Alcohol keeps me sane

[cyndiloowho]

As a child, my escape from my tormentors, at school & at home, was isolation... hide, try to be invisible, keep a low profile, etc, etc...

At the age of 14, I discovered alcohol (that was over 40 years ago). I've been through the depths of completely out of control, to total sobriety ranging from months to years, and everything in between.

I've generally managed to remain highly functional, and most people who know me "in public" would never guess me to be an addict.

I've done 30 day inpatient treatment, AA, and therapy sessions, all of which touched the nerve of my addiction, but only served to open Pandora's box, then send me along with well wishes.

After my son died on 2004, I learned meditation & the blessing of "inner child" work. I have grown immensely from doing this. I have a sense of self I never knew through my childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood.

Still, my brain keeps me fearful, hypervigilant, and still wanting to hide from the scary world. And so, my old friend ( beer) always calms my fears... and also numbs.

At my age, the battles have taken their toll... I'm tired! My grown children want me to stop drinking. They're concerned about my future health, esp since their dad has terminal cancer.

They want me to "care enough" about their concerns to stop. I know what that effort entails!!

I had been working with a psychologist, doing EMDR therapy, for almost a year in 2011. That seemed more effective than anything else (except for my inner child work). But the treatments seemed to shut down my cognitive function for a day or two, which became a problem with trying to do my job. We tried amending the treatments, to be less intense, but after awhile it became clear that I couldn't function in my job and continue the treatments. I had to choose my job. I have to survive.

Now my relationship with my kids is strained. They just want me to stop. I feel torn in so many directions! I'm the financial provider for myself & my ill husband. My job is very demanding but it pays the bills. I am there for my kids as much as possible, but I don't feel they see the whole picture. I've tried to talk to them about cptsd  but I dunno, it's never something we can talk about. To them, the drinking is tangible. It's what they 'see' the problem to be.

Sooo frustrating!!!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi cyndiloowho, I can relate.

Despite having had some treatment for my alcoholism, I still struggle and have many setbacks. The treatment was very ineffective, up to the point that at the final meeting I was told by my clinician she thought upfront I was not getting a fitting program. 

Since, I have learned a thing or two about addictions (in general) online. And there also here some threats on using alcohol to cope.

One thing that has struck me, as I experience this as true for my personally, is that 'connection' with other people considerably lowers my need to numb myself down with alcohol. When in company, I can drink moderately or even not drink at all. When alone, I can drink out of control. The only control I can exert is sticking to beer, and not the stronger stuff.

I'm also of the firm conviction that addictions are always a symptom, not a cause. And in much literature this is validated by the phrase 'self-medication'. Unfortunately, a negative feedback-loop can emerge. And as such it's my personal opinion that only the negative feedback-loop needs to be addressed as far as the addiction is concerned.
Easier said than done.

In another thread you already mentioned your kids worrying. If you meet your kids, do you feel a great need to drink, or like me have considerably less need? If the latter, perhaps you can give your kids confidence by drinking little or not when meeting them.
I understand that for your kids the drinking is tangible, and I also understand they 'don't get' cPTSD and the trauma behind it. In much the same way many of my friends see my drinking, but cannot grasp 'why'. So while I work on the why, as I'm convinced that will aid in reigning in my addictions, they strife for the opposite.
I guess in the end it's a dance between the two.

As you've written, using alcohol to cope has been a 40-year habit, and it's not going to die out that quickly. I did much the same, though I started out with cannabis from the age of 15. That I ditched 15 years ago, but it has largely been replaced by alcohol and tobacco.

I hope and wish your relationships with your children will become less strained. It's a difficult process you are all in with your sick husband. I hope that somehow you all can reach a point where you all realize that as far as your husband's and their father's terminal illness you share common ground. With him included.
Sharing that 'communal' experience, that connected process for each of you in their own personal experience, may 'fraternize' and lessen the need to numb out.

I wish you all strength, but also weakness and vulnerability in this difficult process of parting, in time, with the man who co-raised the children and helped create the family as it is. I wish this for each and everyone of you.