmed me, only to take that away from me straight away and telling me that those traits are, to you, now, a bad thing. I feel so much sadness and anger.

My dad really has brain damage. I am sure of it. My aunt told us that my dad's personality changed after his accident and coma he was in. Nobody ever realized what that meant, for us children. He was so unstable, he would get so very angry. We were afraid of his anger outbursts. He would not care about you in those outbursts, at all. It was only about him.

I am, right now, still triggered somewhat. Just showed my hubby out to work. Good thing I only have half a day of work today.
Going to shut down my laptop now and try to breathe.

Breathe, annakoen. There's a reason you always say that to yourself, subconsciously you knew you're under breathing.
Breathe.

[arpy1]

just want to say i think you're doing amazingly well atm. reading that last post, in spite of the triggers you are coping. take heart! 

[annakoen]

Thanks 

Journalling really seems to help to get my thoughts/feelings clear.

We had some trouble at work today and I felt overly responsible. I want to fix things. But people need to cooperate and I need to have a clear overview of the playing field, otherwise bleeeaaaugrhgh. I stayed at work an hour longer than I should have, I should have gone home at 1PM. My manager even told me to go home and I ignored that  I stayed until 2PM because I really wanted to get a plan of attack clear before I left, but regardless the reason that was really dumb stupid inconsiderate towards myself. I need this afternoon off. To relax, to get tension off, to.. whatever.

Now, because I also promised hubby I would do some shopping, which I haven't done yet because I was just too damn tired and went home straight away, I feel rushed. I still have to cook, do some laundry, do shopping, feed the cats and meet hubby at the sports centre, all in a timespan of one and a half hours... 

[annakoen]

Did a good thing yesterday. Hubby told me many times "Just ask me for help. A lot of things you struggle with, I know an answer to."

Asked him if he could pick me up at home instead of me having to bike to the sports centre. He did, which gave me 45 minutes extra to do shopping. I was still a little rushed when I finally got into the car but on hindsight I think I may have prevented a meltdown